Ex dumps me and she still wants to talk...why!

[don87gn]

I will briefly describe what has happened to me. 1 month ago my girlfriend of 1.5 years out of the blue just dumps me. She is 18 and I am 20. She is now in college but only an hour away from me. Anyways she told me that the relationship was getting "boring" and we were doing the same old stuff all the time and that she was bored with me...I told her that I wasn't bored with her and that I loved her very much regardless if we did the same stuff all the time...I treated her like a goddess. I have taken her EVERYWHERE, bought her EVERYTHING, and done all the little things for her...I was her first real true love and she is my first too...I just don't understand how I was "boring" to her...hell I even took her ass to 2 of the baddest concerts in a two week span.

 

but then all of a sudden she meets this guy at a fair and 3 days later she dumps me (doesn't even tell me about the guy until 1 week later) we didn't talk for a week...then one day she emails me telling me to call her...so I did and we talked...I asked why this all happened and she told me everything...she said that this guy she met was the icing on the cake as far as if she really wanted to break up with me...she told me that she wasn't going to tell me about the guy ever because she didn't want me to know and didn't want me to get hurt so bad...but she made it worse by not telling me and then telling me...

 

anyways we have been talking via email mostly lately and I have called her a few times (per her request) and she seems very interested in what I am doing and stuff...i told her i was partying alot more now and that i met this one girl and we are somewhat seeing each other but i can't go any further than that because i can't get over my ex...she told me that this guy she is seeing isn't gonna last much longer and that she doesn't want to lead me on but she said she may or may not want to get back with me sometime in the future...i told her i am not gonna make that decision for you...you have alot of making up to do and you have a lot of growing up to do before i can take you back...she said that she will think about it...does this sound like she wants to get back with me? i mean she wants to talk to me, she still cares for me...sounds like she is missing everything good i gave her and that not alot of other guys are going to be able to do the same...especially this guy...so what do i do? right now i am playing the single life up to its fullest...i am not waiting around for her to email me or call me but i told her whenever you wanna talk just let me know and i will make time...am i doing the right thing? or should i just cut off contact with her for a while and make her miss me???

[alottalove]

Hey there...

If you want her back as a girlfriend and possibly something more down the road. Tell her! She cheated on you because she is testing the waters. She is "bored" because maybe already you guys are doing "fun" stuff but not deep stuff. A woman needs to know she is the only thing that is important in your life. By you "letting" her go without a fight she is probably thinking you dont care. I know it sounds stupid. When she says she needs time, what she really probably means is if you care enough you will chase me down.

Why did she go elsewhere to begin with.... think about this. You may love her with all your heart, but did you REALLLLLY show her. Girls are weird... they don't always mean what they say.... and they certainly dont always do what they want to do. They do what they think will work to get a rise out of you.

If you want her... tell her... tell her on what terms and then figure out what she really means by "bored" then work on that.

 

Good luck!

[don87gn]

trust me she knows i love her very much and would do anything for her...she just never did it to me...she would occasionally show her love for me but not as much as i did to her...i can't figure out why she left me just because i was "boring" i mean this guy she is seeing isn't exactly mr. right...he is still in high school and 19 years old...doesn't plan on going to college and is going into the navy next year...what future is that (as far as she is concerned?) she is a VERY confused girl right now...I am not sure how much more love i need to give her...she might think i am nuts or weird if i show too much love...like i am obsessed and i am not obsessed...just hurt so much to the point that i don't know why it has all happened...i never got REAL explanations out of her about this breakup and why she went out with this guy...she is still a virgin and she didn't even want to have sex with ME and i was with her for 1.5 years...i just don't get it...sigh...

[waitinvain]

IMO you are doing the wrong thing writing long letters like that. I would have kept it short and sweet, if at all. That letter will probably make her take another step back and have the opposite effect to what you've intended. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think so and I'll explain why: -

 

I made the same mistake recently. She already knows you want her - let her go - she'll come back to you if it's meant to be.

 

What you've just done there is chase her......and now she'll be running away again because you've made her

 

a)feel guilty

b)resent you.

 

You also actually say the word "begging" in your letter. That's a mistake. You write that and it makes you look totally desperate and unattractive, like your life can't go on without them. That will be a big turn-off and make them feel extremely guilty that you are so needy. It it helps I said the same thing too when she was finalising it and it was a mistake. Don't speak from the heart if it's going to make you look desperate. Consider how you'd feel if your girlfriend started moping and begging around you after you dumped her. It wouldn't make you jump to take her back would it? You'd think it was cute for about 2 seconds and then it would be a turn-off.

 

Chasing makes women run. The more you pursue, the more they will run away. "We pursue that which rejects us". Don't forget it.

 

My friend Mark - he's a player. He's a good bloke, but he's a player when it comes to women. He never makes first moves or chases after them, and they are falling over themselves to be with him.

 

Somebody chasing for affection just isn't attractive. It's as simple as that. You have to be strong, get on with your life, let them come after you and see you've moved on. At that point there is a chance.

 

If they think you are a puppy dog on a lead, they won't want to know. They need a man to be strong and resourceful enough to stand on his own two feet. When you write heartfelt messages you are saying you are depending upon them and need them for emotional happiness. That aint attractive.

 

I recently spent 4 weeks chasing my ex before I realised this. Quit now. Be strong and if she wants you she'll come after you. Don't mention relationships to her if she calls - just let her see you're doing OK and having a good time. That will make you interesting.

 

Life isn't fair. There shouldn't be any need for strategies or games, but that is the way it is.

 

Men look for solutions. They think by writing things a certain way they can win love back. Well I don't think you can. The only way a woman is going to come back to you is if you stop chasing after her and she has time to see what she is missing out on by not being with you. It's her decision at the end of the day, not yours. You can't do the thinking FOR HER.

 

Dont know whether that helped , but it's taken me a month to get this cleared in my mind, and I've spoken to a hell of a lot of people about the subject. I wish I had adopted that approach from word go. You have to understand psychology and put yourself in their shoes instead of seeing it from your perspective as somebody that is rejected, missing them and just wants to be with them and in their lives again. They are seeing things from a completely different angle to you! Trust me.

 

Next time ( if there is one ) I get dumped, I'm walking out the door and I'm not even looking back. Strong from day one next time.

 

HTH.

[reborn]

I think waitinginvain, hit it right on the nail. Her coments were really great. I totally agree with what she said about your letter.

I hope you didn't send it. If you haven't please don't. I mean do what you want. But that type of letter when read by the other can do more harm than good. Sometimes the best strategy is to just play it cool.

I was going to write a message congratulating you at first. congratulating you because it seems that you were moving on with your life, living the single life to the fullest while keeping negotiation door open to her. I liked your answers to her about her coming back. Like you have a lot of growing up to do before I take you back. If this was said in a gentle not angry way, I think it can have a great effect on someone. It can make them think about what they did wrong in the relationship and about changing it if they really want you back. It is like she expressed maybe coming back yet you put your conditions too, not jumping or biting the bait right away. I thought that was really good and healthy and the right way to go about it.

But then I read your letter, and was like OMG, I hope he didn't send this. Sometimes we want to express a lot of emotions to our exs. But somebody told me something once that I have never forgotten

Of course she has hurt you and acted in an imature and disconsiderate way, but she may say the same about you. Everybody has there side you know, and probably she didn't do things purposely to hurt you or because she was evil. It was probably the best reactions she could have at the time. Again I am not defending her, but maybe it would have been better for you to workout this anger withing your self by your self. Blaming does not work well at all in this situations. In fact it pushes people farther away even than if you persue them.

I don't know what has happened if you in fact mailed this letter. Keep us posted and good luck.

reborn

[don87gn]

guys you are right...i made a mistake in making that email...i just wrote her an email back that said this :

 

Kristina...I just woke up this morning and realized that that email I sent you last night was stupid...I am sorry for writing the whole thing...my mind is all mixed up right now as well as yours...I have no room to talk...I had alot on my mind last night and for some reason I got the nerve to put it all down on email like that...I am sorry...don't take that email too seriously...I am just gonna be patient with you and live my life and try not to think about you so much...chasing after you like I am isn't gonna do anything positive...if you still want to talk I will be here for you...but I am sorry for writing that email...you have to forgive me because this is my first time going through such a situation and I don't know how to handle it yet...talk to you later...

 

hopefully she understands...i already sent that email out last night though...yeah i am kicking myself right now...i am so hurtT½I[ht now that i am doing stupid things...

[strawberrywine]

If you really want this girl back, ignore her. If you keep talking to her she's not going to miss you, she's having her cake and eating it too. From a female standpoint, I believe this girl wants to be free to see what's out there..but she wants to keep you around just in case, so she leads you on with the emails. Please don't chase her..it's obviously your decision but by begging her to come back to you she'll never appreciate and respect you, even if she does come back. I know it's hard, I'm going through the same thing right now..but you just can't beg her. SHE should be begging YOU!! She should be realizing that NO guy will treat her how you did, and NO guy will put up with what you're putting up with. Just ignore her for a week and see what happens.

[dmvcc1]

my ex broke up with me about 2 months ago now...We have not spoken in over a month. The last time we talked, we had plans to go out and she blew me off at 8:30 on a sat. night...she said she would call in a few days and although I told her I did not think that was a good idea, I thought she would call anyway...she did not, I have not picked up the phone either..she wanted to stay friends but puts in no effort to do so...two weeks ago, her daughter turned two...I mailed a card for her and really thought that would warrant a phone call, but nothing...I have been going out with new people and even have my eye on someone right now, but I cannot stop thinking about my ex...on and off for 7 years is tough to just walk away from...I am not hoping for someone to tell me that she will call, but that with time, this will get easier..she is my first true love and what I thought to be my soulmate...i guess i expect a bit too much from people

[jin_2x]

 

 

wow, I dunno how old this thread is but I just wanted to say thank you to the person who wrote this reply. What you wrote made alot of sense, and now it kinda makes me feel like a fool for chasing after my ex gf. Anyways, thanx.

[don87gn]

well i just called her cell phone and left her a message...i know she hasn't read the email yet because she has been at work all day...but i left a message saying don't read my email from last night...just delete...i told her to please do me a favor and just don't read it at all and just delete it...it was stupid and i was in one of those moods and the email should have never even been created...she's usually good about this and she did it one time before we broke up (deleting an email upon my request) so i think i am safe...i am just now gonna ignore her for a while and see what happens...she will come back i just have to give it time...but by no means i am waiting around for her...if a girl decides to show me affection soon i am jumping all over it...thanks for the advice guys and now i realize things

[zerohour]

Don,

 

Don't worry. Don't feel stupid for writing the email--it's everyone's first reaction to write something like that in order to let your ex know how you feel. What's important to realize is that this isn't a situation that words can fix. If anything, words will work against you. It is 100% emotional, and by telling her how much you still care about her you're just going to make her feel guilty, but you're not going to change her mind in your favor.

 

If you really feel the need to write your feelings down, I would recommend doing so and then just saving them in a folder on your computer somewhere. I've got probably half a dozen relatively long letters that I wrote to my ex before, during and after our breakup that haven't been sent (and never will). It's a good idea to wait until your head is clear before sending those long "this is how I feel" letters. Usually they're more for yourself than they are for her, and the simple act of writing them without actually sending them will produce a desirable result. When you feel like you're really over this girl, go back and read the letters and see if you still think it would be a good idea to send them. I'll bet you'll be thankful that they just sat in a folder on your computer instead of made their way to her inbox.

 

If she really wants to get back together (and I mean really), then let her figure out what she needs to do to get you back. Don't pave the trail for her.

 

Peace,

-Zer0

[don87gn]

thanks man...i feel better now but this is so hard on me right now...she was my first real true love and i never had a problem with her...she just up and dumps me out of the blue and now i don't know how to handle it...i miss her so much, i miss our lifestyle we had together...i miss everything...i guess all i can do now is just let things happen and just not talk to her...maybe one day she will come to her senses...maybe not...only god knows