My gal friend came to me for advice...

[therealshrek]

One of my female friends came to me for relationship advice and I really didn't know what to tell her.

 

She's in a relationship that has been going on for about 5 months. Her boyfriend is about 8 years older than her, but acts 10 years younger. They've broken up at least twice so far, that i know of.

 

She came to me this morning that she is falling for another guy that she works with. She said he is much nicer, caring, more of a gentleman, and more mature than her current boyfriend. Yet, she says she loves her current boyfriend and every time she talks/hangs out with the co-worker, she feels as if she's cheating on her current boyfriend and it eats away at her.

 

I told her maybe she should tell her current boyfriend that she wants to spend a little less time with him (shes with the guy 24/7, even talking about moving in together). Yet, she's afraid that she may lose her current boyfriend and if things don't work out with the coworker, that she'll be alone. She has this huge fear of being without a boyfriend. In the last 12 years of the 15 I've known her, she's had a boyfriend almost all 12 years, minus maybe 2 months.

 

I have no clue what to tell her. In all honesty, I think shes being a bit selfish.

 

Appreciate some tips. Thank ya'all

[freedom]

i would advice her to quit hanging out with the co-worker until she knows whether she loves the boyfriend. It isnt far on the boyfriend irrigadeless how he acts(matured or not). I would say she should end her relationship with the current boyfriend if she doesnt love him before she goes testing other waters.

It's all about principles.

 

It sounds to me she is an insecure woman. This is just something she has to figure out herself and not inflict pain on others.

[luvingxsomeonexspecial]

I would say that your friend should stop seeing the co-worker until she figures out who she wants to be with. if she decided that she wants to stay with her boyfriend, then she should stop seeing the co-worker for good, but if she decides she likes the co-worker better than her boyfriend, she should take the chance. it wouldn't be fair on her boyfriend to be strung along the whole time if she doesn't really love him.

hope that helps

xx

[Rabican]

my advice would be to quit hanging out with both of them and try to think about what she really wants.

 

Secondly I think she needs some therapy or something. Nobody should be afraid of being alone. She has some self esteem issues or something.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Having feelings for someone else is a sure-fire sign that this is NOT the time for your friend to be moving in with her boyfriend. Also, her fears about being alone sound like a real problem. She's asking you for advice here, so I don't think it'd be inappropriate to suggest that she see a therapist. If she's afraid to get out of a relationship that she isn't enjoying because she doesn't want to risk being alone, something is wrong.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

there are plenty of people who can't stand to be alone, so take up with whomever is available, then drift into a new relationship while still in an older relationship they are not totally happy with... this type of person engages in 'hollow' commitment, where they aren't really basing the connection on the other person on whether they are appropriate or not, just a deeper need to always have someone around, though they aren't committed to that person, just the need to have a partner...

 

so really, needs to be with NEITHER person until she is able to stand alone and make better choices of partners that is not driven by loneliness, but i doubt she will do that...

 

you could suggest she go on break from her current boyfriend to date the other guy for a while to see which she likes better. but in all fairness to her current boyfriend, she should not be 'shopping' for her next boyfriend while still wtih this one...

 

people like this rarely change, and end up breaking a lot of hearts and never finding someone who is really right for them becuase they just play a continual game of musical chairs...

[therealshrek]

wow, you just pretty much described my friend in a nutshell. thank you for the reply, so informative. i actually told my friend today that maybe she should take a break from her current boyfriend to spend some time with the coworker. She just shrugged and said, "Nah, I'm kinda having fun." I didn't really know how to reply to that, so I just shrugged and told her, "Do whatever you wanna do, because you never listen to my advice anyways!" and she just laughed.

 

haha, whatever! she wont be laughing when she comes crying to me about getting dumped.

 

thanks ya'all