helped someone realize they were being abused

[intodeep]

Hello group. First time posting and though someone here could help me look at my current situation I got myself into because somehow I had to have done some good. I became friends with a young co-worker about 2 years ago and something was different between us or I thought so. Not anything sexual (I was 35 and she was 19), but more of a bonding connection. She was in an abusive relationship and thought I had never even thought about getting involved in something like this before, my heart bleed and I felt compelled to help her. She did finally move from where all this was taking place, but the onion has many layers to what her and I were all about and though it has come to an end in a way I did not want, I am just flat destroyed and I do not know how to process it. As all of this evolved quickly and as I tried to help her financially and emotionally, we both found something for each other. She had very bad parents and her dad died in her early teens and was never there for her anyways and her mom was a drug addict who dies last year. Luckily her grandparents took custoday of her and even though I never met them, from what I tried to gather they were good people and are today. She started to call me dad and up until all of this, I never had any interest in having kids but she sure as heck fire flipped a switch in me and I went with it. She is very smart but due to childbirth at 15, she quit school but I offered her an oppotunity to go to community college after she got her GED. It went really well on that end but slowly and painstakingly things started to fall apart for the both of us. Mostly on her part though I take some blame because I did not know how to handle it. Now looking at all this, people and friends around me that knew what I was trying to kept telling me she was not who she said she was and she leads a different life other than the one she always told me. I never questioned alot of it becuase I felt sorry for her and let a whole slide under the rug. Well, I sit here now and in my heart I know I did a good thing and tried my best, but I feel like a part of me is destroyed and I can't seem to be able to look at all the positives of this story put in front of you. I really wanted this to play out so she could get a leg up on life and I could have what I never knew I wanted and that was a kid. She has started to run with a crowd similar to what she was running with when we started this journey. I am really looking for advice from someone on this board who has hopefully been in a similar situation. I was told it was like a bad breakup. It is far worse than that because if you really love your kids, you will be there for them always and for me it can no longer be that way as I do not want to see her destroy herself. This would probably be a lot easier but we work together and I see her 5 days a week. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated as this has just put the darkest cloud over my life and I know I somewhere in me I need to see I did a good thing.

 

Thank you,

Intodeep

[Jeffrey2095]

Hello Intodeep,

 

So, you were trying to help her out, and give her some "fatherly" advice, and that is a good thing...

 

Maybe... step it down to "uncle" level or "big brother" level and just let her kind of live life, and make mistakes... we all have to do that for ourselves if we are really to learn from life...

 

I have been in situations where I felt I was raising other people's kids...

 

Not to say that your sitch is the same, just to let you know that I like to help young people if I can also...

 

Some things... you're just gonna' have to step back from a little maybe.

 

Kids her age have to find out for themselves sometimes.

 

Just hang in there, and if she needs you, she will inquire most likely.

 

Good luck, and good you being her friend, that is very noble.

 

Also... welcome to ENA, a really great place.

 

Jeff

[intodeep]

Well, step back I have. And I am pretty certain that all efforts on both ends have been exhausted. You are right in that she needs to learn the hard way, but how someone can be so disrespectful to someone trying to only help them is just something that I will never forget. We began this journey because she was angry at everything and I offered her help in seeking professional therapy. That is what started all this and that is basically where it has ended. Living in that type of childhood and situation can easily make her live that life style and this kid is too special to turn into that. And that is exactly why I really want no involvement with it anymore but when I lay down at night, I get little sleep thinking had I done something different, it would not be in the current state it is today. Thanks for the reply.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Good for you for trying to help her - but your disappointment in her is hard. I think you need to take a step back, because you sound overly involved in this young woman.

 

You can offer her help, but you are NOT her father; you are not her family. You are not that far apart in age. Do you have a partner? How does she feel about your investment in this young woman?

 

You have to let go - you have offered her help, but now it's time to step back. If you feel this strongly about helping people in that situation, maybe look at community/volunteer work, because you obvioulsy have a drive to help others.

 

I'm sorry you're in pain; you tried, which is more than most people do.

[intodeep]

Well, step back I did. Now that I am looking at it from a different angle, she was abusive towards me and she was abused growing up. Kind of crazy to look at it that way, but definitely sad. And my spouse is a great person. She has known my intent all along and I am just that kind of a person. The fact is I never thought I wanted kids and she came along and flipped the right switches. My spouse was finally interested in getting involved in all this which was great because she could have done more for that girl than I ever could have. This is what can happen when people try to help others. And this is exactly why people stop trying to help others. And I have thought about getting involved with something like this through an organization but I get to attached to things so it is best for my own health if I stay out of situations like this from here on out. What is truly sad is the opportunity the kid missed out on but that is only from my vantage point.