Am I over-reacting??

[GQstatus]

Long story short. Was with my current gf for a year. Were living together, broke up last July/Aug, because we disagreed on where to move. (amongst a few other things). I moved away (5 hours), went into limited contact. She was always the one contacting me (she more ended the relationship than I did). She'd call every other day, with a million questions, about if I"m dating anyone, who Im hanging out with etc etc. Would tell me she still loved me, all the hoopla.

 

Come to find out late Oct, she had been seeing someone (continued telling me she wasnt seeing anyone). I found out accidently (her 10 yr old sister slipped up on the phone). She immediately contacted me, tried to justify things, I simply told her good luck, and have a nice life. For the next 2 weeks I didn't hear a word from her.

 

At work one day I get a call, from her, completely distraught, crying, and trying to muster words out through her tears. Her grandfather had passed away a few months before this (only father figure in her life), and the new "bf" turned out to be the I knew he was. She asked if it was still too late to come vist "I can't stop thinking about you, about us, I really want to see you". Reluctanely I agree. She visits for the weekend, we have a good time. She explains she'd never felt so strong before about someone, got scared, and wanted to forget about me. Yea, alright, whatever you say.

 

She goes home, dumps the new guy, and starts calling me 3-4 times a day like usual, we SLOWLY start back up.

 

Which brings us to now. We've been officially back together since xmas. I ended up moving back to my homestate, 1,500 miles apart. She came to visit over the holidays, we had a FANTASTIC time for 7 days. Before this we didn't really know what was going to happen with "us". I planned on staying here, she planned on going to college in another state about 10 hours from here. The night before she left, she told me she wanted to move here, and be with me. That she can go to school here, and she's positive this is what she wants. So that's where we stand now.

 

Thing is, we've always had a "different" relationship. We'll bicker over the STUPIDEST things, yell, cuss, argue, then apologize and be fine. This was more so our "old" relationship. Things up until tonight have been GOOD, no fighting at all.

 

Lastnight- she didn't call at all, which is weird for her, because we talk everything. My phone was messed up all day/part of the night, so I got her call earlier in the day sayin she was going to hang out with a friend, girl, who had lost her grandmother a few days ago. 2 3 4 am rolls around, still haven't heard from her. Wake up this morning, still no call, I call her she answers and I ask in a nice tone why she didnt call lastnight.

 

She explains she fell asleep at her friends, and didnt wake up til 6am. I said that's fine, but why couldnt you of called me from there lastnight to let me know. This started an all day screaming match. She FREAKS out, and the convo goes something like this.

 

Her: IM SORRY I DIDNT KNOW I HAD TO CHECK IN!!!

Me: You don't have to "check in" you just never NOT call me

Her: Like I said, I didnt know I had to check in daddy!

Me: Taking 2 minutes to call me and let me know I wont hear from you tonight, isn't checking in

Her: I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THIS ..BLEEP!

Me: Why are you getting so upset?

Her: CUZ I DIDNT KNOW I WOULD FALL ASLEEP!!!

Her: Im gonna go cuz you're pissing me off!!!

 

So the convo goes on like t his for another 5 mins, I let her go. I go out, come home around 8.

 

I call her and she acts like everything is FINE. I ask her what was up with her freaking out over stupid things earlier, she says "Why do you gotta start all over again". I'm calm the whole time, make a couple jokes about it and say "If you just stopped lying about stupid things, I wouldnt have to ask ?'s" SHE FReAAAAAAAAAAAAAKS out again. This time cussing every word in the book, telling me to just "Shut the up" totally freaking out. Convo goes like this.

 

Her: Seriously you're pissing me off, and Im gonna go

Me: Why cant we just talk about it, get it over with, and move on

Her: THERES NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT!!! GRRR BARK ROOF

Me: I havent talked to you all damn day, and now you wanna go?

Her: Alright seriously im gonna go, you can either let me go, or i'll hang up and we can argue about it tomorrow

Me: Why are you so immature

Her: Alright im going love you bye...click

 

By this point, my blood is pumping, Im sitting there with the phone in my hand readying myself to call her, tell her Im not putting up with this bs, and Im DONE! Wouldn't you know, the phone rings 10 mins later, and she's fine. Tells me her emotions are just all over the place today, and shes sorry she took it out on me.

 

? Are you kidding me.

 

Am I over-reacting or do I have a reason to be a little upset?

[honeyspur]

Well, remember every conflict takes two people. Sounds like your girl likes to fight. However, it sounds like you do too.

Not because fighting is fun, but because it's a way to say something without being vulnerable.

 

My guess is she is going through a grieving process and maybe feels like you don't understand (even though you do). There is not much you can do about this.

When people lose someone, they often begin to believe they are going to lose everyone else and start putting up walls and hostility to protect themselves.

This may seem odd - but it's most likely what is going on. On some level they want you to put up with their attitude because it proves to them that you'll accept them even at their worst. (Which is something you'll have to do anyway if you want it to last.)

 

My feeling is, you should realize you contributed to the fight and do some forgiving of both you and her. The only way to avoid fights, is to simply not engage in them. When she flips out, you let her get off the phone - not convince her to stay on. Then deal with the anxiety you feel.

 

The real issue may be you aren't taking these cues to give her space because you're worried that will end the relationship.

It is a gamble - but a gamble everyone takes in love. You know there are two sides to every story - even this one.

 

 

 

Finally, it is totally reasonable for her to skip a day calling, instead of staying with her routine. Allowing these irregularities to happen will give her the room she needs and give you the practice you need to not hear from her and not be anxious.

 

Good luck GQ - I enjoy your posts - you are very articulate and aware.

[GQstatus]

Thanks for the advice honey, and the kind words you said about me =]

 

As far as seeing her at her first, believe me I have. And it wasn't pretty. Me and this girl have been through complete hell together. Not just at eachothers throats, but we've both had a hard upbringing(mine a lot better than hers) and we feed off eachother.

 

I understand she needs her space. I understand every woman needs space at some point. 9 out of 10 times I won't fight it, I'll let her go, let her clear her mind and wait for her to come to me. But when she blows up, and starts throwing cuss words my way, I feel the tension just building inside me. Yet, I don't blow up back, I take a deep breath and continue to talk to her calmly.

 

She has anger issues, and after we "made up" tonight we were laughing and joking around and I said "seriously, you need extensive anger managment help" she was laughing KNOWING ITS TRUE. She's a hot head, and I usually am too, but I realized early on in our relationship we can't both be hot heads at the same time. So I'm constantly taking the butt end of our arguments and sucking it up like a champ.

 

She's good at communicating when it comes to us, what she wants, how she feels etc. But when it comes to arguments, she's impossible. She HATES admitting when she's wrong. She is still young, only 19, but she's been through more than most 40 yr olds have in her short life.

 

She's a beautiful person, inside and out. And by far my best friend. I just wish she'd quit being so damn stubborn, and say sorry once in a while. I apologized for egging it on more than I should of, she apologizes in her own way, justifying things. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

 

All the stress of her move here is taking a toll on both of us. I just wish I knew a way to make things a little easier on both ends.

[JimmerJammer]

Reading this sounds a bit like the current girl I was hanging out with. The thing is that this sort of thing happens for me and I begin doubting my relationship with her. Wondering if this is her way of trying to push me away (show I don't care) and I sit there thinking that maybe I'm in denial or just really naive. This definitely has been an eye-opener for me and its obvious that caring how they react to you builds tension.

 

Heck I know I had been tempted several times to get upset and walk away. Then something tells me not to and when she tells me similar things, it really means that she might feel you're trying to control her and don't respect her enough.

 

To put it more simply, I began asking myself last night WHY I needed her to pick up or be there or call me back and all that when really in the end it was ONLY to make me FEEL better about it. Like oh see she MUST care cuz she called back. Yet I thought about the reverse and wondered if I was being a child who NEEDED her to call me so I can feel better about it. I mean did I really absolutely need her to call me or say sorry because I couldn't trust her? Don't I trust her enough that its no big deal?

 

I feel that's why she blew up on you and was calling you daddy for checking up on her and asking her why she didn't call or why she doesn't say sorry. She hopes you don't NEED to hear that stuff so that you'll love her and feel fine being with her because it really doesn't prove love anyways. Expression does, not the exchange of words and feelings. Understand now?