Nearly healed, not quite ready for friendship, but do have a question for dumpers...

[littlebylittle]

OK.

 

So after 8 weeks of self pity, tears, sorrow, depression, booze, anger, frustration, self doubt, hate, love, pain, and everything else you guys are all too familiar....followed by 3 weeks of lessened pain.....I think I may be over this.

 

I'm afraid I'm not entirely sure how, but on Friday I woke up and my first thought wasn't "I miss her", my first thought was "looks like a nice day", closely followed by "God I'm horny". Since then I've spent less and less time thinking about the ex and even when I do it is from an objective, almost detached, perspective rather than an emotional one.

 

I guess 3 weeks of NC had a lot to do with it, as did insisting to my friends to ignore me if I raised the subject, and to my housemate I gave clear instructions that her name was not to be uttererd under our roof. Aside from those things I spent three weeks pushing myself physically and mentally, maybe that helped too?

 

The bizarre thing is how quickly I seemed to switch. It was literally overnight. Don't get me wrong, I still care about her and still hurt a bit, but I can function again and can see a life ahead of me. I'd love to be able to give you the key but I really don't have one. It was literally one nights sleep.

 

It sounds stupid but I almost miss the hurt, miss the 'missing'. I think one thing I have learnt is that whist you need to experience the hurt and go through the process to get over someone, sometimes the obsessing with getting over it or getting them back takes over - I started restricting myself from logging onto this website - whilst it has been immensely helpful to me I noticed that it almost fuelled my thoughts of her, which is unhelpful to say the least.

 

 

So. Back to work yesterday to face the ex for the first time in 3 weeks. I'm not sure I even noticed her for half the day, bit of a dip in the afternoon when I caught her eye and she smiled - but I think that I'll always be a sucker for her smile.

 

She's moving back home with her friends and family - AHA! - maybe this helped too - the knowledge and acceptance that 300 miles would be put between us and thus she really REALLY didn't hold any hope for reconciliation also put me on the path to recovery. Until that point I'd been stuck in the "getting back together" forum - searching and hoping. As soon as I knew she was moving away my healing process really began, no more false hope, no more "I'm getting over this" when secretly I was yearning for her return.

 

This brings me to this afternoon. She sent me an email to say that she hopes my traveling goes well (another decision I've made since breaking up - maybe the biggest positive I've found so far). Anyhow, what is my point? Well, I responded to the email with something along the lines of "it would have been great if it had been us going away, maybe in another lifetime eh?". Her email had been jolly, as had mine, so I just continued the theme with "you've got an exciting year ahead too, new job, new city, new life, friends and family nearby...."

 

She's now responded with "sometimes I wish we'd only ever have been friends, at least we'd still have that now".

 

So my question to dumpers and dumpees the world over is - WHY oh WHY does someone who clearly does not want to be in your life anymore hold onto this dream of friendship - surely when they make the decision to dump you they know that means BYE BYE friendship (at least in the short term) and besides, why would a dumper want to be friends - they clearly don't care that much for the dumpee anymore.

 

I don't know.

 

Think I'm just venting - thanks for reading and keep smiling everyone.

[Biffy]

I can't tell you - when I've been the dumper before it was because it had gotten to the point with the lady in question where I just plain didn't like her anymore so didn't want to remain friends or anything. After I broke it off I didn't contact her once.

 

In a relationship, if there is chemistry there, we love each others' company and we have a solid friendship and respect - I wouldn't hit the eject button if doubts crept in.

 

So why do others' dump folks when these factors are present? I have no idea - but I assume that those factors must have been there for the ex's to plague us with contact afterward.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i'm not sure that this statement you made is correct: 'they clearly don't care that much for the dumpee anymore.' there were lots of reasons that attracted them to you to begin with, which is why they started a relationship. but then they later decided that the relationship wasn't working for them for whatever reason, but they might still what the friendship part (maybe not best friends, but friends)...

 

it also means they are much more far along on the healing spectrum than the dumpee... dumpers have the luxury of being in the relationship for as long as they want, examining it and deciding that they don't want it, or there are different things/people that they want that won't work out in conjunction with being in a relationship with a person. so for them, by the time they break up, they have already worked through their pain and acceptance before they leave, and leaving can even be a relief.

 

the dumpee however is in the position of still be totally attached, and possibly feeling that the relationship was perfect for them in every way, though the dumper came to a different conclusion. so the dumpee is in shock, pain, disbelieve, denial, etc., which usually precludes the friendship, at least for as long as the dumpee is still grieving. some people can never return to being friends, and others are able to do that after both parties have moved on and have new lives and/or partners so there is no residual pain left...

 

when someone is dumped with almost no preparation, they almost always feel that they will never recover, that person is the only one for them, and hope for a reconciliation... it just takes time to realize that what they really need is perspective, and their lives can go on and return to being happy again without that person in it... but it does take time, sometimes more than other, depending on the circustances and person...

 

so the idea of friendship seems alien to you at this point because the breakup is too recent to you, but your ex has probably recovered and healed enough to remember the good and the bad int he relationship, and to want to go back to being friends because she liked you enough. but she may recognize that may not be possible, due to your feelings, or the distance that will soon be between you.

 

best of luck, one day you will feel the same way!

[rosie76]

OK.

why would a dumper want to be friends - they clearly don't care that much for the dumpee anymore.

 

This isn't true at all! Have you ever broken off with someone you had loved? I have several times - and it's a ridiculously cliche thing to say but each time I still did love them more than most people on earth, I just didn't want to be their girlfriend anymore.

 

This happens - some big life shift (leaving school, starting a new job, etc.) happens to one partner and not the other and the relationship can't adjust, or else there's just something about being together than doesn't work despite loads of caring. I had one ex who was a wonderful warm person I cared tremendously for, but he couldn't get over being irrationally jealous and after a year of having the same draining fights whenever we were out I couldn't imagine still having them when I was 40.

 

True, if you're really crazy in love you find ways to try to work around these things, but it's a perverse fact of life that true crazy in love does sometimes just go away for no reason at all. The pain of missing someone who you loved and who was a big part of your life is there regardless of who ends it.

[Allie.]

Hey, firstly, I believe that you are not completely over her. Though, you may have had a sudden change in moods overnight...its not permanent. That's what most ppl don't realize while moving on. Its not a straight LINE that goes up to the top of the hill and you just keep moving forward. It's actually more of a wave....its a series of waves that contain low points and high points....almost every few days...these waves take place. Eventually, these waves will start coming in LOWER intensities...that doesn't mean that you'll be over the person, but that means that your high points will be high and your low points will be not so painful. So...you will be moving on. you are. so just keep on going.

 

As for the dumper's point of view, I feel like, "the whole friends" deal is jut to be polite even though the dumper and dumpee both realize that there is not going to be a friendship. i mean, how awful would it be if when breaking up, the dumper goes: "oh btw, lets not talk for a long time.." That's not in the DUMPER's part to say. So yess...thats what i feel.

[littlebylittle]

Thanks for the opinions guys.

 

Don't get me wrong - I'm not being completely naive. Rosie76- In answer to your question - yes, I have dumped someone before, someone I was with for 9 years so I'm aware of the dumper dynamic and know how I was after the event.

 

I was just throwing something out there to be honest. Just curious to hear different perspectives and I'm grateful for the three I've received!!!

[littlebylittle]

Thanks Allie,

 

Don't get me wrong. I know there will still be lower days in the future, it was just the case that the 'wave height' to continue your metaphor was far far far lower overnight. I've been through this before so know I can expect different fluctuations but it just stood out as failry dramatic on this occasion!

 

...and yes - you're right - I'm not over her, I know that - it was far more the case that I could look at things objectively not subjectively/emotionally that really struck me.

 

Anyhow, thanks again.

[Massari]

here is my 2 cent. as the dumper here. I am telling you .. I had to break up with someone whom I was very much in love because of infidelity issues. I have kept strict NC.. changed my number and I will not contact her. You would think I don't care about her?? no,, but beacause I know it will never work out and since I don't want to fall again with her.. I am ignoring. and no I don't wanna be friends.. because feelings are strong here,