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Men: How do you feel if a woman contacts you after the first date?

violingirl

By violingirl
in Dating Advice

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

Posted
Posted
Could a guy possibly be interested in a woman if he hasn't called her 3 1/2 days after the first date?

 

Absolutely. If he has a job like mine or yours he may have come back to a fire drill at work, he may be ill, there may have been a family emergency, etc. Look, in my experience when there was a high interest level I heard within 24 hours but stranger things have happened.

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hosswhispra Mentor

hosswhispra

Posted
Posted
I also wonder whether men in their late 30s/early 40s share the same viewpoint as men in their 20s regarding contact by the woman after the date. Are younger men more accepting of it and accustomed to it than the "older" men?

 

From my personal experience, younger men (in their 20's) are more accepting of it. I am 32 and have dated men who were 5-6 years younger than me and they are more accepting of it. Men my age and older---well in my experience---no way.

 

I actually share Batya's view on this.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

Posted
Posted
Hey if that message is going to 'freak him out', you don't want him anyway...

 

I would only want a relationship where I can be myself ... and a message like you have send I could have send to... nothing wrong with that. It's the wrong man if he can't handle that.

 

Good luck!

 

However, is it "being yourself" if you meet someone once, are totally and crazily smitten, and then are overtaken by insecurities that he won't call even though he said he would, so you call him because you cannot take waiting even two days for him to call you. He then hears this needy voice on the other end of someone he barely knows and is turned off.

 

Technically, you were "being yourself" but if you consider it, in that smitten, insecure fog you did not behave as you usually do (which let's say is reasonably confident with a healthy sense of self esteem). Do you really want this new person in your life to see the side of you that comes out when you are infatuated and insecure or would it be better to look to some objective guidelines that suggest "if the man said he would call after a first date, don't jump the gun and call him right away - let him pursue you in that early stage even if you are smitten." I always went with the latter which meant that I did not have to reveal my vulnerabilities that came out when I was initially smitten to a person who might not be ready to be subjected to them.

 

It's a bit like drunk dialing - and people who make sure not to have their cell phones with them so they won't - if they drunk dialed they would be "being themselves" but "just being yourself" is not always the best course with someone you don't know well at all.

 

I once had a second date and was on the fence about whether to see him again. The next morning he called and I said I needed to call him back because I was busy (I was). I decided I would call him later that afternoon (we had no plans to see each other). 1.5 hours later he called again and left a loooongggg message about how he was worried that I had not called him back, he was insecure about whether I liked him, etc. Blech. Too much too soon - and selfish to burden me, a new person in his life, with his insecurities. All I knew of him was the two dates and that panicky voicemail. I figured - hmmm if he is that insecure after two dates, I wonder how he'll be after 6 dates if he calls me at work and I don't call back right away? Who needs that?? Next.

 

Smitten-ness can make us do crazy things -better to do those crazy things internally or talk to a trusted friend, then call the brand new love interest and let him see you metaphorically naked.

 

And no I do not think this is how the OP behaved AT ALL. I just disagree with the "just be yourself' when it comes to who calls who after an early date.

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Thunderforce Enthusiast

Thunderforce

Posted
Posted

Hey Batya I understand what you mean ... but I will always play it cool and don't expect the worse... With that attitude I never get in trouble with calling, texting or mailing a guy. And having that said, it's just how you interact: if you say something like, hey why don't I hear from you. Yeah that's not good... but I will put it different something like: 'he dude, I was thinking about you and just check in how you are doing'

 

Most of the time I get a real enthousiastic reply. And having that said. I had two long relationships with men where I kind of initiated ... well ofcourse I felt that they were into me so I didn't feel worried about getting rejected.

It eventually didn't work out because of different goals in life.

 

The last very short fling were I was heartbroken about and came to these boards was a guy who in the beginning initiated all contact and where I stayed receptive with, kind of following M/V-principles. I had done that one time before and didn't work out either ... so I now came back to my scenses and just be myself again, if I like someone I just go for it in a not vulnerable way though... just keep it simple and cool.

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Luke Skywalker Mentor

Luke Skywalker

Posted
Posted

It may have happened 'once'. I felt VERY uncomfortable because I'm not used to stuff like that and feel I'd have to reciprocate something in order to 'maintain it' as I dont want to 'lose it' and end up tripping myself, or just enjoy something like that happening like an anolomy in my life that I'd just freeze and not know what to do, possibly not even replying back or doing anything, or doing something crazy like setting up a date and cancelling.

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