Are they really my friends?

[Phoenix_girl]

I need advice on something, but I'm not sure how to explain it so I apologize if this doesn't make to much sense.

I have just had my 23rd birthday and I have a rather embarrassing admission to make - I've never really had a real friend, and I don't know why.

Sure in kindergarten and the early grades your friends with everyone, but then groups start forming etc (you've all probably been through it). I was an akward child - very shy, very non-confrontational. This carried over into my teenage years as well. So making friends for me has been very difficult.

I hung around with the same group of people for elementary and secondary school, even though they treated me like dirt. I was afraid to move away from them because they were all I had known. Eventually i did break away from them and I spent my last year of highschool pretty much alone.

I need to clarify - I have had many many acquaintences, people I talk to at school, work, etc. But very very few of these have evolved into friendships.

I was sheltered when i lived at home - i was only allowed to go to school and come home, nothing else, so I didn't really develop the necessary social skills that would be considered "normal".

Now I am on my own. Through University i made some friends...or i thought they were friends. Most of them turned out to be mild acquantences, and the others turned out to be basically my highschool friends revisited. The few that i consider "friends" now.... well that is where this really begins. I don't know if they really are my friends.

Non of them call me. The only time i talk to them is on MSN, and that's usually if i message them first, and the conversations never last more then like 10 minutes. I've had a couple of parties and very few of them have come, i never go out anywhere with them. I just don't know what to do or think. My best friend isn't really any different...well he is a little. I talk to him more, but i hardly ever see him (and this friendship is complicated by the fact that i may have a thing for him and he's convinced i do). But he never asks me to do anything or hang out with him. He's having a house party for new years, and even though we have talked about it, he hasnt invited me (he lives in Oshawa, and I'm in Toronto so its possible he didnt ask cause he knows i dont really have a way to get there). New Years is why this has really hit me - I'm tired of being lonely and spending my friday and sat nights alone. Any advice? How do i know if they are really my friends? How do i make new friends?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Friends. Hard to know who is really a friend these days. When I moved back to my hometown, I made a new group of friends. We went out every weekend. I am a very giving person and always go the extra mile for people. Unfortunately when I needed their help, they weren't there for me.

 

Bottom line, just because you see people all the time doesn't mean they are REALLY your friends. Some people you won't see very often but when you are in a crisis, they are there for you....those are your true friends.

 

As for finding people to be with, try social activties, joining a church/synagogue/mosque/temple group (depending on your religion). There is a group called Meetup which has various types of social outings depending on your interests. They are in many cities and I am sure they have some groups in Toronto. link removed

[Phoenix_girl]

Well, other then my best friend, none of my friends are really there for me when I'm in crisis, but they come running when they are having problems. I give of myself all the time and I'm exhausted. I just wish i could hang out with someone and watch a movie sometime.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, other then my best friend, none of my friends are really there for me when I'm in crisis, but they come running when they are having problems

 

Sigh, I know that scenario very well!

[arrrrffff]

First, you have people that care for you here. That's a start. =]

 

I get what your saying. Friends are rare. It's not just you.

 

A friend is someone who is there for you when you least expect it. They don't judge you, and genuinly care for you. They will set aside time when you want to talk.

 

Most people we hang around with do not fit that defination.

 

The only way your are going to gain friends is to actually meet them. Don't fear rejection. Actively go out and find things you love to do, and you will find people.

 

You also have to communicate - talk to the people around you. You can eneter a room, bus, mall etc... and you find most people do not talk. Stand out! Start talking, and you will find someone who will want to.

 

PM sent.

[Phoenix_girl]

to add to all the funness with my friends, my best friend is convinced i have a thing for him (see my post in the the dating category entitled friendship vs love whats a girl to choose). We have never really spent more then like 20 min alone together, and I feel like it's because he is convinced i have a thing for him (I MIGHT, but even i'm not 100% sure) and he either doesn't trust himself around me, or he thinks that i would try something. I think he's convinced himself that a relationship between us would never work so he doesnt want to risk hurting the friendship by letting something happen......but his remaining distant IS hurting our friendship. How do i talk to him about this (advice from guys about this one would be helpful)?

[Lboogie23]

i can really understand where your coming from. I'm a lot like you. I 'v never been one to have a lot of friends and i always figured it was bc i was so standoffish and non confrontational. It always seemed like i was there for everyone else and then when it came time for me to go through something, no one could be reached. I say, don't sell yourself short. You know what you have been putting out there, you deserve the same in return. I have one good girlfriend that i talk to and trust and i thank God for her, other people just remain as aquaintances. Just be you and you will find a good friend, good luck!!!

[Phoenix_girl]

Ok apparently (as my friend who will remain nameless) has jsut pointed out.....I'm never happy.

I am prone to depression, and right now my life is in the toilet....I dont have a lot to be happy about. But generally I am a happy person. I enjoy life.

But the only time I talk to people is on MSN....and I hate MSN cause there is always some sort of misunderstanding, or someone interprets things wrong etc. I jsut hate it. But I'm always on it, because its the only time i hear from people.....I've given up MSN for a while and no one noticed or cared. I got it back only because I was going crazy from never hearing from anyone.

 

So apparently, according to this friend, I never hear from anyone because I'm never happy.........

[shy2cool]

Wow, your story is all too familiar.