Huge Row

[hurting101]

Hi everyone

 

Well im so angry and hurt right now I really need to write this down and get it off my chest.

I just had a huge row with my boyfriend and resulted with him texting me alot of hurtful messages.

He works in a nightclub and decided to tell me 'he is going to sure have fun tonight lol' and how he will wear a condom.

It really hurt when I read that, and I guess its my main reason for typing on here as I have no one to talk to right now and I could do with an ear!

 

He said it was over in text (we were fighting and i thought he was just venting) but now I don't know what to do. Tomorrow he is likely to come crawling back with some apology of how he didnt mean it. But right now I don't think its good enough. I will spend the night feeling sick as I do right now.

 

He does this frequently, when we argue he says hurtful adn spiteful things and I ignore it. But its getting hard, and I really dont know how much more I can take. We have broke up many times now (only been togther 6 months) and each time its always with me reading nasty messages.

 

Any advice. I guess Im just upset and needed to talk this out.

Thanks for reading.

[BetterKarma]

Sounds like your boyfriend is extremely immature and knows just what to say to push your buttons.

 

How long have you two been dating? Has he always been this way? What caused the fight?

[hurting101]

Hi Betterkarma

[hurting101]

Hi Betterkarma

 

We have been together about 6 months. Yes he has pretty much been this way all the time. The last argument and break up was NYE when I was left with no plans at the last min and we ended.

Its always the same, we fight, we break up, I get lots of nasty messages, he apologizes adn for some reason i think we can work it out.

 

He says he has anger issues and really wants to work on it and have me in his life. So i gave us another go. Now its happening again. Its like a vicious circle.

 

And now he is texting me apologizing...

[BetterKarma]

hurting101, you're probably not going to like what I have to say and I believe deep down inside you already know what I am about to say.

 

You need to let go of this relationship. It's toxic for both of you. He needs to get his act together and resolve his anger issues without dragging you into a mental downward spiral all the time.

 

It's only been 6 months and you're fighting like cats and dogs already. Think about it, this is the beginning of a relationship, the "supposed" honeymoon period and you're this unhappy. Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

[hurting101]

Yes I thought you might say that! I know its what I need to do.

He has big money problems and i have leant him quite a large amount. I really tried to make it work, I knew it would be hard trying to work at it but I really cant take it anymore.

 

Its so hard because I feel bad for him as I know he has had a tough life.

When he apologizes I find it hard to say no and he always says the right thing. one week later its back to square one though...

 

arggghhhh

[Lboogie23]

i totally agree with her! I couldn't believe it when you mentioned that you had only been together for six months and are fighting so badly that you have already broken up a number of times.

 

I think deep down you know the answer to your problems. this is not the one for you. If he is emotionally abusing you now, what will it come to later??`You should take care of yourself here, don't allow yourself to be stepped on like this. Good luck to you.

[BetterKarma]

I know exactly how you feel. I have been in those relationships too but you have to think about yourself.

 

YOU can not SAVE him. Repeat with me now. "I am NOT his savior."

 

I understand you will feel guilty about leaving him because of his past and how he's a mess (financially, emotionally, etc.) But if you don't leave now, you will find it even harder later on.

 

You gave him money to help him with his debts and I'm guessing you're his emotional crutch as well. Ask yourself these questions:

 

1) Is this the guy you want for the father of your children? (pregnancy is always a risk when you're sexually active)

 

2) Is this how you want to live your life? And for how long?

[hurting101]

Thanks Lboogie.

 

Yes we have probably broken up at least 3 times. And argue all the time. He gets very defensive. Im no angel but i find it hard to communicate with him. I sometimes don't say if something is bothering me because i know it will result in a big row.

 

Im just worried in a few days he will start texting, emailing, turning up saying all these nice things and i will give in because its the easiest thing.

 

I want to be strong and move on. Guess I need to kick myself up the backside and do it, as hard as it..

[BetterKarma]

And if you really think about it, your subconscious is telling you something already.

 

Let's see....you're name is "hurting", you're on a relationship help forum asking for help on a Saturday night, and most importantly, you're on the "break up" forum.

 

See? You're telling yourself something.

[hurting101]

I am not his savior!

 

I do feel guilty, I really feel for him he has had a lot of bad stuff happen to him and i really felt that i could bring him into my world of happiness and love. But I just dont think i can take the hurtfulness anymore. It happens too often.

Its not what I want for my life. Can i see myself with him in 10 years? No. Or if i am, i can only imagine that the nastiness has increased and i just take it.

[BetterKarma]

If that is your answer then I would leave as soon as possible.

 

His past problems is not something you should burden yourself with. You can help him overcome them only if he is willing to recognize them and get help. Otherwise, you're looking as a rough and rocky road for a loooooong time. Trust me. I speak from experience.

 

If you know that you can not see yourself with him, then why prolong your torture and abuse?

[hurting101]

I never even see him at the weekend he works in a nightclub for extra money.

When he wants to be nice, he is so sweet and caring. Its just times like this when we fight he takes it too far. I have never experienced this. SOmetimes his nasty words dont even shock me. ANd that scares me!

 

Im just worried I wont find anyone, Ill be alone... I guess everyone has that feeling though when they are breaking up

[Lboogie23]

In cases like this, if you are serious about getting away from this unhealthy situation, cold turkey is the best policy. don't even give him the opportunity to sweet talk you, he obviously knows how to play on your emotions to make you take him back.

I had a guy like this once and he always got me to take him back. even after i was soooo mad at him, somehow i always gave in. Finally i ended up moving out of where i lived and moved in with a friend that he didn't know without tellilng him, and i finally got rid of him. this was an extreme case, but you get the idea. These kind of guys are so sneaky and so shady, your better off without them. Just be strong, your not going through this alone.

[Lboogie23]

Believe me, you will definatley find someone.

[hurting101]

Llboogie I think youre right. COld turkey it is.

Its going to be so tough. I know i can do it (i did it after nye but foolishly took him back 1 week later)

 

Its just hard, I really did think we could work and have a life together. Now i know its impossible he will never change. Or he certainly needs to deal with his issues. i know he went through the same thing with his ex, she left after 1 year because of his nastiness.

[ashley001]

hurting101,

 

i feel as if i'm in the same boat as you...i have a boyfriend who does these kinds of things and comes crawling back to me by sweet talking me, etc.

 

i feel as if though at this point, i've had it. and like you, i'm afriad if i break up with him, i will never find anyone...

[Lboogie23]

If anything, tell him you want to separate for six full months. Meaning no contact, broken up. tell him to get his issues worked out by then and maybe you can try again if he has totally changed,but he would need professional help bc he has a real problem.(thats totally up to you though) Otherwise just end it for good. But there needs to be some kind of a break here. Enough is enough.

[BetterKarma]

Im just worried I wont find anyone, Ill be alone... I guess everyone has that feeling though when they are breaking up

 

This is a common fear everyone has that prevents them from breaking up with a toxic partner.

 

Please TRUST ME, you WILL find someone. There are tons of single people about there. Join a sports club, book club, rock climbing club, take classes and even do reputable on-line dating (eharmony) to meet new people and possibly a soul mate. It's not as hard as you think. You just forgot how to be single and but the best part is that its like riding a bike, you never forget!

[hurting101]

Ashley

 

Reading what you put made me immediately say 'no you will find someone' so i guess im answering my own fear.! WE WILL FIND SOMEONE ELSE!!

 

He is the master of sweet talking, wrote me a 'promise poem' about how he promises to do all this stuff, came with flowers it really was incredibly sweet.

 

But then this other side appears when he is mad due to a argument. And its not a nice side at all.

 

Like lboogie says enough is enough. Im getting stronger and stronger as the night is getting on (been about an hour but i have stopped crying and actually feel postitive!)

 

Thank you so much for your advice it has made me feel so much better.

[hurting101]

This is a common fear everyone has that prevents them from breaking up with a toxic partner.

 

Please TRUST ME, you WILL find someone. There are tons of single people about there. Join a sports club, book club, rock climbing club, take classes and even do reputable on-line dating (eharmony) to meet new people and possibly a soul mate. It's not as hard as you think. You just forgot how to be single and but the best part is that its like riding a bike, you never forget!

 

I guess I have to just keep reminding myself I will find someone. I just needed to hear it off someone else! (sad but hey, its saturday night and im in my pjamas after being dumped! and need some reassurance!)

 

I really appreciate you talking to me. Dont know what I would have done without you

[BetterKarma]

You are not dumped! You are choosing not to be abused anymore.

 

You're a strong girl. You knew exactly what you wanted to do but you just needed to talk it through first.

 

Whenever you feel weak or down or just want to chat, just keep posting or you can PM me as well.

 

We will be your online support!

[hurting101]

Thanks Betterkarma.

I had a good nights sleep and have a busy day today so will keep busy!

 

Im sure i will hear off him at some point. Im going to have to be strong!

 

Thanks though for your advice! Ill let you know how things are going!

[karvala]

Ashley

 

Reading what you put made me immediately say 'no you will find someone' so i guess im answering my own fear.! WE WILL FIND SOMEONE ELSE!!

 

He is the master of sweet talking, wrote me a 'promise poem' about how he promises to do all this stuff, came with flowers it really was incredibly sweet.

 

But then this other side appears when he is mad due to a argument. And its not a nice side at all.

 

Like lboogie says enough is enough. Im getting stronger and stronger as the night is getting on (been about an hour but i have stopped crying and actually feel postitive!)

 

Thank you so much for your advice it has made me feel so much better.

 

The good news is that you CAN and WILL find someone else who will give you the sweet part without the downside. I won't go on an ego trip and list the sweet things I've done for my gf, but they encompass what you've put above and much more besides; I'm an incurable romantic! And I've never shouted at her or sent her an abusive message (even when she wasn't sure she wanted to remain in the relationship). They say for everyone you hear about, there are thousands more like them, so I'm supremely confident that you can still get the good side, without the bad sad.

 

Go for it!

 

P.S. On the off-chance that you do give in and take him back (and I'm certainly not recommending that!), at the very least make it conditional on his actually *doing* something about the anger and abuse, i.e. taking classes, therapy, whatever. Not just "I'll try harder", because clearly he can't manage it on his own.

[need2bme]

Here is a little guy advice...anyone who says that they will have fun and wear a condom to their GF, is full of CRAP! Who does that? You don't do that to someone you love.

 

My ex, when we were first dating, used to flirt with guys and not think anything of it. I stayed through tons of hurt, because I was stupid.

 

She didn't cheat on me (at least I am fairly sure ) and she never even hinted about sex with someone else.

 

Run, far, far away, because you deserve better.