Why won't this man listen to the words I'm saying?

[JulieW]

I'm friends with a man that is purely platonic for me. As it turns out lately, it is not platonic for him. He recently told me that he's been crushing on me for a while.

 

I made it crystal clear that I wasn't interested in any sort of physical relationship with him. He has still tried to kiss me several times, hug me in inappropriate ways (from behind and leaning into my body, etc). He even interrogated me about another male friend of mine who kissed me on the head when I was saying goodbye to him.

 

"Is there something going on between you two? He sure seemed chummy for someone who doesn't want to date?!?!"

 

I've now had to sit him down and tell him that we can't be alone together anymore as he doesn't seem to be taking my boundaries seriously.

 

We can still be friends but if it continues, our friendship will have to end. He cried and started telling me how he always screws things up blah, blah

 

Why didn't this guy listen to what I said in the first place? He knows that I dont' play games. He knows that when I say something, there is no underlying meaning. Is he just hoping to "chip away the walls" or something??

 

Men, opinions please

[Day_Walker]

He is not listening because he does not want to let go and he has hope that he can change your mind over time. You offer him no real consequences so he isnt going to lose anything by doing what he is doing, since shame is not something he cares about.

[BellaDonna]

From what you described, I think it's best to distance yourself from this person. He sounds a little bit impulsive and emotionally unstable.

 

A friend of mine was stalekd by one of her male friends, and his behavior was very similar to this guy's.

 

"Is there something going on between you two? He sure seemed chummy for someone who doesn't want to date?!?!"

 

 

That statement seems pushy and possessive. It does not sound like a healthy friendship.

 

BellaDonna

[Lady Bugg]

WOW Julie.....this could get ugly. I agree with Bella...distance is needed here. It sounds as if you have been totally upfront with him and he's still not respecting your wishes......NOT good ..and potentially very bad.

 

Good luck though...

[Ash]

I'm with BellaDonna on this. He'll likely keep trying to get closer, and he may start to get more and more upset when he can't. There's a likelihood he'll try to intervene when somebody else comes along too as he already shows signs of doing. The part about crying indicates he's apparently having some deep emotionals about this regardless of whether it's being returned.

 

If he can't remain friends on terms that suit both of you then it's best to put some distance between the two of you.

[JulieW]

Yeah, when I told him that if his behaviour continued, we couldn't be friends anymore, he just broke down.

 

These next three weeks for me are so booked that any free time I have, are going to be spent alone, relaxing and doing fun grown up stuff like laundry.

 

He congratulated me on getting a callback for a movie last week (audition in two weeks) and said he wanted to take me out to celebrate.

 

I said "No thanks. I need to take care of myself and rest so that I can prepare for the audition. It's important that I'm on top of my game."

 

His response was, "Well, you're home by yourself anyways. Why don't we watch some videos or something?"

 

That's when I had to lay the smackdown on him because he obviously WASN'T LISTENING.

[Siriana]

I think you need to remove him from your life, meaning if he calls you out say you're busy and avoid calling him. And if he doesn't get it (which is probably going to be the case - tell him how you don't think your friendship is appropriate anymore)

 

He's being is pushy, aggressive and not respectfull toward you and than crying as a perfect way of manipulating!

To me it looks too that he's not emotionally stabile person.

 

I had similar thing once, this guy tried to kiss me, hug me...etc, called me often and I was really clear how I don't want to do anything with him. I felt as i was stalked.

His behaviour is not healthy. I think you need to ditch him as friend, because this even wasn't a friendship after all.

[JulieW]

I'm thinking that these next few weeks are going to be very telling as to what's going to have to happen.

 

We met at my night job and I see him tomorrow. We'll see how he decides to behave.

 

I know what my plan is.

[Clementine orange]

Men are taught at an early age to never give up. Keep trying and trying and trying until you succeed. The more effort you put into acheiving something, the more you have to continue to do so to make all your past efforts not be wasted. Never accept "no" for an answer, to fail in your goal is the worst kind of failure. Hearing "no" just means try harder. Never give up your dreams etc etc, you know what I mean? Does any of this sound familiar?

This is in our bones from way back when we lived in trees.

 

Now this works really well in business and in war but with people? Not so much. I've seen this over and over and over.

 

Naturally being a real man (and human) means knowing when to give up, however ....

 

My advice: keep walking backwards (away from him) and don't give him an inch or any reason to hope

[Ash]

Men are taught at an early age to never give up. Keep trying and trying and trying until you succeed. The more effort you put into acheiving something, the more you have to continue to do so to make all your past efforts not be wasted. Never accept "no" for an answer, to fail in your goal is the worst kind of failure. Hearing "no" just means try harder. Never give up your dreams etc etc, you know what I mean? Does any of this sound familiar?

This is in our bones from way back when we lived in trees.

 

Granted, it's mostly true. However, intelligence teaches us that we should try different tactics to get where we want to be. Banging our heads against a tree won't move the tree no matter how persistent we are. It requires a change in thinking and a change in tactics. Now, when a guy comes up and keeps banging away on the same thing in the same way, it's not saying a whole lot for either intelligence in the first place.

 

No, I don't really think you can blame this one on evolution. I think this one is an obsession in the making. If this guy was smart, he'd back off and do things differently.

[JulieW]

Except for the fact that I don't want him to change tactics.

 

I don't want any tactics. I really don't like this guy that way.

 

For all of you who are very sweetly warning me of a possible danger, I thank you. Don't worry, I've recognised the signs from the beginning.

 

That's why we're already at the point so quickly of not being able to be friends anymore.

[JulieW]

Just thought I'd update on the situation. I saw him twice this weekend because we work together at my night job. Friday he was fine, Saturday his behaviour was slightly aggressive. Not physically mind you, just his demeanor and the way he was speaking to me.

 

Again he asked when we'd get to hang out and I reminded him that until early February, my free time is devoted to preparing for my show and the callback for the movie. I also reminded him that if I get the part I won't be back in town until the middle of February.

 

Tense eye-roll was the response I got.

 

Oh brother...

[Ash]

Thanks for the update. Sounds like you have things fairly well in hand. Hopefully the message is starting to sink in.

 

I suspect the eye-roll on his part means he thinks there's little chance of movie part. I hope he's proven wrong. Best of luck with that by the way! Either way, you could always let it be known to him that you have made "new friends" in the process of auditions etc. That might help keep him at arms length.

[BellaDonna]

Tense eye-roll was the response I got.

 

Oh well. Tough luck for him- but he'll have to take the hint sooner or later. I don't think you even owe him explanations or information about your schedule and plans. "Things are really busy" should suffice.

 

I'm not saying that you should be insensitive- but when people become pushy and rude you must stop them in their tracks. Sometimes a clear message is needed.

 

BellaDonna

[JulieW]

Eh, the tense eye-roll was just kind of pathetic really.

 

My, how very 14-year-old girl of you.