need a mans advice

[anggrace]

Ive been with my man for two years now. Our sex life has never really been that good. Mabey 1 time a week if Im lucky. Ive thought that if I get him to love me more than he'd eventually want to be more intimate with me. Im starting to think thats not going to happen. Other things seem to be good in our relationship. Ive asked him if there is anything I can do differently in the bedroom that would turn him on. I try to look good for him, and I enjoy pleasuring him. He doesnt seem to think theres a problem. I try to be open with him and have let him know in the past that it makes me feel bad, but nothing has changed. I dont want to have to ask for him to want to touch me or pleasure me. Shouldnt he want to if he loves me? What can I do?

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

One thing that worked for in my last relationship was when she started wearing really sexy lingerie. She was a cotton panties girl before that, and when she came home one afternoon and literally jumped me it breathed a whole new life into our sex life. That and some role playing really made a difference for us, but I suspect you both have to be willing to try that for it to work.

 

His loving you will not have a direct correlation to how much he wants to have sex with you. Every week there are numerous threads here about people with partners with different sex drives, partners addicted to porn, etc. so his lack of interest probably has nothing to do with his love for you.

 

But you should talk honestly with how this is making you feel. If you can figure out a way to bring this up where he doesn't feel like you are criticizing or attacking him and still not dilute your concern, that's probably a good place to start (I was never able to figure out how, but hopefully you can) .

[anggrace]

Thanks-

Ive got a nice variety of lingerie. Ive worn it for him a few times, but mabey I didnt wear it with enough confidence. Mabey I need to be more assertive.

[NyGentleman]

I think when a girl is assertive and somewhat aggressive and goes for it before the guy can even think about it is extremely hot..but the flip side is the guy has to be in the mood, but who am i kidding, im always in the mood!!

 

Most of the girls ive ever been with take the intitative to go for it whenever, wherever and it makes everything much more fun...Its hard when 2 people are shy in that area to see the sparks, I think its all about being comfortable with eachother bodies, and confident in the overal experience...

[Ngenzi]

Try to wear a sexy lingerie and take control of situation ,don't wait until you go to bed start kissing him the moment he open the door, massage him and don't take off your hands from his private part he will love it.

[Cardinal]

What can be done?

 

You: Do anything you want. Just make sure your actions are not turning him off for some reason. A good suggestion imo is to just make sure the rest of the rest of the relationship and your lives in general are going well. That is a big enough task for you, no?

 

Him: Two things tend to have the biggest influence on a man's sex drive; His hormones and levels of stress. Help him reduce stress and make sure his testosterone levels are rocking the house (a doctor's visit and a simple blood test will tell this).

 

Whatever happens, he will need to admit at some point that he wants a higher drive and wants to satisfy your need. No other efforts are likely to be successful unless he sees an issue and wants to help by making a change. So communicate with him.

[anggrace]

He knows that our lack of sex/intamacy is hurting me. Weve talked about it on several occasions. Ive occasionaly asked him if hes stressed, hes always said he thinks thats the reason. But its been that way for almost two years. Ive also asked him if there was ANYthing I could do for him in the bedroom, he always seems to be satisfied with the way it is. Id like to ask him some questions so that I can understand whats going on. I have several other ideas of why he doesnt seem interested in sex. Should I ask him these questions, or do you think it might piss him off?....1-"Is someone else on your mind?" 2-"Do you think your sex drive is down and you dont know why?" 3-"Do you not want to have sex w/me simply because I ask it of you?" 4-"Is it because you dont feel close to me?" I want to know these things, but I also dont want to aggitate him. Any suggestions of how I can go about it?

[MacGyverRI]

Never ask a guy questions like these, it's a turn off.

 

1-"Is someone else on your mind?"

2-"Do you think your sex drive is down and you dont know why?"

3-"Do you not want to have sex w/me simply because I ask it of you?"

4-"Is it because you dont feel close to me?"

 

 

 

try;

1, Honey.sweetie etc, which lingerie outfit do yo like better? and start modeling them (guys are visual)

 

2, give him a massage

 

3, make his favorite food

 

4, oral works wonders on a guy after a long day.

 

5, snuggle up on the couch while watching TV but don't mention sex, let him initiate it this time.

 

6, get kinky in the kitchen

[anggrace]

Well, Ive been doing those things you suggested from day one of our relationship. I give him oral, I enjoy it as well. Ive worn all kinds of lingerie, I cook great meals for him all the time. I give him foot massages when were on the couch watching tv. I try soooo hard!! This is why Im feeling the need to ask him whats going on. He never initiates sex. Its starting to make me feel pretty crappy. Ive even told him I feel this way, nicely. Nothing has changed. I dont know what else to do?? I love him so much but I feel like I have to try so hard.

[MacGyverRI]

Well, Ive been doing those things you suggested from day one of our relationship. I give him oral, I enjoy it as well. Ive worn all kinds of lingerie, I cook great meals for him all the time. I give him foot massages when were on the couch watching tv. I try soooo hard!! This is why Im feeling the need to ask him whats going on. He never initiates sex. Its starting to make me feel pretty crappy. Ive even told him I feel this way, nicely. Nothing has changed. I dont know what else to do?? I love him so much but I feel like I have to try so hard.

 

You may need couples counseling if all the above hasn't worked.

 

 

p.s.

You're every guys dream girl, smack him up the side of his head for us... j/k!

[anggrace]

I cant help but to wonder if there is someone else. But I dont want to ask. Ive thought that mabey our sex drives were just different, but its been over 3 weeks!!!!! Im attractive. I could get more if I was single!! The strange thing is that he doesnt seem to think its a problem. He has always said, " we've been busy", or, " Ive been tiered". It is hurtfull.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

Maybe if you told him what a threat this was to your relationship, he would sit down and have a talk with you. Sex is a big part of a relationship, and if this becomes a deal breaker you would be right to let him know sooner rather than later.

 

And I agree with Mag PI, what you described sounds like a dream relationship. I wish my ex had put 1/2 as much effort into making me feel happy as you make your man.

[Suzy-TO]

I agree with Reluctant Rebuilder. If only all ppl put the effort into this as you have. I am not male, and I know you wanted a males view. I read this post to figure out things on my end. So this has helped. We use to have sex all the time. Then we got married last May and things have slowed down. So, I am trying everything. Oral, dressing up......etc. I think many times work...stress get in the way. I agree the massage thing does work. Tried it this morning...trust me it works. How about a visit in the shower??? A get away for the weekend? Good luck, keep us posted. Thanks to all the guys who posted on here. Helps us females out a ton.

[anggrace]

Thanks for all of your input! I did try to have a talk with him this evening. But we got nowhere. He said he had time to talk but as soon as I told him my concern, he acted as if I was interrupting his work. -He works at home. So I guess Ill try another time. I know no one wants to hear that their partner is unhappy with their sex life. Any suggestions as to how I could word it?

[Suzy-TO]

Okay whats with the guys that work from home??? Mine works at home also. Perhaps its really stressfull...lol, okay I should not be making jokes at a time like this. Just sounds like our men are going through similar things. Perhaps he is feeling down, not good about himself? I dont think theres any easy way to say "we need to work on our sex life" sounds like you have done and said everything. Sadly, maybe just saying "I love you, I really do, but I need more" its scary because I am sure you do not want to lose him. However, can you stay in this? Will you be happy if things remain the same?

I think I would just sit with him, tell him you love him, dont want to be a nag, but you need more. You need to feel wanted.

[anggrace]

Your right, I dont want to sound like a nag. This will be my second time bringing this up. The last was 4-5 months ago. He may be feeling a little insecure as you said. Im sure telling him He's not cutting it in the bedroom wouldnt help if thats the case- No matter how nicely I put it. The thing is, its never really been that good for us. Even in the beginning when we did have a little more sex, it wasnt that good. He never seemed into it. Im starting to think Im just going to have to accept it, or get out.

[Suzy-TO]

Guess the question is can you live without good sex. Some ppl can, some cannot. I do think sex is very important in a relationship, and usually if its really bad, someone does stray. Thats why I am glad you are doing all you can. At least if one day you decide to walk away from it you can leave knowing you did all you could do. Theres a ton of men out there that would love a gf like you. Some women do not put any effort into things. Sounds like you have done alot.

I think all you can do is sit down, tell him how you feel. Its hard trust me I know, just been there done that, have the top to prove it..lol. You have to be happy lifes to short. Dont worry about hurting him by discussing this, worry about you.

I do think perhaps a weekend away would help. Have you tried that?

Sorry I know you wanted a male perspective on all this, and here I am writing away. Hope this female view helps out abit.

[anggrace]

Yes-it is very much appreciated! Just curious, you said you had a similar problem, how often do you find yourself feeling rejected or unwanted? How often do you guys have sex/oral? Hope ya dont mind me asking. I sometimes wonder if Im being too needy.

[Suzy-TO]

I dont mind at all. When we started dating 6 years ago, we were having sex about 5 times a week. Then it became every weekend only, then a few months ago, it would be 1 a week, then not at all (he was to tired) and they say women say they have headaches..lol. I felt very rejected. He was on MSN chatting with a woman he meet with me at a car club we go to. So, we finally had it out. Thats why I said sex is very important. I do feel if one of you wants sex, and is not getting it .....they may stray. Oral sex...well it was alot, and more me than him. So, now I am being more assertive (trying to be). I never had this problem before. Any other relationship was just natural we did not have to work on it. So, this is new to me also. I tried and am still trying everythhing. I did find getting away helps. I surprised him with a weekend away...it also helped to talk.

YOU ARE NOT BEING TOO NEEDY, you are just expressing the way you feel, and he is soooooo lucky you are putting this effort into it. Everyone has different sex drives, and its finding a happy medium that makes it work.

 

Dont me afraid to ask me anything, I really wish you the best. Keep me posted and PM me if you want.

[MacGyverRI]

\ How often do you guys have sex/oral? Hope ya dont mind me asking. I sometimes wonder if Im being too needy.

 

Too needy?? Any guy would love to have either of you with those attitudes!

 

I had one GF who kept a diary and it was 2.8 times a day on avg. for the yr. that we were together and an average w/ everyone else I've been with was at least one time a day except for the ex wife who had many issues.

 

 

Make them get separate spaces away from the main house area to do their work so the main house doesn't remind them of the workplace. I ran a business from home for many many yrs. and I was about the largest internet exotic pond & aquarium fish dealer, but it was in the basement and it never affected anything in our personal lives that way.

[Suzy-TO]

Thanks MacGyverRI- nice to hear we are not nuts...lol

 

The separate house (office) I love that idea. His problem as of late is he is lonley during the day, and surfs a ton. Work is slow, and no one but the dog at home. I on the other hand, have a very demanding job, work long hours. As I write this I am at work, and working till Wed.

 

 

 

Thanks again, the idea is a good one and I for one am going to suggest it.

 

Suzy

[anggrace]

Yeah, good idea. I accually dont live w/ him. I see him 5-6 nights a week. Not many days together. Even on the weekend.

 

I dont know if you read my other thread, but I tried talking to him, and it didnt go over so well. I upset him with one of my questions,"Is someone else on your mind?". So the conversation became about how It made him feel. He was pretty mad. We didnt end up discussing the issue at hand. Just alot of back and forth bs.

[megno07]

I really know what your going through this happens with my boyfriend and I alot and there for awhile came really close to destroying our relationship. We have been together for 4 years and it has been hard. I found the reason for his lack of love was due to porn though. Also because he works third shift and is tired constantly!!! It really put a rift between us. I found that when I gave him the ultimatum that he really saw that he couldn't be without me. We broke up for a couple of days and when I went back to get the rest of my stuff he pounced on me and we had sex great make up sex. After that it has been better . I think honestly that women have way higher sex drives then men and they go around saying that there's is higher but it some cases it really isn't.....Honestly I would love to have sex every day but it never happens that way I'm like you I'm lucky to get it once a week more less every day I mean come on. I find that having sex with my partner makes me feel loved and needed so I could have it every day just so that I could be reassured. I just think maybe you should tell him you don't know how long you can go like this and you don't know if your going to be willing to live without sex.

[SexySadie7]

Megno.. you write, "We have been together for 4 years and it has been hard. I found the reason for his lack of love was due to porn though. Also because he works third shift and is tired constantly!!!"

The guy I was dating worked 3rd shift also and he always seemed to be tired and in a bad mood. Plus. not only did he work 3rd shift, he had to work like 12-13 hour days.

I thought maybe it was just me.. he would seem tired/bored sometimes when I came over. Maybe it was his work shift. I know i couldn't do the graveyard shift.

What other problems did the third shift present for you guys? I know he works like 7 pm to 7 am.. so that doesn't leave alot of alone time if he's going to get some sleep!

I always thought he would be in a better mood or be nicer to me sometimes if he didn't have such a lousy work schedule!

[megno07]

It really is a stressful sittuation working around the whole third shift thing. I really believe that sometimes my boyfriend would be a different person if he wasn't working third shift. I see him on his days off which are thurs and fri but most of the time on these days he gets tired quick. Yeah it sucks it really does I spend most of my time alone waiting on him to wake up which bums me out but hey I've been doing it for 4 years and I still love him despite it all. Are you still with this guy??