If it is a 'slow burner' how do I know if I should start the relationship?

[naranja]

Some people say that relationships can start slowly, and they don't feel much for the person at the beginning, and then over time they fall in love. I've always had this idea that I should be passionately in love with the person at the beginning or I don't start the relationship, but I think I choose the wrong guys (ie don't like to commit).

 

So....there is this nice guy who likes me, but I'm not sure if I like him or not. I mean, he seems like a good guy, responsible, intelligent, good looking, has the same goals as I do...logically a good catch. If I could fall in love with him, I could see my life working out extremely well. But I don't feel a huge attraction or major interest in him. Should I wait a few months and see what happens? Or should I wait to find someone who really sparks my interest? I'm completely inexperienced with the 'slow burn' idea in relationships....

 

I need advice!

[annie24]

Hi - I am kind of in the same boat as you right now! I have had many of those "fast burn" type relationships, and where did they land me? on enotalone. LOL I think that the slow burn theory makes sense, especially if you have a history of falling deeply for a person right away and then it turns into a train wreck 2 weeks later. Afterall, how can you love a person before you know them?

 

Yeah, I think giving things a few months to see where they go is good. Or at least go on a few dates with him. and if you still don't like him after that time, then tell him you don't want to take things further.

 

I think, in general, it is good to identify our "destructive" patterns and try to not make the same mistakes over and over again.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

All my fast burn attractions ended up being bitter disappointments. I end up filling in the blanks about her with what ever I want and fall fast for an image. The real person is never as good as the image in my mind. What's a few months to wait and see if this thing clicks?

[unknownLover]

I started a relationship like this, and it lasted for 2 years. I finally broke up with him because I ended up with no physical attraction to him, what little bit the relationship had started with faded in the 2 years. I kept fantasizing about other men constantly, and it wasn't healthy for the relationship. Looking back, I miss so many things about him, he is so wonderful in so many ways. But I don't regret the break-up, because that spark is so important.

I don't know how your relationship wil wind up if you pursue it. It depends on both him and you because every relationship will be different. This is just my experience with it.

[TheRedQueen]

Fast-burn attractions, though fun, are most definitely fleeting. Slow-burn attraction however, is the very stuff sustainable relationships are made of.

[laboheme]

I think there needs to be a healthy balance between the two. I agree that a whirlwind romance can lead to bitter disappointment because there is no solid foundation to the relationship, only physical attraction. However, if you have to convince yourself to like the guy and force yourself to go on those first few dates on him, hoping that you'll end up liking him enough to consider a relationship, that's also no good. So I'd say that you don't have to be completely enamored with him after the first date...but you also have to be intrigued enough to want a second date without major prodding by other people.