What the heaven is wrong with me?

[naiveme]

Hi there,

 

sorry this may just turn into a ramble but i do not know what to do, i just feel emotionally sick, and been in the same situation before.

 

I am a guy in my mid 20s and am looking to make friends with girls first and foremost and if anything further develops then all the better. But can't get to that final stage without making the friends though. At present the only friends I have are online friends.

 

Now about six months ago I started email dialogue with someone in the same area as me. I am a bit shy and never spoke to her in person but through email we chatted, then we agreed to go for a walk together. Now the walk was fine if a bit nervous like. But it is the bit afterwards that is the problem. I had strange feelings and wanted to meet her again. So kind of sent a few emails and that, and basically said I liked her and would like to know her better. Basically all this fell on deaf ears and I was torn up inside (I could not work out why I turned like this but I did ... I know it is not normal). So basically I blew everything when in reality all I wanted was a chance to become friends but my emails just scared her off and she would not listen or speak to me. Don't blame her.

 

 

Fast forward to now. Met this girl earlier this week for first time. She found my details on online dating site and we chatted online and texted and as I say met earlier this week. Now I can feel me having these samish feelings as before (thankfully no emails sent!!!) But I would like to go about asking her to meet again or see what she thinks of me. Is it all wrong to ask at this stage what she thinks of me. Is it too soon to think about asking her to meet me again. Don't want to appear desperate to make friends. God I am useless at these things. It really cuts me up not knowing where I stand - struggle eating and sleeping. And all that after just meeting a girl once.

 

Sorry for boring you but one confused guy here!! Can't even make friends without tearing himself up and thinking far too much.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Hi NM,

 

I think some of us (me especially) tend to think too far ahead about things. With the first girl you wrote about, you probably did scare her off, but I think it's okay: you learned that it's probably better to take things slow. The thing is not to beat yourself up about making a small small teeny mistake (which thats all it was). There are so many girls out there, so freaking out over one, is like thinking you're going bald when you find a single strand of hair in the shower.

 

You just met this new girl; I say take things slow. When I was on a dating site, I learned that the time it takes for someone to be okay with meetting in person really depends on the person. I'd wait a while longer. Not like 6 months, but at least a month or two. But you never know, she might suggest meeting up with you.

 

Make sense?

[naiveme]

Hi, thanks for the reply. We have already met. We met for a drink earlier this week and chatted for a good couple of hours and I felt really comfortable with her like she could be a good friend but the thing I struggle with is that I don't know what she thought of me. For all I know she may think I am an * * * *! Sent a few light texts to her asking her if she was not to disturbed by me, and that she seems a nice girl. What I really wanted from these texts was one back just giving a clue as to whether she thought she might like to meet again or if she did not find me too bad company. But the texts she sent back did not tell me this. I guess looking at it I am looking for some kind of acceptance. Silly I know but I have never made friends with anyone for ages, and don't know how it really works!!!

 

And yes you are right I must learn from mistakes! The girl in question is now hooked up with another guy that is totally different in make-up to me and I kind of think that if she likes him then I maybe me and her would never have had anything in common anyway.

[LostInMyThoughts]

NM, sorry I misread your post.

 

Typically if a person is interested in meeting up again, they give some sign. However I don't think all is lost. If you have her number, give her a call, chat it up a little bit, then say something to the effect of "I really enjoyed meeting up with you for drinks, would you like to meet for (insert something) this (insert some day/time)?" If she says yes, you've got a pretty good shot. If not, well it sucks, but the world aint over till you say it is.

 

As for being friends, if she's on a dating site, chances are she doesn't want to meet new friends, and chances are you don't either. I wouldn't worry about trying to convert her into being a friend.

 

It's too early for her to have a real worthwhile opinion of you.

 

And maybe next time when you go out, when you're wrapping the evening up, try saying something like "I had a lot of fun, we should do this again." If she's somewhat into you, she'll respond postively, and you'll feel much better about setting up the next date. If she's not into you, she'll probably have enuff class to let you down gently. Take the hint, thank her for the good evening, feel good that you've done more than most men out there, and call it a win.

[naiveme]

Well, I have given her the option to get in touch if she wants to meet up again but did not give a time or anything, but she kind of said that would be good but kind of in a jokey/not too serious way. It was not a definite yes lets meet again. I did not ask her outright if she wanted to meet up though.

 

She is also new to the area if that makes any difference, and that is part of the reason I thought she may be on the dating site as it is a way of meeting people.

 

Do you think it would not be worth pursuing a friendship only then? If she does meet me again is it wise to ask straight out if she likes me?

[LostInMyThoughts]

If she meets up with you again, it shows that she at least sees the potential of liking you. Obviously she doesn't DISLIKE you, but it may be too early to tell. Let her actions define if she likes you. Don't out right ask her, that would be weird. At least at this stage.

 

Another unsolicited tip: be direct. Don't leave it up to her, or anyone else for that matter, to get in touch with you to hang out. Instead tell her you would like to meet up, give her time and date, etc. That way all she has to do is say yes or no.

 

Dating is a hard way to meet new people. There is so much pressure involved, that it seems (to me anyway) like more work than is really necessary just to meet people to end up as friends.

[trjarstjornur]

But I would like to go about asking her to meet again or see what she thinks of me. Is it all wrong to ask at this stage what she thinks of me.

Maybe it's not exactly wrong to ask her what she thinks of you, but it's a bit iffy. I don't think it'll make her like you anymore, and she might even like you less for asking that sort of question, especially this early. This kind of question is a very revealing question - reveals the asker's insecurities and such. Now, showing a softer, weaker, insecure side when there's already a very strong connection is just fine. But showing it after such a short time (you met her a week ago, right?), that sounds a bit like "too much, too soon"-kind of thing.

 

Ideally, you shouldn't even have to ask this question - just see the answer for yourself from the way she acts towards you. So if, for example, you want to know if she'd like to meet you again, I think it better to just ask, using a single text message "Hey, wanna meet again, say next Sunday?" rather than sending a number of messages, asking "So, you weren't too disturbed by me?" (and, honestly, it would frighten my hair white if a girl would send me a message like that after our first meeting) and telling her she seems nice. It's much more direct, simpler, and you'll just as easily get your answer.

[naiveme]

ok yeah i am useless in reading things. Well read far too much into single comments and tear myself up going in circles.

 

It is kind of difficult to explain but the text and chat before meeting has kind of been light and not too serious. More like joking around, hence the disturbed text. I did not think it was too odd based on the context. Can I read anything into the fact that she is still replying and sending text messages?

 

Ok I offered to show her to show her around my area this weekend and she was to get in touch if she was free. She seemed keen-ish to do this (new to area and all that) so I guess will see if she gets in touch.

 

If not is it too soon to ask to meet up again next week?

[LostInMyThoughts]

If not is it too soon to ask to meet up again next week?

 

I don't think it's too soon. In fact I would call her today, and say "Would you like a little tour of (...) this saturday?" Assuming you're free.

 

Why leave it up to her to call?

[naiveme]

Ok update on the situation. She came for the tour on the Sunday and it was fine, even had lunch at my folks house. We seemed to get on ok.

 

But I have done it again!!!!!!!!!! On Monday (the day after the tour I texted her to see if she wanted to meet up some night this week) She texted back saying what days would I be staying in her town. I said Monday, poss Tues and Wed. She text back saying she had no fixed plans as such and what did I have in mind. So I text back saying a coffee or a drink, or she could come around and watch a film. Next text back from her says she has stuff to do that she has been putting off for days.

 

My reaction ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH Done it again. I should never have suggested watching film. God only knows what she thinks of me.

 

So I sent a text back saying sorry text may be misunderstood and should never have suggested meeting so soon and that it was just because I was in the area at the time for a few nights thought it would be a good opportunity.

 

She did text back saying she really did have stuff to do washing etc (which certainly makes sense) and it was ok and maybe meet some other night.

 

Is this situation irretrievable can I do anything to repair the damage? I have not sent her any text back yet. Not sure at all what to do