I've been robbed!

[imtornup]

I feel like I've been robbed! I was dating the most wonderful woman in the world that was emotionally abused by her ex husband. I wrote the "short" story titled "How does this make any sense" under the breaking up section on Dec 21st. I have been divorced for 4 years and have dated quite abit. This person is everything I have been looking for. The two of us were looked at as the perfect couple and everyone thought we would end up getting married. My ex girlfriend has ended it with me because she still has feelings for her abusive ex husband. They have actually started seeing eachother again.

 

This web site and especially this section has really opened my eyes into the mindset of an abused person. Especially items written by JAYAR. I was and still am having a hard time understanding why someone would want to go back to a abusive relationship when they have met someone that treats them like gold and puts them on a pedestal. Again, this forum has shed some light on my situation.

 

I know she has been robbed as well. She has been robbed of a normal loving relationship that she so deserves, wheather by myself or someone else. She has been robbed of her self esteem and her pride.

 

This woman is truly wonderful. I'm having a hard time accepting that some "jerk" is the recipricant of her love and everything she has to offer.

[CluelessGuy321]

That's interesting and sucky.

 

 

Why do abused people go back into abusive relationships?

[honeyspur]

I know - isn' this sad?

Abuse is something some people are forced to become accustomed to at a very young age, making them very vulnerable to habit. As adults, they intellectually understand it is something they must now abandon and that means changing themselves and beliefs to such a degree, that it overwhelms them and they end up staying in/returning to the abuse. It is simply easier than wiping the "blueprint" of who they are clean - and creating a new one.

All we can do, as people who care for them, is tell them this and hope we plant a seed that may blossom into true change one day when they can handle it. Good luck and keep up your support of her.

[Aurian]

Sometimes they think they deserve it. Sometimes they have been conditioned to think that they are bad in some way and anyone they get close to may treat them the same once they "get to know the real me." Then, it feels safer to stick with the abuse you know than the potential abuse you might not know about.

 

An abused person also feels a lot of guilt. She probably feels like she is abandoning the relationship and didn't try hard enough. That coupled with being blamed (and believing it) for problems convinces them that they are at fault and they need to set things right.

 

Finally, they want to believe it, because it can be a shock to face that you are a good person and you didn't deserve this treatment, and you put up with it for nothing.

[imtornup]

It's strange that you mentioned that abused people are "conditioned" to think that they are bad in some way.

One time she came over to my house for the afternoon.When she pulled out of my garage, I noticed oil on the floor. I called her on her cell phone and said "Honey, there's oil on the garage floor, please be careful and have it checked out." The next thing I know is she's crying telling me that she will turn around and come back over to clean it up. I couldn't believe my ears. She actually thought I was mad about the oil. Then she made the comment, " when are you going to learn that everything I do, I screw up". It took me a day or two to convince her that I was only thinking about her safety. Another time I took her out to dinner and asked her to pick the restaurant. The service was slow and the meal was not that great. On the way home, I commented that the "restaurant was a little off tonight". She once again started crying saying that it's her fault we had a lousy meal because she picked the restaurant. Again she made the comment that everything she does, she screws up. She would always say to me that she would never be able to make me happy and that I would end up dumping her.

[sonjam]

imtornup, the comments she kept on making indicates the low selfesteem issues she's having. A person with these issues, truelly believes she is not worthy of anything or anybody, and is probably back with the ex, because (appart from getting her emotionally addicted to him) helps her believe just that - she's not good enough for anybody else, but HE will put up with her....

 

It really is a sad state of affairs!

 

Sorry for your loss!