holding out on me! (female perspective required)

[WillieMcWillerson]

Today my g/f of 1+ years came over on her lunch break because I was working from home. She works a couple of minutes away and has an hour for lunch. We usually will go out somewhere for lunch but it is my birthday and I just wanted her to come over and eat at my place. She ended up not wanting to eat and instead we had some coffee and started making out. She told me that she didnt have time for sex because she had to be back to work in 45 minutes. I tried to be okay about it but this type of thing has happened too often before... I said nothing about it and we kept making out.

This doesnt make me feel very wanted and gets me all irritated. I called her when she got back to work to talk about how I was feeling and all I got in return was defensive crap and blame placing. I just wanted to talk about it but instead it turned into her defending herself and her body.

She said that she couldnt talk openly about it at work and asked me to call her when she got off. I would like some outside perspective...

[Clementine orange]

Amazing but true fact: Sometimes women don't feel like having sex. Even if it's your birthday. Even if you are all ready to go. They also don't feel they want to, or have to, explain why (especially at work)

Get used it.

Try masturbation or cold showers!

 

Sorry, I'm a guy with a guy's perspective but I think I know what I'm talking 'bout Willis

[elaineska]

If I had to go to work in 45 minutes, I wouldn't want to have sex either. Even if it was my boyfriend's birthday. I would save it for when we have more time to relax and enjoy. Women are wired differently... we're not like light switches! Some days it happens, other days it just won't work.

[WillieMcWillerson]

the confusing part for me is that she is fully aroused and it is obvious that she is hoding back. She also tends to resort to the response "it isnt that I dont want to but..."

[agent1607307371]

She ended up not wanting to eat and instead we had some coffee and started making out. She told me that she didnt have time for sex because she had to be back to work in 45 minutes. I tried to be okay about it but this type of thing has happened too often before... I said nothing about it and we kept making out.

 

Her just not wanting to have sex, or her not wanting to have sex on an hour lunch break. Because I can't say I'd blame her if that's the case. If that's not the case and she doesn't want sex often it could be a variety of things and you should sit down and have a talk with her about it.

 

This doesnt make me feel very wanted and gets me all irritated. I called her when she got back to work to talk about how I was feeling and all I got in return was defensive crap and blame placing. I just wanted to talk about it but instead it turned into her defending herself and her body.

 

She shouldn't have to defend herself and her body. She said she didn't have time for sex, you said ok, and then she has to defend herself and why are you calling her about it when she's at work? Thats not the time to ring her if you want a proper discussion about it.

[Maygikal]

Are you seeing her after work tonight?

 

Perhaps she just wanted to save it for a more special time tonight, when it's not rushed.

[luvursmile]

Amazing but true fact: Sometimes women don't feel like having sex. Even if it's your birthday. Even if you are all ready to go. They also don't feel they want to, or have to, explain why (especially at work)

Get used it.

Try masturbation or cold showers!

 

Sorry, I'm a guy with a guy's perspective but I think I know what I'm talking 'bout Willis

 

Sorry dude...but Im gonna have to agree with Clementine Orange on this.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I wouldn't want to have sex and then go back to work necessarily - I might sometimes, but more often than not I probably wouldn't. I don't like to shag and go.

[WillieMcWillerson]

As far as the defensiveness goes I called to talk in general and she asked me how I felt (we talk for hours when she is at work b/c she is a telephone operator) so I told her that I was angry but that she had just been the trigger. I started by asking if she could just listen while I talked about how I felt for a minute. My minute had everything to do with taking responsibility for the way that I was feeling and literally a minute later she cut in and was trying to fix the issue. This is strange because I was talking about possible reasons based on early life and past relationships as opposed to the present situation. I told her over and over that I wanted to be able to talk it out as opposed to stuffing the emotion down like I usually do. I was not even indirectly blaming her or bringing her actions into the picture it was about what might be making me have this irrational response in the first place. It seemed that she was unable to listen and was reacting personally to me talking about past events. I am a very good listener and have done what I was asking for on countless occasions and I do not understand how this makes any sense.

[WillieMcWillerson]

We are doing things for my birthday tomorrow night. The point is less that I wanted to have sex and more about the way she responded to my verbal process.

[FCTex]

I know it's petty, but my girlfriend does that sometimes too. Or she'll just stop dead in the middle and tell me to do something and start doing all the work..

 

As childish as it is, just return the favor.. There's plenty of times my girlfriend will be getting out of the bath and want to snake into bed next to me, and rub on me and I'll just fall asleep.

 

It's corrected our situation, plus some small conversations.

[treefrogkate]

When you brought it up, did you phrase it in such a way that it didn't sound like you were blaming her? In other words, it can be better to say "I got all hot and bothered by making out with you, and then I felt let down that we couldn't go further" rather than "You made me all hot and bothered, then you wouldn't go further". If you start out in an accusatory way (even unintentionally), it's human nature to get defensive.

 

As far as "holding out" on you, it might have been that she didn't want to have to clean up, or she was worried she might smell bad afterwards (don't laugh, I can be very self-conscious about the way I smell).

 

Happy birthday, BTW.

[WillieMcWillerson]

When I am having issues I practice loving speech as is demonstrated in this e-mail...

 

" Hope I didnt blow your day... please understand that I know why you

make the choices you make. I want to be understanding and I think I do a

good job I simply feel a little down, I just cant help that I want you all

the time. I do not want you to feel like I dont respect your other responsibilities or concerns, I am not the only thing that matters to you, nor would I want you to be in that place. Sometimes it just feels like it is hard for you to go with the flow and just let yourself fall into my arms... this is not a problem because I know first hand that it can be very difficult to let ourselves go.

 

I have seen a remarkable change in our ability to let go over the

course of our relationship and know that it is a process not a destination.

I am still enthralled with you and you are a constant source of amusement,

happiness, laughter and beauty; what you have to offer is enough and I dont

want you to doubt that for a second! I would say that the place where I have

seen the most change in myself through our relationship is the ability to

listen to what you have to say without wanting to fix it or take things the

wrong way. Although I have come a long way I know that there is still quite

a distance between here and where I want to be. I want to make sure that you

know that I am not asking you to change, instead I put my faith in the

process of self discovery (regarding myself). I also know that you are

changing in unimaginably beautiful ways and I do not want to interrupt that.

I loved you soon after we met and as we change I love you more with each

passing day... you are the most beautiful influence in my life and I am

honored to have a front row seat at the Dory show.

 

Sex Ya Later,

Willie McWillerson

 

P.S.~ I really do love chocolate... thanks bunches and bunches! "

 

 

and I tend to get responses like this...

 

 

"No...u did not blow my day....and i hope that i didn't blow ur day either....

I wanted today to be nice for you....i wanted to be sweet for u, kiss you and love you.....but instead....i felt like i just irritated and angered u....i know u weren't blaming me or holding me responsible for how u felt....but at the same time i couldn't help but feel as though the conversation was revolving around how your emotions were somehow stemming from what i was doing, or not doing...or from what i said or didn't say....Instead of exploring possible internal reasons for why you were having certain feelings, i felt like u were looking at the reasons behind why i wasn't able to have sex after i verbally said it was a possibility....I suppose it is hard for me to see how looking at that could help u figure out why you had a specific reaction after not being able to get what u wanted sexually.....

Sometimes it just feels frusturating to hear u tell me that u aren't trying to blame me for your difficulties....when we're only talking about what I'm doing....

I understand that i might have some issues with relaxing if i know that i have other responsibilities....but i feel this awareness of other obligations has allowed me to keep myself in order under very highly stressful conditions. Right now...I do value this sense of control...and i do not see myself doing something in the near future that would cause me to neglect things that i hold to be important....so....for instance i am going to hold off on certain impulses if i feel as though i'm going to risk being late for a job that i need. And i know that u probably don't want this explanation and u probably don't need it.....but for right now i suppose i just wanted u to understand that i don't perceive being able to go with the flow right now as something helpful to me or as something i want to necessarily move toward.....

Other than that i know that we have made quite a bit of progress....I feel like we're able to better understand each other than we were before and i think we're both getting better at expressing ourselves. I'm also rushing through the end of this because i have to leave....but i love u very much as well and i want u to happily celebrate the birth of ur fine self....

so i guess we will talk in a minute"

 

definitely sex u later

love

Dory

 

 

 

 

It just seems a little bit strange to me... isnt it a little weird?

 

I want to make sure that I am understanding but I dont want to be made into some kind of stepford man. Yes dear, sure dear, Im always wrong.

To me it is looking a bit like a pattern... I think that the way I deal with her may be queing her subconscious to exploit this... she has done this in the past with a 5 year relationship...