Not As Special As He Use To Be

[Nappy]

Getting back together is not all roses....At least in my case...

 

Basically, I was the dumper....Got back together 4 months later....He was attracted to someone else, but chose me....

 

Now, he's a pig just like every man....

 

I don't know if anyone has gotten back together under those circumstances but I'm starting to really REALLY see just how bad those circumstances can be. Yes he chose me...But since we hung out just as often as a newly broken up couple as we did as a full on committed couple....Well, it feels as though I've been cheated on.

 

We were each other's first relationship. He was my first lover, I was his first everything. According to him, I still am the only person he has ever kissed, had sex with, etc....And I do trust him on that...That's not the issue.

 

The issue is in that one of his qualities that made him so special to me is now gone. We were in a bubble, and he totally came out of it. He use to be the guy that would never allow himself or even accidentally become attracted to another person while in a relationship. Now, I've noticed a big change in him. While in a relationship with me now...He checks other girls out, He would become attracted (not just see someone and think they are good looking...But actually be ATTRACTED to them and who they are more than a friend) to another, he focuses very much on the physical (boobs, * * *, whatever....not to say that I'm not attractive because he is extremely attracted to me...he just never focused on those things with all females...He wouldn't let himself)....He's yet another guy in this world. I was his world...Now he's stepped into the "man's world."

 

Now, I know that any other guy I would meet would be like this....But this quality of his was one of the things that made him so special. I guess now when he comments on my physical attributes, emotional attributes, personality etc. (more so the physical though) it just doesn't mean anything to me. Yes he may appreciate me physically...But he would just so easily anybody else.

 

I understand that any other guy I find would be like this....But this quality of his that was so special to me is now gone....I'm dating a new person, one I'm just not use to in him.

 

I know what you may think - Wake up and smell the coffee girly, it's reality. I'm just venting my feelings as to where I am right now and what I'm seeing happening.

 

I guess that is part of the reason that he can't say that he is fully committed to me. Because the thing is, he does love me, he does see himself spending his life with me as he eludes to children, places we'll live, etc. But I'm beginning to see that the reason he doesn't feel that he can say that he is 100% committed is because right now he is still somewhat in single mode where he is emotionally free to be attracted to others...He's just stepping out of it. Last night he commented on the fact that when you are in a relationship you cannot allow yourself to be attracted to others because that would distance you from your SO and make you less attracted to them. I guess that is what is going on with him.....He is committed, but part of him is still in single man's mind mode....

 

Just spilling my thoughts and feelings...

[Wandering_Sword]

How long have you been reconciled? If it's a short period of time, you should give him some time to re-adjust. He did choose you after being in a relationship with another and you did dump him so I think it would be okay to give him a chance. But if both of you have been together for a while then you'll really have to re-evaluate the whole thing again. Hope this helps.

[Wandering_Sword]

 

Now, he's a pig just like every man....

 

 

Hey, some of us have feelings here

[Jason1080]

May I ask why you broke up with him in the first place?

[freedom]

Actually to be honest it is a natural defensive machanism.

As you said you were the Dumper.

He is now back in a relationship with you but he isnt going to give you 100% as he did before cos you broke he heart. In his subconscience mind he would keep some options open.

As for the bubble, he didnt break it, you did (from his point of view)

Maybe through time things will change for the better, as for now, you are going to have a accept it.

As for the men are pigs because we look at women let me tell you there has been research that says otherwise. Women look at men and scans men twice as much and in more detail, it is jsut a subconscience thing. The only difference is that men get caught 'looking' becase we scan at a slower rate.

 

Remember you are the dumper.

 

I hope things work out with you.

we aren't all pigs neither are women all b*tch*s

[arrrrffff]

freedom, is correct. You dumped your guy, someone who loved you, but you decided to go somewhere else.

 

You stated he still loves you. That's great. You broke the bubble without having him to do that. It shows you want him. However, as said before, he WILL NOT give you 100%. At least not right now.

 

Put yourself in his shoes... feel his broken heart... do you think he wants to or can take that chance and be hurt like that again? Just when he has collected the pieces of his heart and put it back together, he risks alot - he risks having all the healing tear his scars again.

 

You have to show him you want him. You have to really think about this - do you really want to have a future with him. If you don't your going to hurt him again, and noone needs to be put through that again. Be 100% sure you two can work through your issues.

 

* Looking at other girls is natural. Girls look at guys, and vice versa.

[Nappy]

I apologize to all the males here - The "All Men Are Pigs" comment - I was upset and angry at the situation. I know you are not all like that - And the truth is - My bf isn't like that either.

 

We reconciled at the very end of December....So it's been 1.5 months now. So we're still in the beginning stages. He has expressed that he is getting better and has lately been more in love with me than he has been in a while....Meaning, he's falling back in love.

 

I definitely have to look at it more as I was the dumper. The thing is that we both took the break up differently. I never stopped loving him, in fact my feelings just got stronger. I never intended to stop loving him actually....I just needed a break. At the time, I wanted to make it as clear cut as possible for the both of us as I thought it was best to do it that way, and really the only way to do it. So, when we had "the talk" I broke up with him fully. I just didn't want to risk me meeting someone and then breaking him even more....I didn't think it was fair. And, I just had the desire to be free for a moment. I found myself unattracted to him....The relationship just was at a boring place. We had gone through so many of these ups and downs and I thought to myself...Well, maybe I waited too long. As you can see, I was confused and I didn't ride out the down that time around. I gave up too quickly and abruptly. We had just gone through an up....And this time the down was the worst it had ever been, and I didn't ride it out even though I knew I still wanted a future with him. It was our first relationship, I thought having some experience before gettting married would be good for us....Thinking we'd end up together in the end...I didn't really think it could drive us apart.

 

He took it very differently. He was heartbroken, depressed, everything that comes with that. But he accepted it and worked on himself, working on moving on. He decided that should we in a couple years find that we still love each other, that we would get back together. But the thing is, things really aren't as simple as that. New people enter your life, you move on, you make the new relationship work just as much as you worked on your first. If that first person is still in your life as a friend....Well then your feelings and attractions probably don't arise again as you've been through so much in between.

 

I guess what I really struggle with is the fact that we reconciled just as he was about to start making a true effort to date this new girl.....Well, atleast allow himself to continue developing feelings for her....Because she did have a boyfriend. She had mentioned to him that she was on the outs with her boyfriend, so he probably was going to wait for that day since he noticed a mutual attraction. He tells me he didn't want a relationship, he just wanted to date her....They were already friends so I don't quite see how he could randomly date her. He was planning on spending time with her as a friend while being attracted to her - I just see that leading to one thing - A serious relationship - He doesn't seem to see it that way. Anyhow, I can't help but think that he would fall in love with her. I know that people can fall in love with more than one person...Obviously...But I guess I never thought that he could fall in love with another....Because I felt that I couldn't, He was IT for me.

 

I met her this past weekend actually...He wanted me to be there for him after class. I wasn't quite sure which one she was going to be....So naturally I looked at each female and....well, i judged each one...I would say I feel badly, but anyone would do that. She was the first to come out of class so the judging started with her....My exact thoughts were, "Okay, woah, ugly, a toothpick, no womanly attributes to her physique, looks quite young, could be her, could not." The only other females were two ladies in their 40s and another girl that he had mentioned to me with another name, So I narrowed it down very easily. I still wasn't quite sure, because she could have easily missed class that day. A couple of us, including her, stayed and talked. She came off as quite shy and insecure...She seemed intimidated by me actually. My bf didn't introduce us...Because well, that's just him...Not the most socially aware guy. I didn't get a good feel for her personality because she really didn't say anything or add anything to the conversation - But what I did get from her is that she definitely comes off as YOUNG (emotionally, place in life, naive, etc), shy, and insecure. So based on the fact that she seemed to be uncomfortable....She definitely was attracted to him and was transitioning to him from her relationship. So besides wit...I think what attracted him to her is that he feels like a man with that kind of a gal...Felt like he was wiser and could teach her more about life or whatnot. He definitely doesn't have that with me...Because I definitely have more life experience than him....I'm not naive, generally speaking....And though he does feel like my protector, He knows I'm by no means weak and in NEED of that...I'm just stronger minded I suppose....Not sure if that would make a guy feel like less of a man.

 

So, the girl is not a threat in the sense of - He found a good/better catch. I know it could have been a lot worse. But no matter who that person is...It still is bothersome because of the plain fact that there were feelings there...Or atleast an attraction. If there is nothing visual there (face, body, neither)...It makes you wonder about who that person is and what it was that he liked about her....Especially since they seem to be so different from you.

 

I guess I just have this idealistic view that if you love someone or if it is true love....You can't have a sincere attraction for someone.

 

I guess I would have preferred if the attraction had worn off naturally rather than out of respect for a relationship you have just re-entered.

 

Bahhh...I have to find a way to get over it, I know this.

 

Because, I do want to spend my life with him, I want him to be the father of my children, I want him to be the person I share everything with, I want to marry him one day. So yes, I do want a future with him. I waited to talk to him about gettting back together until I was certain. That was what the breakup did for me...It made me certain.

 

He's been great. He is spending his weekends with me, we are finding fun things to do together, he is falling back in love. I know that time will tell if he falls totally and completely back in love. I don't mind that....Because that time will also let me know if he is the man for me. Afterall, if I'm not the one for him...Well, then, he must not be the one for me....As heartbreaking as that may be.