A big rebound mess

[reasonablegirl]

*deleted***

[terk2021]

All great questions. As for the 1st one, it's not you. He is most likely not over his ex yet. I have been on both sides of this equation. I have been rebound guy over someone I fell in love with. I know she cared about me a lot, but her heart was not healed yet.

 

As for question 2, it's tough to answer. It's very easy to say it's not worth it. Why? Because it sounds like the further you go with it, the more involved you will become, and the more you will care for him, and probably fall in love with him. If you can accept it for what it is, than no one really has the right to tell you not to see him.

 

3. This happens all the time. It is happening to me right now. Great story. Private message me if you want to hear it...

[reasonablegirl]

Thanks for the quick response - I don't think private messaging is enabled on this board though! Can you give a quick summary of your private story? I'd love a quick pick me up.

[Wandering_Sword]

I can only answer question one from personal experience. Hopefully some other forum members can field the other questions.

When my ex left, I had absolute zero romantic interest in other women. Yes, I was physically attracted to them, but I stopped myself from seeing them in that way because I knew that in the long run I was going to hurt myself and more importantly them. I personally was not able to move away from the "notion" of my ex until I made an effort to start moving on my life without her. Now (two months of working on myself) I can comfortably start dating other women (nothing serious though) and start seeing myself being fully engaged in some sort of interaction without thoughts of my ex.

And no it is not you. You have the normal expectations of anyone showing interest in a person. These shenanigans all fall squarely on his shoulders.

[terk2021]

I met an incredible woman in 1999 at a company I worked for. I was only there for about 6 weeks, but we became friends fairly quickly. Of course she had a boyfriend, which became her fiance, her husband, and separated 1 year after. Well, during this time (1999-2004) we were friends off and on because her ex could not stand me. We were close friends, and we stopped hanging out because of it.

 

Well, about 2 months into her separation, she called me to go have dinner. It was all friendship for the first few times we met up. I was there to comfort her. After dinner one night, I kissed her. Instant karma. I wanted to date her from the second I met her in 99. We went out for about 8 months. 3 months in, I realized I was in love with her. I began to tell her that, and never heard it in return. I thought it would happen in time. We always had fun together, took a few trips together, and it just seemed very static. I fell further, she enjoyed being with me.

 

After dinner one night, we went back to my apartment and I told her I had to end it. I loved her so much, and would have much rather put a ring on her finger than ask her to walk away. It was hell for about 6 months. I went through a few rebound relationships myself after that. Nothing that lasted to long, and then I met someone in June of 05 and we got very serious. We got engaged, and were 1 month away from a wedding last year and called it off (that's another story all together). Well, 3 months after all of that, I called her up and we went out as friends (around October last year). We have been dating since November, and are actually leaving for a vacation tomorrow.

 

It's funny how life works. I have someone back in my life that I thought I would never see again. The reality back then was that she had gone through something very painful. I was there for her in so many ways. All has been forgiven, and we are off to a new start. God has his plan. Have trust, have faith, and everything will work itself out...

 

I hope this helps. I wish you the best.

[need2bme]

Maybe you have to have a certain amount of posts to be able to PM.

 

As far as not being over an ex, I think that I actually brought in or transposed some of my feelings from the relationship with the ex to the fling I had where I am now.

 

I was actually told by them both, in one form or another, that I share too much. I think that comes from not being heard in my long term relationship. Added to that, the fact that I had been pining for her and had not really taken the time to move on. I spent most of my time wishing we could be back together.

 

The "fling" spent so much time just doting on me that I was happy to find someone who would do that and not ignore me. Then, she just stopped cold. When she did not want to be around me anymore, it really hit my heart. I was acting the same EXACT way I did and feeling the same EXACT way I did, when losing the long-term ex. That is why I knew that I brought those feeling into the new deal.

 

2. Sure you could rekindle anything. Question is; will you want to? After enough time has passed, you may feel as if there is too much water under the bridge. In my case, I don't think I could forgive her for finding another guy so soon, even though we were apart. I thought we were more than her playing me and thought she should have told me. We made love and now he is already living in my apartment for Crimeny's sake.

 

3. I don't know about this one. What makes the timing right? Again, maybe it is not the timing as much as it is that someone is not strong enough to go one way or the other.

 

Again, I think the most imprtant question is whether or not you can forget that he went to the ex. I don't know if I would ever trust my ex to NOT hurt me again.

 

How can you go an start living with someone, lie about it and make out with your ex and then start living with someone. I couldn't be friends with her now either. She made her bed, so she can lay in it.

[reasonablegirl]

Well, I have to say this is the first time I have posted on this site and terk and wandering_sword, you have made my evening a lot more pleasant. He insisted that his lack of spark with me is due to me and that his feelings for his ex had nothing to do with it. I didn't tell him but I am convinced that he is totally incapable of having a spark with anyone at this point because no one will be the same as his ex. Hearing you guys concure makes me feel a lot better about my theory. Since getting to know this guy, I've been absolutely convinced that he has no clue about what he really feels and is so confused and caught up with his ex that he is unable to fully function emotionally.

 

I think he is a great guy but I know that until he is completely over his ex and is happy being single, I don't stand a chance and I really have no desire to wait around that long because it appears it might be awhile.

 

I guess that brings up another question. When I am to the point that I am over him, if he is still in his emotional abyss, will agreeing to be a friend only preclude any hope that he might see me in a more romantic way? Should I not contact him until he really is over her and ready to be back in the dating game? Sounds like you spent 8 months being a supportive friend terk, and then returned when she was emotionally available and never got boxed into the 'friend' category the second time around.

 

Thanks for the response need2beme, however, in this situation he has not gone back to the ex and I do not believe that will ever happen. Instead, he is still pining for her in an amazingly intense way. He has been very upfront with me about this and I am not angry at him as he has never lied to me or tried to use me in any way, he is just not capable of giving anything to a relationship right now.

[Wandering_Sword]

 

I guess that brings up another question. When I am to the point that I am over him, if he is still in his emotional abyss, will agreeing to be a friend only preclude any hope that he might see me in a more romantic way? Should I not contact him until he really is over her and ready to be back in the dating game? Sounds like you spent 8 months being a supportive friend terk, and then returned when she was emotionally available and never got boxed into the 'friend' category the second time around.

 

 

I think that all depends on the relationship itself. From what I can see, he might be able to turn around to you if he can get the ex off his mind well enough. But beware that he may not or even worse, you both begin a relationship and he starts comparing you to the ex! NC works for some and not for others. It did wonders for me because I could not deal with my ex moving on with her life without me. So I had to do the one thing that I didn't want to do but had to for my sanity and well-being and that was to go full NC. During that time I repaired the damage I had done to myself and started moving on with my own life. I even started seeing a couple of women

Life's not perfect for me, and I would love to have the ex back but I'm not holding my breath. But compared to what I was four months ago I'd say things are a lot better.

For you I see that you have strong feelings for him and no force on this planet can change it save for your own views and decisions. Your position is a tough one but obviously your not oblivious to your predicament or you would not even bother posting your situation here. I can only say from placing myself in your shoes that LC (gentle reminder that you are there, but keep contact to a bare minimal) would be ideal for you. This will give him the chance to sort things out for himself and maybe see you as being there for him during the rough times (of course I could be romanticizing his coming around to you but without hope what are we in life?), at the same time this gives you the chance to re-evaluate whether he is worth your attention (since he cannot commit to you) and maybe to have some fun for yourself and enjoy life without worrying about all of this. Things will work out on their own and if not, we're here for you. Keep smiling

[BeStrongBeHappy]

don't let him use you as the 'bridge' between his own loneliness and waiting it out for his 'real' true love, his ex girlfriend...

 

otherwise he is just using you, and waiting and hoping she will take him back, comparing you UNFAVORABLY to his own ideal and refusal to accept reality...

 

tell him to call you when he is REALLY free, and wants someone he doesn't consider some pale comparison or shadow of his ex...

[terk2021]

I spent 2 months being a supportive friend, and 8 months of dating her. We had a 5 year friendship together before any of that ever started... In your case, I would probably sit down with him, let him know how you feel. Your feelings are strong, and if you continue with him, they will get stronger. He's probably not a bad guy, but you should not have to suffer the consequences of him not being over his ex yet.

 

You should tell him to take the time to heal, and when he is over his ex, to give you a call if he is interested. It sounds a little harsh, but you have to protect yourself from getting hurt. Being the rebound is never really a fun place to be.

 

Good luck. It's time to pack, and leave reality for a week.