I'm completely stuck! please help!!

[uksco]

I am very confused.

I split up with my boyfriend of a year and a half in April this year, for no real reason at all except we were argueing quite a bit and I met someone else who made me laugh more than my ex boyfriend and I felt I didn’t want to waste time with my ex boyfriend if I had met someone more suited to me.

I started going out with this funny guy in August of this year and through the summer we only saw each other occasionally as we lived in different towns. Every time I met up with him I had a really good time and there were no arguments or anything.

Then we both moved back to the same town for university and since september we have have basically seen each other every day.

The first few weeks of us being together every day were amazing it was great! But now we argue basically every day, sometimes more than once a day. And I miss my ex boyfriend more and more. I keep comparing my new boyfriend to my old one, and I prefer my ex by far.

(I am still best friends with my ex boyfriend, which is extremely difficult considering all the thoughts I have about being with him and wanting him back, but I don’t want to lose the closeness we have and he is a good person. He has told me that he doesn’t want a girl friend at all, I have asked him out and he said no.)

My current boyfriend is a very jealous person and reminds me of my self a little, because I get very jealous too. My boyfriend and I are very similar with our emotions which I thought was great because we always talked a lot but now I realise that it is very very bad, as it is a very jealous relationship.

 

E.g I was going to go to the cinema to see a film with my ex boyfriend, but my boyfriend did a huge guilt trip on me making me feel so guilty about doing absolutely nothing. It made me sad and my ex boyfriend realised how upset I was and comforted me. While he cuddled me I wasn’t upset about the guilt trip anymore but I was upset about not being in bf/gf relationship with my ex.

 

Another thing making this really difficult is that, I know all my friends and my parents prefer my ex. And my brother notices that my boyfriend gets on my nerves sometimes.

I do still have some good times with my boyfriend but I don’t know if it is fair for me or him to stay in this relationship. We are in the same class at university too, so I would see him everyday if we split up, and that would be very difficult after a break up. It will be very difficult to end this relationship but I know its not going to last and I know the longer I wait the harder its going to be to break up. We share the same group of friends too, and I don’t know what would happen if we broke up, like if they would stop inviting me or him out with them.

 

My boyfriend is a nice genuine guy and he says he loves me, but I don’t love him, although I have at times felt like I do. Every time we argue I say to myself ill give it another chance, I just keep holding off, because im too scared to do anything about it. He constantly puts me on guilt trips if I do anything to make him upset, so i keep things to myself sometimes incase he makes me feel bad or vice versa.

 

I know this is not a healthy relationship, but as ive just gone from one serious relationship to another, im not quite sure ill be able to handle being on my own, since ive not been on my own since I was 17, and am now 20.

Im not sure if my feelings for my ex are true or if I just think of all the good times we had and assume I had a better time with him than my current boyfriend. ( I have a lot more in common with my ex) I don’t know that if I break up with my boyfriend it will help me, or if ill start missing him too and it wont sort anything out.

I am so confused and getting hurt every day, I just don’t know what to do at all.. I have absolutely no idea! This is so difficult.

please help me!

[Confused_kelly]

Im going to be hinest with you, I went thorugh a similar thing a few years ago. I was having probems with my boyfriend and I met this guy that seemed perfect , he made me laugh , he was sweet etc, My bf and I broke up and I started seeing this other guy,. At first everything was great, with time came the comparisons and the arguments. My mistake was that I didnt leave him right there. I led him on. He was so in love and I felt more miserable everyday. I really think you should reconsider this relationship. The fact that its a relationship so soon after the other one is a big factor. You may have been looking for what was missing fromm your other relationship in him, but maybe you are starting to realize that you want those things on your ex.

 

I came accross my ex and I had to leave the guy to reunite with him. Dont hurt him its not fair. Give yourself a break to think things over

[dnozzle]

I agree with Kelly. You are in a rebound relationship with this new guy, and are going to end up breaking his heart one way or the other. Better to get it over with now before he falls any deeper in love with you. Don't lead him on. If you want your ex back, then do that. If you don't, then spend time alone to heal before you involve someone else and screw them up. You are not emotionally available right now, but you are putting yourself out there like you are. You are going to hurt guys if you do that. And the hurt is BAD.

 

I know, I just found out after a year that I was a rebound guy. We were talking about marriage and family. It hurts.

[Confused_kelly]

dnozzle, Im sorry to hear that. that was actually one of the signs I had but didnt listen to, I was looking for the level of commitment I had with my ex very quickly with this new guy. I cares about him a alot. I have tried to make him stop talking to me so he can heal first, he doesnt want to. It feels awful knowing what I did to him for 4 years. I wish I could take it back.

 

The thing is, uksco, you have to step back and looke at athose things because believe me its better you find out now the reasons you are doing this, its not fun to hurt people. get out while its still early and think things through, you dont have to go to your ex right away, turns out what me and my ex needed was some time apart because we were both at turning point in our life (I was 18 , he was 21) so that sort of thing happens. Dont be afraid to be alone, you never really are

[uksco]

I know i am leading him on, and i dont want to. I dont want to hurt anyone but i know that is what i am doing. I dont know how to end it, it'll be really difficult to come out with it, i dont know what i would say, i dont want to make him hurt more because it comes out wrong.

 

i am confused about the university and friend situation. it will be really hard seeing him everyday if we have broken up.

[Confused_kelly]

I had the same problem, How to break it off? It was awful I ended up doing everything wrong, my advice, be hnest from the beginning, it saves a lot of problems later on. I know sometimes the truth hurts but its better tahns lying and then him finding out it was a lie , because youll come accross as a very cruel person.

[dnozzle]

Break it off cold. Tell him you have not emotionally healed yet, and cannot give a broken heart to someone. End it. Period.

 

And when you do, stop dating. Completely. Spend time getting back to yourself and dealing with your pain. Repair the damage and find your own inner happiness again. It won't be easy. But it is a step that must be done or you will continue to repeat your same pattern. Once you are happy with yourself, outside of any relationship, only then will you be ready to consider adding someone else to that picture.

[Ellie2006]

Hey there,

I agree with dnozzle; if you do not love your current bf, please do consider breaking things off w/ him *gently*

 

Also, IMO, it might be best if you refrain from immediately getting back together w/ your ex bf; if what you ultimately want is to get back together w/ your ex bf, then you guys will have to address the problems that broke you guys up in the first place.

 

Just my two cents worth.

 

Best wishes to you!

[Momene]

I understand his point about you spending one-on-one time with an ex. You are still a couple and this is a no-no. There's quite a few posts on here that see things from your boyfriend's point of view.

 

Having said that, you should split with him. I don't think your ex is right for you either. Perhaps someone with some of the nice qualities of both guys would be better.

[Rabican]

You owe it to your current boyfriend to break up with him. Honestly, you are wasting his time... utterly. You are not over your ex, you never will be as long as you are still friends with him. And your current relationship will never flourish as long as you have this hangup on an ex. So do one of two things, break up with the boyfriend, and be friends, or together (whichever you can have) with the ex. Or, tell your current boyfriend that you are still hung up on the ex, and let him decide if he is ok with that or not.

[Rabican]

I know i am leading him on, and i dont want to. I dont want to hurt anyone but i know that is what i am doing. I dont know how to end it, it'll be really difficult to come out with it, i dont know what i would say, i dont want to make him hurt more because it comes out wrong.

 

i am confused about the university and friend situation. it will be really hard seeing him everyday if we have broken up.

 

I think the best thing for you to do, is just sit him down and say look, I have to tell you something and there is no easy way to do it. You are a great guy, and I hate to have to do this, but this is just not working out for me. I thought it would, I have been trying to make it work but its just not what I want. Tell him that you are just not ready to be in a relationship right now, its just not what you want, not right now. And that you feel it would be better for him, if he found someone that could give him their whole heart, and not just a piece of it. He deserves more than you can give him right now, and thats just the way it is.

 

IF you cannot do it face to face, then write him a letter and give it to him, dont email it, or text it... but hand write it.

[uksco]

im beginning to get things a bit better now, im at home away from both my ex and current b/f and it feels good to be on my own for a bit.

I agree with everyone btw, its just finding the courage to be able to end it.

 

Ive figured out (yes i know its only been a few days - but ive thought about this. A LOT) that i was right wen i said i only want my ex boyfriend back because i was thinkin of all th good times we had and not thinkin bout the arguments and our differences.

I am still going to be friends with my ex tho, i dont see him that often maybe once every two months anyway, so it is getting easier day by day to get over him, ive realised that i dont want him in that way, but im not over him in the sense that i will be hurt wen he goes out with someone else, but i guess that is normal.

I am going to end it with my current boyfriend, if things dont improve, and i know there is no good time to end a relationship, its just building the courage to do it.

I like this guy, but I know he is not really my type, and I guess I will end it at some point because i know it doesn’t feel quite right.

I want to tlk to him about it, let him know that our arguments are really making me think differently bout the relationship.

 

I know this is quite different to my last post, but I have basically been going over this in my head all th time, n im quite glad that I have, I feel much better and clear about things, but I do agree with everyone that I need time to myself.

 

I know it is unfair to carry on the relationship wen Im thinking like this, but I will tlk to my boyfriend and tell him about the arguments and my feelings and stuff, and see wat he says, I think that’s better than just completely ending it rite now without completely explainin it first and seeing if we can make it better, tho u guys may feel differently about that. Im not sure!?