Relationship Great - Sex isnt.....

[magictorch1976]

Hello everyone.

 

Hope all are ok. I was hoping I might be able to gain some advice as I am not sure how to go about sorting this out.

 

I split with my ex boyfriend several months ago after a long period of psychological abuse. We had been together for 5.5 years and during this time, my self confidence and esteem went through the floor. He made me endure hangups about my body and my own mental state and I am, to be honest, extremely glad to be free of what was complete torture.

 

I have since met someone else. He is lovely, treats me how I believe someone in a relationship should treat another person and I think I do believe in love at first sight because he is everything I ever wanted and more.

 

Now here is the problem. When I was with my ex, the only way I could enjoy sex was to have wild fantasies about anyone and everything except being with him there and then. Now, I have major problems with my sex life because I cannot seem to get out of that mind set. The foreplay part is fine and I am raring to go but when we actually start doing proper sexual stuff, my mind switches over to my ex. Not being with him in that situation but either thinking about him and how he hurt me or being unable to gain any sexual feeling for my new partner. Then, the more I try and shut it out, the more prominent it becomes in my mind and I stop feeling anything sexual at all. It's really starting to become an issue and although my boyfriend is great about it, I get upset because I think I am never going to be able to have sex without thinking about my ex and what happened to me. I know it sounds crazy but I have a powerful mind and it's starting to ruin my enjoyment of sex totally because I cant seem to let myself go.

 

My boyfriend says and does all the right things - my self esteem has gotton so much better but sexually, I feel a failure........please can anyone suggest a way forward ?

 

Thank you in advance.

 

Cheers.

 

J

[zerohalo]

Have you tried talking to your new boyfriend about this? I think part of your problem here is you're keeping these feelings bottled up. If he is as understanding and loving as you say, I think the two of you could work through it. Go really slow with this, you obviously want to be with him and he with you. It could be that you just need to back off of sex and go to just fooling around and foreplay for a while to continue building those feelings of intimacy and desire.

[anggrace]

I dont think it is rare for this to happen. I recently broke up with my guy and although I think it was the right thing, I cant even begin to think of myself with someone else. The weird thing is, we had a pretty non-existant sex life. I think it is just going to take time.

[magictorch1976]

Hi

 

Thanks for the advice. I havent yet spoken to him about it although I know he would probably understand. Maybe I should go down that avenue because I dont want to ruin what we have.

 

I just dont understand how my mind can be so annoying LOL ! He's perfect in every way and I should just be able to forget the past and concentrate on the future with him but each time, it's like a small explosion in my head - it all comes rushing back !!

 

J.