There is hope my friends! But I still hate, help!

[ephemeralDreams]

14 months after my divorce, I can eat, sleep, yes even have fun. I do not spend my day's and nights thinking about how, what, when, why. I have moved on and found a new life. I have a great girl friend and am starting to love and trust again.

KEEP UP THE WORK PEOPLE IT WILL GET BETTER!!

My only question is how to get the hate out of my heart. I really hate my ex-wife. She left our marrage of 10 years, forced me from my home, broke my 5 year old sons heart, lied, cheated, all of this because we just grew appart. No warning, no effort, no help, she dos not care. I hate her for this! My life is forever changed and my heart dammaged. I need to leave her too, however, hate is all she is to me. I need to leave hate. Please help me I don't know how, I need tools!

[mariab.]

go see an acupuncturist and do yoga.

[Locke2121]

Hate is called a negative emotion, but its not. Like all other emotions, it is an impetus to greater things. You hate what she did, the hurt she caused others. Use that hate to compell you to change things! Get a home of your own, use the next years to repair the damage to your son, reveil to the world her lies and infidelities so that others know her for what she is.

 

Hate is only an emotion, no better or worse than another. Its what you do with it that makes it bad or good. Use it wisely grasshopper!

[Dako]

Do it for your new lady.

She deserves better than an angry bf.

How can you love your gf with a damaged heart?

You can't get even with your ex. You can only put her into the past and look ahead.

 

It's been a little over 16 months for me.

[ephemeralDreams]

Thank you Dako. I ask my self the same question. Do you really love with the same freedom and trust after you have been hurt? I feel a little shallow. I want to love freely again but don't know if I can. I want to give more, to my girl friend, my son, community, however, I feel my ex-wife has taken what I once had to give and threw it away.

[Cindersam]

For the sake of your sanity (and health) and that of your new girlfriend you need to let go of the anger. I know it is not easy but it will eat away at you and at your new relationship if you don't.

 

I dated a man for 6 years who hated his ex. She did all the things to him that yours did to you so I could understand why he was angry. I supported him and listened while he would rant or rave about one thing or another. But I can tell you it gets old after a while. After 6 years he was still as angry as he was when I met him. The stress it caused him and us went too far.

 

It is normal to be angry after someone hurts you like that. But get it out and move on or it will destroy you and all those around you. Are you willing to give her that power over you now? THe best revenge is to be happy with your new life and move on.

[Dako]

Loving again is a test of faith in you and your partner.

 

I felt very broken from the abrupt end of a long marriage. Bitterness had its way with me for a while, but letting go is a big help.

[finewhine]

Hey, Ephemeral. I understand your frustration. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you've really come a long way since your divorce, and that's saying A LOT for your character and constitution.

 

The good news is, you want to change. You recognize that your hate is damaging your life. I think that's the first step to making that change and letting go of the anger.

 

As for the rest of the steps, I have no idea what they are. I think the people who are going to tell you to just "let go" are being a little simplistic. If only it were that easy!

 

I, too, am trying to get over some hatred for my ex (who wasn't nearly as bad as your ex and our relationship wasn't nearly as long). I have found that something that helps me is to read up on forgiveness.

 

Also, another thing that has helped me is understanding something about the nature of evil. Seriously. This sounds incredibly dumb, but it's true. I read that the perpetrator of an evil action rarely thinks about that action. For instance, a mugger rarely remembers whom he mugged; to him, it's just an action that he committed. For the victim of a mugging, it's a life-altering event that they'll think about for years and it's something they'll always remember. But the mugger? His brain chemistry is different. He is a mugger. He mugs people. That's what he does. That's who he is.

 

Your ex-wife is a jerk. That's what she does. That's who she is. Perhaps this perspective will help you have a little pity for her, which can someday lead to forgiveness?

[ephemeralDreams]

Thank you all. I feel letting go of my anger will be the last big step in healing my heart. For all of you suffering keep it up. You have to live through the pain, and it will get better