If he's so perfect, why can't I commit?

[Imperceptible]

I've been dating a man for a few months. He's honest, caring, handsome, respectful, and nice. He's everything I could ever want in a man. We started dating several months after my ex and I broke up. I'm over my ex and I truly don't care about him anymore. My ex hurt me and I'm scared to open my heart to anyone else no matter how great the person is. I'm always testing my current guy. He's starting to get tired of convincing me how much he cares about me. But I care about him so much and I don't want to lose him and both of our friends tell me I'm going to hurt him if I continue with this behavior. Is it wise for me to keep this wall up around my heart? Can you make yourself not fall in love with someone? What should I do?

[zerohalo]

I learned the hard way that keeping up that wall around your heart does no one any good. The whole point of a relationship is to open yourself up to someone even though that may mean you could get hurt. It's a risk, but nothing good came from playing it safe.

[Imperceptible]

I can't help wondering if he's playing a game or putting up a facade because no one can be that great. He keeps asking me how I feel about our relationship and I can't answer the question. I'm scared that once I tell him how much I care he will pull the rug from under my feet and leave me in pain. I want to get rid of the wall but I don't know how to do it because I missed telling him so many times when we talked about things and if I bring it up again he'll get frustrated because he'll think the conversation will end in the same way.

[zerohalo]

I doubt he'll be frustrated if you actually tell him though.

 

I know, telling someone how you feel can be really hard, but sometimes you just have to swallow your fear and do it. The worst thing that can happen is you find out it really was a pretense on his part, and guess what? That's not a bad thing, it means you found him out and you can move on. The best thing that can happen? You and he finally click.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

1. therapy might help you.

2. Consider it a matter of honesty and non-game-playing. Try writing about this, and I'm serious, writing helps: what is the worst thing that will happen immediately if you tell him honestly how you feel?

 

No one is perfect and it's only been a few months. Telling him how you feel won't change anything except your level of unease. Good luck.

[caro33]

I have had the same problem, and I'm not sure I have resolved it 100%. However, I have been over what I hope are the worst hurdles, and think that I managed to scrape through the challenges that these emotions bring.

 

Let's assume what you say is true and that you are indeed over your ex. That's good. But being over your ex and being a little scarred from that experience are different things, which I think some people don't understand. You seem to get that though.

 

The only way of thinking that got me through some of the challenges was to say "okay, what's the alternative".

 

So there I am, freaking out completely about Mr Perfect loving me so much, and my scared brain is assuming all sorts of things, like he must just be in love with being in love, he's just infatuated, he's not over his ex, & he'll realise I'm not the one for him the minute I let go and relax into the relationship. My scared brain says "well FINE, you are better off alone anyway -you are better off alone like you were before. It may have been lonely, but at least you were in control".

 

So the obvious thing to do is break up then, yes? But the thing that I made myself realise is that I could not undo what had happened to date, it wasn't an option to choose him or the life before him that seemed safer. It was actually a choice of:

 

(a) choose him and take the risk, versus

(b) be the person who chose to walk away from Mr Perfect and go to sleep alone every night knowing that the chances are I would never meet anyone better for me and I had CHOSEN loneliness and missing what I could have had with him.

 

Basically I couldn't countenance option (b). I couldn't imagine looking at the man I loved and saying "err, no, sorry, I want to be alone instead" and then living with the consequences. And so, given that was my only real alternative, it made option (a) look a lot more bearable. It was on these grounds that I slowly released my control in small increments, to the point where we got married last October.

 

I can't lie, I still suffer the insecurity and I wait for him to fall out of love with me and take off like the only other man I had a real, long term relationship with. But I have learned to live with this, and I have also learned to keep these thoughts as far from my interactions with him as I can. Doesn't always work. But you know, if they love you, and if you do try, they will give you the time you need and they will still be there. Be kind to yourself if you can, and do everything in your power to be kind to him. It does start to set in.

[valiantv]

Is it wise for me to keep this wall up around my heart?

Nope

 

Can you make yourself not fall in love with someone?

I'm sure you can, but why would you want to? If you ever want to be in a relationship again you'll have to take the risk.

 

"When they've given you their all, some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall" - Pink Floyd.

 

(don't know why I quoted that, it seemed partially appropriate at least)

[Momene]

2 possibilities:

 

1. You're a commitmentphobe and may need help to resolve it

 

2. He's not as perfect as you think and something deep in your instinct is telling you that. As often as not, these instincts turn out to be right

[Imperceptible]

Your thoughts are exactly like my own thoughts! I've been releasing my control a little bit but I get so scared everytime I release a little bit more. What if I lose too much control and he takes off and leaves me hurt? I've taken your advice and I'm giving him more of a chance. I would hate to miss out on the chance that he really is wonderful and then risk the chance of someone else coming along and snatching him up. I don't want to be lonely forever. That's not the alternative I want.

[Imperceptible]

2 possibilities:

 

1. You're a commitmentphobe and may need help to resolve it

 

2. He's not as perfect as you think and something deep in your instinct is telling you that. As often as not, these instincts turn out to be right

 

 

I desperately wanted to be committed to my ex but he didn't feel the same way. I thought he felt like I felt about the relationship when we talked about our relationship and based on his actions. I was terribly wrong. I don't want to be wrong about this assumption and then be hurt again! My instincts told me to stay away from this man but I thought he was irresistible. I wish I followed my instincts instead of ignoring them

 

I don't feel these same instincts with my new guy. I feel like I should be giving him a chance but it's hard for me to do that because I'm worried he's going to mistreat me when I least expect it.

[caro33]

Your thoughts are exactly like my own thoughts! I've been releasing my control a little bit but I get so scared everytime I release a little bit more. What if I lose too much control and he takes off and leaves me hurt? I've taken your advice and I'm giving him more of a chance. I would hate to miss out on the chance that he really is wonderful and then risk the chance of someone else coming along and snatching him up. I don't want to be lonely forever. That's not the alternative I want.

 

I am so glad that you are giving him a chance. Please do. If you are able to relate to what I am saying I felt, then please, do whatever you can to let go, to trust that he's good for you.

 

Every guy I have loved, or had a crush on, who I have dated since I started dating, has turned out to be not that into me. They have always been all super keen, and when I have finally released some control and started to believe it, they lost interest. My other real long-term relationship left me shattered, when after 10 YEARS I started to believe he was for real and had truly committed, and THEN he took off "because he didn't feel like a relationship after all". Note he had asked me to marry him 18 months earlier.

 

Anyway, all this stuff leaves scars, doesn't it. It means I fundamentally don't believe anyone will really love me. That they'll see me for what I am and decide I am boring, or whatever it was that they decided. I am sometimes afraid my husband is like this too, but the thing is, he behaves completely differently to the past ones. Much as my insecurity would like to believe he will take off, intellectually I see he's different. It's part of what truly makes him Mr Perfect (For Me).

 

I look at how he loves me, I look at all the little things he does that no one else did. The things he notices about me. The way he puts me first, and the way he talks about me to others. And he married me, so there has to be some feelings there, right?

 

I almost cut this relationship off several times, and I freaked out more than I can tell you. But in the end, like I said in my previous post, I decided I couldn't live with being the person who killed off the perfect relationship because of fear. So the other option was to be vulnerable and give it a chance. I don't regret it. Even if he left me in however many years, I honestly don't think I would regret going with it now. You only have one life n'all, why not enjoy the time you have, right now?

 

Hang in there Imperceptible, if he seems great he may well be. They DO exist you know, you (and I) just hadn't met one before maybe.

[Skippy]

ok.. for whatever reason you are having that wall around yourself just throw it away.

here are something you should already know form your past experiences.

 

1: love doesnt come without risk. The risk is sometimes it might work OR not work.

2: you are a survivor and you will not die from trying to be in a loving relationship.

3: there is no loss in being in love or having been in love.

4: Remember, whilst in a relationship you had the best times and you had the worst times, both of which are not bad things, it is an experience that enriches your life.

5: life and relationship are not meant to be prefect and thus you cannot expect it not to go wrong. If you want to be correct and you dont ever want to be hurt then you wil lose in the long run. Remember, you will not die from new experiences, you will only get stronger.

 

The only reason that you should not be in a relationship is if the guy doesnt respect you and abuses you. Other then that, if love is there on both sides, there is nothing to be afriad of.

Go for it.

[Imperceptible]

Thanks Skippy. I finally took down the wall and I'm terrified, happy, and hopeful. My experience with my ex has made me stronger and more skeptical of guys intentions. but my boyfriend is making me less skeptical of all guys. I still get scared but now I'm trying not to deny or push aside my feelings for him .