Don't know if I can keep going

[ironpumper]

I don't know where to begin...I have SO many issues I'm just lost. I'll try to summarize best I can. I was perfectly happy, recently graduated from college, bought a new home. Then fell in love with a girl 18 years younger than I am. It just HAPPENED...It didn't work out, she was way too busy with work, and still is, but I kept on trying. I eventually decided to move on, best I could, and try dating again. I worked so hard at part-time jobs and finishing school I never had time to pursue a relationship for a LONG time. Also spent a lot of time caring for my dad, who had Alzheimer's. I moved my parents in with me to help take care of him.

 

So I didn't want to feel what I was feeling about this girl, but I couldn't get her out of my heart. We talked about it, time and time again. We went out a couple of times, I fought it because I thought it was ludicrous. I was just too old..I tried everything. No contact for months, 3 months of therapy, anything and everything, but as hard as I tried, I still loved her. And still do.

 

So I start dating agin, trying to start a relationship, but every one I went out with just didn't click with me. So last night, I go out wth this girl, who I'd met on link removed. We seemed to really hit it off. So we planned a date for last night and she basically ripped me apart. She asked me if I'd ever been in a relationship, ever had sex...etc. It's like she looked right through me and tore me apart. She was telling me I needed therapy. I explained about my mom living with me before we went out (my dad died a couple of years ago and mom still lives in my home) and I thought she was fine with that.

 

Yep, I am a 48-year old virgin. I simply chose to be the person I am, and that person believes in not just giving the gift of sex to just anyone, it HAD to be someone I loved, and I always knew that SOMEDAY I would know when that would happen.. Someday. Well , that day came, I found her. And she's 18 years younger than I am..

 

Anyway, this girl I went out with last night looked at me as if I had some horrible disease. I felt like such a LOSER. My heart broke and ached as i heard her ask me those questions. I guess it's obvious or something.

 

I'm trying, SO hard, I can't just toss my mother out of the house, she's old and alone. I can't compromise who I am or what I believe in. This love in my heart for this younger girl is a strong as the day I met her nearly 5 years ago. I don't know, maybe the girl I was out with last night sensed that I loved someone else. I never told her about the other girl I was in love with though.

 

AS I left, I felt so disgusted with myself, like a big loser. I'm really trying to find someone else, start a real relationship. I'm not just sitting around moping over this "love of my life". I can't make her love me, and I'm not trying to do anything with her. She knows how I feel about her, and I know she cares about me. I don't want to scare her or come off as a stalker or something to her. I've put her through enough. I just accept the fact that what's in my heart is there, and I resign myself to the fact that what it is, is what it is.

 

I'd quit smoking, but after I left my date last night, I found the closest gas station and bought a pack, smoked most of the pack while just driving around, wanting life to just 'be over' with...I felt so pathetic.

 

Sorry this was so long. Just needed a place to voice what I'm feeling. Not looking for sympathy or advice. I got that last night from my 'date'-Something about 'eye movement therapy" or something. Just a humiliating experience all around.

 

I threw away the cigarettes, gonna pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going. I won't compromise my values or family for anyone, and if you read this and think me sad, please don't. At least I really really know what love is, that's better than never knowing it at all...

[Jeffrey2095]

Right on Iron pumper!

 

Thanks for the nice post.

 

I went through something very similar a few years back.

 

Sounds like you have a good handle on it, and the healthy attitude was great to hear. Thanks.

 

Hang in there bud, you sound like a sensitive person, and that is A-1.

 

 

Jeff

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi Iron Pumper,

 

I'm sorry you feel so rough. I think that your post is a combination of things, which are all entangled up.

 

First of all, the girl last night sounds a wee bit cruel to me:

 

So we planned a date for last night and she basically ripped me apart. She asked me if I'd ever been in a relationship, ever had sex...etc. It's like she looked right through me and tore me apart. She was telling me I needed therapy.

 

It's one thing for a trusted friend to tell you this, or someone you've known for a while, or even someone who you ask on Enotalone! But for a date to tell you all that - she sounds cruel to me. Who says that to someone they have just met? She doesn't know you, and I would discount that meeting at bad luck.

 

The love for the 30 year old girl - 18 years isn't such a big age difference. (There is nearly 30 years age difference between my parents - they've been married for 44 years!). I don't see that as an insurmountable barrier to be honest. But it sounds as though that didn't work out - am I right? Did you break up as such, or was she not interested, or did you decide to let it go?

I'm trying, SO hard, I can't just toss my mother out of the house, she's old and alone. I can't compromise who I am or what I believe in

 

I think there is a difference between you still living at home and you giving a home to your parents - I would admire someone who gave a home to their mother, although I *might* be a bit wary. Do you have your independence, and are boundaries firmly in place? That might be something to look at, to make sure that your mother is not dominating your home. I know it's hard though.

 

AS I left, I felt so disgusted with myself, like a big loser. I'm really trying to find someone else, start a real relationship. I'm not just sitting around moping over this "love of my life".

 

You're not a loser - don't be hard on yourself. If I were dating, I would not mind meeting someone like you, because you seem honest and kind, although maybe your confidence would be low.

 

My advice is to maybe start looking at ways to open up your life - try new things, new sports, new holidays, new clubs etc. Rather than the cruel world of dating, make the activity the thing you do. Maybe look for friends first, go to the theatre, film clubs, volunteer work, social activities, cookery classes, language classes etc. Because that's a nicer and easier way to ease yourself into socialising - put yourself out there, make a wider social circle for yourself, let women see your kind, caring nature and fall for that first, rather than the really random world of online dating. I think in your circumstances that would build your confidence first.

 

And keep posting here!

 

Take care.

[Locke2121]

There's nothing with you being the person you want to be! Your caring for your mom, have very strong convictions about how you want to live your life and don't seem to want to change just to suit someone else. Your not a loser.

 

I don't think women really like it when men change themselves completely to suit the woman's idea of a perfect man. Thats not a man, thats a Stepford Husband! If she doesn't like it, tell her "Fine, see you around. There are plenty of other fish in the sea!" When she sees that your not some wuss, but a man willing to stand up for what you believe in, you might be surprised at how she reactes. Even if she doesn't come around, there are plenty of ladies out there looking for someon whose convictions are as strong as yours!