THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[bepositive]

I left a happy birthday voice mail for my ex, and she texted back and then left a voice mail for me a few days later (phone was off, I was flying). She said she had been wanting to call me, but wanted to give me time and space... Sounds like she wants to get me into the friend zone, and she has traditionally been friends with her exes. However, none of her other exes loved her enough to propose to her, and I'm worth more than just being friends. She also failed to wish ME a happy birthday, so what kind of friend is that? (It's a few days later, I doubt she forgot.) I haven't e-mailed her back yet like she asked, and don't know when/if I will.

 

However, the fact that she's thinking about me that much still tells me that her current bf is a rebound, and it's still just in the dreamy stage. I didn't expect any second chance to occur this quickly anyway, and I'm definitely not over her. I have an appointment with the shrink in a week, so I'll see what she makes of everything.

 

I'm in the same boat as a bunch of us; it's not hard to not contact the ex, but I really miss her and want the relationship to start up again. Ugh!

 

Are there ever any local ENA get-togethers?

[rohded]

 

Are there ever any local ENA get-togethers?

 

Ugh, I could imagine what those parties would be like. A bunch of people with broken hearts getting drunk and crying together. haha, just kidding. Day 1 of NC is over until that party (not the ENA one ). I'm trying to find motivation to work out and have been reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" by Robert Glover. I'm trying to improve myself to make myself happier and hopefully she will see the changes, if not, well then, at least I'm happy right?

[NoContactItIs]

Still feeling rather strong. Doing this because I know it's best for me. Not even sure what phase I'm in. Haven't been able to feel anger. Not sure I will or not. It's a mix between thinking it'll hit her at some point and maybe she's too oblivious to even be giving it any thought. Who knows anymore. I'm committed to NC. What concerns me a bit is the day count. I thought the point was to not think about it anymore and move on. I understand the therapeutic effect of this, but not sure which outweighs the other. Constant daily reminder or typing it out. Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

[DavidWRosario]

Day 3 - Not to Bad, Had to discuss with her issues involving my Daugther. Spoke not one word about what used to be us. She has signed Grace up for some special study and all these specialist coming over to the house. She told me nothing of it. My son called me today and said Dad there are Cameras all over the house. We discussed it and I called her to find out what was going on. She said she had told me about it. OOps there she goes fabricating cr#p again. I almost feel like I can't even talk with her about the kid stuff we need to discuss. I love my kids, but this break up would be easier if I could really be the Bas#$d she says I am.

 

I am really conflicted - If she ever comes to her senses and asks me back and I say yes. Then I will be waiting for this to happen again. If I tell her to pound sand, then am I no better than her ?

 

](*,)

 

Dave

[DavidWRosario]

Nocontactitis-it is going to take a while - There are stages of Grief you have to walk thru. They are

Denial, Bargining, Anger, Depression and Acceptance. I have been separated since May 8, 2008 I can tell you I have been in all 5 stages and some at the same time. I am done with Denial and Bargaining. Anger, Depression and Acceptance I feel like a pin ball in a game all three or any combination there off. My relationship was married for 19 1/2 and another 2 of dating. You need to accept this thing, fix yourself (with help) and move on. I find posting here is theraputic. It seems a little morbid, but I feel a little better when I can bleed with a group instead of bleeding by myself. (Not literally . . . nobody call 911)

 

Focus on what you know is good, connect with the world. Your not by yourself.

 

Dave

[NoContactItIs]

Nocontactitis-it is going to take a while - There are stages of Grief you have to walk thru. They are

Denial, Bargining, Anger, Depression and Acceptance. I have been separated since May 8, 2008 I can tell you I have been in all 5 stages and some at the same time. I am done with Denial and Bargaining. Anger, Depression and Acceptance I feel like a pin ball in a game all three or any combination there off. My relationship was married for 19 1/2 and another 2 of dating. You need to accept this thing, fix yourself (with help) and move on. I find posting here is theraputic. It seems a little morbid, but I feel a little better when I can bleed with a group instead of bleeding by myself. (Not literally . . . nobody call 911)

 

Focus on what you know is good, connect with the world. Your not by yourself.

 

Dave

Thanks Dave, I think I have felt most emotions except anger. Did the bargaining bit, went though the depression (which I'm glad to almost be done with), for the most part have accepted the situation. Might still go through denial here and there and I'm sure I'm capable of getting angry. I don't think I'm avoiding it because I'm romanticizing the past. I just don't generally like to carry negative emotions. I've done quite a bit of soul searching and know exactly where I went wrong which I'm sure will help me in the future. Can't fault someone for wanting to be with someone else. I guess it's more disappointment and I'm sure that will heal in time as well.

 

Thank again,

[bepositive]

What concerns me a bit is the day count. I thought the point was to not think about it anymore and move on. I understand the therapeutic effect of this, but not sure which outweighs the other. Constant daily reminder or typing it out. Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

 

I did the day count for a while, and then just stopped counting. So, it does eventually work.

 

I think I skipped some of the stages, and now I'm in "acceptance..." I've come to accept the fact that she'll come back and well be together again at some point. (And if that's denial, I'm going through these in waaay backward fashion.)

[DavidWRosario]

I did the day count for a while, and then just stopped counting. So, it does eventually work.

 

I think I skipped some of the stages, and now I'm in "acceptance..." I've come to accept the fact that she'll come back and well be together again at some point. (And if that's denial, I'm going through these in waaay backward fashion.)

 

There is no order to the stages. Until your done with all of them you can bounce back and forth, be in muliptle stages at once. I think I can describe myself as all screwed up while going through these stages. I would love to hear from some people who have cleared the stages and able to move on. How long does it take ? I am sure it is different for everyone. I know someone posting earlier, had a relationship terminated, last summer. I don't want to be morning this relationship next year at this time.

 

Dave

[nelz]

Oh boy, never in a million years could I imagine going over 2 weeks without speaking to my ex.

 

It has been difficult to say the least, and I have yo-yoed with my emotions. At a downer again at the moment, but hopefully that'll soon change.

[ghostgirl116]

i went for three weeks without talking to the ex/any contact. i broke it sunday night. i couldn't hold the anger in any more and i sent him an email saying that i thought that he was a cad. ok, i know you're not supposed to do that. he actually found the time to contact me via an email response last night. i decided i would sleep on it before i opened the mail. i really didn't want to read something that would cause me further pain, as i already got his point, even though he didn't have the decency to "tell me" in a way other than blowing me off.

 

i had a dream about him.... oddly enough, i've had more dreams about him than i have any other boyfriend...or all of them put together!! and this morning, while i was in that wake-up twilight faze, i told myself that i should just delete the email without reading it. so that is what i did. although i feel sad, and even though calling him a cad may have been a little harsh, i actually feel a sense of peace today.

 

so, i will call this the official day one.

 

gg

[DavidWRosario]

Good luck, this time. is this the 2nd time you started n/c - does it get easier to go along or does there seem to be more unanswer questions. I am only on Day 3 of n/c, I find I want to talk with her, but everything has really been said. My therapist suggested n/c, but called it something different. I wonder is the reason we want back with our EXs is because we feel we are not good enough for anyone else. Just thinking out loud.

 

Dave

[...John...]

well its day 2 now... i would of been 3 but i slipped up the other day and texted her... anyways today wasn't that bad, i mean it still 7:00 pm but I have hope that its still going to be a good day... i did think about her but I didn't feel the pain like a did before, I guess I took control and realized if she can hurt as much as she is after the break up, theres no reason for me to miss someone like that, sometimes that kinda thinking works than others i still miss her... i mean I still really do miss her and love her and wish we could fix everything... anyways a close friend of mine is suppose to just hang out with her, and try to talk to her, not my idea, hes moving to and he just want to say goodbye and stuff but he also cares about her and the things she is doing to herself... i miss her a lot, and I can't understand why she is hurting herself like she is, but she ultimately makes that choice. Feeling a little better...

[ghostgirl116]

hey dave! yeah, i guess i just really felt i had to say i wasn't a doormat, and that was the thing for me. i know i deserve to be treated better. i was rather "understanding" as it was, for a while regarding his situation, and believed him when he told me on a few occasions that he really did like me and wanted to see me again when he got his life back together. so the contact during that time was very sporadic. when he asked to see me three weeks ago, he gave me all this talk about things were getting so much better, how he had wanted to call me on a few occasions, but the time wasn't right then. well, i stupidly and willingly gave him what he wanted that night, and was blown off. so for three weeks i had been stewing, and decided that the only way to have a little peace was to tell him that yeah, i get it. but that he could have been big enough to just tell me he really didn't want something with me.

 

so, i suppose this is the second try with nc, although i can't say that i actually committed to it before. i just had my pride then. when he sent the email reply, i honestly was afraid that if i even read it, it would only cause me pain. i hadn't expected a reply, and why would i need to have the knife twisted any further in?

besides, even if it would have been something that i'd want to hear (ha!), i can't let myself be drawn back in. i realize this would be so bad for me, and i have a lot of thinking to do, besides.

 

i really feel like the challenge will do me some good. i've already committed to taking better care of myself, too.

 

what are you doing, dave? i mean, have you taken up any new stuff? i think i'll give martial arts a try. i've wanted to do that since i was a kid. now feels like a good time.

 

gg

[rohded]

I get real down when I think of her moving on and finding a new guy. It hurts thinking about her having sex and being intimate with someone else a lot. I don't know if she is ever going to come back and am starting to think she won't. I'm hurt and confused.

[DavidWRosario]

Your right you're not a doormat and you deserve better. I wish i could understand why people who say they love each other and promise a lifetime committment turn around and do the most horrible things.

 

You know sometimes tell someone what you think they need to hear does not help the situation. I remember when I confronted my Dad over some stupid things he said to my brother and me when we were kids. Very non supportive things, a long story kept short, when we were kids we were both jocks, specifically very gifted in HS Football. I quit in my Junior yr after breaking a QB's leg(compound multiple fracture) a stupid kids game. My brother had a full ride to Penn State and my Dad told him, if I could not hack it, what made him think he could do any better. My brother moved into drugs, alchohol, and some stupid behavior. Fast forward to now. I confronted Dad and his total excuse was I drank alot in those days and us boys should never listen to a drunk. It was wasted breath and thought. I said that to say this. Sometimes a Ex knows they are a CAD, but it does not change who they are or who they hurt. Many people are so Greedy they only care about thier wants and needs. I have never been able to think that way. God help me if I ever do.

 

As far as trying something new. I have really pushed my walk with Christ, I spend time with my two kids, I am not a shy person, but right now I am very cautious about associating with anyone face to face. A friend told me I needed a female companion - a plutonic thing, some one to go to dinner with and just hang out. I said yeah - And the 1st date would be something like, Ah the smoked Samon looks good, My ex never liked anything smoked. Oh red wine, my ex only like the white. ha-ha Right now hiding behind my terminal is very safe.

 

Martial Arts is very cool, what form are you thinking about ? One of the most popular is Tae Kwon do. It is more of a art form. If you would like to defend your self look into Kung Fu, Hap Ki Do or Ai Ki do. A bit of a funny one, I used to be a member of the Local YMCA, studied everything they offered till I got the nerve to take a beginners Yoga Class. I look like a linemen who is smuggling cars, this beginners class was open to everyone and all the girls who could bend in half were there. Every time I strectched or move a postion there was poping and cracking. It was very embarrassing, now its funny.

 

How long did your relationship last ? Mine was 19 1/2 years with 2 kids

 

dave

[DavidWRosario]

I get real down when I think of her moving on and finding a new guy. It hurts thinking about her having sex and being intimate with someone else a lot. I don't know if she is ever going to come back and am starting to think she won't. I'm hurt and confused.

 

 

Wow to be 20 again. My marriage lasted almost as long as you have been alive. Most of the single people are in your age bracket. You are at the beginning of your life, not the end. Consider that you lost her, It was a great time in you life. Take the good from the relationship and apply it to the next. I am not saying use people, but to have a lasting relationship that goes on for many years you have to find many interest you both have.

 

Dave

[The Mad Pagan]

Day 2 of the challenge, day 9 of no contact whatsoever. It's actually pretty easy for me to maintain NC, because the ex wouldn't respond to anything I sent anyway (as I know from a month of hard experience).

 

Today I haven't thought about 'us' much except in the quiet moments. Those are the worst. I still want our relationship back, and it sometimes feels like I'm slowly dying inside, but things will be what they will be. Fate's hand shouldn't be forced.

[ghostgirl116]

good morning dave! i hope your morning is off to a pleasant start.

 

i know just what you mean when you say telling someone something they already know usually doesn't help. but i have to say, it helped me. any time i would assert myself during this "break/space" of his, i would pull back and say that i wasn't being understanding enough. i don't want ot give the impression that he is a full-time cad... he was great when we were in the relationship. A LOT of bad luck came his way, and he was having a hard time handling things. when he called and we met up, he said that if he would have seen me during this time (his break/space), he was afraid that he would have driven me away for good, because he was so depressed and that he would have been an a$$*!^% to me, so he knew it was best to stay away. i could understand that.

but when he just called so that he could get laid, essentially, and totally blew me off afterwards, i felt so stupid and hurt. and it made me feel better to finally just say to him what i thought of him! i did not want to hurt him, and i'm afraid i may have been harsh... no one wants to hear that they've been a cad or a jerk or whatever. but, it made me feel a little better to say something... the funny thing was, when he was bringing me back home that night, i had just got done telling him that i really felt a sense of trust with him (which was very true... ).

 

i just tell myself that he can't have cared for me or he wouldn't have just blown me off like he did, with no regard to my feelings. (and he really did say that he wanted to date me again, so i just assumed that he was ready to start seeing me again) this helps me. its weird in a way... its not that i want to go around feeling that my feelings are justified, but it will help me to heal. i have a lot to answer to myself for. i become this person in a relationship who, once i'm hooked, i just do not assert myself where i should. so, finally coming out and saying "i don't deserve this", whether he "hears" or gets it or not, has felt good in a way. there is that part of me that regrets that i may have hurt him by doing this, but not enough that i will go back on it. maybe that is childish, i don't know. i'm old enough that i should be beyond these things, but...

 

i'm sorry i'm just rambling on and on!!

 

it was a relatively short relationship, but fairly serious. he introduced me to his family, and invited me to family stuff. i met one of his kids, and was set to meet his youngest. (he told his ex wife that he met some one that he wanted to introduce their son to). he met my family and my daughter... took us out for pizza and a movie the first time meeting her. and she really liked him.

 

i know he has some other issues that he probably won't admit to. the recent ex wife (he's been married twice) seemed to be really something!! (and this isn't coming from him... he has never bad-mouthed the woman) i know for a fact that she at one point (right when he backed off from me) that she was getting into his personal e-mail (from her own home computer) and deleting my messages to him, and that she would log onto his "myspace" account and read/delete my messages to him. i won't go into how i know, but wow! they've been divorced for a year.

 

so i don't know. i'm thinking he should date around.

 

i'm glad i deleted his email to me. i don't think i would have handled anything painful too well.

 

honestly, i would like to send him a nice "closure letter" much later down the road. but for now, nc is the way to go. i didn't want to/mean to end things in this fashion.

 

thank you for the support!!

 

gg

[Abbie]

Day 47 ...

 

... For some reason I am not getting the whole 'acceptance' thing. I still fantasise about him contacting me and declaring his undying love and begging me to try again. The intellectual part of me knows it's not going to happen but the emotional part just can't stop hoping. I desperately want to contact him but I know it would achieve nothing and I'd only have to start NC all over again. Six and a half weeks is no time at all in the grand scheme of things but it feels like six and a half years.

 

If I'm honest, I think the hardest thing is being alone. I still love him and miss him constantly but I'm sure I'd get over him reasonably quickly if there was someone to replace him. It's the loneliness that's actually depressing me and not the fact that he's not in my life anymore.

 

I am struggling in so many ways and seem incapable of pulling myself out of this slump. I know exactly what I need to do but I can't seem to get my finger out and actually do it.

[NoContactItIs]

Day 3 - Maybe too early in the day to post, but so far it's been a cocktail of emotions... off to a rough start. Hoping to turn it around by the day's end. Keep your head up everybody.

[NoContactItIs]

Very much committed to NC. In fact I don't ever want to have anything to do with her anymore. I guess this is anger showing up. No one is worth the pain. I will break my commitment to post up to 30 days. This is me signing off and wishing everyone here closure and comfort. Stay strong.

[The Mad Pagan]

It's still day 2, but I am feeling weak. You know, I don't like being treated like I don't exist. Yeah, I know he's hurting, but we haven't spoken at all since the break-up. Every attempt I previously made at communication was ignored, and that's why I decided that I just need to go NC and focus on myself.

 

Still, this was the best relationship I've ever been in. How could it hurt any more?

[...John...]

moving on... its a beautiful feeling... going day 3... it still sucks don't get me wrong but my bouts of uncontrollable emotions have dissipated for now at least and its a good feeling... i cried a little yesterday, but today I just had to deal with some stuff before I move... I'm hoping that it just gets better from this point forward... I have learned to accept that we are done, and that she doesn't want me in her life anymore... as much as it sucks its the truth at least from what I gather... and now I have to worry about me... wish you guys all the best.

[DavidWRosario]

Day 4 - Well all in all not a bad day. I have two new friends to share with. I think Like the Garth Brooks songs says "I'm learning to live again". I walked with Jesus this morning for 4 1/2 miles. Wish I could get up earlier to walk more but I think 4 am is enough.

 

I had to work a service call today 1 1/2 miles from her house. I would be lyeing if I said I didn't consider stopping in and saying hello. I came to my senses 5 miles before her house, there is no reason to go someplace I am not wanted. I had a small bout with Grief(Depression, Anger, Denial) I can not grasp sometimes how a marriage could last nearly 20 years and just end. I feel like I want some kind of answer from her, however, I don't think any answer she gave me would be good enough. The best conclusion I can come to is; She used me 20 yrs ago to escape her family, she used me to acquire - property, money, cars and personal possession. Because I work 50 + hours per week she accused me of being Greedy. I worked that hard because the job required it and she spent it like it was water. When we Split I gave her all the profit from the sale of our home, cars, bank account, and when she tried to give me 20,000 of it. I went and put it in her Checking account. I left 20yrs with My bible, 1 duffle bag of clothes, my guns, my truck and my tools. I am not showing out, I have been blessed with 60 to 70 hours weeks since the split and that has helped my sanity.

 

I think the Days are getting better Day 6 should be good. Day 7 & Day 9 are going to be rough. I pick up the kids on Friday and have to return them on Sunday. I know seeing her is going to upset me. Guess I need to start praying for peace.

 

Dave

[DavidWRosario]

Thanks for the kind words this morning, I saw the email on my phone during the day, just could not respond. If telling him off helped you heal then bully for you.

 

 

I have some questions for you if you dont mind. We both have children, Mine are 9 and 11, Boy and Girl. David and Grace. Since you have a Daughter, how old is she and how long were you separated from her Dad before you met this other guy. Did your Daughter have any rough transitions in all this. How is she taking this. I worry about how my kids are reacting. There have been no outward signs, but I am sure there is some hurt there. My son always asks me if I am ok, am I eating and sleeping enough.

 

When you decided to begin dating again did you meet someone date for a while then involve you children or what ?

 

I have always been a planner, this divorce is going to happen. I dont see away to derail that train. I will maintain my vows till she divorces me and then I will find a way to go on.

 

Ok that's enough serious about me.

 

what does Ghost girl represent ?

 

 

You asked me about activites- I am a Commerical Refrigeration Heating and Air Technican, I am a Cub master for a Cub Scout Pack, Love to fish, hunt and shoot. I have searched for God most of my life and finally found him arround Jan 2008. I want to get into hiking more with my kids.

 

How bout you ?

 

BTW - Rant on all you want, posting here is very positive for me. Reading and communicating here helps me to feel I am not walking alone.

 

 

Dave