Men: How do you feel if a woman contacts you after the first date?

[violingirl]

On Saturday night, I had a great first date with a guy I'd like to see again and I'm debating whether to e-mail him or to wait for his phone call.

 

This is a question for the men here: How do you/would you feel if a woman contacts you several days after a first date? Would you (1) feel flattered, treat it as a compliment and admire the woman for being forward and not playing games or (2) would you think that she is desperate/needy and/or something is wrong with her?

[tictactoe2006]

I would feel pretty good about it. Definitely shows you're interested.

[Tealc]

I never understood the whole needy/clingy bit. To me, clinginess is calling me like there's no tomorrow and not even giving me time to breathe.

 

I would be thrilled if someone put in the effort to follow up, particularly if the date didn't end with an obvious "there will be a next time" vibe.

[paulm]

Yeah, call him back.

 

Guys never know how soon is appropriate to call back - wish the girl would more often myself.

[elithepi]

It's cool to call. But have something to say. Maybe you could make the plan for the next date. That, in my opinion, would be pretty cool.

[violingirl]

Thanks, guys. I've always wondered what the male point of view was on this.

[Northalius]

I'd feel #1, without a doubt! That is, as long as the last date went well.

 

As Teal'c was implying: Don't feel as if it's clingy to contact someone a few days later; it's not clingy at all. If you're calling him 3-4 times a day, 2-3 hours each call, THEN you know somethings up in the 'clingy department'... lol!

[Batya33]

I do NOT want to hijack this thread (particularly since I am not of the gender who is supposed to offer an opinion, so I won't) but I was wondering, how many of you have had happy long term relationships with women who did most of the calling and initiating in the beginning (i.e the first five to ten dates) or alternatively, who called to ask you for the first or second date (but then put the ball in your court)?

 

I will say that I cringe slightly if I tell a man that I will call him if I am interested and instead he calls me - I feel somewhat the same in platonic relationships - but perhaps I am overly sensitive to feeling crowded by another person.

[violingirl]

Does anyone else care to weigh in on this?

[Biffy]

Call him, why should the guy do all the work!?

[dogheadma]

If I was really interested in someone who I felt I had a connection with, then I would be pleased and flattered that she called.

 

If, however, I wasn't interested or the date didn't go particularly well, as much as I hate to admit it, my opinion might run more towards the clingy/needy side of the spectrum.

 

I guess what I'm saying is if the date went well and the two of you were hitting it off, then go for it! I'm sure he would like that!

[J6hn]

It shows interest in him.

It shows you've been thinking of him.

 

Any guy loves knowing this and if the first date went well then he should be more than happy to do it again.

[Batya33]

My guess is it also depends on age. I am 40, been dating on and off for about 25 years. Perhaps men in their early 20s and younger today are more accustomed to girls/women doing the initiating. It also depends on what type of guy you're looking for. More traditional types might be more comfortable doing most of the initiating, etc.

 

It's probably difficult to turn off a man who is highly interested in you after a first date just by calling him or emailing but of course in my experience if he is highly interested and you expressed at least moderate interest in return you either get asked out for a second date during the first date or you hear from him within 24 hours (which with email is far easier these days). So, in those cases there is no need to call because he'll beat you to the punch every time.

 

Where the interest is not high level and/or he just met another great person the night before, the woman calling where it was left that the man would call the woman might turn him off some.

[yahoo2]

Batya, you're speculating about something that just don't happen. At least not to me and my circle of friends/acquaintances.

 

The most I've ever heard of/received in the way of interest from women is the occasional phone call or text message, and darn few of those. Most women figure that a phone is a one way device, only designed to take incoming calls from men.

 

I can't remember EVER having a woman doing all the initiating, or even more than a small fraction of it. Typically, they prefer to keep you guessing whether they even care at all. Usually you find out about their interest only if you're spinning other plates and are truly occupied yourself, and they are aware of this fact.

 

Women have this weird radar that says you're only desirable if you're dating lots of other women-sorta the harem effect. (Obviously my experience, not a generalization).

 

Most women shouldn't worry about throwing out the occasional contact to see what the guy is doing. This happens so infrequently (woman radar here) because they know not to overdo it. If you see that the guy is getting distant because you keep breaking/turning down dates, then yeah, ramp up the attention a little, because you're giving him nothing to go on. This is a much more likely scenario than what you're postulating.

[Tealc]

Some additional thoughts from a free Jaffa.

 

Lots of people post here asking if they should wait to contact someone and for how long. I think we have a tendency to overthink these things because when we have something good fermenting, we so badly do not want to screw it up. That's perfectly understandable.

 

My philosophy is to just do what's natural. Contacting him at a particular time is just that: a phone call, e-mail, whathaveyou. It does not imply that you're clingy. It does not imply that you're going to be smothering him with phone calls day in, day out. It does not even imply that you're going to be setting up dates or taking on the overall role of pursuer.

 

If contacting someone excessively after a first date turned out to be natural for you, then at least you'll have revealed to yourself an issue that you can begin to address.

 

If he has doubts about where you stand, getting in touch with him for a brief chat will help clear that up. At the same time, you'll be able to gauge his enthusiasm in hearing back from you. The ball will unambiguously be in his court as well. You'll save yourself some thumb twiddling and second guessing. "Oh, if I only said or did this or that, he'd be calling me by now..."

 

I'd love to hear back from others on this.

[Batya33]

what you describe has never been my experience or those of my friends. it sounds like the particular women you know are into the thrill of the chase or the challenge mainly.

[Batya33]

I can only speak for myself and the people I know but the problem with "do what's natural" is very tough to discern because if you are very interested in someone and insecure you may make poor decisions on whether and how much to contact. Talking to objective outsiders - even reading the dreaded "rules" can provide some guidance (my mother and sister were my litmus tests of rationality and saved me from making some bad or at least unproductive decisions when it came to contacting men).

[yahoo2]

Okay, I'll clarify a bit.

 

In the initial phases, the woman lets the man do all the initiating. (My experience). She lets him call, etc. etc.

 

If/when she gets more comfortable with you, and regards you as a prospect, well, then, she opens up a lot more.

 

I think a lot of the reasons we disagree is that we are of different genders. And I'm including all dating experiences, successful as well as unsucessful.

 

They have one common thread. Women here want the man to do the initiative thing on the first few dates.

 

It would be great if it were different, and I'm getting suggestions here that it is (my experience) not true elsewhere. If so, could you tell me where these places are so I could visit them sometime?

[Batya33]

Okay, I'll clarify a bit.

 

In the initial phases, the woman lets the man do all the initiating. (My experience). She lets him call, etc. etc.

 

If/when she gets more comfortable with you, and regards you as a prospect, well, then, she opens up a lot more.

 

I think a lot of the reasons we disagree is that we are of different genders. And I'm including all dating experiences, successful as well as unsucessful.

 

They have one common thread. Women here want the man to do the initiative thing on the first few dates.

 

It would be great if it were different, and I'm getting suggestions here that it is (my experience) not true elsewhere. If so, could you tell me where these places are so I could visit them sometime?

 

My guess is that teenagers and low 20s do more of the girls initiating. I also would venture a guess (based on little information) that if you join a radical feminist or ultra-liberal group that the women and men take turns initiating even in the early stages.

[yahoo2]

Strangely, the feminist women I've been around also wait for the man to take the initiative.

 

There are some behaviors even the feminist will not abandon.

[Batya33]

Strangely, the feminist women I've been around also wait for the man to take the initiative.

 

There are some behaviors even the feminist will not abandon.

 

Well, I will say this - I personally don't see a connection between how I am treated in a courting context (yes I still refer to it that way, at times - for those of you who don't I mean the initial stages of dating although it probably used to cover all dating up till engagement . . ) and how I am treated at work. I am not a feminist, as I mentioned, but I do believe in equal pay for equal work whether the person is a woman, a minority, etc. despite also believing that in my personal romantic life, the man should do most of the initiating in the beginning - my role is also active, but different, as I discussed above. Since that is my personal life, I don't find it inconsistent with my "career hat" and how I expect to be treated equally in the work place - apples and oranges, two different spheres.

 

I was just speculating that some feminists might carry their political beliefs into the dating arena - particularly those heavily involved in a feminist political group.

 

As far as will not abandon, perhaps those women you refer to, like myself, see that to do most of the initiating in the beginning is ineffective if what is sought is a long term relationship. I would gladly "abandon" the practice if I started to see around me enough examples of the opposite approach being a success.

 

Just to be clear, I am not of the camp that I "play" "hard to get" - if the man does call me (and I am interested in dating him), his call gets returned promptly, he is made to feel glad for calling (because I mean that sincerely) and he gets appreciation from me for putting the effort into planning a date - he also gets someone who is appreciative, enthusiastic and warm on the date and someone who is sincerely interested in what is going on in his life, whatever he chooses to share with me, and someone who wants to help if help is needed - with doing a resume, visiting a sick relative, introducing him to a business prospect, etc.

[violingirl]

I also wonder whether men in their late 30s/early 40s share the same viewpoint as men in their 20s regarding contact by the woman after the date. Are younger men more accepting of it and accustomed to it than the "older" men?

[Batya33]

I also wonder whether men in their late 30s/early 40s share the same viewpoint as men in their 20s regarding contact by the woman after the date. Are younger men more accepting of it and accustomed to it than the "older" men?

 

 

Yes, it could be although it also depends how they were raised, if they're the more conservative type, etc. My teenage nieces seem to be somewhat more aggressive/assertive with "boys" but I still hear from them about the traditional roles, etc. My bf said, somewhat sheepishly, that even though he would be totally up for helping me clear the dishes after we have a meal he "likes" when I do it - he likes seeing me be domestic just like I "like" when he is my "protector." Who knows - maybe a young guy would find that cringe-worthy - I kinda like it and actually I do like being the one to clear the table, etc (and not just so that my plates don't break, lol).

 

What I do not relate to are women who ask out men as some sort of "feminist" statement - to me, look, you want to take on that role, go ahead - it's really no big deal - but to do it to make some sort of statement is a bit over the top. Better to make a statement like that in the political or corporate sphere.

[violingirl]

Oh no, I would never do it to make any sort of "statement", feminist or otherwise. I'm a rather traditional person, with some feminist tendencies (especially professionally). Personally, I've always preferred having the man take the lead, but I've also considered giving the guy a "nudge" to show him that I'm still interested. Whether or not such a "nudge" is welcome or not in any particular case is the big question mark in my head. Plus, like you, once a relationship is established, I enjoy initiating making plans, being helpful, etc.

 

It's just the beginning stages that perplex me beyond belief, as in "how do I know if he is really interested in me and wants to see me again?" and "how can I maximize my chances of that happening?"

[Budman]

depends on the guy, personally wouldn't bother me.

 

However, having 30 messages on my answering machine from the girl within the 20 minutes it took me to get home. That would bother me.