I really want my bf back (long)

[Ellie24]

It’s been about two weeks since my ex-boyfriend (my second boyfriend) broke up with me and I’m still trying to figure out how I should respond to it.

 

We were friends for a few months before he asked me out. At the time, he knew I was still emotionally invested in my first relationship, but he asked me out anyway, thinking that he could help me move on.

 

My first relationship started while I was in high school. My mom didn’t agree with me dating at such a young age and she and I constantly fought. This eventually led me to fall into a deep depression. I didn’t fully get over my depression until I was in my junior year of college. All the while, my first boyfriend stuck by me, even though I became almost entirely dependant on him and he became pretty depressed himself. Throughout most of the relationship with my first boyfriend, I realized that he probably wasn’t the one for me, but I was too attached and dependant on him to let him go.

 

When I finally came out of my depression, I decided I wanted to break up with him, as I no longer needed him and fully realized that we weren’t right for each other. This was after we’d spent nearly seven years in a relationship.

 

My first boyfriend and I knew that it would be best if we had no contact but we still continued to talk on the phone and see each other, even having sex. I’ve broken up with him countless times before, but I always went back to him because I was too scared to be alone. I wanted this breakup to be for good, but I think all my actions in the past led him to believe we would eventually get back together.

 

After spending about six months “alone” I began to think that I would never find love, and should just stick to my first boyfriend who was my best friend and who I cared about deeply, though didn’t love. We talked about getting back together again and even started talking about the idea of marriage, again.

 

A few days before my first boyfriend and I were to have our big talk about getting back together, a friend of mine asked me to dinner. After dinner, he kissed me and told me that he’d been thinking a lot about me lately and thought that we could be very good together.

 

I ended up going to see my first boyfriend a few days later and realized that my feelings toward him were still exactly the same. I cared about him deeply but did not love him and didn’t think we were right for each other.

 

I saw my friend again after that, and ended up spending the night at his place. I realized when I woke up that morning that we had a lot of potential and I completely broke it off with my first boyfriend and decided to try having a relationship with my friend who became my second boyfriend.

 

I intended on making my relationship with my second boyfriend very light and wanted to take things slow. I was afraid of falling into a routine that would resemble all the problems that I had with my first boyfriend: a lot of insecurity and dependency. However, I fell really hard really fast for him.

 

I still had a lot of feelings for my first boyfriend and about two weeks after I started dating my second boyfriend I realized that I needed to get over the first one. I told my second bf that I needed some time before I could jump into a new relationship. I told him that otherwise, I was afraid I would carry over all my baggage from the first relationship.

 

For some reason, my second bf told me that he wanted to help me, that I could lean on him if I needed to and he would be there for me while I got over the first bf. This did not sound like a good idea at all to me, and I protested for awhile before giving in. I knew even after I gave in that this had a huge chance of failing, but still hoped for the best.

 

This worked out well while we were honeymooning, but about three months into the relationship I started a more demanding job and also started studying for a graduate school entrance exam. At about the same time that this started, he got fired from his job and became more uncertain about where he wanted to be in life. As a result, he started playing computer games about 4-8 hours a day. I would come home after a long day of work, classes, and studying to find him still in his pajamas, playing computer games.

 

I already felt like my life was stressful enough without having to compare myself to my boyfriend who seemed to be loafing around all day.

 

What I didn’t realize at the time was that not only was he very uncertain about what he wanted to do in life, but he started to feel strained because I was leaning on him a lot.

 

We started fighting and it became more and more common.

 

I became very uncertain about what I wanted to do with the relationship because it seemed to be going nowhere, but I believed I wanted to be with him in the future. I constantly felt like he would be a great person to marry one day, but at the moment he just seemed to be confused and needed to find himself. I hoped that by being with him then, that we could ride through the difficult time and that I would be there with him when he did eventually find himself.

 

Our relationship became more of a strain on both of our lives and because of it, I didn’t take my graduate school entrance exam until a year after I intended on taking it. I also stayed in a dead end job because I was often too depressed to look for better work. He continued to not work it also took him an extra semester to finish school because he could no longer handle the workload.

 

We both knew that our relationship wasn’t working but we tried and tried to make it work. We tried many different things but always ended up going back to old patterns, I think mostly because of me.

 

About three months and two weeks ago, he told me he wanted an indefinite break from our relationship. He told me that he cared about me a lot, but that our relationship just wasn’t working anymore and he wanted both of us to completely clear ourselves of the old relationship so that we could start something new.

 

I’m a naturally very insecure person and was afraid that during that time he would find someone else or that I would find someone else. I believed and still believe that he is the one for me, and was so afraid to lose him.

 

At that time we were living together, so I asked him for some time to figure out where each of us would live and how exactly the break would work.

 

I constantly wanted to negotiate the terms of the break and he kept avoiding the topic. I think he wanted time to himself to think about his life. He wanted nearly no contact during the break, except maybe an email once a month, at most. I pushed for more and more contact.. first asking that we email each other sometimes, and then asking for IMs and phone calls. I eventually pushed him to the point that he was considering having lunch with me once a week and having one of us sleep over every few weeks.

 

I kept trying to put off the break because I was hoping we would be able to somehow work things out without it. We didn’t and things got worse and worse. We finally decided to both home back home with our parents, who live about 10 miles away from each other. One of the main reasons I decided to move back was because I was hoping I might be able to see my bf once in awhile during the break.

 

About three days after we started the break, he calls me up and tells me that he got a job offer in another country, and that he decided to take it. He also told me that our relationship has gotten increasingly more painful to bear and that he just wants to break up. He also said that he doesn’t think this has to be forever, he plans on returning back to this country in a few years and that somewhere down the line there’s a chance we might get back together but, it’s something that he doesn’t want to even think about right now.

 

It’s been close to two weeks since we broke up and I’ve come to these conclusions.

 

I want to get back with him. I think I could really love him and I think we could have a great life together. In order for this to work, we both need to drastically change ourselves. I need to work on being more secure and independent. He needs to figure out his life and grow up a bit. To do this, I need to seek counseling and spend a lot of time not being in any new relationships. He’ll need to explore himself and probably the world until he feels ready to come back and try for another relationship.

 

I think that in order for both of us to achieve this, it will take at least a year. I’ll have to get over him first, so that I won’t carry any of our old problems back into the new relationship.

 

Thinking about this, I feel pretty scared. I really have no idea what will happen during that year or more that we are apart. I’m afraid that one or both of us will get into new relationships and I’m also not sure how I’m supposed to let him go with these thoughts of reconciliation in my mind. Also, I miss him a lot. He’s a really great person and I’m sad that I stopped noticing it.

 

What’s also complicating the matter is that I think I’m also dealing with some issues from my first relationship. I’ve tried to be optimistic but it’s just really hard.

 

I would appreciate any thoughts and advice.

[wayner427]

I think it's a good idea to work on being independent. You would be putting yourself in a really tough situation to depend on your ex that's going to be in another country for awhile, especially with limited contact. It would be great if yall ended up back together when he comes back, but I would not rely on that. A lot can happen in a few years.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA Ellie24! Great to have you around here.

 

Well, I think the problems now started before the relationship, when you got together when you were still emotionally invested in the first relationship. That's like trying to climb a mountain with a ton of gear strapped to your back.

 

And what you wrote about getting together because he wanted to help you is a dangerous precedent. You know why? It's a Catch-22 really. He's attracted to helping you but the issues you need help with are hindering your ability to have a healthy relationship. But if you work on those issues to be able to have better relationships, and don't need help anymore, that changes the dynamic of the relationship as he has nothing to "help" anymore. Been there and done that...

 

This coupled with your history with your ex where you say you "broke up with him because you didn't need him anymore". Think about that notion again. Yikes, that's a scary thought...

 

And you recognize you were depressed, dependent, and afraid to let him go. Now you're "pushing" for more contact with this latest guy, planning a reconciliation a year down the road after all these changes have taken place with each of you and being in different countries? I think you have better odds of finding a dollar bill on the side of the road, going into 7-11, single-handedly stopping a robbery in progress with a roll of duct tape, a ballpoint pen, and a paperclip, then playing a winning Powerball ticket, and rescuing a stranded cat from a tree on your way home than have that happen.

 

So your last relationship turned into a rollercoaster ride, and worse yet, saying you're going to do something, i.e., having no contact with him, but then talking, and having sex! Those are the toughest situations to get out of because both of you know the pattern and the words become meaningless.

 

You recognize these patterns from your end which is key. What I suggest is that you forget about dating anyone at this point and work on being happy being alone. Your connection and fabrication of these grandiose plans with this latest guy stems from your fear of letting relationships go which stems from your insecurity which triggers your depression.

 

The same thing is happening here and this is going to develop into a pattern for future relationships if you don't change this.

 

I say let the memories from both these relationships fade, focus on your grad school applications and grad school, and work on your insecurity. Your ideas for doing such are great. Because from what I've read here, it is clear to me that you have hurdles to overcome if you are to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

 

You seem to be really holding onto/forcing this latest guy when he is clearly trying to make an exit. It's hurting him to "bear" this for God's sake. Let him go already. Cut it clean, it's OK to let go and it is OK to be alone.

 

Don't be afraid of the resulting pain. You've got people in your life and here who will help you through that. It really is the best option here I think. Don't stay in a relationship to avoid the pain of separation and/or fear of being alone.

[Ellie24]

I realize that I should be happy and secure being alone first before trying to have a relationship with anyone. But, to some extent, I do feel like my ex and I were meant to be. I'm not sure if it's only my insecurity speaking, or if there's some sort of gut feeling.

 

If I do want a relationship with him somewhere down the line, I guess I should think about it if the time comes again?

 

I realize that for a new relationship with him to work, I would have to completely let him go. Perhaps that something I should focus on now, instead of thinking about unlikely future plans.

 

It's like, I know what I should do, but I'm pretty uncertain about how to do it.

[friscodj]

Hi Ellie-

 

I agree, there is quite the difference between knowing and saying something like this and then actually doing it. It's tough...no doubt...

 

So with that said, with respect to your question above, you just need to do it. Actually, sitting on it thinking about it only makes it harder because as a defense mechanism perhaps your mind will start trying to rationalize the situation and avoid change away from the comfort of familiarity of the present situation. That's called being stuck and you don't want that.

 

So I think the benefits of focusing on yourself and finding happiness and security with yourself and within your own life will pay dividends of gold for any relationship you have, whether it be with this guy or not. I believe you should find happiness and security within yourself to share with someone else vs. making them the source or the relationship the provider of such.