True happiness has to come from within......but how how how??

[locolady]

i see on here and in advice everywhere that true happiness has to come from within, from your own perception of yourself, that you cannot be happy in your relationships until you are happy in yourself.....

 

But i just dont know how to do this?

 

How How How??

 

I'd appreciate any help with this one - so far i've tried....

 

- exercising, losing weight, changing my hair/clothes, doing nice things for others, spending time with friends, taking up new hobbies, changing my job, travelling, making new friends.....

 

All these things should make me happy, i know they should but i still feel completely worthless.....my ex-boyfriend cheated and walked away, he never looked back and didnt miss me.....how can i be worth anything?

 

So, any other ideas anyone??!

 

Thanks

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

"All these things should make me happy, i know they should but i still feel completely worthless.....my ex-boyfriend cheated and walked away, he never looked back and didnt miss me.....how can i be worth anything?"

 

You are still basing your self-worth on HIS actions and HIS behavior and the relationship you once had. Perhaps this is why you are still struggling. So perhaps take a step back and say to yourself, his behavior was terrible, you deserve more and you cannot control what others (him) do but YOU CAN control what YOU do and how you will react. Until you take in that some people are jerks, have no regards for others and their feelings, no matter what you do on the surface, this is going to eat at you.

 

Try to let this go. And know there are many folks out there whom care and would never do what your ex did.

 

Hang in there.

 

(((HUGS)))

[ImThatGirl]

How to find true happiness from within?

 

At different points in my life, I have felt worthless. Undesirable, unsuccessful, unwanted, unneeded, unpretty, etc. etc.

 

What I do: The things I enjoy. I look in the mirror everyday and tell myself I'm beautiful. I focus on the positive things in my life.

 

I think alot of this has to do with your ex-boyfriend cheating and walking away from you. Please take time to process and heal from that. It wasn't your fault! I know it's easy to blame yourself and hate yourself but honey, it wasn't anything about you. It was all about him - probably the whole relationship was - and he eventually flew away.

 

You deserve more than that. What can we do to help you??? Believe in yourself! Love yourself! Forgive yourself and Accept Yourself!

 

Hugs~~~~

[kellbell]

Oh an afterthought, the things you have been doing in the meantime are wonderful BUT until you deal with your pain, reflect on it and learn from it, everything else is a temporary fix. Kind of like a band-aid. Band-aids do not heal wounds, they only protect them, hide them. Wounds heal from time, care, and nurturing. So all these other things you have been doing have been "protecting" your pain, covering it and perhaps this is why you are still hurting.

[Jetta]

Well it does come from within. You've just shown that all the external stuff isn't helping, but it sounds nice even to read.

 

The how is a good question. Try meditation. Otherwise I think there may external things that trigger internal feelings. What brings you joy, happiness? That is what you should involve yourself in regularly.

 

I know I'm generally a peaceful person yet my life is very chaotic. I used to remain calm under pressure, but everyone has a breaking point and I found mine. Returning to that inner calm took some time. But as far as happy that's something for me comes from music, or at least it used to.

[darkpumpkin]

I was looking for the same thing. It's not something someone can tell you how to achieve. It's taking a stand. Looking at what makes you happy and then doing that. Finding pleasue in what you do do. Do not judge yourself. Beselfish. I know that sounds foolish but it's worked for me

[Timebandit]

 

- exercising, losing weight, changing my hair/clothes, doing nice things for others, spending time with friends, taking up new hobbies, changing my job, travelling, making new friends.....

 

I think that that neither of these attempts are from within, but are rather are attempts at becoming happy by changing something on the outside.

 

My experience with true happiness has to do with self-acceptance, which is about accepting yourself with all your flaws (which we all have).

 

Happiness cannot be found outside yourself.

[locolady]

But how do i accept myself when i'm not what i want to be?

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

"But how do i accept myself when i'm not what i want to be?"

 

I am not exactly sure what you mean by this statement. Can you clarify?

[Jetta]

Accept who you are in the journey. If you have a goal you haven't yet achieved, make smaller goals to show progress. That'll make it easier for you to accept the person that you are.

[flower99]

But how do i accept myself when i'm not what i want to be?

 

What is it you want to be, that you don't feel you are?

[locolady]

Hey there,

 

"But how do i accept myself when i'm not what i want to be?"

 

I am not exactly sure what you mean by this statement. Can you clarify?

 

I think i mean, how can i be happy being me when i have flaws.....i know no-one is perfect and i'd never expect perfection in my friends but i want to be kind, thoughtful, beautiful, funny, thin etc....unless i wake up tomorrow and suddenly find i am different, how will i be happy? I try really hard to be a good person but how can you know if you are or not? I have lots of friends but someone i loved and i thought loved me betrayed and walked away from me.....if i am that replaceable then i cant have any worth.

 

I guess i dont know what i lack, why he wasnt satisfied so i dont know how to improve myself.

 

I want to improve myself but i feel like i try to be a good person already and that wasnt enough. Nothing i do ever makes him regret losing me or think i am worth being with so how can i ever be happy? I have been told/shown that i'm not good enough but i dont know how to change that.

[flower99]

All these things should make me happy, i know they should but i still feel completely worthless.....my ex-boyfriend cheated and walked away, he never looked back and didnt miss me.....how can i be worth anything?

 

My ex boyfriend & father of my child, wanted to kill me...slit my throat....rather me dead...didn't value you me as his girlfriend,not even his childs mother. How can i be worth anything?

 

The way I see it, is my ex deep down wasn't happy with himself, he can't even stand to be alone with himself.

So how he felt about me, was just a reflection of how he really felt about himself. He is so blinded by everything in his own life, I dont' believe he even knew my worth. But I do & it's important you do.

These are important things in my eyes & what makes me feel worth something.

I know I'm a good person (try to do what's right) who wouldn't intentially hurt anyone, who likes to help others, share & love. I can be kind, I can be strong, I can laugh, i can cry, I do want I need to better mine & my sons life, I treat everyone I meet with a smile, I look in the mirror everyday & decied today will be a good one & that is what i'll make it. I Know that I can do whatever i set my mind to. I know i can brighten someones day or mess up someones day. JUST like you!!!

I think the problem was with your ex, and not you.

 

i believe all of these are important things & that is why I feel I'm worth something. Find out what's important to you...I've read your posts before & i find you to be a beautiful soul...Please Don't ever place your worth in someone elses hands.

[kellbell]

"I guess i dont know what i lack, why he wasnt satisfied so i dont know how to improve myself."

 

You don't lack anything, your ex is the one whom lacked integrity, maturity, honestly and restraint. You are blaming yourself for something you had NO CONTROL over. None whatsoever. We CANNOT control what others do. Not one bit. We are control of ourselves. Your ex made a conscience decision to betray you, to give into temptation, to lie.

 

Until you accept you cannot control the actions of others, you are going to continue to blame yourself for this, thus causing you to continue to feel worthless.

[locolady]

thanks for replies, i understand you are right i couldnt control his actions....thing is he's not a loser - everyone adores him, he is popular, funny, everyone wants him to be around, he is happy, he expressed remorse for his actions and then moved on - mature and accepting. He has lost nothing and yet i've lost everything, he has a new girlfriend that he will treat brilliantly because he has learnt from his mistakes......the problem lies with me - i cant see this any other way?

[JoeWho]

Hey, you are taking what your ex did to you and basing your worth on that. That is the wrong way to be thinking. So what if he doesn't want to be with you, I am sure that there are tons of other guys that would be thrilled to be with you.

 

 

I have had the unfortunate experience also of being cheated on and then left for another. My ex of almost ten years cheated on me and left me for some other guy this past summer. Sure it was a blow to my self esteem, how could it not be? I don't think I am worthless based on the fact that she didn't want to be with me and moved on so quickly. I mostly think that it was her loss and she made a mistake whether she realizes it or not.

 

I know it is a tough thing to get over when you get cheated on, but you have to realize that people cheat and leave their S/O all the time, its a part of life. Your worth has absolutely nothing to do with your ex and what he did to you. Stop thinking that way, think that it was his loss because you are a great girlfriend and he was foolish not to realize that. Go from there, do what you want to do, have fun and enjoy your freedom and everything will fall into place with time.

[locolady]

but it isnt his loss because he didnt want me, he thinks he is better off without me so surely he is......why would anyone want to be with me, i'm obviously a crappy girlfriend, i thought i was a great gf but clearly i was wrong. he is happier when i have no part in his life, i dont know how i can ever accept this - because it means i have nothing to give, that i make no difference to anyone

[kellbell]

"He has lost nothing and yet i've lost everything, he has a new girlfriend that he will treat brilliantly because he has learnt from his mistakes......the problem lies with me - i cant see this any other way?"

 

He has lost something or someone, he lost you. Someone with honesty, love, compassion, thirst for life. What have you lost? Seriously, think about this one a bit. What exactly do you feel you lost?

 

You do not know if he going to treat his new girlfriend brilliantly, you don't know that. Heck, he may cheat on her too.

 

I don't think your ex is a loser, I never said that nor implied that; however, his BEHAVIOR was terrible.

 

"that i make no difference to anyone"

 

This is a very inflated statement here and you don't know this. Again, you are wanting to control how others feel and act. Give up that need to CONTROL.

 

The bottom line is, if you go to bed each night, proud of whom you are, being thankful for what you have, feel that you did the right thing, handled matters the best way you could with the resources you had at the time, and could sleep at night, then you are ahead of the game. That is something to be proud of.

[flower99]

but it isnt his loss because he didnt want me, he thinks he is better off without me so surely he is......why would anyone want to be with me, i'm obviously a crappy girlfriend, i thought i was a great gf but clearly i was wrong. he is happier when i have no part in his life, i dont know how i can ever accept this - because it means i have nothing to give, that i make no difference to anyone

 

he did want you, he had you for a very long time. just because he didn't remain with you for life, does NOT mean that you are worthless. It just means he's not the one.

Get yourself together, find out what qualities are valueable to you and strive to be the best you can be, because there IS someone who is 'the one' out there waiting for you.

[locolady]

 

The bottom line is, if you go to bed each night, proud of whom you are, being thankful for what you have, feel that you did the right thing, handled matters the best way you could with the resources you had at the time, and could sleep at night, then you are ahead of the game. That is something to be proud of.

 

This is very good advice, thanks.....i guess i feel like my judgement is so impaired, everything i thought got turned upside down, i got made a fool of, i was the last one to know etc, i honestly thought he loved me.....i feel now that i dont know anything and when i think i'm doing alright maybe i'm really being a crap person, i just cant see it? Even when i feel good theres a voice inside me telling me "dont be ridiculous, you're rubbish"

[kellbell]

Okay, for argument's sake...STRICTLY hypothetical....

 

Say he DID feel you were a crappy girlfriend, that he was not happy anymore, he was not being fulfilled in some way or whathave you....well, he could have a the you know what to tell it to your face. To talk to you about it, perhaps work on some the issues at hand. But no,

 

He took the most cowardly, most selfish, most decietful way out. He snuck around, lied, and compromised your emotional well-being. Honestly, is this the kind of person whom you want for a husband, to be the father of your children, a man with no integrity, not compelled to talk to you about his concerns?

 

IMO, one can ALWAYS see a person's true colors during times of stress, during times of adversity. Well, this is how he copes. He lies, sneaks...not the kind of man you want to end up with anyway.

 

It is all about perspective my friend. Hang in there, I promise, you will be okay.

 

(((HUGS)))

[locolady]

thanks Kellbell, those are good things for me to consider......my mum always says what goes around comes around, maybe he's happy now but as you say if he is a coward once and has chosen not to care who he hurts, he wouldnt be a good bet in the long run.

 

Thanks for your kindness, you've given me some important things to remember

[kellbell]

Hey no problem,

 

I know it hurts real bad to be cheated on. I have been myself and it hard NOT to blame yourself. But looking from the outside, I had no control over matters. The only control I had was how I was going to react and deal with what happened. Plus, time and help from friends and family helped me a great deal.

[bulletproof]

Hi LL. I know exactly how you are feeling. I used to feel that way all the time. It's a really hard mindset to get out of. You just have to keep remembering that what other people think of you doesn't really matter. Even if you have to say it to yourself a hundred times a day, or write it in a book a million times, do it, because that one thought can save you a lot of grief. It doesn't matter what your ex or anyone else thinks of you. That doesn't define who you are. Only you define who you are. We all face rejection throughout our lives, whether it be for a job, or a friendship, or a relationship. It's how you pick yourself up afterwards that matters.

 

You seem to be sort of stuck in one mode of viewing your former relationship. Just because he cheated, which was a very immature thing to do, doesn't mean that there were no real feelings there. It just means that he probably has a lot of growing up to do and that right now, you are better off finding someone who is at the same level as you are in terms of a serious, adult partnership. Try to look at it as something that didn't work out, take any lessons you can from the experience, and move forward in a really positive way. I understand the feeling of not trusting one's own judgement after these things happen. You will regain your confidence. Just give it time.

[g1234567890h]

Okay, I'll tackle this one. I personally think this thread is starting to go off topic but I'll rescue it.

 

- exercising, losing weight, changing my hair/clothes, doing nice things for others, spending time with friends, taking up new hobbies, changing my job, travelling, making new friends.....

 

That's all outside stuff. It's all very nice, but it's not going to change who you are on the inside. It's just going to change what you do, not how you think. Doing nice things for others, though, is a very good thing and I'll get into that later.

All these things should make me happy, i know they should but i still feel completely worthless.....my ex-boyfriend cheated and walked away, he never looked back and didnt miss me.....how can i be worth anything?

 

Well, look at it this way, he is only one idiot in a world full of people, some idiots some not. Not everyone is going to like/appreciate/love you, but some will.

 

This is how I went from being suicidal to having a higher happiness and life satisfaction than most people my age.

 

You first need to realize that you don't need others. You don't need your relationship, you don't need to have people always talking to you. You are independent, an oasis on a stormy desert. People say and do things, but does what they say and do really matter? It shouldn't. Nobody should be able to control how you are feeling. Nobody touches me. I'm happy or sad on my own merit. How others are feeling really doesn't affect me, and it shouldn't. That's how they feel. They are not me. I am me.

 

I believe that the best cure (not just a treatment) for depression is doing things for others. For me, I volunteered at a state subsidized preschool, meaning most of the children were from underprivilaged families who had government funding to send them to preschool. I spend the summer after my 19th birthday dealing with behavioral problems. I saw abused children, children from broken homes, and teenage parents. I immersed myself in how hard life can be and you know what? The people at the center loved me for it. The children loved me. The teachers loved me. They offered me a job. Since then depression has never been a problem for me because now I teach preschool as my job and I'm in college going for a PhD so I can work with children for the rest of my life.

 

The best way to get out of depression is to do something hard for free, and the people will love you for it. That love will rub off on you and you'll begin to love yourself.