How can I break it off with my fiance??

[swraith]

I met my girlfriend in high school. We dated for about 2 years before breaking up, because we just didn't get along and had poor communication mostly. 2 years passed and we ran into each other - and got back together. This time we have been together over 3 years. I have always loved her, and when we first got back together she was great. We talked, she was happy all the time, and life was good. I thought she was finally the one for me, so we engaged. Then things started to get worse... She was unhappy alot, stressed over work, her negative attitude came back to show it's nasty face. We are just two different people it seems... I am striving to attain certain goals, better myself, have a positive attitude about most things, and don't let much bother me. She is negative about everything, is always upset about something, and has no goals in life it seems save for having a family. Not to mention we have very little in common outside of the relationship. I do truly love her, but I just don't think we are right for each other. We just conflict way too much. I know she cares about me, and I care about her, so mustering the strength to do the right thing a break it off now is extremely difficult. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want this relationship to end in divorce... I could probably manage to break it off relatively soft; try to let her down easy... But the problem is we live together right now, and even though she has a place to go, it means we have to be right next to each other for the days until she moves... What can I do?! It is going to be very painful for myself as well as her, and I don't want to subject either one of us to extended grief...

 

Please HELP!

[Lightingbird]

A decision too break up can be a hard one.

 

Firstly, you might want to consider seeing a counselor for both of to help mend your relationship before you make that final move. But if you are sure of your decision, then you need to make the necessary steps.

 

Wait till the evening, close to the weekend or during. Advise her feelings, remind her of her problems with you, and then mention your conflicts with her. Tell her that you would like to break up and that it may be best if she leaves as soon as possible to not cause any confusion or further problems.

 

Now, don't get nasty. Don't dispute over property or money. Just stick to your guns and allow her to leave peacefully. If she refuses, then figure out when you can acquire a new place of dwelling as soon as possible and then move.

 

Above all remain calm and think this out before you go down this road.

 

Good luck to you.

 

[thorsheim1607306442]

Breaking up is never easy, especially if the relationship has been deeply meaningful and long-term. I believe that if there's been significant time and love invested in a relationship, then forming a decision about the fate of it is often also a gradual process. Similar to swraith's situation, I was engaged (after being with my gf for three years) and had deep concerns about the relationship, though I love/d her and cared immensely about her. Wedding planning progressed and it was not until about 3 weeks before the wedding date that I found clarity. It took couple's therapy, deep introspection, prayer, and courage for me to decide that the relationship needed to end. The decision to call off the wedding was the most difficult thing I've ever done, but it also felt right. Neither logic, nor weighing the "pros" and "cons" was the key to finding the right answer. Instead, a core, gut-level feeling--that I'd explored enough to know was not simply a fear of commitment--was my guide. Although ending the relationship has been extraordinarily painful, there has been some unexpected beauty, and profound insights that I've had in the process. If you choose to say "goodbye," this does not require you to retract your love or caring, to disown the good times you've had together, or anything of that sort. It simply means that you don't want to be together. A final couple words: Don't let fear rule your decisions. If you need more time to sort things out before getting married, insist on there being ample time for that. Don't give in on that. You're not doing anyone a favor if you make a decision in haste that you may later regret. Last, be honest with your fiancee. Although it will be nerve-racking for her to hear that you have major concerns, she deserves to know. Best wishes for you and your relationship decisions in the New Year!

Dr. Tom Thorsheim

[swraith]

Thank you both for your insight. Although I am reviving this thread after nearly six months, I think the events that have happened in this time may give me the opportunity to make a final decision on what has plagued me for so long.

 

After my initial post, we agreed to move apart, although still date. That way I could get some space, and we could work things out. I was honest with her on my concerns, as were stated above. She promised to work on it.

 

It didn't really work that way since she was constantly calling and begging me to see her, and I was weak and lonely. After 3 months or so, she moved back in. Things were back to how they were at first. I decided to break it off for good this time, and so with that in mind, I talked to her last night. Well, I was being honest with her, and myself - laying out all the reasons (mostly her attitude) on why it wasn't working out. Then she caught me off guard with "Can we work it out? Can you help me to not be so negative? Don't you want to be with me, if I can be a better person?" Yowch. Then my weak-hearted self began to cave... I couldn't come up with a reason why I didn't want to work it out, although I felt like it was hopeless... I told her habits can be broken, but people don't change... She kept persisting that she needed my help to overcome her bad attitude, and that she loved me so much... Even though I wanted to tell her it was over, I couldn't bring myself to do it, regardless of my feelings!

 

I want to break it off. I think it's for the better of the both of us. But I love her, so part of me says "give her another chance". But I've always believed in giving second chances, not thirds. My heart hurts, but my brain is telling me "get out now, it's just going to end up like it is now". What should I listen too? How can I be strong and break it off for good - or am I foolish for wanting to do so? Everyone I know thinks I should call it quits, even my mother (who has an uncanny knack for seeing right through people) - I'm probably being foolish for even thinking of enduring this relationship further....

 

Alas, I turn to you once again for advice, encouragement, direction... strength.

[kinatra]

I too broke up after 4 years of a wonderful and happy relationship. We had wonderful times and she really made my life happier than I could have asked for....but she wasn't the one. We had differences on some things, the biggest being my attraction to other women and her religious belief that gays and lesbians were immoral. I just couldn't get over the latter and the former always made me think that this is not the one...I shouldn't be looking and wanting.... I don't know what to tell you. You just have to go with your instincts...it's painful I know since I too just recently broke it off for the 2nd time....but I think it's for the best. You just have to go with your instincts on this one....that's all you have. Best O' Luck