Advice please.

[Dallas73]

First post, so here goes..

 

I just wanted to find out if anyone else has ever had extreme jealousy and what steps might have been taken to get back on the right path. Anyone's input is most certainly appreciated.

 

Lately I have had extremely jealous behavior towards my wife and I feel that things are at an all-time low in our relationship. We constantly fight due to my accusations of her possibly being interested in someone else and the constant barrage of questioning. Over the last several weeks things have escalated to the point of my wife threatening divorce and selling our new home. Unfortunately, we have a 2 year old caught in the crossfire and I want nothing more than to keep our family intact.

 

My wife generally is a good person- she doesn't really do anything to provoke thoughts of jealousy outside of making a few statements about some of her co-workers being cute, etc. She comes home every night, does not stay out late after work or do much of anything to lead me to believe that there is an extramarital affair going on. Due to my feelings of insecurity though, I feel that what I bring to the table for her emotionally isn't enough anymore due to wearing her thin with the jealousy- this I fear will eventually lead to an affair with a co-worker. Anytime she does something to better herself I feel as if she is doing it to look more attractive for the people she works with versus just doing things to make herself feel better. I think I have crossed the point of no return with her as of last night by having an extremely jealous outburst that entailed the full scope of throwing things, yelling, etc- which ultimately forced her to try to pack and leave. Seeing her drive off scared me so much so that I got in my car and followed her- as we drove along the highway (safely, not speeding)- I begged for her to come home. She did- but said only to get a good night's rest before heading into work in the morning.

 

The trademark things that I do to show my jealousy is;

 

Calling excessively- wanting to know where she is, who she is with.

 

Questioning why she is making changes to better her appearance lately, things such as tanning, eating healthier, shopping for new clothing that is outside of her norm.

 

Why she doesn't call me at all- very rarely do I get a call from her just to say hi, in fact it seems as though I do all of the calling.

 

I am a fit guy- I work out, eat healthy myself, etc. I am also a successful professional for the most part. People that I work alongside have no clue about my family disaster. I don't understand where my insecurities are stemming from, my guess is the lack of attention that I have been receiving from her over the last several weeks (as a result of the jealousy IMO).On her side of the coin, everyone in her family, her friends, etc. think that I am psycho and have a compulsive/jealousy problem.

 

In this type of situation is there anything that I can do to regain her respect? Or is it too late? As of this morning she said that she does not know what to do or if she wants to try and make things work out. I mentioned that I am willing to seek counseling for jealousy and she stated that she isn't sure this would help.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

[honeyspur]

It is never too late. However, it is about you breaking these habits you've created. If you take away your jealous actions and behavior, do you think you'll be left with a lot of anxiety? Do you think the real issue between the two of you will come to the surface and you'll be able to address it then? Ask yourself these questions.

 

You may be on to something - you may not.

Jealousy is often linked to feelings of inadequacy - again an issue within you that may have to be tackled with either therapy or researching how to gain confidence online. Having confidence is great - but maybe you just need more than you already have. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

 

Be careful that you are not blaming her for things you do yourself. The difference may be that you don't voice your opinion to her. If that is the case, you may simply want to ask her to keep her feelings to herself, since you need evidence before you start believing someone is cheating.

 

Good luck

[Clementine orange]

You have hit the nail the head when you theorize that your jealousy will drive her away. It's good that you recognize this as a bad thing and out of control. Perhaps you need to see a psychologist or counsellor without your wife.

This will eat you alive if you don't get a handle on it.

Note that if the only attention she ever receives from you is you "freaking out" on her then that will drive her away. Nobody likes that. There are some control issues afoot here.

Seek professional help as soon as you can!

[Dallas73]

Thank you for the quick responses.

 

I agree- the counseling needs to be done alone. This is something I believe I must do in order to be a healthier person in general.

 

And yes, as of late the only attention that she has received from me is the "freaking out". I am not sure if I have pushed her away completely from an emotional standpoint yet- she has mentioned in our fights that I am beginning to. Unfortunatley, the communication that we have with one and other is simply arguing which prevents me from really finding out where she is with her thoughts.

 

In anyone's opinion should I try a different approach- perhaps trying to be romantic once again? Or is this just like trying to mix oil with water? What are the first steps outside of saying that you are sorry and seeking counseling.

[honeyspur]

It sounds to me like you are impatient and/or don't believe that therapy and ceasing the jealous activity will work. You must try and wait for it.

The faster you jump on getting an appointment (how about today?) the quicker you are to regaining her trust.

 

If you have difficulty sitting alone with your own thoughts/judgements and it leads to jealousy and mistrust inside of you, this would be a good place to start with the therapist.

[Dallas73]

I do have difficulty with coping alone and this is where it usually starts-absolutely right on this one.

 

I would say that it is more of an issue of impatience- there is a great deal of anxiousness to start working on getting things in-line again. I will start with setting an appointment today and ceasing jealous behavior.

 

Thank you.

[blindfold]

my bf is scarily like you... he is obssessive about certain things and jealous over anything that surrounds me... it doesn't feel good, and i'm unhappy with him, when he is on his jealousy moods... he's got me thinking i'm to blame for having men i could potentially cheat on him with around me (which i don't and i wouldn't cheat on him, ever). it is hell... i'm glad you can admit it (he can't), and maybe you can save your marriage by improving things on that department... no one likes to have the "police questioning", it is intimidating and represses the other person's feelings... be careful, if you really do love her...

 

sincerely hoping it gets better*

[Dallas73]

Thanks Blindfold.

 

Unfortunately, this isn't the first time I have acted out. Deep down inside I feel like things are bleak and last night's fight was basically the straw the broke the camel's back.

 

I suppose I should give her space/time to rethink our relationship. Hopefully, she will also reflect on all of the good times we have had before she comes to any conclusion.