Is it really ok to go to gay clubs without your boyfriend?

[sunshinecoast]

Hi,

 

I am throwing this out there because I am a little confused on the matter. I trust my boyfriend - though he has done somethings which have erroded that trust - I am still in this relationship (it is a long distance) because I do love him and I generally give him the benefit of the doubt when I don't understand something.

 

Anyway, he has been going to gay clubs with either friends or his ex boyfriend quite a bit. To him it is natural but to me it is hurtful because I have always regarded these places as pick-up joints and places to cruise for sex.

 

I know you can have a great time dancing and having fun with friends but that can be had at straight clubs too. I have been to a gay club once while being in this relationship (it is almost a year old) and in that one night someone tried to pick me up and someone else tried to kiss me. So, the experiences I have had don't lend me to thinking it is all innocent.

 

The point of my post is that I don't want my boyfriend to think I don't trust him by prohibiting him from going to these places because he hasn't given sufficient reason for me to have lost my trust in him. I have doubted at times that he is bring truthful but I could never know for sure so I have put my doubts aside and relegated it to having had occurred owing to my own paranoia.

 

I would just like some opinions on the matter because it doesn't seem to marry up: going to gay clubs and living the single life while too: conducting a relationship and while your boyfriend is so far away and oblivious to what's going on. The other problem is he never tells me he is going. It always comes up later in conversation that he has been. I think I would be more at ease with it if he let me know first.

 

Instinctively I am not really happy about it and I have told him this many times. I feel like a relationship is about compromise. Ultimately he can hurt me greatly as can I him and it is because of this that I do not do things that will upset him. So why does he do it to me when he knows how I feel about the issue? In any event is it really such a loss by opting NOT to go to a gay club? Granted; they may seem full of meat - but they're really just full of bones.

[sunshinecoast]

..I need to add the other dimension to my unease in situations like this is that my boyfriend has a highly promiscuous history with little to no inhibition. It is a great challenge for me to overcome this consideration of his character which he says is over but which I still have to process and which I can't seem to shake easily.

[kadvati79]

Granted; they may seem full of meat - but they're really just full of bones.

I love that! Nice!

 

In any event is it really such a loss by opting NOT to go to a gay club?

 

Wherever you get a collection of gay men, there is going to be people hitting on each other, and so on. Many gay men define themselves by their sexuality, so it's just something that happens. While lots of hitting does go on at Gay clubs, it doesn't mean that people necessarily act on it. Sometimes its actually nice to get the attention as well.

 

Because clubs are not a priority for you, you cannot see the reasons why someone would go other than too pickup and have sex. Mind you, I find going to the Motorbike Grand Prix for days and days fun and my boyfriend finds it a complete bore and only tags along to checkout the cute boys.

 

Many gay men feel more comfortable in gay bars rather than straight bars, so its not necessarily just about it being a meat market.

 

..I need to add the other dimension to my unease in situations like this is that my boyfriend has a highly promiscuous history with little to no inhibition. It is a great challenge for me to overcome this consideration of his character which he says is over but which I still have to process and which I can't seem to shake easily.

 

I have a terrible history myself. In fact, I make a point of telling the people that I date because by keeping totally honest I find I don't have problems. It is something that you can shed instantly when you love someone. I find that I get clastraphobic in a relationship very quickly, and going out with my friends without my boyfriend is something I need to do every now and then. I don't drink really at all these days, so I only go to dance and talk to new people.

 

By being promiscuous and lacking inhibitions in the past he may well have personally realised the futility of it all. Sometimes this can be a powerful motivator to remain in a monogomous and loving relationship, as you know first hand that the "grass really isn't greener". Having said that, anything is possible, without knowing specifics it would be very hard to make an assessment of what his behaviour represents.