How to tell when a "nice guy" likes you?

[DN]

I guess I just don't see people as 'projects' at all but I do recognise and understand that people have problems - even if they don't recognise them themselves. That doesn't necessarily mean that I will dismiss them because of it.

[Batya33]

I guess I just don't see people as 'projects' at all but I do recognise and understand that people have problems - even if they don't recognise them themselves. That doesn't necessarily mean that I will dismiss them because of it.

 

I would never dismiss someone with problems. I would decline to be in a romantic relationship with someone who has serious emotional or mental problems and no interest in working on them. That is a significant distinction to me. I would try to be the person's friend although in my experience the typical dynamic is the person who doesn't want to help herself complains to you, seems to want you to agree that she is not worthy, I resist as much as possible, I have to restrict or completely avoid talking about anything good in my life lest I make her feel worse. So, it becomes one-sided and at some point, after being the main giver in the relationship, she either takes advantage of me or lashes out at me for some perceived success I have (even if I said nothing).

 

I have several examples of this. I am done being friends with train-wreck types who don't want to help themselves - I have done volunteer work to help those types of people and I think that is the more appropriate and productive role.

 

My mother married my father although he had serious depression. She refused to marry him unless he agreed to work on those issues. For the last 50 years most of the time he has agreed to work on the issues through meds, medical treatments and therapy. He would be dead without her. I do not know if my mother regrets her decision - i do know she is akin to a saint in all she has done for him although my sister and I suffered terribly because of it. I also know she would want me to run - very fast! - away from anyone suffering from depression who was not willing on his own to work on the issues involved. My mom is the wisest woman I know.

[DN]

serious emotional or mental problems

I think applying that statement to the boyfriend of the OP is, at best, an exaggeration.

[Batya33]

Perhaps - I find it alarming that even before a relationship has developed he has told her that he cannot believe she is even talking with him. Obviously I don't know tone or context but it sounded from what she described that she meant it. That could be low self esteem, depression, something in between. My point remains that unless he wants to work on his (apparently serious) self-esteem issues she should not get involved romantically with him.

[DN]

Thanks everyone...

 

Would it really be OK to kiss him out of the blue? I really would love to do that, but it seems kind of risky if it turns out he just likes me as a friend.

 

What if I try to see him on New Year's Eve and plant one on him at midnight?

Any luck last night?

[MacGyverRI]

She posted that she didn't see him but may see him tonight,

[jujubes]

UPDATE:

 

We went to see a movie tonight. I was planning on telling him how I feel, but I chickened out at the last minute. But, that turned out to be okay....because after the movie, he said "I have something to tell you," and then said he's interested in me as more than a friend. I was so relieved! I told him I felt the same way, so now we are "together" though taking it slow. Thank you for everyone who gave advice on this thread, I really appreciate all your thoughts.

[MacGyverRI]

UPDATE:

 

We went to see a movie tonight. I was planning on telling him how I feel, but I chickened out at the last minute. But, that turned out to be okay....because after the movie, he said "I have something to tell you," and then said he's interested in me as more than a friend. I was so relieved! I told him I felt the same way, so now we are "together" though taking it slow. Thank you for everyone who gave advice on this thread, I really appreciate all your thoughts.

 

awww, how cute!

 

I hope you had one of those Meg Ryan/Tom hanks moments w/ a kiss....

[Batya33]

UPDATE:

 

We went to see a movie tonight. I was planning on telling him how I feel, but I chickened out at the last minute. But, that turned out to be okay....because after the movie, he said "I have something to tell you," and then said he's interested in me as more than a friend. I was so relieved! I told him I felt the same way, so now we are "together" though taking it slow. Thank you for everyone who gave advice on this thread, I really appreciate all your thoughts.

 

Great news and all the best!