Confused Messages - What do you make of this exhange?

[littlebylittle]

I'll keep this short and sweet.

 

Had been seeing the ex for around 15 months with a 3 week break-up last July. I've been quite a mess since we split up for the second time (mid December) and have only in the last week or so started getting my life back in order and actually enjoying myself (on the rare occasions I'm not depressed).

 

I work with my ex, in fact she sits 20 feet from me, so it has been a God send to have been away from work whilst trying to get my self-esteem back. However, now that I'm back at work I've plummeted somewhat - but I was expecting that.

 

Last week whilst I was at home I received a couple of emails from her out of the blue, just asking how things were. I responded with a short, but polite "fine thanks" style message.

 

Yesterday she started chatting to me at work, once again, I was polite but tried to keep it impersonal and short. Although it did feel like the hard work of NC of the last two weeks was wasted.

 

Now this is the part I'm asking for advice / an opinion on.

 

Last night, completely out of the blue (although I guess prompted by the earlier chat) I got a message that said something along the lines of:

 

Ex: "Hey, not sure why I'm sending this but I'm a bit down and not feeling great. how are you doing?"

Me: "Sorry to hear that, what's up?"

Ex: "Just feeling a bit down and have think I also have a bit of a virus, sorry to have bothered you, its weird trying to just be friends but I wish we could. Night"

Me: "Hope you get better soon. Night"

 

Last time we split up a conversation along very similar lines happened and resulted in us trying again. This time I have no idea what her motivation is. I'm going to continue to focus on myself and ignore the above but I'm just curious how you guys and girls read it. Is she just lonely or 'testing the waters'?

 

Who knows, and to be honest I'm not sure I care - but given I've taken the time to write it down I guess I must!

 

Thoughts?

[Ellie2006]

Hey there,

 

Welcome to Enotalone.

I can only speculate but since you guys work together, maybe she's trying to maintain a semblance of peace?

 

You wrote in your OP (original post) that a similar exchange took place last time before you guys reconciled; if I may ask, is a reconciliation what you want?

 

If so, I wouldn't beat about the bush but get straight to the point. One important detail is that you guys MUST address the issues that broke you guys up in the first place for your relationship to work this time around.

 

If you are NOT interested in reconciling, then be civil and professional (since you guys are working together) BUT minimize the friendly exchanges. Try LC (limited contact) -- i.e. limit your conversations to work-related issues and when she contacts you to have a friendly chat, try not to respond as a response might give her mixed signals about your intentions to get back together again.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

And hang in there, okay? I know it must be terribly rough to work w/ an ex and having to see her on a regular basis. Nonetheless, it sounds like you're progressing nicely along the road to recovery and I wish you the best of luck!

[Jeffrey2095]

Dear littlebylittle,

 

If those were the signals from before, and it resulted in you getting back together, then maybe she is trying again.

 

Personally, it doesn't sound like she is neccessarily trying to make another go of it, just wanting to be friends, but you would know best.

 

The important thing is how you feel about it. If you don't want to get back, then there's nothing to worry about that way.

 

It must be most awkward having your ex so close on a daily basis. I hope you can just be friends and it doesn't morph into a stormy friendship, or you become enemies.

 

I would just do what you are doing. If you see it getting back the way it was, then just remain aloof.

 

Good luck

[littlebylittle]

Thanks for the advice. Very very much apprecaited.

 

I'm not 100% sure what to make of her approach to be honest, that's why I'm taking it with a pinch of salt (ish - not sure who I'm trying to kid!). I guess I'm only curious because she never contacted me at all over Christmas and New Year and was also asking a mutual friend what I was up to. Maybe I'm reading to much into it, maybe not.....we'll have to wait and see.

 

Ellie2006 -Reconcilliation is absolutely what I want, my tone is just a reflection of me taking things cautiously and not getting my hopes up. I 100% agree about resolving things that caused the split in the first instance. Ironically the 'kick in the balls' that this feels like has actually helped to resolve the issue - basically I fell into the trap of my entire self worth being based on attention from my ex, which is incredibly unhealthy and just led to me being insecure which she couldn't cope with. As I say, bizarrely enough the whole process of breaking up has helped me rediscover the person I was before hand and appreciate the good in myself. Just a bit ironic that the break up helps me towards fixing the thing that caused it in the first place....!

 

As it stands I'll just stick to being polite, but slightly withdrawn, I can't risk either getting my hopes up or going back down the spiral of despair I've just climbed out of.

 

Jeffrey2095 - Thanks. I do want her back, but at the same time I'm still trying to distance myself for my own good and to keep my head on. I do want to get back with her, but we'd need to do things differently this time. Working together is pretty horrid, we work in the same department so it's hard to avoid each other...

 

 

**..and so**

All I do know is that I've finally realised I am by far the stronger person and before I NEEDED her, now I simply WANT her and that is a whole world of difference. I guess it's amazing what you can learn about yourself and how much you can change yourself in a short period if you put your mind to it....and are lucky enough to have stumbled accross this website...!

[Ellie2006]

Hey L,

 

If I may ask, if reconciliation is what you want, why do you feel the need to distance yourself from her? Why not tell her directly that you would like to reconcile with her and discuss w/ her what you guys need to do differently for things to work this time around?

 

If she wants to work things out with you too, great! No need to torture yourself trying to guess what her intentions are.

 

If she does not want to work things out, too bad but again, you will know what her intentions are so you don't have to drive yourself mad by playing the guessing game, which is, as you probably know, very emotionally draining

[littlebylittle]

I'm distancing myself for my own good. I really did need the space in order to get myself in order, without the space I simply would not have made the progress I have and had we got back together the same thing would have happened again. Thus, I still feel the need to get myself in 'order' before approaching her directly - afterall, if I were in her shoes I'd simply think it's not worth trying again as nothing has changed. Once I'm happy with my own state of my mind and order in my life then I'll say something.

 

I guess the other factor is that I was previously in a 8 year relationship that I knew was wrong for maybe 3 years but stuck in there until I eventually was honest enough with myself to tell her that it wasn't right. So the analytical and rational side of me is taking a step back and making sure I want to try again with this one, emotional I'm a definite yes, but I can't help but look at it logically - i.e. "if it didn't work before why would it this time" - Bottom line, I need a little time to make sure I'm doing the right thing because I simply can't risk going through the same thing again.

 

Hope that makes sense!

 

Thanks again.

[Ellie2006]

L,

It makes perfect sense!

Also, I think your prudence is commendable.

 

Don't forget to take care of yourself in the meantime, okay?

 

Hugs,

Ellie

[littlebylittle]

Well.

 

Another night. I keep an eye on my mood/emotions quite closely because in the past I've had concerns about being depressed (whether single or with the gf). I rate myself each morning on a scale of of 0-100 (100 best). After a hugely low point in December, our work party, I told myself I was worth more than suicide and have been at 60/100 ever since, with the odd dip.

 

Tonight was different. After the exhange last night I got an email today asking when it would be convenient to pop around to pick up the last of her things. I've spent the evening packing them for her so she doesn't have to be here for too long tomorrow. It has completely destroyed me doing that simple taks, every item felt like another wretch of the heart, another little piece of my soul being packed off to never return, and these are only things - not even a person, just things and it has completley destroyed me. She's coming over tomorrow to pick her things up and I absolutely cannot be here so have asked my best mate to be here instead - this seems a bit stupid given that I work with her and will see her anyway, but I can't see her in this environment and cannot let her see me in the state I know I'd end up in.

 

To make matters worse I've received txts from her again tonight. I confirmed the time she needs to be over to pick up her things and received:

 

Me: "Hi, you'll need to be over for 19:00 if possible please, hope that's ok"

Her: "that's fine. where is everything"

Me: "i've left it all in the lounge, bagged up"

Her: "you didn't have to do that, I would have"

Me: "i'd done it weeks ago so no problem" (absolute lie of course, but thought it sounded better)

.....

.....

Her "thanks, by the way how did your date go the other week*?"

Her "sorry i shouldnt' have asked you that"

Her "sorry, have i put my foot in it".

 

*to try and feel better I started going out and met some people and went on a date - nothing happened and i didn't want it to, but I told someone else at work and guess they passed on the information to the ex.

 

I'm basically ignoring all these messages now because the only response to them I can have is "I bl00dy cancelled the date because I can't think of anyone or anything other than you and it is absolutely destorying me, I love you with everything I have to love and it tears me apart to think that simply doesn't matter anymore". That would certainly be the honest response but a stupid one too. thus I'm now sat covered in my own tears and have no idea how I'm going to face work in the morning and having to see her all over again.

 

I simply can't do this anymore. I thought i was strong enough to handle this but right now I'm not so sure.

 

How can such small things like the smell of a t-shirt, or photo, or birthday card, or f*cking fridge magnet reduce me to this.

 

It's taking every ounce of self respect I have to not respond to her texts and beg her to come back but at the same time it's killing me and I can barely bl00dy see my monitor through the tears streaming down my face.

 

Why the hell does it have to hurt so much?

 

I just want her to be back here in my arms and know that will never happen now and that thought is literally tearing me apart.

 

I'm sorry guys, I just had to get this out there. How can I have gone from such a strong sense of self to absolute despair in such a short time........

 

....and why in Gods name does she care about a date I went on, why can't I just stop the pointless pain and tears???

[littlebylittle]

I've hit rock bottom this morning and could do with some words of support guys.

 

Another day sat so close, but seemingly so far.

 

This is really hurting today.

[Ellie2006]

Hey L,

What's going on? Are you okay?

 

Okay, I re-read the post above ... is she coming over today?!

[littlebylittle]

As I work with her and she is sat pretty much opposite me I'm not sure why it's bothering me that much, but yes, she is coming over to collect her stuff tonight. But as I've said above, I'm not going to be there. Just feels a bit like I've gone back to square one. Also confused as to why she cares what I've been up to....

 

It doesn't help that I've got a hangover either, but I guess that's my own fault.

[Ellie2006]

L, it's not been long since you guys last broke up so (as you probably already know) what you're feeling now is natural. Admittedly, though, knowing that these emotions are all part of the healing process does not make things easier, I know.

 

Ach. It must be very difficult for you to work in such close proximity w/ her.

 

And I hear ya about how letting go of these "memories" are so painful; I think I too cried for days and days after I deleted the emails from my ex (my family couldn't understand why my eyes were so puffy all the time!) ... BUT I must say, although it was very hard for me to take that these memorabilias were gone, their absense, in the long run, made it easier for me to let him go ... I mean, the good memories are still with me, for sure! BUT it does make it easier that I do not have, in my possession, things that will continue to evoke painful memories about our breakup.

 

Hang in there.

 

Will you have to meet her in person when she comes by to pick things up? Do you think you guys might have a chance to talk a bit then?

[littlebylittle]

Thanks E,

 

I hear everything you are saying and agree, time will heal no doubt.

 

I'm actually avoiding being there tonight, my friend is going to be there instead.

 

I've got next week off, she's away the week after, and I'm away the week after that so I'm going to go three weeks with no contact at all.

 

I was intending on dropping her an email before I leave work on Friday. Nothing begging. Just a "this is what's changed, this is where I am now, hope you are well, wish you all the best, sorry it didn't work out"

 

Not sure if I should also include a "I hope you're sure about this because I still think there is something there"

 

Thoughts?

[Ellie2006]

L,

One question: you wrote earlier that you are trying to maintain distance from her to work on yourself. Yet the email you plan to send, in my humble opinion, seems to indicate otherwise (sorry if I am way off).

 

If you are doing LC to gain more emotional stability before you begin to think about reconciling w/ her, why drop her these seemingly subtle hints about your state of mind?

 

Again I apologize if I am reaching here but it almost seems as though you are probing to see how SHE feels before you decide what you want to do?

 

How about taking the time away to figure out what you want first and then with that clarity of mind, approach her and let her know where you stand and what you want to see happen in the relationship?

 

Just a thought ...

[littlebylittle]

In hindsight I think you are spot on. I am probing to get a response and find out her state of mind more than give clarity on mine and it is too soon. Even if she were interested in reconcilliation I imagine she'd think it was way to early for me to be suggesting I've fixed my issues.

 

Sound advice, I'll wait until I'm back from the three weeks of not seeing her and go from there. Maybe that would have also give her the time to realise that she's missing out - maybe that's wishful thinking. Then again, I find it easy to see now - I was a bl00dy good catch, aside from my insecurity I doubt she'll find another person more thoughtful or caring.....so actually she is the one losing out - never thought I'd hear myself say that.

 

With all the ifs and maybes i think it's safe to say that I should just steer clear for now, it makes the most sense for me even if it isn't what I want.

 

I guess the one thing that will stick in my head is why start contacting me out of nowhere and why the questions about my date. As much as I will try and assume she just wants to make sure I'm OK I'm already assigning some significance to them that doesn't exit...

[littlebylittle]

For Gods sake - why can't she just leave me alone!

 

I've just received an email asking "what's up". Come on, it can't be that difficult to work out.

 

It also seems that between her contacting me on Monday and being quite friendly and then yesterday being businesslike was when she found out i'd been on dates. I wonder if she's found that out and thought "he's getting on with his life, I'll back off" or "oh, I was just starting to think I might want to test the waters but if he's already off doing his own thing then I won't bother".

 

Any ideas?

[Jeffrey2095]

Hello littlebylittle,

 

So sorry to hear about the hard times you are having with this. Maybe she is simply trying to be concerned and ease the pain and remain a friend, not realizing how it perpetuates the pain.

 

I do the same thing as you sometimes, and am just beginning to break the painful memories that someone dumped on me years ago. (See, "Tired of Ruminating".)

 

Although it is hard, you might just be better off my friend, in letting her assume that you are casually dating someone, if nothing more than to let her think that you are getting over her, and maybe she won't inquire as to how you are and rekindle the pain.

 

I have had some success by re-reading my better posts here, instead of re-reading my past e-mails, and just wallowing in the pain. What's done is done, and ruminating won't change it at all.

 

At the same time, I think that there is a purpose to everything, even hard stuff like this. You will be a stronger person for this suffering, I truly believe that. So when the really right one comes along, you will be a better person overall somehow. (Which might attract Miss right to you in the first place.)

 

You can't help but suffer sometimes, but we have to try and not add to our own suffering buddy.

 

Good luck my friend!

 

Jeff

[littlebylittle]

I'm after a bit of a pep talk guys.

 

I thought I was 50% on my way to being over this and then out of nowhere I've suddenly got a very heavy heart and feel completely empty all over again. I MISS HER. I'd do anything now just to hold her but know that will never happen.

 

It's been three weeks since I last posted here. Three weeks that I've spent focusing on myself and myself alone. I've had a pretty good time of it if I'm honest. Sure, I've thought about the ex a lot but on the whole three weeks with no contact has done me the world of good.

 

I've started a new sport, taken up Salsa, started reading again (big passion), and got back out on my bike (another big passion), been out with the boys on the beers, gone to a few parties, enjoyed the company of some lovely people (err, use your imagination).

 

All of this sounds positive, I'm sure it's where some of you wish you had got to. However.....

 

I FEEL LIKE I'M BACK AT SQUARE ONE.

 

After everything going so well I've hit rock bottom again. From out of nowhere I found myself just break down tonight and sob uncontrollably. I'm back to dwelling on what could have been and wishing that it still could.

 

Why does this happen. Surely with some many distractions and so much progress how do we find ourselves back in the depths of despair.

 

I think that maybe I've finally accepted that it's over and until now I've been kidding myself that something might change. I'm reasonably confident she's moving back home (despite having no evidence - I just know that she has nothing to stay here for anymore) which is some 300 miles away and perhaps until now I've not really accepted that it's over. I just don't know.

 

I still don't accept that now, not in my heart anyhow - my head says move on but my heart won't let me.

 

Any advice from those that work with Ex's would be much appreciated . I've not been at work for a few weeks and she was on holiday last week. I just know I've got to go back to work next Monday and given how far I've fallen today I'm worried that I'll be a mess in front of her and I refuse to allow her to see me like that, I'm worth more than pity.

 

Also, maybe I'm just after a virtual pep talk / pat on the back......I don't know, I feel a bit like an alcoholic that has fallen of the wagon.

 

Sigh. Why does it have to be this way?

[finewhine]

Do you still feel like you're back at square one???

[Pisces_Princess]

Littlebylittle,

 

I have just read your post and your situation is not too far removed from mine.

 

I was interested in the scoring system you mentioned. I am in therapy at the moment and my therapist actually does a test a little like this at the beginning of every session. When I first started to go I was at 90/100 which is extreme depression but I have consistently improved and am now at 17/100 (apparently a normal person would be betwen 0-5!) so I have a little way to go it went up a little over Christmas/New Year but I guess that's to be expected.

 

My depression was the root cause of the breakdown of my relationship, the catalyst being a miscarried baby at the end of 2005. I only wish that I had been treated sooner, but I had no idea that this was my problem and I just put it down to everyday stress!

 

xxx