Life's Trials and Joys

[Jeff777]

Well brother I feel for you.

Here's my sad tale. I married in 91' to a woman who had been struggling with depression and severe low self esteem (we had been dating for 7 years and had tried to break it off – but I got lonely and she got PREGNANT! – (by me) ). I believe I loved her? (or at least cared about her – even though a lot of times we did not get along – or seemed to be at odds with each other) and with the proper counseling and healing (on both our parts) could make a life. Along the way to paradise we had (4) wonderful kids (now 15, 12, 10 & 4). It seemed that as time went on (the past 7 years) she became more depressed and more suicidal and convinced that I neither loved her nor really cared for her. Financial pressures and the additional children (which she was intent on homeschooling and sleeping with) proved to be major stress for her. We drifted apart and my job and ministry was my gig and her kids and other things were hers. As the pressure of things grew for her – she became much more verbally abusive (much like my mother had been to me as a child!) and no longer seemed to “stand by her man.” I think she viewed me as the “enemy”. This had the effect of draining all the respect and caring I had out of me for her. So all my suggestions – both mild and strong were all motivated by a cruel intent to keep her “unhappy” (so she thought). Basically – the major things in life we did not agree upon. The bible says that “how can 2 walk down the same road unless they are in agreement?” (my paraphrase) We certainly were not. By this time I guess you could say that our marriage was not even “a meaningful convenience.”

Enter Act II. My brother from Florida with a history of crack cocaine use had been in and out of jail since the middle 80’s. In an effort to help him out, my wife and I decided to bring him up north to live with us – as we were planning to build a new house on nice piece of property. This was in Oct. 2005. By the end of November of that same year I started to notice a “connection” between the two of them. Compliments would ooze from my brother toward my wife and she hung on his every word and when he said “jump” – she’d say “How high?”. My wife said I was silly and that they were just “brother and sister.” By December I noticed that they were spending more time together than my wife and I were. One of the counselors at church thought that my wife was entering the area of “emotional adultery” – and counseled her that my brother should leave our home. At this suggestion my wife became very angry and defensive. In January 2006 my pastor also felt the same - so I made plans (against the wishes of my wife) to relocate my brother into his own apartment. March 3, 2006 I will never forget. My brother left the house at 9:30 pm and my wife shortly thereafter said she was going to the supermarket. At 2:45 AM I received a call from God via my brother’s cell phone and for one hour listened in to the most startling conversation I have ever heard. My wife and brother were in crack-town drunk as skunks copping drugs while talking about their new life and how they had committed adultery. My wife called around 10AM the same morning and said that she had done something really bad. She wouldn’t say what – She wouldn’t say where she was or when she was coming back – she just said that she’d call. So then I noticed that a few checks were missing from my business account. $700.00 was taken and cashed and now money was missing from my checking account as well – now that they were taking money via the ATM.

Well to wrap things up – I sent my brother packing back to Florida in early March after I tracked them both down at some sleazy hotel. My wife fell into an even deeper depression and yearned to be with my brother stating that “there was no closure” between them. By April 10th, my wife was on her way to Florida to settle those things that she had started with the man she was “desperately in love with” – my brother! We had saw a counselor in March after my brother left, but my wife said that she was “in love” with my brother and yes, cared about me, but was not “in love” with me – and that she could not “commit” to the restoration of the marriage.

In the midst of all my misery – I sent a letter (that had sat on my desk for over a year) to the Father of an old girlfriend (we knew each other back in 1974 when we were 18!), inquiring as to how she was doing. I figured that she was now happily married with kids – you know… Well, she wrote me back two days after my wife had left for Florida telling me that she had been divorced for 24 years had had (2) kids (both grown) and would love to talk over old times.

Things progressed rather quicky with this old flame (who lives two states away) and that love that we had back in 1974 quickly returned with an intensity that overtook me. I told her my tale of woe and she said my wife was a crazy woman to have done this. Over the many years I have always felt that this old friend was the one I could really share my heart with.

 

However, my wife returned back home in May for a month to appear at our child custody hearing, get her money from the refinancing of our house, pack up her stuff and buy a vehicle. July 9, 2006 she headed for FLA. As time went on I felt that she was getting deeper into the drug culture (for some reason she wanted to talk to me figuring I was her last link to the sane life she once knew). My once beautiful wife was down to 120 lbs. at 5’ 7”! She would never tell me (and never to this day really has) what was going on (she thought that I’d use it against her).

 

Today she sits in a county jail in central Florida – with charges of Crack Cocaine possession and (3) different controlled prescription drugs she was abusing. Looking at her was like looking at the face of death. God stopped her in her tracks before she O.D.’d.

 

So here I am – Mr. Mom with (4) kids left holding the proverbial bag with a wife (I am in the process of divorce) who I don’t know if (A) really wants me (or knows what she wants really) or is in love with me or my brother, and (B) may never recover from her depression and drug abuse. And a new (old friend) woman who I believe has a heart of gold, the ability to live life happily and who I deeply love.

 

Can someone be re-united with a spouse when all this has happened – Can their marriage be restored? I have no love in my heart for my estranged wife. I do not miss her and since she has been gone the house has a much better atmosphere. It has not been easy on me – with the kids and the house and all the other responsibilities – I lean heavily on the Lord now. Today I am seeking His plan the best I know how. Thanks for listening.

God Bless you all along the road of life.

[Beec]

Can someone be re-united with a spouse when all this has happened – Can their marriage be restored? I have no love in my heart for my estranged wife. I do not miss her and since she has been gone the house has a much better atmosphere. It has not been easy on me – with the kids and the house and all the other responsibilities – I lean heavily on the Lord now. Today I am seeking His plan the best I know how. Thanks for listening.

God Bless you all along the road of life.

 

I think the answer is yes, to all of the above, but it requires a number of things, and most of us are simply not capable of these things. If you were to accept your wife back, as you seem to have done a few times, then, in order to have a real marriage, you would need to learn to trust her again. That would not be easy, but it you could never trust her, then you would enver really ever have a marriage. And if you did not trust her, then you really are not accepting you back.

 

Now, before I could ever accept anyone back like this, I think I'd need to see some remorse and forgiveness sought. But she would also need to accept that I was basically going to be untrusting and checking on things and that she would need to be giving me a lot of deference, until I knew I could trust her.

 

After all you have been through and with the duration for which it lasted, I don't really give your marriage much chance of ever being reconciled, but I've beenw rong about many things before.

 

As far as the return of this old flame, time will tell, but it seems there may be hope. Get settled and give it some time before you make any serious moves.

 

And welcome to enotalone. Stick around.

[Jeff777]

Thanks for the advice Beec. Yeah the trust thing has been a major issue in my mind. In reality - could I ever personally get over all of this? I don't know. Time will tell all - and so I go on. Thanks again.

[BornToResist]

First of all, WOW. That was one of the most honest, well written posts I have ever seen. You really have a gift for writing.

 

Secondly, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's amazing that you have been able to keep your sanity AND your faith.

 

I'm not sure what advice to give you in regards to your marraige. I think it's noble that you are so willing to give this woman everything you have and more chances than most would, but at what expense? You already stated you have no love for her and she has already done some of the most horrible things imaginable. You obviously believe in forgiveness in probably the most genuine form, but I would just hate for you to sacrifice your chance at happiness with this old flame for someone who is so far in over her head and really hasn't done anything to try to save herself.

 

What steps has your exwife taken to get herself out of this mess? What things has she done to try to make things right between the two of you?

 

That is such a tough situation to be in.

 

My thoughts are with you!

[DN]

Let me ask you this:

 

What do you think would be the best (and realistically possible) scenario for your kids. Not you or your wife at the moment (not that either are unimportant) but just the kids.

 

Would it be in their best interests for you to reconcile with your wife if there is a chance that she would continue with or revert to her crack use?

[kermit]

Can someone be re-united with a spouse when all this has happened – Can their marriage be restored? I have no love in my heart for my estranged wife

 

If you have no love in your heart why are you asking? Assuming everything you say is true, why would you even consider reconciling? Has she given you any sign that she can mend her ways? To be brutally honest I don't think so. Do feel guilty about ending your marriage and walking away from this mess?

[Jeff777]

To all you gracious souls above - Thanks for your thoughts. Sometimes I wonder where fantasy and reality meet. If in the "day to day" something is really workable and livable.

 

For years I prayed that my wife would get help for her depression - & along the way worked on my own "issues" as best I could. As she met her enemy (which was inside of her) she found it hard for her to face it - and to hang in there and slay it. As time went on and she approached mid-life - the pain inside of her broke the proverbial camel's back.

 

I know this is a road for healing for her and that she can be restored to a healthier/happier woman - one who loves life and will meet its challenges in a positive manner. But perhaps our paths are meant to go in different directions.

 

As she is jail now - she has said that she's sorry - (and that she loves me) but who wouldn't be sorry - really? Is this enough to make her change (the bottom) - or is she just "crying" again out of her pain - and not taking the steps to change and slay the "enemy". Time will tell I guess.

 

As for the guilt Kermit, yes, I guess I do. In some relationships there are those "guilt throwers" & those "guilt catchers". I was a catcher.

And in so many ways my wife threw it because she could not admit to her own inadequacies in order to work through them.

 

As for my kids... Well - they were exposed (I allowed this) to her depression for well over 10 years (there were those good days though) - and this has effected them. Now the home environment is so much more peaceful and organized. She spent so much time with the children over the years that I guess the effect is two-fold:

 

A) Its good she's gone because the cloud of depression/despair has lifted

B) Its bad she's gone because she is the MOM and was the primary nurturer/caregiver.

 

To DN: My wife needs at least (1) year - probably (2) to get her head back on straight - FOR ALL CONCERNED.

 

 

 

We are involved in family counseling - as this has seemed to effect my 12 year girl old the most - my wife was very close to her (she was her "helper" & friend).

 

Hey - I'm so glad I found all of you out there in "cyberland". It has indeed been a rough road - AND YOU KNOW WHAT? It is SOOOO much better to share it with people who have traveled along the way. Keep it up.

 

Today

[Beec]

Jeff777,

 

I have not walked in your shoes, but I've felt someone betray my trust, and vice versa, and I know how hard it is to get that back. Sometimes, it never comes back and cannot come back. Sometimes the damage done is too much, too deep, too, too . . . . I think with your wife, that your major question will be can you ever trust her and what she will need to do to show you that she can be trusted. To some extent, you will have some intereaction with her, but you will need to limit it to how much you can trust her. And she probably is going to need to get on the striaght nad narrow and stay there for quite a while in order for you to begin to trust her. I may want to reform, but the flesh is weak, and only after finding the strength the stick to it for a while, should you believe it's for real.

 

Still, then, it will be tough for you to ever accept her as a wife, and Id oubt you will be. I think your path as a couple has ended and you are right in the your paths are diverging. However, I think you should still hope for and work for the best for her, which will really help your kids, and have no doubt you will.

 

Good luck.

 

And take your time with getting things going with the old flame, but at the same time, it might be wise to indicate some interest. If you want an idea how to do that, ask.

[Jeff777]

Beec,

The old flame part of my story is a curious one indeed. (We've both told each other that we deeply love each other & feel that we've been brought back together to be together).

 

Over the years in one's life (we often look back) I thought of all the people I've known - and this lady from my past was always the one (I had dated her for three months in 1974 and had to leave due to our living in two different states) I knew I had had that special "connection" with.

 

The really odd thing was that in March of 2005 unbeknowst to the both of us - we were both trying to find each other - she was trying to look me up on the internet (my address), and I was trying to locate her Dad's address via the internet.

 

Then I wrote a letter to her Dad inquiring as to how she was doing - but never mailed it (It sat on my desk for a year) until my wife had left the house to go be with my brother.

 

Now I've heard all about "rebound relationships", etc. And My lifelong friend says "don't go from the frying pan into the fire", but my heart seems to be telling me that this woman was placed into my life for a purpose - But part of this is figuring out what purpose.

 

A) To greatly help me through my trial? or to

B) Spend the rest of my her in a mutually working relationship where she could help me raise my (4) kids in a good environment.

 

I do dearly love this woman (We've been talking incessantly since 4/06 and have seen each other on (3) different occaisons) and somehow or other it doesn't seem like a "rebound relationship". However, I will not rush into anything.

 

And of course I'm skittish due to my wife's actions over the past year (I still need healing - yeah).

Hey - I like the C.S. Lewis quote. Love is not a feeling. Feelings come and they go man. It is the desire to do the best for the other person.

 

Thanks Beec.

[Beec]

You're welcome.

 

I like your attitude in regard to the old flame. Take your time, heal, and if she really is all that when you feel healed, don't hesitate with her.

[zerohalo]

Jeff,

 

I'm going to be very honest here. Move on. You responded to one of my posts and mentioned you were going through something similar. The reality is, this woman has completely betrayed you and is spiraling down. Her 'love' she is confessing? Seriously bud, SHE'S IN JAIL. Honestly I don't think she's hit her bottom yet, and until she hits it and picks herself up from it, there is no hope.

 

Do you really want a depressed drug user helping you raise your children? Just put out of your head for a second that she's "Their Mother", all too often people use that reason to justify holding a marraige together. Your daughter is going through a rough time, but how much rougher would it be to put that destructive woman back into your family unit?

 

If you believe in fate (and obviously you strongly believe in god), and you really do love this woman from your past, I think that's fantastic. I don't think you should actually do anything with her until your kids can accept that though. This is undoubtedly very hard on all of you, but your daughter is going to resent this woman until she can get some peace first.

[Jeff777]

I know. My wife (soon to be ex) will have a long road ahead of her on her way to recovery. She IS NOT coming back to live with us any time soon - this is certain.

 

Her road to healing (as many times it is I think) is on a separate path from mine. You know, she didn't want my advice for many years (thought I was against her) - so this is how I knew she had to travel the road herself.

 

Back in early April of last year when I realized she was desperately in love with my brother - I changed my tune. I let her go from my heart & said that maybe she needed to be with him.

 

Before that I was the typical ranting, jealous, "who're you talking to", idiot husband. Holding onto what? A marriage that hadn't been working for the last 6-8 years?

 

Letting go was the first step to more sanity in my life. Otherwise, with my Irish temper - who knows - the cops were at my house one too many times as it was. I guess I let go and let God - but really didn't see it that way at the time.

 

You are in my thoughts and prayers brother.

[prtygrl1973]

i do not have a lot of time right now... but short answer is

 

YES

 

if you have time and are willing ...

 

Im going through it right now

[Jeff777]

But how can I ever live with her knowing that she lied, had sex with my brother, stole money from me & felt I was scum?

 

If you were a man that is the equivalent of having a 2 ton boot kick you in the family jewels.

 

I don't know if I ever can get past it, even with the Lord's help.