Practical Advice before 'the talk'

[matius]

Quick synopsis...I really think my 2+ year relationship is going to end. My girlfriend is emotional so it won't be easy...even if she happens to agree.

 

I've been reading through a lot of posts and see the recurring NC theme. I realize this is important, but we live together. So I'm just wondering how it can be so clean cut...

 

For example, finding an apartment is one thing. Dealing with re-routing all of the mail, helping with bills for the remainder of the month -- the every day life stuff that is going to be a constant reminder for a while. How do you deal with that and still manage NC?

 

It just seems ruthless to manage everything (get a move-in date, change the address to all mailings, plan out how much you're going to give her for the rest of the month, etc...etc.) -- then pick the date to talk with her and carry it out like a surgeon. Know what I mean? Is this a necessary evil...?

 

Any ideas or past experiences to help minimize the impact?

[DN]

I think it is necessary to plan all this out otherwise it gets even more messy that otherwise. Trying to sort out all those details while emotions are running high is not at all easy.

[annie24]

I had a friend who went through that. He found a new apartment, signed a lease, had a move in day, etc... then he had THE TALK with his gf. He also gave her a check for 2 months rent (until the end of their lease) so she wouldn't have to worry about the rent.

 

good luck, I know this is a tough time.

[matius]

thanks for your comments. what's funny is, no matter how hard I try and rationalize or ask questions that aim at sugar coating the situation ... all leads to one thing: It just sucks.

 

DN - this quote I am very much identifying with right now...

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

[shikashika]

I had a friend who went through that. He found a new apartment, signed a lease, had a move in day, etc... then he had THE TALK with his gf. He also gave her a check for 2 months rent (until the end of their lease) so she wouldn't have to worry about the rent.

 

good luck, I know this is a tough time.

 

oohhh.. what do you think about that one? Personally I would be mad that he hadn't discussed this with me before doing all these things.. and would stay with me while looking for another apartment, changing mail.. etc etc

[annie24]

in my friend's case, his decision was final, the relationship was over, so he just wanted things done as cleanly as possible. I think it was really good of him to pay even her portion of the rent for the remainder of the lease, it certainly wasn't his responsibility.

[shikashika]

in my friend's case, his decision was final, the relationship was over, so he just wanted things done as cleanly as possible. I think it was really good of him to pay even her portion of the rent for the remainder of the lease, it certainly wasn't his responsibility.

 

 

hmnnn yeah its nice about the rent... but I think, even if the relationship is final.. he should have told her first..who knows maybe she was a psycho and deserved it.... it just sounds really horrible to do it that way..

[annie24]

well, I think going back to the original poster's concern, yes, breakups are difficult and it is an emotional time, so it is best to "get all your ducks in a row" before going through the breakup. it is a lot easier I think, to deal with a breakup if you aren't also having to worry about where you will live, or how you will pay the rent.

[matius]

Not to mention bring in the moving truck, have her deal with getting my mail constantly, etc..etc...

 

But I really see both sides to the argument.

[shikashika]

mayeb what annie's friend did is a good idea then... I couldn't imagine doing all that and not telling the person however... even if she was a jerk/emotional/needy whatever

[redandblack]

mayeb what annie's friend did is a good idea then... I couldn't imagine doing all that and not telling the person however... even if she was a jerk/emotional/needy whatever

 

I fell the same way as you. Maybe it's a "necessary evil" or something, or maybe I just don't get it, but this seems really cruel to me. However, I suppose if you're sure that everything is going to be final (relationally), and you're going to sever ties for good, looking out for yourself is what you need to do -- even if it means going behind your significant other's back.

 

Nonetheless, there is always something about the near-end of relationships that rubbed me the wrong way; the different expectations and motivations, the planning of a partner's misery, and the contractual inconsistencies always left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. Call me a sucker, but I'll always be a proponent of open communication.

[matius]

Call me a sucker, but I'll always be a proponent of open communication

 

This is true. The other side of the coin is say perhaps...

 

- You talk, and she throws you out of the house. Might have been good to setup other living arrangements.

 

- Or having to deal with the whole process of moving, exchanging documents, etc...right after the shattering talk.

 

Seems like to me that could be cruel in some ways as well. The idea is to minimize the pain.

 

Perhaps I will take the more organic approach. I don't know, this is my first large scale break up, before either I didn't live with the person or we didn't go out for as long...

[redandblack]

I totally understand that your situation is difficult and complex. If she is the type to loose her head and throw you out, then planning ahead is a good idea. I think it all depends on how adamant you are about this break. If I was dating someone and found out that they made all these arrangements behind my back while pretending to love me and be intimate with me, I would be very offended and hurt. This could be very tacky if done improperly -- I just don't think it's fair to play 'significant others' while planning to blindside someone with a breakup.

[onelittleladybug]

I agree with red. I was recently in your gf's shoes although my breakup wasnt as planned. I felt really humiliated and hurt by the fact that I had no power whatsoever. He made all the decisions by himself and without giving my thoughts and feelings any weight. I would have liked to be given a chance to improve and work on the relationship before having to move out, find a new place and finally putting an end to my engagement and my life as it was. In many ways that was one of the biggest problems we had - the fact that he just couldnt make decisions that were for the benefit of the relationship. He was only able to make decisions that were good for him as an individual. Im sorry if Im projecting my situation on yours, but I thought I would put this out there in case this helps you and your situation at all.

 

At least think about doing this in a way that makes her feel like she has some saying in this or some kinda power over the situation so that if you guys end it she can walk away with dignity. Or else you will find yourself with a really bitter ex that will potentially have a really hard time with letting go.

[matius]

onelittleladybug - we learn from others experience, sorry to hear about your situation...

 

I want her to keep her dignity in every respect - I will do what I can to do that...but how do you openly communicate your not happy with somebody or with their environment. I feel like telling her that and all of my other worries but think it's going to hurt no matter how I slice it. I also don't want to leave room for ambiguity.

[onelittleladybug]

Its definitely going to hurt no matter how you do it, you are right about that.

 

Interestingly I just had this conversation with my ex this week, again 6 months after the breakup. His side is that communication was broken and so there was no point in trying to communicate anymore. I deeply disagree, I think that no matter what happens you should always at least still try to discuss things. Thats my point of view.

 

In your relationship there are three entities: You, her and the Relationship or "us". If you make your decisions completely without her you are (in my opinion) disrespecting the relationship/us. If you do it that way, you may easily destroy the "us" factor and that means that you dont even leave anything to build a friendship on. So - I would think really hard if this is the way you want to do it.

 

The thing is I know nothing about your relationship. It might be completely horrible so that if you told me the details I would tell you to run as fast as you can, I dont know. Im TOTALLY projecting my own situation on yours and Im not even trying to hide it ;-) But I thought I'd just give my 2c.

 

I would definitely not do nc if you are leaving her. Thats just too much unless she is the stalker type, and guaranteed to hurt her deeply. As I understand nc its more for the dumpee to heal and regain dignity.