guy backed off: what is he thinking?

[longhaircats]

I posted this a while ago, but another issue with the same guy came up, so here is the story.

 

I went on 5 dates with this guy. I wasn't attracted to him first, but we had a lot in common, and I liked him as a person/friend, so gave it a try. He is 36 years old, divorced and was very nice and kind. He put a move on me on the 4th date, and we become intimate on 5th. That night he told me that he wants to take it slow, because him and his ex-girlfriend of 6 mo moved too fast and she ended up getting back to her ex-boyfriend, and he got hurt.

 

Then I went on 3 weeks holiday. During the first week, we exchanged email every day, but I didn't hear from him over the Xmas I guess because he went back to his hometown. Then right before the New Year, he told me he wants to come to visit DC. I was not sure if he came to see me or just wanted to visit the city since he has never been there. Anyway, he came in town and I showed him around the city, and we had a great time. It was romantic and fun.

 

He stayed a bit longer in the city with his friend, and called me when he got back in London. We were supposed to see each other the next day, but I didn't hear from him, so I text him in the evening asking if he is still up for meeting up. Then he text me back saying that he got a sore throat and wants to go to sleep that night. I said fine and get well soon. I sent him text twice and called that night and next day, but I didn't hear back from him. I got a bit worried and called on the next day. He picked up the phone and our conversation was normal. I mentioned that I was a bit worried since he didn't return my calls, and he laughted and told me he has been sick. I asked him what is up to that night (Friday) and he said he was thinking to go to a gym, but if I am interested in meeting up for drinks afterwards. I told him that it might not be a good idea to drink if he is sick and suggested to get together on the weekend so that I can cook for him. he said "that would be very nice " He said he would call after work but he never did. I left a voice message asking to call me back. No response. That was last Friday. Next day I got an offline message "are you there?" but I didn't reply. So today (Monday), I sent him an ims asking some irrelevant stuff about computer issues I've been having (he is an IT specialist). He was online, but no response. Then his status became "feeling sick when I was away from compture for a while.

 

What a hell is he thinking? He's backed off because he got scared? I have no hard feelings if he is not into me, but I just got so confused. I still like him and would like to stay friends if we don't work out. Was it because I showed more interests in him after the trip? Was it because we were moving too fast? Was it because I came out of a long-term relationship fairly recently and he is afraid of me getting back to my ex? Funny thing is that it was HIM who wanted to come to DC and he told me he had a great time. He is acting soooo weird. Guys, any ideas? What shall I do? Move on?

[real2]

Relationships are such a * * * * *. They like you, but they dont show it. You love them, but you dont want to seem needy. They slowly lose interest, but they dont want to go into a dryspell.

 

In this case, I would assume he is being legitimately sick, so just relax for a bit. I personally lose social motivation when im sick. But then again, if this lack of communication persists, then it will mean something bad.

[longhaircats]

Hi, thanks for your reply. Phone calls and sending text take only 2 mins. I wonder if you are sick, you really don't have time for that?

[longhaircats]

And if you are sick, do you consider going to a gym?

[blender]

first thing is try NOT to take anything he is doing personally, instead set a standard/value for YOURSELF, and just know that if a guy is not intentionally making a respectful clear effort to make YOU a priority in his life, then he's not "boyfriend" material, and hardly even "good friend" material. And that is by YOUR standards.. not his.. YOU are worthy of only putting your precious heart and energy towards a guy who is actively showing a definte interest.. his wishy-washy texting, or ims, whatever.. he's "sick".. so okay, he's sick, and YOU make a lovely kind offer to cook for him and he does NOT follow through even with the decency/consideration to make an effort to call and say something like, "It was so nice of you to offer to cook for me, thank you, but I'm just not up for it right now, can I have a raincheck?"

 

For right now, make sure you are clear in your own heart and mind about what standards/values you admire in yourself and make sure you expect the same from someone whom you choose to put so much thought and energy into.. it's okay if he doesn't return these same values/class/respect, that is just a clear sign of HIS own shallowness...

 

but it's NOT okay for you to spend another ounce of your precious heart or energy making an "effort' to try to talk to him, or contact him about anything, computer problems, wanting to be friends, whatever.. what "good classy respectful qualities" has he shown recently that make you want to have him in your life on any level?

[Batya33]

It sounds like the typical thing that happens early on after only a few dates - there can be a lot of interest up front and then it wanes. The fact that you slept with him early on doesn't really change anything other than perhaps it would have been nice for him to be a little more up front about not wanting to see you again rather than the slow fade.

[longhaircats]

Blender, you are so right. I don't want a friend who doesn't respect me or my time. My time is valuable. He has been a gentleman, and that what I liked about him. I thought he was different from other guys. Seems like he has changed completery. After all, I don't know much about him.

 

Batya33, that's what I was wishing too. It is sad that I thought he was someone I can trust and be friend with, but I guess he's not.

[real2]

I would go to a gym to build muscle to impress others, girls in particular. So yea, goin to the gym might be sketchy.

[Northalius]

Be straight forward and honest with him.

 

Ask him what he's looking for relationship wise.

 

Ask him if you seemed to be coming on too strong, and for you to maybe back off a bit because of past situations.

 

Ask him if he's honestly still interested in seeing you anymore; if not, it's totally "okay", and that you understand.

 

It's so important to not leave things a mystery!

 

I know, it takes two to tango. He seems to not be in the "good communication" department at the moment.

 

But, being honest and openly communicating your feelings about a situation can be contagious, and'll probably make the other feel more comfortable about opening up to you in return.

[longhaircats]

When we were in DC, he told me that he was interested in finding a job there. He also told me that he could come to visit me every other weekend if I move back there.......

 

I thought those commets were too serious. We've only known for only a month and half!! This is why I thought he was really into me.....weired.

[longhaircats]

Northalius, do you think I should contact him then? emailing him?

[longhaircats]

How about saying something like this?

 

You are acting soooo weired. I thought you are someone I could trust and build at least a friendship with, but I guess I miss judged you. Have a nice life!

[blender]

I lovingly suggest that you have the self respect to NOT initiate any contact with him. He knows how to contact you. I would not think YOU would feel good after sending an email or text that defines him or his behavior as "weird" or to say things like "I misjudged you" or "have a nice life". Take the mature, self respecting route and be accepting of the fact that right now this guy is not showing a respectful effort to include you in his life.. and let go, and do NOT contact initiate contact with him.

 

Sending a text like: "You are acting soooo weired. I thought you are someone I could trust and build at least a friendship with, but I guess I miss judged you. Have a nice life!"

 

What is it about saying this to him that will make YOU feel better?

 

IF you feel you "want to or have to" even say anything to him, then why not express YOUR truth in a kind loving way, and then let go.. and see what he does, if anything, and if not, then you can feel good about yourself and your classy honest self respecting approach to state your feelings in a kind, non confrontational way..

 

the fact that he has treated the relationship recently in a not so respectful way, would only make a self respecting woman be clear on where she stands...

 

so maybe saying something more self empowering like:

 

I was disappointed when you didn't follow through respectfully after we made plans for me to cook for you, even if it was you calling just to let me know that you were no longer up for it. I have discovered we may not share the same values regarding intimate relationships, so please do not contact me again, unless it is because you are intentionally wanting to try in a considerate and respectful effort to get to know each other. I'm sure you understand my feelings regarding this, and I wish you happiness. (your name)

[longhaircats]

Hi Blender,

 

I know what you mean. I was just upset because I was really becoming to like him and see myself to be with him in a long term. But I have too much pride to let him know. I feel urge to find out what is really happening to him, but at the same time I am scared....

 

My friends told me that I should just simply stop contacting him and let him chase me. However, I don't really know if I want a relashionship with someone who act like this. Is it normal? Is it worth trying? Shall I just forget about him? I really like him, but it seems like I don't have a good judgement in guys these days.

[blender]

okay, breathe, let's just say that you've "attached" some hopes and dreams to this guy.. and that's normal, you were intimate with him, seemingly building "something"... but when a guy choose his kind of behavior, well then it's time for you to step back, and realize that if a guy is not making an intentional respectful loving effort to be in YOUR life, then there is NO self respecting reason to contact him.. none.

 

I know you really like him, or who you "hoped and thought he could be".. but stay focused more on who he is "revealing" himself to be.. and take some time to let go, and do NOT contact him. He knows how to find you, and call you, or email you.. so rest assure that YOU are worthy of not only a man whom you "really are starting to "like and want a relationship with" but who also respectfully returns this emotion through his own choices and behavior.

 

Take care of you right now, cry, feel sad, but do NOT react to these feelings by reaching out to him.. Let him come to you, that is the ONLY way you will clearly know where he stands and what his intentions are. And if he does not contact you, then you clearly know that he's not willing, or interested in anything "real".. no matter how "right" it seemed, some guys like the "chase" the "newness" more then anything "real".. the realness usually makes them have to "look at themselves" and if they don't like what they see, he "runs" away from "himself" and starts another pursuit until that get's too "real" and then they run again..

 

do not take it personally, you're a great girl, and make a promise to yourself for today that you will no longer repeat the bad habit of putting your precious thoughts and energy, hopes and dreams into any man who is not intentionally doing the same towards you...

 

Let go, no contact, just breathe, and be proud of yourself for taking the time to reflect on all this and at having the self respect to have NOT sent that email, and to just "write it out here" and think it all through... this is a sign of your own maturity and self worth.. good for you, keep it up, no contact right now.. none... okay?

[longhaircats]

Blender,

 

Thank you so much. You are so right. I am attached to him, but am not in love with him, so it shouldn't be so difficult for me to set back. I will not contact him at all. I just deleted his phone number from my cell

 

Thanks a lot and I'll keep you updated!

 

love,

 

longhaircats

[blender]

Good for you, give it time and for right now take care of you.. that is the most attractive thing for you to do...and the most healing... no anger, just understand that HE'S not "ready"... and YOU are worthy of a guy who is willing to make the effort to have your precious heart and energy in his life... no contact, no "attaching" dreams and hopes to him, those are yours, they are still very much possible and alive, just re-attach them to YOURSELF and YOUR FUTURE..

[afonselaca]

Take care of you right now, cry, feel sad, but do NOT react to these feelings by reaching out to him.. Let him come to you, that is the ONLY way you will clearly know where he stands and what his intentions are. And if he does not contact you, then you clearly know that he's not willing, or interested in anything "real".. no matter how "right" it seemed, some guys like the "chase" the "newness" more then anything "real".. the realness usually makes them have to "look at themselves" and if they don't like what they see, he "runs" away from "himself" and starts another pursuit until that get's too "real" and then they run again..

 

Bravo! Well said.

 

I wish someone would have said that to me two or three months ago.