And I was doing so well...

[Firedancer03]

Its only natural to want to "spill your guts" to her at some point, and thats totally ok. So now she knows exactly where you stand, and she knows how you feel. My question to you is, do you feel like you've cleared things up and have some sort of closure to everything?

[AnonymousMG]

Not at all, there are more things that I wish I could have said, and just as many that I wish I didn't say... today is 2 months exactly from when it happened just to throw out how long it has been (just noticed that now, I wasn't dwelling on it or thinking about it all the time or anything).

[blender]

Well, It's always tough when we are still so emotionally vulnerable and yet we continue to "be around or have contact with the ex"....

 

please do not compare yourself to any other guy, not to her, and not in your own mind. YOU are a great guy, and you are worthy of a mature, authentic, realistic love, and for now this girl is simply NOT ready to give this to ANYONE... so do NOT take it personally... and any girl that would say in front of her caring ex (you) that she wants to "go crazy" before she gets married.. well that is a huge sign of her immaturity, and it's normal, it's just part of her life journey right now, whether you were in her life or not....

 

It's going to continue to be difficult if you keep choosing to "see her" or "be around her" right now, because you have different emotional expectations and needs for the moment, and fate is simply NOT having YOURS coincide with hers... that just happens, especially at this age, it's part of the growing up process...

 

I know you are hurting, but do NOT blame yourself for being emotional with her tonight, but DO make a choice to learn from the way you feel "afterwards"... we all have "expectations" and believe if we could just say the "magic words, or the perfect phrase" then suddenly the ex will be perfectly in love with us again.. but it's not the case, she would be behaving the way she is right now, no matter who was in her life, you or any other guy.. it's her age, her process, and it's normal.. it's so NOT about YOU.. it's about HER...

 

You are going to grow past all this, and it might help to stop putting some deadline on everything in your mind, for instance that when she goes back to school it's "all over".. who knows it might be a new beginning for YOU, and she just might get "bored" with everyone there in a few months, once the newness wears off...

 

and if you choose to take the self respecting route now of setting some boundaries, not pretending to be her "friend" and instead, wish her luck, and let her know that whatever the future holds you know that you BOTH will be happy, and if your paths should cross again, that would be wonderful.. and I'm sure they will.. in time, in fate's timing, not yours.... trust this..

 

and breathe, give yourself some credit for being such a loving caring guy... that's one thing you have discovered in all this, YOU are a great guy.. and if she's NOT ready for it, then that's okay, perhaps she will be in time, if not, I assure you some wonderful girl will be and who knows, maybe fate has put you through all this heartache so when the "right" girl comes along you are that much wiser, stronger, independent, self confident, and ready for her... and it may even be your ex...

[Firedancer03]

Were you hoping for something to come out of this? or some kind of reaction from her? Or were you just looking to let her know where you stand?

[AnonymousMG]

I wasn't comparing myself to him in a sense of actually thinking I was like him, it was more comparing my actions to his and explaining to her that all the things he did that pissed her off, I was doing.

 

I'm not really blaming myself for it as much as wondering what I was thinking I was going to get out of talking to her. When I asked her if I could stay and talk to her for a few minutes I didn't even know what I was going to say, to be honest I just wanted to be able to hug her and not have it be in front of my friend. The rest of everything kind of just happened...

 

I think the reason that I put that kind of deadline in place is because I believe that her going off to school played a huge part in what happened (I'm not saying that it's the only reason, nor am I saying that I wish she didn't go, just that I think it was a large factor). Also, this other guy is there. So I feel that once she goes back she's going to busy herself with her work and her friends there and I'm going to just be a thing of the past.

 

Thanks for the notes that I'm loving and caring, although sometimes lately I've wished that I could be a jerk just for one day so that all of this didn't hurt as much. I really am proud of myself for being who I am, but sometimes it sucks to be the nice guy...

 

I still can't picture myself even thinking about anybody other than her, I really dedicated every part of me to loving her for 4 years, and to have things end so suddenly has been crushing me. I know I didn't, but I still feel like there is something that I did wrong sometimes.

 

I don't know what to do about tomorrow... I guess I should just wait and see how I feel then, but I would really like to be able to talk to her again and have it not be an uncontrollable flood coming out of my mouth. If this is going to be the start of NC (which I don't know if it is or not (and I know that sounds stupid and that it should be an obvious choice)) then I still want to do it respectfully like I planned and discuss my reasons with her and wish her luck and happiness.

 

Hope is pain...

 

EDIT: Firedancer03, idk what I hoped to come out of it, there was a reaction from her, I'm pretty sure she's laying in bed crying right now, but I really dont know what I was thinking...

[Firedancer03]

Of course you can't think of being with anyone else but her, its only been 2 months, and a 4 year relationship is a very long time. I'll be honest with you, its going to take awhile to heal and for the pain to go away....but it will, in time. You've got a long road in front of you, but you've also got a wonderful opportunity for you to grow and discover new things about yourself and life and what you want out of it. It wont be easy, but it is such a valuable experience that could very well be a blessing in disguise. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, and probably wont for awhile, but when we are presented with heartbreak in our lives, we are given a great opportunity to discover ourselves, and actually fall in love with ourselves, and its really a wonderful thing.

 

Like blender said, your ex is going through a stage in her life, it is part of being young and growing up. She is getting older now and trying to "find" herself. She wants to experience new things. But thats certainly not a reflection on you or the relationship. Sometimes we need to do that without having a relationship in our lives. The most loving thing you can do for her right now is to let her go and let her do that. Let her go off to discover herself and grow, while you do the same. She will not go off to school and forget about you. You were a huge part of her life for so long, she will surely not forget about you. I know you don't want to do NC right now, but once you are ready to, you will discover that NC will allow you both to heal and grow from this experience. And whatever happens from there, happens. You're young, you've got your whole future ahead of you! Heck its so bright, you better bust out those shades soon!

[AnonymousMG]

Thanks, I'm sure you're right, its just so hard to grasp that side of things right now...

[Firedancer03]

Of course, don't worry about trying to see this side of things right now, I think that with time you will come to your own conclusions....we are just here to give you our advice based on our own experiences For now though, don't be afraid to let yourself feel the hurt and the pain you're feeling. The only way to get over the pain is to actually go through it. And it sucks, but going through a little bit of pain will lead to a lifetime of happiness in front of you, I promise you that much.

[antkojm1]

my timeframe experience: 4.5 year relationship, ended in march of this year. what would have been our 5 year was halloween. And I was (still am) in another relationship. It didn't even dawn on me the significance of the date until after, but we even ran into each other and talked for a few minutes about our costumes.

 

I won't lie, its going to be rough, but it will get better. it still hurts me to think about everything once in a while, but you have to deal with it to get through it, don't run from the emotion, feel it and experience it, sob for hours, get it all out.

[AnonymousMG]

Thanks for all the advice everybody. I feel like I'm back when it first happened in terms of how I'm dealing with things. I've tried so hard to be strong though this thing and I don't think I'm as strong as I've been trying to convince myself I am... I wish this whole thing just made more sense... It wouldn't make me feel any better, but if it made sense I might do better at accepting it as real. Is it normal for me to still be somewhat in denial after 2 months? I just still have the hope that some miracle is going to fix everything...

-AMG

[blender]

The "miracle" is going to fix everything, it's called FATE, and it comes in ways that we "need" it to, not always in ways that we "want" it to...

 

and as long as you are in "resistance" to the fact that everything is exactly as it should be in your life right now... (I know it's difficult right now) but even if you just say out loud, "I ACCEPT' things as they are right this moment, and will do my best today to not let my mind wallow in "what if's and why not's"

 

today, instead I will force a smile on my face and maybe get involved in helping someone else today, or just asking someone "how are you doing today" and maybe re-gain some perspective on my life.

 

because YOU do have a life outside of all this drama, and it's passing by, while you put all your energy into something you are powerless over.. the only thing you can control is your "change in thought process" and it takes time, it's okay to be "sad and disappointed" for awhile in life....so don't resist it, just feel it...it'll be okay..

 

Our sad and disappointing times in life, is usually the time we do the most growing.. and it always happens for a reason, what that reason is, you might not know yet... but in time you will.. so breathe, relax, let go, try a different thought process, even if it only works for a minute.. then try it again...breathe, everything in your life will work out.. better than you can imagine... it just will.. it just does.. and then you will realize that each moment in life can be viewed as a "miracle" even the sad and disappointing moments too....

 

I'm so sorry you are hurting so, and it's only been a few months, so give yourself a break..it's a tough time, and remind yourself that "in life heartache is inevitable but suffering for too long is a choice"

[AnonymousMG]

I just broke down in front of her again... I asked her if over the past few weeks she has had any feelings for me at all and she said no. I asked her for a hug and she gave me that. She was worried about me, but she just doesn't love me anymore... I really hate this. I can't get over her I can't get myself to give up hope. The worst part is that she's fine through all of this. I could drop of the face of this earth and she would barely notice... I know it's normal for her to be fine, but I still hate it and I wish that this was hard for her too like it is for me. I sat in my car next to her and cried like a baby for the 2nd time this week. I can't control my own thoughts... I feel like I'm losing my mind, I just want her to love me again, I want her to want me, I want to be able to make her laugh, smile, and be happy. It drives me crazy to picture her with somebody else, and I can't even imagine thinking about myself with anybody else. I just hate this... it sucks being the nice guy...

-AMG

[blender]

ugh.. well we get the same lessons over and over again until we make a choice to learn from them.. and for now, breathe, relax, and know that you can control you thoughts, you can make a choice to not let yourself spiral down in thoughts that aren't even "real", she's NOT with someone else, and YOU will be okay without her, you're just "hurting and disappointed" and that's the way you might have to feel for awhile, so many times in life we just have to "sad" for awhile.. it's usually when we can choose to do the most growing up.. and I'm so sorry you are in "resistance" it really is making it tougher for you, can you at least "try acceptance".. try saying to yourself, "I love her enough to respect her choice to move on, and I will be sad for awhile, but it's just not meant to be with her, and I will heal in time to love again".

[EddieRentz]

Anon - not sure if this is what you want to hear right now, but I have been watching Fight Club over and over again this week (I was thrown out with the trash a few weeks ago by the woman I thought would bear my children in a really ugly way, we were on our way to our 7th anniversary).

 

There is a line that I watch the whole film just to hear:

 

"It is only after we've lost everything that we are free to do anything."

 

This has been a big source of hope for me... that maybe we have lost our world... but it is only the world that we "know" that has been lost... now that the forest has been burned, the page has been erased, the building razed... we can create a whole new one in the image we choose - the choice is now all ours and ours alone. No more thinking for 2. No more sacrifice for what has been or what someone else has planned. We now have blank canvases upon which to paint our perfect picture.

[blender]

Annon, I wanted to add something I told someone in your similar emtoional state on this site some time ago, he has healed and moved on, and is actually happy now, but when he was feeling the "resistance" to accepting his break up as you are well I told him the following, hope it's helpful for you:

 

"...When you go to sleep tonight, trust that FATE has been nudging you, pushing you, into a new direction, one that thus far you have refused to take... prolonging your healing... so for tonight, please know that no matter how much your heart may hurt, everything is exactly as it should be for a reason." - Blender

[kellbell]

Hey MG,

 

I am so sorry things worked out the way they did. Now, you know for sure where things stand. No more false hopes, being in limbo and waiting. You cannot make another love you, nor win back an ex. There is such a thing called free will. They only thing you can do now is try to pick up the pieces and recover from this. I know you have a snow tubing trip this weekend with her going to be there but hard core NC after that. Hang in there.

[AnonymousMG]

She isn't going to be there. There isn't any snow so we're doing something else, but she wouldn't be going anyway, she doesn't want to spend the money. So her last memory of me is sobbing in the car... Now one of my other friends doesnt know if his girlfriend is going for idk what reason, so if she doesn't go, I'm not sure if he will either... I don't even feel like going anymore... I don't feel like doing anything, I'm not going to be any fun for anybody to be around... I haven't been sleeping well the past couple nights, I fall asleep fine, but I'm still exhausted when I wake up... My mom is telling me that I should go see a counselor or something, she's basically signing me up for oneso I have no say in the matter. I just hope they aren't like the one at school, talking to the university therapist made me feel like she was reading everything she said out of a book... it felt stupid and fake and didn't help me at all. I'm afraid of the future.. I feel like I'm always going to be alone, she was different from every other girl. This feels terrible, even if by some miracle she asked to have me back right now, I don't think I could do it, I'm too hurt, I feel like I'm completely numb inside. She really hurt me a lot... not just by what she said recently, I needed to hear those things... I don't know what I'm grasping for hoping to see her one last time. As she was leaving my car last night I kept hugging her again to make her stay, and it just stopped feeling like anything... I know that making her stay wasn't going to change anything, but I just felt like I had to do it... Love is the most painful thing in the world. I don't even know what else to say...

[blender]

Dear AnnonMG, you're turning a corner here, please do not blame yourself for "sobbing in the car" you needed to do so, in time you will be thankful that you expressed all your feelings to her..and how deeply you were hurting, knowing that you did so, you can now know you did all you could to let her know how you felt, and that's a strong choice, not a weak one.

 

It's good to talk to a therapist, I'm glad your Mom is arranging one, I needed to go see one after my break up, I was in so much pain, emotionally I felt as if I were walking through cement, and yes I'd wake up feeling "exhausted" too... it's part of the "sadness" that TEMPORARILY overwhelms us.. these feelings will pass in time, I promise you they will.

 

For today, just think of yourself, and feel all that you are feeling, and try just a little bit to let go, and know that this sadness will make you stronger, more wise, even more attractive in time, because FATE is preparing you for the "right" woman for you... trust this, and know that all people come into our lives for a reason, even if they break our hearts, it's only because there is a bigger plan ahead for us, and sometimes we are "forced to grow" through heartache... you're going to get through this, you will, and there are so many wonderful things ahead for you..

[AnonymousMG]

I've started to think about why it all happened... She told me that it was a gradual change and lots of little things. Things such as the little arguments we got in, and the one she kept mentioning is that she wasn't excited to see me anymore... I don't know if that's a normal thing to feel for long distance relationships but she took it as more than that, or if thats just how people feel when they don't love somebody anymore, but I felt that a little bit last year but I knew I still loved her. Nevermind, I'm being stupid and trying to give myself an excuse to have hope still. I know I can't do that anymore... That quote from fightclub is true I guess, I couldn't even start truly move on until I knew for sure that it was over, because I was still hopeful that some miracle was going to fix things... I'm still worried that she's never going to be a part of my life again, but at least now I know that it's really possible. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but what I mean is that before I thought it was just a worst case scenario, and I didn't really think it was possible to happen. I was being too optimistic about everything, and I was assuming that somehow things would get better no matter what. I just have to let things go as they go now and let the past be in the past. I have to accept that because of her, I had an amazing 4 years of my life. I wouldn't turn back anything, she taught me how to love, and I can't regret that. I wish it could have lasted longer, I need to learn to just appreciate what we had in the past, and let the future be what it'll be...

-AMG

[ladyeve]

Dear AMG,

 

I'm visiting ENA less frequently these days to concentrate on myself and to cut down on the number of distractions in my life. However, I feel compelled to write tonight. I'm so sorry about what you're going through right now. Please rest assured that we feel your pain and we are here to support you. You're a loving person, and you will be happy because of that. Please tell yourself that. It's the truth.

 

Seeing a therapist is a great idea. You are very fortunate to have such an understanding and supportive mom. Now please keep in mind that if you don't think the therapist is competent or meets your needs you have every right to ask for another one.

 

Healing is hard - you've got to live through the grief and the pain. I won't lie to you - there are no shortcuts or miracles. I'm still in denial half of the time even though I haven't talked to my ex fiance for nearly two months. I can't exactly picture a better future for myself right now but I know I have no choice but to get on with my days and at least try to be happy. When you wake up tomorrow, please try not to think about her too much. Instead, tell yourself three great things/qualities that you've got going in your life. Be really detailed, for example: I am very smart - this and that person said so; I graduated with this GPA; I got such and such awards...I have a great physique - runner's legs, long and muscular, awesome abs... Try it!

[AnonymousMG]

Thanks ladyeve, I hope that things are going well for you. I'm hoping that things with the therapist go well, like I said the one at my school seemed fake so I'm going into this with a fairly negative outlook, but I plan on doing whatever they say is going to help me.

 

Like you said about the denial, though I haven't been in NC, I feel things all the time, and most of the time, I can't understand or explain what I'm feeling. It's all a huge jumble of emotions that I can't get straight in my head...

 

I'll try that thing you said about telling myself three things when I wake up. It sounds like a good idea and at this point I'm open to any suggestions.

 

I am really worried about starting NC, but I think I'm just going to start it and let it keep going one day at a time. I hope that it is the right thing to do... It's very difficult to picture it really helping, because I still picture her as being somebody who makes me happier than anything else. I feel like I'm throwing away all chances of being that happy ever again. I know that its going to take time, but right now thats what I feel like, and it makes this whole thing really, really hard...

-AMG

[kellbell]

Hey MG,

 

Your reservations about NC are quite common. But what other choice do you have? Your ex told you flat out how she feels about matters.

 

I am not going to lie, NC is very hard in the beginning, especially when it is something you never wanted. But as each day goes by, you will get stronger and stronger and will realize that you can be happy on your own. You cannot rely on others for your happiness, you are responsible for your own happiness. NC will help you realize that. You have nothing to lose but everything to gain.

 

I am truly sorry things worked out this way. Someone once told me that sometimes pain elicits change, it prompts growth and wisdom. He is right as I went through much pain last year. Hang in there and taking it one day at a time is definitely very wise.

 

Take care, okay?

[AnonymousMG]

Well I just got a call from a number I didn't recognize on my cell but my battery died before I could answer it, and it wasn't there long enough for my phone to save the call in memory... I called to see if it was her, she had mentioned that I might talk to her today... that was stupid, I knew it wasn't her... I wish I hadn't planned out my whole life to be with her... She told me the other day that she also thought we were always going to be together but I guess things change... I wish there were still feelings between us... Love is so painful, this whole thing isn't fair...

-AMG

[kellbell]

Love is most certainly painful when it does not work out but as you know, when it does, it is a wonderful experience and priceless experience. I would not give up on love.

 

You are quite young, you have your whole life ahead of you. I know it is no counsulation to hear that but it is true. Hang in there friend.

[AnonymousMG]

I figured it would be better to post this here instead of saying/sending it to her...

 

"I want you to know that the time I spent with you was absolutely amazing. We laughed, cried, smiled, and most importantly loved. I wouldn't turn back what we had for anything, because of you I've grown as a person a great deal. You've been the most important part of my life and I know that if you felt even a fraction of what I did that you'll never forget what we had. I have no hard feelings regarding what happened, I wish things could have worked out differently, but what has happened is in the past, and there's nothing either of us can do to change that. You need some time alone, and I could probably use some too even though I'm reluctant to admit it.

 

I'm glad that things ended peacefully between us, I wouldn't have wanted there to be a huge fight, and I wouldn't want there to be any malice between us. I'm sorry that I haven't been able to be a friend to you through all of this, but I need to be able to move on, and I need to learn to do that on my own. I thought we had what it took to last forever, but sometimes things happen and we don't know why. Maybe some day our paths will cross, I don't know how, I don't know when, but I want you to live your dreams. Don't let anybody or anything hold you down, and don't settle for anything less than the best because that's what you deserve."

 

...I wish I could just fall asleep in her arms one more time...

-AMG