Married and Confused

[notsosure11]

I don't even know where to start. I have been married for 9 years. I always considered myself straight. Over the last 2 years I've been having these strong feelings for my best friend of 4 years. I think I'm in love with her. I have tried to ignore these feelings but I just can't anymore. I'm so confused about how I feel. My marriage is not that great. We have drifted apart for some time now. Not only am I married but she is married too.

 

I don't know what to do. I wish I didn't have these feelings. I get depressed quite often. I just wish I could tell her how I feel. But I'm afraid I will loose to much.

 

I would never cheat on my husband. I don't believe in doing that and could never do that to him. I hate myself for feeling this way.

 

Any suggestions?? Thanks for listening.

[willow2900]

Are you having these feelings of love due to the lack of feelings in your own marriage?

Are you confusing the comfort of your friend with the lack of comfort and closeness with your husband?

I think you need to really examine your true feelings of your own marriage and whether you have looked for that love and support elsewhere. Friends are awesome, and maybe it is a romantic love between you and her, but you need to be honest with your true feelings and see whether or not you are clouded. It's tough, but I think you need to figure that out. At first glance from what you wrote it looks to me like you are happy to find support and love from your friend and may be mistaking it for more that it is. But I am not you and don't know all the details. Only YOU can truly be honest and true with yourself.

 

Don't hate yourself, try and see if you can work through this; no matter what the outcome. Life is challenging, in so SO many ways. This is a major trial for you I am sure, but try to do some inner examination.

[caro33]

I don't know what to do. I wish I didn't have these feelings. I get depressed quite often. I just wish I could tell her how I feel. But I'm afraid I will loose to much.

 

I am interested in your gut feel on how your friend would react. Do you think there is any chance she might feel the same way? Is there sexual chemistry there?

 

I think it's also worth unpicking your issues with your sexuality from your love from your friend. Or is there a chicken and egg thing there maybe - would you ever want to be with a woman other than her, or are you thinking you are gay because of your feelings for her and only her?

 

Do you actually want to have sex with her, in all its gory detail? Or are we talking something else? I don't mean to sound base, but if I was you I would look very closely at whether I was considering a soft-focus fantasy or a reality. You may well have done this, so excuse me if I am stating the obvious.

[notsosure11]

Thanks for the advice. I have thought about why i feel this way. Maybe because my marriage is not great. But, i have alot of close friends who are there for me, so why her??

 

I don't know how she would react caro33. There were times where I thought maybe she feels the same a little....but then i think its my mind playing tricks on me.

 

As far as sex goes, I would not stop it but I would not start it either. That is if I was single. Lets just say, I have thought about it.

 

 

 

thanks for listening. It feels good to talk about it.

[notsosure11]

Has anyone else here thought they were straight all these years and all of sudden had feelings for the same sex?? Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this?? I just feel I don't know who I am anymore and i'm scared of these feelings.

[Lost1n7heDark]

Well, I can't say I'm experienced and I won't act as if I know everything, since I am still rather young.

 

But I have realized half a year ago that I suddenly was attracted to a member of the same sex. I always thought I was straight. I never really thought about being anything other than that.

 

Mostly you have to ask yourself if you can see yourself having a true relationship with the same sex. Emotional? Physical? Mental? Can you see it happening? Think carefully before you decide to say or do anything.

 

With your husband, see if maybe it's just lack of communication or something of the sort. If you two love each other, I'm sure it won't be too hard to feel motivated to figure things out.

 

But good luck with everything and keep us posted!

[notsosure11]

I just feel very alone. I have nobody to talk to about this. Not even my friends.

 

I just wish I didn't have these feelings. My feelings just keep getting stronger and that scares me. I hate the fact that she makes or breaks my day depending on the conversation or if I even talk to her.

 

I can't answer if I would feel this way if my marriage was better. I'm not sure. I feel so gulity feeling this way. I'm just so scared that I'm falling in love with her. I need to get these feelings out of my head because I know this relationship will never happen. I asked her to go out this weekend. I know if she tells me she can't go, I will get very depressed. I just wish I could tell her how I feel.

 

I don't know what to do?

I appreciate the advice.

Thanks.

[shellshocked]

Hey notsosure...and welcome to ena!

 

I can understand how you would feel alone

and confused with all these new things that

you're feeling.

 

I'm not sure where you live, but in or around the bigger

metropolitan areas there are usually alot of confidential support groups

for women who have been (or are) married to men and may be

contemplating or are in relationships with women.

 

Check online (or if your city has a local GLBT newspaper) and you

should be able to find plenty of information.

 

Probably a good place to start looking would be here:

 

link removed

 

and here:

 

link removed

 

and look for one of the local chapters closest to where you live.

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[guesswho]

I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but I was married and fell in love with my best friend. At one time we were both married but aren now divorced and together. Of course that is a short uncomplicated version, but I wanted you to know I know how you feel.

 

Her divorce was before there was anything between us, but mine was definitely affected by my feelings for her....although my marriage was not good before I even knew her.

 

I won't bore you with all the details, but I do know that it's scary and confusing. Unlike you, I had been with a woman for a while in my early 20's but had written it off as an experimental phase....until it surfaced again. Who knows, maybe I just buried the feelings because they are scary and I didn't want to face them.

 

Do you have any children? If so, that makes it even scarier because you don't want to upset them. I have an 11 year old and my partner has a 9 year old, but we aren't actually out and open about it because frankly we don't have the guts and would like to have as little affect as possible on our kids. We live in a town of about 20,000, so I'm sure some people suspect because we are together a lot, but we don't live together or anything like that.

 

Anyway, I wanted you to know you're not alone and someone has been where you are. This is probably a good time to be honest with yourself even if the answers are scary. The first question is if your marriage can work regardless of this situation. In the meantime you'll have to examine your feelings for your friend or woman as a whole.

 

I'll keep an eye out to see if you post anymore. I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you, but I think you know the answers will have to come from inside you.

[notsosure11]

Guesswho thank you so much for sharing your story.

 

Its nice to hear from someone who has gone through the same thing.

 

I do have children and so does she.

 

Was your friend ever involved with a women before she got married as well??

 

My friend is straight but sometimes she says things that makes me wonder.

 

I'm glad your with the person you love now and everything worked out for you.

 

Sometimes I wish I can tell her how I feel but I'm to scared and probably never will.

[guesswho]

No, my partner had never been involved with a woman before me. My advice as far as your friend would be to wait it out. Maybe touch her innocently when possible, flirt a little, watch her reaction to anything involving lesbians, etc. It's kind of funny because my partner used to react very negatively to gays together in a movie or whatever, and I never said anything. Then as we became closer I noticed her reactions changed to silence.

 

Also as we became closer and closer emotionally we started to touch more.....hugs, neck massages. But you're right in thinking it's risky to come right out with it. I'd say the detective method is better. Watch for clues, reactions, etc. If you push or come right out with it you could lose her entirely.

 

How is her marriage? Does she share things with you? Are you emotionally supportive of her? Be patient and work on becoming closer. But as far as your marriage, I don't really know what to tell you about that. Ask yourself if you'd be happy with him if she was completely out of the picture.

 

Hang in there and keep me posted.