How do you get over making huge mistakes in life?

[stilarock]

I'm 31 years old, just thinking of mistakes i made. I was in a good college and make incredible friends 9 years ago. It was the first time i was happy and people liked me for who I was. I decided to leave because i felt i needed to work to get my career going.... I remember telling the counselor if i stay i will have a great social life and be happy but if i leave i will go back to my old college where i made no friends , but i will finish school quicker and will have a good career..

Big mistake.. i chose the career but not having friends and a social life suck. I should have stayed at the other college and just waited till i graduated to get a job. i was in such a rush to start a career..

 

People in my family kept telling me i was very old at 22 to still be in college and i better hurry up and get out and all i need is a bachelors.. basically i got terrible advice and had no one to talk to.

all my friends from that college just drifted away from me. during life at the other college i was just lonely and empty-very hard to make friends since its a commuter art college, non friendly types...i made some friends but they were very superficial and it didnt last long. fake types.

 

I got into an abusive 2 year relationship with a man who told me i am stupid and ugly and i stayed with him...,,. threw a potential good career move away, pushed away every nice guy in my path.

 

I am left now with nothing but a good job and memories of what could have been,, its a lonely life i have.

 

Every night i go to sleep and think of how my life could have been. SOmetimes i dream i stayed at the right college..prob would have been married by now... it torments me everyday..

How can i get over this depression and huge life mistake?

[lilred]

Since you can't turn back time, your time is wasted thinking about the past and what you "would've, could've and should've" done. What you can do is control your own destiny for the future. I think that it would be a great idea to go back, even part time, to school. Maybe the company you work for has tuition reimbursment.

 

The old saying "it's never too old to learn" is true. Getting a degree is beneficial to your future, and you are only 31. Plus you will meet people in your classes, granted that 80-90% will be younger than you, but that doesn't mean you can't create great friendships.

 

On the other hand, you should be thankful that you have a great job, most people don't even have that! And if your goal is to find your husband, I would suggest joining some internet dating sites and even speed dating---and you won't need a degree for that!

 

Seriously though, if you are experiencing depression, you should seek some medical attention, but that should be your last result.

 

Best Wishes.

[stilarock]

thanks but i already have my masters, i got it from my other college ..

i've tried internet dating, its a complete disaster for me..

taking classes is not the answer-its not the same anymore.

[Dako]

People can have a social life outside of college.

I suspect your loneliness isn't permanent unless you make it so.

 

Do you have a life outside your career?

[stilarock]

lately all i have is my career,, the people i was friends with in few years have all dissappeared, have become toxic friends, or have familes now and i never hear from them, even my own family has cut gone away-they were superficial as well.

 

I also have tried hard to make friends, putting myself out there. I have just gotten hurt and rejected by doing that.. I am retreating now. Even with relationships. If a guy says one thing to me which i find insulting, i will never talk to them again.

[Dako]

Well, hobbies, sports, clubs, volunteer work, or other activities are good ways to meet people, make friends and enrich your life.

Sure, that sounds simple, but if you're waiting for life to come to you, you have a long wait ahead.

[stilarock]

well I have really put myself out there with what you mentioned..

make a long story short, everyone i made friends with, who thought were lasting friends became toxic or just dropped off the earth,,

i made friends with someone i met at a party, turned out to be good friends until she started cancelling plans last minute. I explained to her how it hurts me, she continues, the 10th time was enough toxic abuse for me. I didnt return her call and have not heard from her since..

 

The only time i met decent real friends was at the old school... I just want to know how can i get over the depression i have over making the biggest mistake of my life?

[Dako]

You may actually benefit from therapy if you feel the past is all you have.

Depression can be dealt with.

[butterflycloud]

I think that the first thing that you 'need to get over' is the fact that you have made 'mistakes' n your life.

 

I know that on the surface it seems that if you had chosen different things that your life would be easier but let's take a deeper look at things. What Im about to say is based on my own beliefs but it will hopefully help you feel a little better.

 

Everything that has happened to you or not happened to you has happened for a reason. A reason that is perfectly aligned to making you the person that you were meant to be. You see we all chose different challenges in our lives, all with aim of allowing us to grow as spiritual beings. The 'human element' of us views these negative circumstances that we chose as being some sort of 'punishment', something to be despised and frowned upon. But the spiritual side or your soul welcomes these situations because they open up such huge opportunities to grow.

 

I believe that there is a definite reason why we choose these difficult times. You may not realise it right now but in time you will. Do you think you would have grown as much as you have if it were'nt for these 'mistakes' that you made? Dopnt view them as mistakes but rather challenges, that if you put your mind to it, you can overcome.

 

As far as the 'failed' relationships go perhaps you need to analyse the type of people that you attract. Remember that if you feel horrible, that your life is one big mistake, that you are going to eminate a negative energy and attract people to you that have the same negative energy. So try to analyse things and start thinking positivly and even start praising yourself for the good that you do instead of focusing on the negative. Positive thoughts attract more positive and vise versa.

 

Hope this helps!

[Jetta]

You start by being grateful for what you do have. You said you have a "good job". Well that's something. Try making some friends at work, getting involved in some activity (a hobby) and meet people that way. Change your focus from the past to what you can do in the present. You made friends then you can make them now. Just get out and socialize.

[rocio]

Congratulations on getting your masters! I think a time will come when you have a family to provide for, and your lack of social network will seem less important. You will be happy with the career-driven decisions you made.

 

I understand how you feel. I had lots of wonderful friends, a great social life, and just loved my life in general. Then I moved to a different city to do my masters and suddenly my friends seemed so much more important than a stupid degree. Now I've moved to a third city - to take the job I'd always wanted - but again have no friends here. My life is so dull on a day-to-day basis and I pine for my old life. But I am convinced that both you and I made the right decision.

 

Instead of thinking as this of a mistake, just think of it as a choice - a choice with benefits and drawbacks. I believe that things happen for a reason. Sometimes we can't always see that reason, but in the end it will make sense. Don't give up. It takes time to make good new friends. It takes time to weed out the bad ones. Give it more time and follow Dako's advise on meeting new people. Remember, you don't need 20 friends to be happy.. You just need one or two good ones.

[shes2smart]

The problem with focusing on "what could have been" is you're imagining ONLY the scenario that "what could've been" would be better than what is.

 

You don't know that. There is no way to know that. There's an equally likely chance that different decisions could've also led to worse/more challenging results, too.

 

One of my favorite sayings is: "Even the Almighty God cannot change the past."

 

While you're looking backward and choosing to romanticize (in some ways) a past that never was, time keeps marching forward.

 

The point of power is in the present moment. If you don't like the way your life is now, focus on what you can change to make it a place you want to be. The past is not on that list of "things you can change now." It doesn't deserve your time and attention.

 

If you don't know where to start with that process, one thing you can do to give yourself a kick-start is consult with a life coach or counselor. Being in an abusive relationship can mess with your head. Based on that alone, I'd say you could probably benefit from some therapy. I spent the better part of my 30's in therapy and am still reaping the benefits of it to this day.

 

If you're truly ready to make some changes and willing to do what it takes to make your life a place you WANT to be, then you will likely find working with a compatible therapist/life coach a very rewarding experience.

 

I had a great demonstration in my life that "what could've been" isn't always better than what is. Indulge me a moment or two, and maybe you can take something away from this tale of what happened to me over a 5 year period:

 

Summer 92, I answer a personal ad in the paper. I write back and forth with a guy who seems to be everything I want. We meet after exchanging letters for 2 mos. In addition to being mentally attracted to him because of those letters, I am also physically attracted to him as well. After the meeting he says he feels no "chemistry" and dumps me cold.

 

I spend the next (literally) 3 years pining away for him, wondering what I did wrong and what was wrong with me that he didn't feel the way I did. I date a series of losers (like an alcoholic) because on some level, I think I can't do better. I set up Mr. Personal Ad in my head as "the great one who got away."

 

Summer 1995. A new girl starts working at my company. Turns out she's married to Mr. Personal Ad guy. They met about 2 months after he dumped me. I spend (literally) the next 2 years being jealous of her & their life together. Well, at least what I imagine their life together to be. I wonder what it is about her that I don't have. I still see Mr. Personal Ad as the great one who got away....and I still go back and forth with the abusive alcoholic.

 

Winter 1997. Mrs. Personal Ad comes to work looking like hell. She comes to my office to tell me she caught Mr. Personal Ad cheating on her with someone he worked with....and it had been going on for a LONG time. She also learned that cheating was an issue in his previous relationships.

 

In 30 seconds, "the great one who got away" became "Wow...I dodged a bullet on that one." In time I also realized that, in some ways, I had WASTED the better part of 5 years pining away for someone who wasn't worth my time and NEVER was.

 

Since then, no matter what has gone on in my life, I have absolute faith and trust that it's for the best and I am right where I'm supposed to be.

 

Further, I believe that can be the case for everyone else -- if they choose to believe that is so, and choose to keep their focus on creating good in their lives.