Discovered that my dad looks at sex sites. . . .

[Relationship Coach]

Kanbi,

I'm sure this would be hurtful for your mom to hear as well and I admire your courage in putting her before you. Sooner or later you will decide what is the best way to deal with this. Kanbi is japanese isn't it?

知っているより強い。

 

RC

[Northalius]

I'm not suppose to go on his computer or be in his office, I have my own computer. I'm also the oldest of two. I have a younger sister, so I have no older siblings to help me with this either. The rest of my family live over seas. My mom is a pretty sensitive person. I'm positive that telling her this will only end up hurting her.

 

I don't know, I think this wouldn't bother me so much except that the sites he looks at are apparently "exploited teen" sites and since I myself am a teenage girl, that disturbs me. A lot.

 

If you're not going to tell either of your parents, then you need to tell a counselor about how you feel. You can't let it eat at you like this, it's not good. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[rosie76]

I don't know about people 'needing' porn because their marriage is troubled - it's a different kettle of fish than a marriage relationship, and I mean that with no value judgements attached. Some people are happily married and love porn, some people are unhappily married and hate it - it's not related.

 

I honestly don't know what I'd do if I were you - it's a very tricky situation. I once found a magazine of my dad's and I never mentioned it to him, but I still think of him differently 18 years later. I guess ratting him out to your mom would be the last thing I did, especially if they already argue. Mostly I feel like parents and children most healthily have a don't ask, don't tell attitude to sexual things - unless you've got an exceptionally close relationship, these things are maybe best kept private within the family sphere. That said, depending on your age and your relationship with your folks, I also think it's unfair for you to know about this and feel you have to keep it to yourself. I do know how troubling it can feel.

 

I guess in the end, I felt that I shouldn't have to deal with this stuff while looking through dad's briefcase for a pen. But I was looking through his briefcase. If what you found was on an easily accessed folder on a family computer and you weren't sneaking around maybe you should just leave it open when you know he's going to use the computer or just delete it if he'll know it's gone (was it in a cache or saved to a folder?). Or maybe leave a note or send an email saying that you don't want to get into a discussion but that you'd seen that and it had upset you. Anything so that you don't have to have that conversation with him but you know you will never have this sort of surprise again. If it's really creepy hard-core, maybe talk to a trusted adult - like a counsellor or, if you feel it best, your mom - who could act as intermediary getting the message to your dad that he has to be more discreet. Do you have siblings who might also run accross this stuff?

 

Good luck with this, I'm sorry it happened.

[Kanbi]

Thank you very much for all your concerns. Even though I wish I never found out about this, I'll try my best not to let it eat me up. Of course, I'm still not sure what to do, but before, I was very confused, and now, my mind seems to be clearing up a bit. Everybody's thoughts really helped me on this. At first, I was reluctant of posting this up because I was afraid (I'm not sure of what), but now, I'm glad I did. Thanks a lot to everyone.

[hardcharger]

i can't believe what I'm reading. I don't like the stuff about teen porn but for a grown, married man to look at pornography is 100% normal, 100% Normal, 100% normal!!! I do and so do my intimate 40ish male friends. It sounds like most of the messages here are from younger folks who don't realize that a mans sex drive doesn't stop, even though frequently for various reasons, sex decreases in a marriage with time. Frequently that is the fault of the woman not being interested for one reason or another. The man needs an outlet and pornography is a simple facilitator of that outlet. The sad truth is that I would not be surprised to find that studies show that >50% of men in their 40's masturbate regularly. That is just how it is. Accept it. Don't worry about it. Nothing needs to be fixed. Kiddie porn is a big no no and there is a problem and it is illegal for a reason because their are child victims.

 

But discovering your fathers pornography "stash", This is one of the secrets you are uncovering of life, that's all! Like the secret of your 65 years old parents giving each other oral sex, sounds disgusting, but is normal. (we can all hope! for it)

[Bethany]

I absolutey agree.

 

I'm a woman and look at porn and have teenage children, does that make ME a teenage predator? That's just crazy, of course not!

 

I'm sure that your father would be absolutely HORRIFIED if he knew you had found out that he uses porn sometimes.

 

I remember once finding porn mags under my parents mattress and I was shocked and embarrassed but I understood why it was there and forgot all about it, it was none of my business..

 

Please put this to the back of your mind, I'm sure that like me, that when he clicks off the site, he most certainly does and gets on with his life.

 

I don't think he deserves to be humilated him for having personal needs.

[Northalius]

Normal doesn't mean good. Big difference.

 

If you're looking at porn while married, or in a bf/gf relationship, it's proof there's something wrong with your relationship, and it'd be better settled with counseling! Not emotionally cheating on your partner by getting off on watching other people strip and/or have sex.

 

To put it bluntly, in my opinion: If you can't stop, you're just not mature enough to be in a 1 on 1 relationship.

[Bethany]

If you're looking at porn while married, or in a bf/gf relationship, it's proof there's something wrong with your relationship, and it'd be better settled with counseling! Not emotionally cheating on your partner by getting off on watching other people strip and/or have sex.

 

To put it bluntly, in my opinion: If you can't stop, you're just not mature enough to be in a 1 on 1 relationship.

 

I'm sure this has been covered many times on here but in my opinion, watching porn is a sexual stimuli not emotionally cheating. If that WERE the case, watching porn with a partner would be seen as an 'emotional threesome' which quite clearly it is not.

 

There is also a difference between wanting to stop but can't which is obviously a problem, and not wanting to stop as they see nothing wrong with it.

[hardcharger]

>If you're looking at porn while married, or in a bf/gf relationship, it's proof there's something wrong with your relationship

 

that is one of the silliest things i've ever heard!! I remember finding my dads stash many years ago. totally typical, totally normal, like dancing or having a beer now and then. What do you want? Sexually frustrated men harassing their women/wives all the time? The unfortunate fact is that our women/wives are not always at our beck and call, and what they "think" might be some warped, selfish desire is simply an act of nature that we can not stop! That is how the creator made it.

[Kanbi]

I'm sorry, but then is it normal for a father to look at teen porn when he has a teenage daughter? If you were in my shoes, wouldn't this have bothered you? Not to mention, I'm only fourteen right now. This is a bit much to discover.

[hardcharger]

I do not like the "teen" part!! The only question mark here, is this truly underage porn, then that could be a problem for dad.

 

But I think it is best you forget about it, do your best to keep it private. It probably doesn't mean much, unless there are other signs that worry you.

[Aleadragonhawk]

I agree that you should have a talk with the school counselor. A lot of your discomfort doesn't just seem to be coming from the fact that you found your father's stash of pornography - it's the focus of the pornography that you're expressing a lot of concern about, and I think that's natural. Feeling like you don't want to bring friends over because they might fit the profile of his viewing material is also a natural reaction, but like other people have said, you shouldn't have to feel that way. Talking with the counselor can not only give you a third-party view on your situation, it might also help you find ways to open up an avenue of discussion with your mother or father about what you saw.

[Cometcrater]

I'm sorry, but then is it normal for a father to look at teen porn when he has a teenage daughter? If you were in my shoes, wouldn't this have bothered you? Not to mention, I'm only fourteen right now. This is a bit much to discover.

 

 

i know what ur going through. I've caught my dad looking at porn. Not teenage porn, but porn none the less. I am only 13. I will be walking down the hallway and happen to look into the computer room and my dad will be sitting there looking at some blonde lady without anything on. i then knock on the door and he quickly minimizes it and pretends hes playing spider solitare. he then erases the history on AOL wen i cant wait there anymore.

 

one day my dad grounded me because i wouldnt let him look at my myspace emails and my real emails. as i was arguing with my mom, i broke down and told her...

it didnt do much, i dont think my mom confronted him that night, i tried to listen into their conversation and i didnt hear anything..

 

 

but the point of this story is that there is almost nothing u can do about it.

 

srry u gotta go through

[Cometcrater]

Right now, I just feel like going over to his office and deleting all those sites from my dad's computer right here and now.

 

hell, thats wat i did! maybe if u delete them then he'll realize some1 in the house nos and he should stop...

 

it didnt work on my dad though...

[Kanbi]

Thanks, it's good to hear something from somebody who's been through a similar situation to mine. I guess I should delete them. Sure, it sounds childish, but I know I'm not going to talk to my mom about it and I'm certainly not going to confront him about it.

[Cometcrater]

i would be like afraid of my dad to confront him! sure he'djust deny it, but it mite get out of hand and just get me in trouble