Newbie, need advice BAD!@ PLEASE HELP!

[JohnHanson123]

First off, I have nowhere else to turn and feel that this is a viable option. I feel that if I don't talk to someone or get this out, I will explode or do something stupid to myself. I am 27, male, and would like to just have someone to talk to about where I am at in my life but at the same time, I cannot afford therapy or anything like that.

 

Ok, well, I guess I will start from the beginning. I met my current fiancee in San Marcos, TX, while I lived there and went to school. At first it seemed fine, but she did certain things that I, now as I look back, can see I should have broken up with her. She "tested" me, so to say, either by text messaging an ex bf, or going out to lunch with a guy when she knew we were exclusive and that guy wanted more than just a friendship. None of this stopped me from seeing her, as I felt that I would rather be with her than be alone.

 

I asked her to marry me in March of 2005, which I am regretting now. So anyways, we moved in together up there, and it seemed everything was fine . When we met, I was in shape (5'11, 190 lbs), and had been working out. Well, I weigh about 260 now and feel like crap. No idea if this has anything to do with the relationship. But anyways, I quit school to get into the workforce, and soon thereafter we moved away from each other due to financial as well as just other problems. She was 20 at the time, I was 25. She moved to Arlington, and I moved back to San Antonio. Well, as I was attending classes there, she got an apt, a job, and turned 21.

 

As soon as all this happened, all hell broke loose. Her co-workers started taking her out, she would go out and not answer her cell, get home at 230-3am, all while I waited by the phone ( I know so stupid). I got more and more depressed, and in January of 2006, she lied to me telling me that she was going to a movie with a friend Lisa. I called her and called her, and she didn't answer. SO I called Lisa and guess what: She wasnt with her. I later found out she was with a guy friend who we have fought about before.

This should have been the end of it, but I am dumb and it wasn't.

 

I thought the only way to fix it was to move back close to her, so I dropped school once again, moved to Arlington, and got an apt. Well guess what? Nothing changed. At first it was great, but soon after, she started going out again, telling me she was going to have "girl's night out" and basically leaving me at home alone. Now, I was in a new city, knew no one, and she was making me feel selfish for wanting to tag along or go with her out drinking. So it started happening again, to the point where I wanted to kill myself. I felt (feel) so alone, as all of my friends are in San Marcos, and the people I have met here are just friends of her girlfriends, and it is hard for men to make new friends. So anyways, things got so bad and we decided to break up. Well, after about a month, we got back together, and she said she wouldn't treat me like she did anymore. Little things happened but, surprisingly, things did get better.

 

It's still hard to trust her, and every time she even brings up the "girls night", I cringe because of what happened in the past. To me, it seems that once she gets a few drinks in her, she is just not herself anymore. She won't listen to me, stops caring or respecting what I say, and basically gets so annoying that sometimes I want to just hit her (not really but you know, just annoying). Well, we recently moved in with each other again and wanted to get a small house, so we found a great one and are splitting the rent. We are due to get married soon, and she's gotten the invites, the dress, etc. But now she's bringing up the girls nights out again. We have gotten in so many fights because I put my foot down and said that there is no way I'm letting her do that to me again, and she says to give her a chance but in my book, she's had one too many chances.

 

On a side note: This past year (2006), I got arrested for some ticket warrants in this new city, I have gone through 4 jobs, my mom decided she was going to stop paying on my vehicle and DIDN'T tell me, so I got it repossessed and lost a good paying job because of it, and basically just had a really bad year. I haven't spoken to my mother because of what she did either. So basically I feel alone and at my wit's end. The new job I have I make 800 every two weeks, and after rent and bills, have about 50-75 to live off of every single check. The job I have is basically a telemarketing job, I prospect clients to recruit and get them to sign contracts, and I feel like I am not cut out for this, as I don't really enjoy cold calling people but I need the money. I am about as low as I have ever been, and I feel like I am making a huge mistake by not just leaving her and starting new. Sometimes I just want to leave in my car, and throw my cell away, and just never come back.

 

Again, I am sorry I am all over the place, I just need some advice on what to do. If you can offer any advice, please do. I need it bad.

[robowarrior]

Bottomline: YOU DONT WANT TO BE WITH A LIAR.

 

You threw your future away for someone who has been only out to destroy your life. Only God knows wether this still can work out on her being serious with you two marrying eachother. Basically this is the price you pay for bringing the devil inside of your home. You need to be like a castle gate, close yourself to bad people/things/events, and open yourself up to good people/things/events, if you let the enemy enter your castle they will only bring it to ruins, leaving you crying over the crumbled stones. From there's only 2 options, keep on crying on trying to rebuild your castle. Now if she is 'serious' about stopping with cheating on you, then heck you might consider giving it a try. However you have to understand that couples are supposed to LOVE eachother and make eachother HAPPY . She's young, wild and wants to have fun in her life. Maby just maby she matured a little bit, and maby just maby you could give her some more space to settle down, even if you don't trust her you could try it it. Most importantly , take your future back, get yourself something to look forward to instead of to be let down off. Secure yourself against all the misery that might come at you, and don't let anyone including her destroy your life.

[Iceman26]

Well, you aren't happy with her, and you aren't happy with yourself either.

 

My advice? Tell her to go have as many damned "girls nights out" that she wants because you are on moving on.

 

Kick her to the curb because you have only gotten a small sampling of what is to come. This behavior will not change with marriage dude.

 

You need to work on yourself and your happiness first. You sound like I did when I came her over two years ago.

[adahy]

Well, if it is any comfort you aren't the only one that's been there.

 

I dated a girl similar to this once. I gave and gave, compromised and compromised, but it was never quite enough...and nothing was ever 'really' appreciated. Yes, she would lie about going out w/ girlfriends, etc. It doesn't feel good and I 'rolled with it' for far too long. Ultimately, I just left and didn't contact her again. It was the only way I could free myself. Looking back, I think I kept staying around because I wanted her to appreciate me, not because I really liked her or the situation. We were just in different places. It was great when I got away from it all!!

 

One thing with your GF - she is still very young. Some of that behavior is expected when turning 21, etc. But, she still hasn't treated you very well from what you say.

 

Personally, I think you've compromised yourself too much. Go back to school if you have to (or whatever) and get yourself back on track first. You're off balance...chasing a girl to new cities, having to guess what she's doing, etc. That's hard livin' for a man. I'd take a step back and "regroup". Forgive your mother...if she's paying for your car in mid to late 20's, just consider the stop-payment 'tough love'. Also, if you aren't financially independent or stable, I probably wouldn't be rushing to get married.

 

All I can say is...if this person doesn't make you happy...nuff said. You might still love her, but you've gotta think about you. Don't let this woman be your ruin...emotionally or otherwise. Get yourself on track first and better days lie ahead for you! Good luck.

[JohnHanson123]

I just feel like I am too far in it to even stand a chance at leaving her. I mean there's times when I feel like WOW she's the one. Then other times, I feel like I need to get away fast.

 

Her friends are single, which lets them do what they want, have sex with whoever, do whatever they care to do. This is what sucks, because when I tell her "Look, I don't want you to go to this bar or that bar," she immediately turns it around and says that I am a controlling A@#$Hole and that she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with a guy like me, who doesn't let her go out and have fun.

How do I rebut that? What is MY argument? She makes it seem like I am the bad one.

[terk2021]

John, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. You are dealing with someone that may just not ready to get married. I went through a very similar situation last year. We bought a house together 3 months prior to our wedding date. It seemed as the date got closer, we got further apart. We canceled the wedding 1 month prior, and stayed together for about another 1.5 months. It just kept going down hill.

 

So many questions go through your head as to how someone that loves you so much does the things they do. She is probably feeling that getting married is going to take her freedom away from her. Are you wrong to ask her those things? I don't think so. As you said, she has a lot of single friends. She may be seeing this as the lifestyle she wants.

 

I assume you are going to get responses to kick her to the curb, or take a break from the relationship, go NC... It's very, very hard to do. I had my fiance move out. I am so very lucky I did not put her name on this house. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done. I thought if I could just stick it out, she would come around. Maybe she would have. We still saw each other off and on through November of last year, but it just came to end.

 

I have been trying to get her back, but I guess as time passes by, I am realizing that my heart was leading me, not my head. You should be with someone who wants to be with you. Be with someone that loves you just as much as you love them.

 

If you still want to be in this relationship, then you really need to sit down with her and have a heart to heart. Let her know how you feel. You are not in the wrong here. She probably feels she is losing some of her freedom... Maybe counseling could help as well. If you brought something like that up, it may give you an indication about how serious she is about wanting to make the relationship work.

 

I feel for you my friend. I am still suffering tremendously over the loss of my fiance and the canceling of my wedding.

 

I wish you the best. Feel free to private message me if you want to talk further. I can't say I am an expert, but your story sounds very familiar to mine...

[JohnHanson123]

 

I wish you the best. Feel free to private message me if you want to talk further. I can't say I am an expert, but your story sounds very familiar to mine...

How do I do this?

[terk2021]

I am not sure if you are set up for it or not. Just keep posting here, and we are all here to help...

[Iceman26]

because when I tell her "Look, I don't want you to go to this bar or that bar," she immediately turns it around and says that I am a controlling A@#$Hole and that she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with a guy like me, who doesn't let her go out and have fun.

How do I rebut that? What is MY argument? She makes it seem like I am the bad one.

 

You don't rebute that. You have no argument. It is her life.

 

However, you need to keep in mind that you have a choice. You don't have to be with someone that chooses to be a barfly. You can be free to work on yourself and be with someone that you WANT to be with, not someone you feel obligated to be with.

 

You just have to have the courage to leave, for your own sake. Finding the courage is easy; think about how badly this girl has treated you in the past. Multiply it by 10 and you will have your future.

 

It won't get better with a ring on her finger.