Lack of zest in a long-term relationship

[gfein347]

Hi everyone, it's been awhile since I've started a thread, but here we go...

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for 16 months, and we're very much in love with each other. Recently, she told me about a dream she had where she was attracted to another guy. She said this dream brought about those feelings of excitement and uncertainty that go along with the beginning of a new relationship. Since her and I have moved past the "honeymoon phase," we've settled into a bit of a routine where we've grown more comfortable with each other. The title really says it all: our relationship, which was once exciting and passionate, now lacks the zest that it used to have.

 

So the question I pose to ENAers is...

 

What do couples do to keep the spark alive in their relationship, and keep themselves from falling into too much of routine?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

one has to approach a relationship as something that needs to be fed to stay alive, where the fire needs to be stoked... even a good fire will burn down to nothing if you don't tend it and add new logs to the fire...

 

so to keep the spark, you need to do special things now and then that keep both of you interested... make sure you have date nights like you did at first, getting out and doing things, making the other person feel desired and special...

 

and there are many books etc. that one can get about keeping the sexual spark alive... and fun toys, clothes, etc. you can order online or through shops... and role play with her... if she says she dreams she meets a stranger, maybe you can meet her somewhere are if you were that stranger, then ask her what things she would like to do she's never done before!

 

this doesn't have to be all the time, but often enough that you don't give in to the doldrums... some couples have once a month special date nights, some once a week where they do special things to try to keep each other surprised and fresh... also, surprize her with things like flowers or dinner out (or in) for no special reason, or whatever she used to like when you were first dating...

[AwdreeHpburn]

Great advice Be Strong!! And great topic GFein!! Serioiusly.

 

I tihnk - as Be Strong said - this is ALL too common.

 

*Take breaks - absense makes the heart grow fonder. My husband us to take business trips all the time but hasn't for a while. I gotta say....I notice the difference.

 

*Be spontaneous. Getting into routines is way too easy - we are after all creatures of habit. So you NEED to break up the routine and shake things up sometimes.

 

*Never stop saying the things you did at first - like how beautiful she is. (for girls how handosme he is etc.) But if you fall out of the habit of saying the nice-etys, it could feel to your SO that you don't think those things anymore. Even if you just say it cos you know it needs to be said.

 

It's one thing to type it, its another to do it yeh?....I KNOW!!

[MissLissa]

Good thread, i could use some of these. i had told my fiancee about how he used to bring me flowerss and leave little cards and candy on my car while i was at work. The little things, i love. I miss the feeling of a new relationship, so i know where your girlfriend is coming from. So i advice to do things like that also. I Loved recieving flowers at work.

[ghost69]

you need to go out together, but not together. let her go out maybe 30 mins to an hour ealier than you. preferably a bar or night club that has a decent amount of people. make sure there are some other guys around so that they can hit on her as if she was single, etc. then approach her as if you never met her. buy her a drink. start up and unusual conversation that you have never had with her. some things like that. different scenarios that you have never had happen. it's kind of a stranger effect. or use some blindfolds and explore each other. yeah, a lot of people lose that newness after so long; but it is the routine and comfortableness with somebody that lets you know you are with someone you can trust and love.

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[Ronbo3g]

Interesting thoughts on this. let me add my 2 Cents please. I have been with my SO for over 10 years now. And I believe it works and stays exciting because we have always acted like we are dating. We own our home together, and she has her career and friends. But we never acted like we are that "Old Married Couple" You need to dress, groom, and act like you are still in the pursuit stage. I have seen so many couples get lazy once they think they are secure in the others love. When that happens it is only a matter of time until it is over. You need to dress the part, do not be the typical American married slob. Keep the weight of, keep looking good and and she will stay interested. The same goes for the woman, she needs to be engaged, no sweet pants or trainers, dress nice around the house, I do not mean fashion queen, but I do mean fashion aware. It is so easy to forget these things and get lazy. Just look in the mirror each day at yourself and what you are wearing and ask yourself, would I date someone that looks the way I do? If not change, and then all day treat the day as special and that you are on a date. its not hard at all to fall into this good habit and you will be surprised at the results.

 

Ron