Worried that gf uses "toy" too much

[herewegoagain]

Well, my gf's use of her "toy" is really bothering me lately, as I have posted about it a couple of days ago. Well what really bothers me is this:

 

I think my gf uses it way too much. And I'm worried because I heard from another post that if a woman uses it too much, they get so used to it, that it's the only way they can get satisfied. Is that true?

 

Will this hurt our sex life?

 

Also, I think she uses the toy way more than she uses me. We only get "close" about once a week (and I see her 3-4 days a week). And NEVER on weeknights. I think (am pretty sure) she uses the "toy" almost every weeknight, and even more.

 

Should I be concerned?

[arwen]

I think you should focus more on your other concerns about this relationship, herewego. The frequency of her use of toys could be just symptomatic of that. For me, even if the satisfaction-by-toys statement would be true physically, I'd NEVER choose that over making love with someone I truly love. For me, toys are a replacement that can never really replace the full experience of sex.

 

Ilse

[herewegoagain]

Ilse - excellent point about the other problems about my realtionship. Thanks for making me realize that. There are other concerns in my relationship that I should focus on. Thanks for remembering my previous posts. Much appreciated.

[arwen]

I read your posts yesterday and I feel that you need something else than she does. There is NOTHING wrong with that. If anything, it shows that you are a guy who is looking for the warmth and comfort of a stable and committed relationship. You somehow seem to have met a girl who is on a different page. That may be due to her present life, or her personality, or her history. But the fact remains that she seems to be less into the relationship than you are. Once things are this unbalanced, often one person starts holding on to every last straw and the other starts wanting out (vicious circle I have been in for a long time ).

 

I think a lot of women are looking for what you are looking for. That doesn't make you a clingy or needy type, the opposite is true for me at least. If I am looking for a relationship, it is my WISH to meet a guy like you, who is looking for spending a lot of time together, building a life together, etc. She is not a bad person for needing what SHE wants. I just think you and her needs may be incompatible.

 

Open up to her. If she thinks you are needy/clingy, then that just proves that she is not looking for the things you are looking for. That doesn't mean you ARE clingy (that would just be her take on things).

 

Ilse

[herewegoagain]

Ilse - good point again, and thanks.

 

I know how I am though. I will not put up with this forever. Something has got to give.

 

I was thinking about talking to her tonight, but not sure if I'm ready yet.

[dawn515]

Well, I relate the use of sex toys for women in the same way as porn for men. If a partner is indulging in either of these to the extent that it interferes with their relationship, it's a problem.

 

Do you feel that her use of a sex toy is interfering in your relationship?

 

I have to admit, I have not read all your posts, and from this discussion in this thread, it sounds like there is more going on here, but I thought I'd just throw that out there.

[herewegoagain]

Yes, I do feel her toy is affecting our intimacy. She is relying on that more than with me. We only get intimate once during the weekend, and never on weeknight. And I feel it is because she is using her toy too much.

 

BTW - I always make sure she is pleased when we do it.

[arwen]

I find the parallel with porn striking, dawn! I don't like the idea of my bf watching porn, but as long as it does not interfere with our intimacy I condone it so to say. I'd rather not know, lol. I have no experience with toys, though.

 

Ilse

[cordelia]

I read your posts yesterday as well. The part that I don't get is that she is obviously telling you how often she uses her toy ! Otherwise how would you know that she uses it every night ?

 

Its almost like she WANTS you to know, "I have my toy so I don't need a man to satisfy me!"

 

Hard to relate to as a woman, because I totally prefer the real thing with a real man than any toy! Sounds like she is just so caught up in her independance and her single life and has convinced herself that she doesn't need a man to "complete her".

 

If you've already tried talking to her about these things, maybe you could bring up your concerns again and then propose taking a break. Not for you guys to actually break up, but just to make her really think about what she is doing.

 

P.S. Seeing each other 3-4 times a week is not bad at all! That's way more attention than I got from my ex.

[4answers]

Hi, I have only read this post here !

 

Why not include the use of toys in your love making, toys are fun, not just solo. If toys do it for her then participate in that, buy her more and you buy more. Have fun using them, and the issues regarding them will go away.

[herewegoagain]

cordelia - I can just sense when she has just used it. For example, she was in the bath the other night when i callled, and it took her a while to call me back.

 

To make it clear - she doesn't mention how she uses it. She only mentioned it once when she actually told me how her old one is worn out so she had to get a new one. She also said that she still uses a toy, but not as much as she used to (which I don't believe)

 

BTW - we only talked about the whole toy thing once. She does not bring it up anymore, neither do I.

 

It just bothers me because we don't get intimate much, and I think her toy is the reason.

[cordelia]

Is it possible then that maybe she doesn't use it as much as you might think she does ? You could always just try initiating sex more often and see what happens..or start by being more affectionate anyways.

 

Maybe its not that she doesn't want to...but she is just shy about initiating it herself. Me personally, I love getting intimate with a guy that I'm dating that I'm attracted to but I dont' necessarily show it. A lot of the time I end up just letting him start things up, probably something I need to work on in my next relationship ! lol..

[dawn515]

Ilse,

 

Perhaps I should make a thread about this in Sex & Romance, LOL. I'm basing this on personal experience ONLY, but I've noticed that women get insecure and feel that they can't live up to some "ideal" when their man watches porn; on the flipside, I have also noted that men become insecure and feel that they can't live up to an ideal when their woman has a good sex toy (see: the Rabbit).

 

Perhaps this just goes back to how men and women operate, eh? Visual vs touch? I don't know!

 

But I do know that when either of these things (porn or sex toys) interferes with a couples' sex life, there is a problem.

[Day_Walker]

No you shouldnt be worried. You should never be threatened by an inanimate object.

[shes2smart]

I've read over some of your previous threads, including the one you had up yesterday and have since deleted.

 

Her toy usage (which you're speculating on the frequency of usage per your quote below) isn't the issue.

 

To make it clear - she doesn't mention how she uses it. She only mentioned it once when she actually told me how her old one is worn out so she had to get a new one. She also said that she still uses a toy, but not as much as she used to (which I don't believe)

 

BTW - we only talked about the whole toy thing once. She does not bring it up anymore, neither do I.

 

It just bothers me because we don't get intimate much, and I think her toy is the reason.

 

From what you've said elsewhere, the problem lies in the fact that you have different ideas about what constitutes a relationship than she does. You have different ideas about how often you should be seeing each other, how much time you should be spending together, what sorts of things you should be talking about/sharing with each other, how often you should be having sex and so forth. She's said she wants to spend more time together, but she doesn't follow through with the actions.

 

If there's one thing I've learned about dealing with people it's this: When the words and actions don't match up, pay more attention to the actions. It's easy to SAY anything, but where the rubber meets the road, people DO what they want to do (or NOT do, as the case may be).

 

Blaming it on a sex toy is a way to prevent/distract you from dealing with the larger issue which I see as a mismatch in relationship goals and expectations.

 

If the toy wasn't there at all, her ideas about what constitutes a relationship and what her relationship goals are probably would not change in any significant way. They'd still be what they are, and they'd still be markedly different from yours.

[herewegoagain]

Well, I 'm just saying that I think the toy is affecting the INTIMACY part of our relationship.

[shes2smart]

As I recall from your post yesterday, you also had concerns other than the frequency of sex.

 

If your assumptions about her frequency of toy usage are wrong, then your theory that the abscene of the toy = more sex with you falls apart.

 

I'll also tell you what several other women have told you about toys - they can be fun, and convenient during "dry spells," but if you're in a relationship with a guy you're really into they're a far, far second to being with your guy.

[herewegoagain]

As I recall from your post yesterday, you also had concerns other than the frequency of sex.

 

If your assumptions about her frequency of toy usage are wrong, then your theory that the abscene of the toy = more sex with you falls apart.

 

I'll also tell you what several other women have told you about toys - they can be fun, and convenient during "dry spells," but if you're in a relationship with a guy you're really into they're a far, far second to being with your guy.

shes2smart - good points!! Thanks.

 

So maybe she isn't really into me. Which is my whole concern on my other posts from yesterday.

[shes2smart]

So maybe she isn't really into me. Which is my whole concern on my other posts from yesterday.

 

Maybe. Maybe not. I can't tell if she's into you or not from your posts. She may be as into you in her own way as she can get. Not everyone we become involved with is going to be capable of loving us in the way that we want/need/prefer to be loved...but that doesn't mean they don't love us in their way.

 

What really leaped out for me in your previous posts is you seem to have a pretty good idea of what you want/need/expect in a relationship, and she seems to have some very different ideas. As I recall, you did mention she's had previous bf's break up with her because of similar things you're dealing with (emotionally distant, not spending much time together and so forth).

 

People can and do change, but the motivation for lasting change has to come from within. If you have talked to her about this and still see no follow through with (at least) attempts towards changed behavior, it would appear that she's fine with the way things are. From the tone of your posts, it seems you are not. I'm getting the impression that you are hurting over this, and understandably so. It hurts when the relationship we're in isn't meeting our needs and our partner doesn't seem interested in improving things.

 

That puts us in a situation that can be summed up by saying: Sometimes, all our options suck. Happens every now and then in life, but you'll get through it. If it wasn't for bad/painful experiences, I don't think we'd be able to really appreciate when the good stuff happens.