I dont know what to do...i feel like im going insane!

[trippinmokeys]

I wasnt sure where to post this because im not sure what it would go under. It is a long-distant relationship but my problem isnt a typical one for long distance. I dont know but anyways. It's kinda long but yeah, its hard to explain.

 

I've been in a long distance relationship for abit over 2 years now. Yes i know that long distance relationships are hard because of the distance but yeah. We see each other every couple of months for a few weeks usually. The last time i was there was for over a month so when i came back home it was quite devestating for both of us.

 

On the second night after i had gone back home my girlfriend cheated on me. Which was about a week ago now. Lastnight she told me that she did it and her reason for doing it was because she started panicking because she was completely numb and was afraid of going into her phase again (long story, but basically she had a breakdown which lasted 4 months and couldnt feel anything properly) and she thought that having sex with another guy would make her feel at least something. Which it didnt and she stopped halfway through. She says she feels guilty and after she told me what she had done, she has been there for me as she can be. My problem is how ive reacted to what she did.

 

After i found out i just havent been right. I dont know what to do or what i am doing or anything. I'm taking everything out on everyone. I dont even feel angry. I actually cant feel anything. When i talk to her i feel ok. There are times i snap and i say things, but i love the fact that im talking to her. I think there is something wrong with me. It feels like i've forgiven her because of her reason for doing it or im still in shock or i just dont care that it happened and ive just gotten used to the way my life is now and im scared of changing it and i dont really love her. Its really screwing with my head. It doesnt even seem like it really happened, like its all in my imagination. I never thought that she would ever do that. She didnt seem like that kind of person. My emotions are continuously changing. 80% of the time i feel nothing but at random times i would feel something for 10 seconds then id go back to being numb then later on its a completely different emotion. I have no idea whats going on.

 

I think its that im just in shock but i also feel like its all in my head. I dont know. This is so confusing. Before this came out I knew that i didnt ever want to lose her. I loved the relationship. I loved how things were. Right now i feel like the relationship was how it was before i found out. If ive forgiven her then ill be able to move on easily (which might be kinda bad, im not sure). If im still in shock i have no idea how i will react when i come to terms with what has really happened. If i dont care that she did it, then the relationship most likely doesnt mean anything to me because its a huge thing to me and ill be forced to move on even though i cant imagine us not being together. I also might not realise that i dont care about the relationship because i might still think im in shock.

 

If its shock I dont know if id be able to trust her again. I think i will after time. Its weird how i still completely trust her even though that happened. Which makes me think that i dont really care what she does. Im so confused!

[honeyspur]

What you are feeling are lot of instincts.

Biologically, your mind shuts off the emotion to a large degree to deal with the reaction.

It is wise for you to ask yourself these questions. (Perhaps all of your ideas are possible at the same time?)

 

The idea that resonated the most with me is just dont care that it happened and ive just gotten used to the way my life is now and im scared of changing it and i dont really love her."

 

I'm sure you really love her - just not in the same way or same intensity as before.

Maybe the shock is coming from the realization that no matter how much distance there is, you must still endure the pain of mistakes made in relationships that people who are married/living together do.

Maybe you both resisted living together for deeper reasons than you both thought.

 

Let these instincts continue you on this path. Remain open to these answers and just trust that your biology is protecting you from emotions at this time. Do not get caught up in fear of the unleashing of your emotions in the future - it is not something to fear. It will only be a road to your healing.

[arwen]

Getting over betrayal is very hard. Once the trust is gone, it takes time and equal effort to gain it back. You tell about her 'episodes' which don't sound healthy to me. Is she in counselling for that? Still I don't think that this justifies her behaviour, it's only an explanation. There is no excuse for cheating in my book.

 

I think that being in LDR can actually be a bit of an advantage now. Distance can have one great aspect: clarity. You are more by yourself than people who are in relationships and live near to each other. Use this time apart to reflect and see how things go.

 

You say you don't feel anything yet you take it out on others. If you feel that the latter may affect your friendships, I recommend you to do some sports to get rid of this. Sometimes regular running or boxing can really be a great way to process difficult emotions.

 

Let us know how you're keeping up, ok?

 

Arwen

[trippinmokeys]

It has been 5 days since I found out about what happened and I've discovered a few things along the way and realised some things but I can say I'm feeling alot better. I'm not all freaked out about what I'm feeling. I'm still feeling quite bad but I'm alot better than before and I do know that I love her.

 

One thing I've realised is that its a HUGE deal for me to love someone, especially in this way and this much. I was thinking at work today about how my life was before the relationship and everything. I literally did not care about one thing that happened. I would do whatever I felt like basically (I wasn't one of those really really...I dont know the word...i'll just say angry people) but I didnt realise what my actions were doing to people around me and myself. 2 and a half years ago I was foreign to understanding my own emotions, which I'm guessing contributes to this whole thing because I've never experienced this before. After we started talking seriously (before we got together which was around about 2 and a half years ago) I begun to change and I stopped being an idiot and I've matured. I used to hurt myself all the time (not in the emo way) doing stupid things with my old friends just because we got bored, which now I have back problems and an elbow problem because of what I did. Well my back and elbow just hurt all the time. That was a pointless story but I just thought that it might be a reason I'm freaking out so much.

 

Where I live I would have to say long distance relationships are a huge advantage for me. They are more about connecting and learning about each other (well thats what I think anyway) but the majority of normal relationships I tend to find are more on the physical side. Plus you appreciate the time together alot more than a normal relationship because we can't see each other every day. Where I live is a really sex, drugs and alcohol kinda place and is basically just about parties. Personally I think sex with random people is kinda pointless and I dont see the point of alcohol and drugs. To make you dizzy? Why is that considered amusing? Anyway, I think that a long distance relationship is the only way I will want a relationship while I live here (I think that 98% of chicks here are skanks. I really really dont like that in people, which could also be contributing to why this is getting to me so much). I never thought I could ever fall in love with someone without a face (being before I knew what she looked like), but I was wrong and I couldn't be happier. Well I would be if this whole 'incident' didn't happen, otherwise I couldn't be happier.

 

I also discovered that the story she told me had a few details changed so it didn't sound as bad (I don't know what though), which kinda starts me thinking and makes me start getting paranoid. She doesn't know I know this but I just dont want to confront her about it even though it could be a bad idea not to. I just want to put everything behind me and move on. I know I can't change what happened and I do believe she won't ever do it again (this was the first time I know of and she told me within a week of it happening). If she does do it again though, I'll start questioning this relationship and if I can stay in it. For now I will leave it be and move on. As long as I can become relaxed again in the relationship and I dont feel weird being with her in person, which i'll find out next time we see each other in a few months. She has gone back to school and I dont have too much money atm. We are both quite young.

 

I know I don't want to throw away this relationship. We have been through so much. It's actually quite amazing we've stayed together and I don't want it to end because of something like this. It's not like she did it over a period of time. It was only one night. I think I will trust her again and I doubt it will take too long for that to happen. I am still freaking out about things and it hurts like crazy but at least I have found ways to release some of my frustration and everything instead of taking it out on people without realising or meaning to. For some reason rambling on about global issues helps and I don't get why.

 

And in reply to "You tell about her 'episodes' which don't sound healthy to me. Is she in counselling for that?"

 

No she is not in councelling for it. She subconsciously (I'm not sure how to spell it) does this when she's in pain. She has just accepted it and it's her way of dealing with pain. She lost her mum a few years back and since then it's how she deals with things.

[trippinmokeys]

A further update on my situation.

She left me tonight. Out of nowhere it came and she said that she doesnt want me to leave her life, but it took her about 19 months to finally realise that it was only as a friend and nothing more. I think there is more to the situation then she is saying, but what can I do. It kinda sucks how lastnight everything was completely fine but today it just came out of nowhere. I don't know whether she is just really confused or she is serious. She seems serious though. This has happened a few times before except she always ran away but this time she actually stayed and talked for abit, explaining things and saying sorry alot. I don't know what to do. I know I should move on but I just feel like I won't ever want a relationship again. She was my first serious one. I had others before but I didn't care too much about them. It's just really weird, everything seemed fine then out of nowhere all this happens.