Text Messages

[olena]

Hi all,

 

I left my partner of 6 1/2 years because he wanted a break to 'find him self'...

 

I left him on Sunday and on the day that I was leaving we argued, slammed the door and left...

He texed me last nigh telling me that my cat was missing me...I did not reply...then today he send me another text saying that 'it's harder than he thought it would be...'

 

I replied to the second text saying:

'Did you think that it would be easy? Think back and find the reasons that made you doupt us...'

 

Why is he doing this to me...?

 

Olena

[Beec]

The harder than he thought it would be is a good comment. It's him saying that he, not just the cat, misses you. Isn't him missing you good? Shouldn't he be doing that?

[chai714]

Olena,

 

You're doing everything perfect right now. He wanted a break, so you left him. I agree with Beec regarding the cat comment he made to you. Olena, he didn't do this to you, he did it to himself. You leaving him made him lose control of the situation, which is what he thought he had so it made him feel uneasy.

[olena]

Hi guys,

 

thanks for the comments...

 

I called him after I sent the text message and he was out. I asked him what he meant and he said that he meant exactely what the message said...And then I pointed out that he was the one who wanted to break up...He said that we should talk about it at some other point....I am not going to call him or text him...I'll just wait and see what he will do next...

 

If he misses me so much, that it's harder than he thought, then why did he want a break?

 

I am tying really hard to keep quiet, and just wait and see what he will actually do about it...I love him, but I am actually not going to do ANYTHING...his call....

 

Olena

[Beec]

If he misses me so much, that it's harder than he thought, then why did he want a break?

 

Because he simply did not know he would miss you so much and it would be so hard. We don't always know how we are going to feel, until we feel it.

 

I am tying really hard to keep quiet, and just wait and see what he will actually do about it...I love him, but I am actually not going to do ANYTHING...his call....

 

Olena

 

That's pretty good.

 

Only change i might think about is if and when he does contact you, you should think about doing two; acting like the separation does not bother you that much, and giving him a little emotional fulfillment, making him feel good. Then leave him alone again.

[Dilly]

I'm curious why he asked if you could talk about it later.

 

I've been there before too and during the first few days, the departee (one who wishes for departure) feels nervous after the fantasy of giving a go at it alone becomes a reality. They then get nervous, make a few attempts to contact the ex and then, gain reassurance to start their search for something better again. You are feeling doubt and while I agree with Beec, I also feel you are correct to protect your heart. Until he says he wants you back, he is just trying to pad his own insecurities for being alone.

[Beec]

You are feeling doubt and while I agree with Beec, I also feel you are correct to protect your heart. Until he says he wants you back, he is just trying to pad his own insecurities for being alone.

 

While I don't disagree, there is a fine line to walk in order to do both things. Too protective, and he won't want to come back. Most people when protective are not giving. Instead, they are defensive and passive aggressive, both of which do not retract but repel.

[need2bme]

While I don't disagree, there is a fine line to walk in order to do both things. Too protective, and he won't want to come back. Most people when protective are not giving. Instead, they are defensive and passive aggressive, both of which do not retract but repel.

 

True, but at what point do we actually just protect oursleves and figure out that with them not commiting all the time, might be a sign of a larger issue.

 

It is more a rhetorical question, as it is something we have to figure out for ourselves.

[Dilly]

While I don't disagree, there is a fine line to walk in order to do both things. Too protective, and he won't want to come back. Most people when protective are not giving. Instead, they are defensive and passive aggressive, both of which do not retract but repel.

 

I know what you are saying Beec, I really do. When I was in this situation, I gave my partner a transition notice. I said, look, you want to do this to me? Fine. I want a deadline. I want to talk to you, I want to hear from you, I want updates and if you meet someone within the three week period or get romantic in any way, I want to know so I can move on. I gave him a definite endpoint and each day as the time grew closer, I grew stronger, because I was allowing myself to suffer, let him know I didn't like the situation, taht it was destructive, but that I could endure anything for a short time. He called me by day 7, and came down proclaiming he wanted to marry me. Now it was an unstable footing, and we are still together. I'm not happy about what I allowed myself to go through and it did chip away at my confidence. By day 7, with him knowing my feelings fully and completely, I felt I put it all on him. I told him what I wanted and if he let it go for too long, I think he knew I would just realize how stupid I was being for waiting. It was actually a good situation for me as I had all the cards, only having to wait and him having to make the tough decision. If he told me "no, I don't want you back", I would have been prepared...

[Beec]

Well, what seemed to have worked for Dilly as she described is something you could do. What I would do is consider it's all off and begin to move on. If the ex comes back and wants you, then you get to decide. And I might explain that, he has given you a pass to date who you want, and he has to take that risk. (You willhave also given that to him.)

[Dilly]

I would only caution that you give him some time (if you care about him and do want him back) before dating others. I wouldn't reflexively do things that might make him nervous or jealous, unless you are absolutely (and I mean absolutely) being true to yourself and your heart's desire, but love that whisks us away from temporary misery is not something that is usually based on absolute anything, other than fun and whimsical distraction. I would caution you about this, not because you seem like the type to run about and look for play, but because it's a predictable pattern that many fall into to "make their partner's think and realize what they are missing", a form of scorn. Sometimes it works, sometimes it backfires.

[olena]

Hi all,

 

thanks for the messages...

 

We ended up chatting on the phone for an hour on Tuesday...He was asking me for time, and said that he was not afraid of his feelings changing towards me, but that he was scared of my emotions changing...

 

He asked me for time and said again that he would like to be with me in the long run and basically take it easy as it is not a permenant break....

 

I told him that he should call me when he has something different to tell me - when he actually has something to tell me that I have not heard before...He said, okay, lets do it that way then, but promise me that you will take care of your self...that you won't do anything stupid as I love you...

 

I feel very numbed..I still love him but I feel as if time has stopped at the moment...it's a very weird emotion, because I got so used to trying that not trying made my emotions freeze....

I work until very late every evening, since I left my home...I only go back to my friend's place to sleep, and I don't feel like meeting any of my friends...And I don't feel anxious about talking to him right now...it feels like I have detached my self from what used to be my life until a few days ago, but possibly it's a defence mechanism that I am developing to stop me from hurting...I am keeping so busy running around, and I feel so tired, physically and mentally that I just have no energy left by the end of the day...

 

OLena