Heartbroken and confused

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The beginning:

I am from BC, Canada, (west coast). I met a girl last summer from Quebec (eastern canada), in a cherry orchard, and slept with her at a party. She was in a relationship at the time, and cheated on her ex with me (before i realized she was taken). We started spending a lot of time together, and a relationship began after she broke up with her ex. We hit it off early, and started having had a lot of fun together. Summer ended and we were left with two options. Either she went back to quebec, or moved in with me. We chose the latter.

 

Living together:

Living with this girl was great (for the most part). We were in love. She got a job at a hotel, and i was in college. After a month of this, she was fired from her job for a reason that was beyond her control. She spent about two weeks just staying at home, and was obviously becoming homesick. She was still madly in love with me, and i with her, but she decided that she would go home for about a month to see her friends and family. She was afterall, only 17, and away from her "other" life.

 

Time apart:

After only 4 days of her being away, i began to miss her incredibly. I went through a few exams without studying or concentrating on what i should have been, and decided to withdraw from my classes, and go see my parents. She arranged for me to come to quebec, and i went.

 

The recent:

In quebec things were good, but different. I met her family and they really liked me, and she was really happy about this. She had had a bit of a troubled past, and told me that her family had never liked any of her previous boyfriends. I was so happy. I said earlier that things were different. She talked about her boyfriend from time to time, and would say things like "he and would hitch hike from here all the time". It made me a bit jealous, and i asked her if she still had feelings for him, and she said no, and that it was me she was in love with, and he was just a friend now. On our last planned evening alone together, she wanted to go see him (he lived in a small trailor near her place). I felt aweful, but we went anyways, and i was left sitting there bored and frustrated because they spoke french, and i english. I left, and she would be following me in two weeks. We talked on the phone multiple times a day while apart, and she told me how she missed me and couldnt wait to see me. On the other hand, she continued seeing her ex, and when i showed my anger and jealousy over this, she acted as though she couldnt understand why this would bother me. Last sunday, two days before she came home, she spent time with him again. The next day when i asked her about it she said that they had a good time, but that they were just friends and that i should trust her. I got angry, and she said "i dont even feel like coming home now", and "if you dont want me to come back, just say so". So i sucked up to her, and she came back. I bought her flowers and cooked her dinner and was unbelievably excited about her being back with me. The day after i could tell there was something bothering her, and she told me that she didnt want to be back here, and that she needed time to herself to think, and that she didnt want to break-up with me, and that she still loved me. I tried to convince her to stay, but she wouldnt. The morning of her flight back she started to cry and told me that she had slept with her ex the last time they hung out. I was devasted. She said that she wasnt going back to be with him, but to be alone. I told her i didnt believe her for a second, and that she will realize that she made a mistake.

 

After she left:

I'm trying to make myself realize that we werent meant to be, but its difficult. Its only been a few days, and i'm not sure if im trying too hard to move on too fast. We were from different worlds, different cultures, and perhaps at her young age, being that far away from home was too difficult for her. Or its very likely shes still in love with her ex, and wants to be with him. Whatever it is, i cant make myself stop thinking about her, hoping she'll come back, and missing her. My first love (at 21, im a late bloomer), and now im heartbroken.

 

What should i be doing now. I can go to work tomorrow, in the orchard where i met her, or i can stay home and feel sorry for myself.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Okay, 21 is definitely not a late bloomer. She is only 17 and is already bouncing back and forth sleeping with more than one man at a time. She is not exactly good relationship material. She sounds pretty messed up and you are far better off without her. Just make sure you get yourself tested for STDs. Don't stay home and feel sorry for yourself. Get out there and carry on with your life. Remember what she did...she slept with you while she was still with her boyfriend and then slept with her ex-boyfriend while she was with you. Not a very reliable or nice person. One day you will meet someone who will value who you are. Please don't waste any more time crying over her...she is really messed up.

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Yeah im sure she is messed up, and she said that to me the day she told me about her cheating. I guess i hoped she could change, and i saw the good in her. I just wish i hadnt put so much stock into the relationship. I would have finished my last exam yesterday, and things would have been great. But you live and you learn, and this can only make me stronger.

[TEWWG]

Dude your first fling with her was off of a lie....she slept with you behind her boyfrien's back which means that it was very likely that she was just a habitual liar and cheater...just know that what you are feeling is perfectly normal and understandable....but sometime soon you will have to realize that she has lost something, not you.

[SanSerif]

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I feel as though I have an obligation to ring in here. First off, I know, at least to some extent what you're going through.

 

I am 21; fell in love with a girl who was 17, my first love 4 months ago. We've been broken up for one month on the 22nd. My relationship with her was mostly me thinking it was going to be something it wasn't. I'm coming to find that what I expected to happen wasn't ever going to, because she was so young we couldn't see eye to eye on a relationship level. Maybe as friends, but not as lovers.

 

She never cheated on me, but she was very flirtatious and lead-onish to the other guys in her life that liked her. Reading your post made my jaw drop when you described your communication with her regarding your jealousy issues. Trust me, I had them too. You feel like if you can't control who she's with, what's to stop her from messing around with them, since they are obviously interested in her? The thing is...it's completely their decision. You are a great person and have lots of love to give, and there are lots of girls out there that would gladly accept it from you and cherish you for who you are and give it back. But she's not one of them; not yet at least.

 

My girl and I had problems in communication, and I always chalked it up to me being overly protective or me having to sort out my own issues...this being the first girl (and only, I was convinced) I had ever fallen madly in love with. The thing is, when I 'sucked up' to her as you put it...I put my own opinions and priorities in the backseat...rather than wasting my breath to someone who I deep down knew wouldn't understand where I was coming from. That is the important thing here. The age difference, at least at that age, is monumental and detrimental to true connection. Just my two cents, and apparently everyone else's

 

I can't imagine the pain you went through when you found out she had cheated on you. The most important thing I can say to you is that you deserve better. You know this in your heart and you knew it all along. Would you ever do that to someone you loved? If you did, would you ever be able to forgive YOURSELF for it?

 

You and I aren't in the same boat, but we're sailing in the same fleet. I encourage you to do whatever you can to accept what has happened and move on. Time will reveal how you really feel, and there's a lot of good out there for you to find. Best of luck mate.

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Artisan, you've said it extremely well. I am realizing that as much as i (and she) wanted it to work, it was not going to. Just because you fall in love, doesnt mean it's the right person, the right time, or the right situation. I knew this all along, and didnt want to believe it.

 

"I put my own opinions and priorities in the backseat...rather than wasting my breath to someone who I deep down knew wouldn't understand where I was coming from." --- This is a hard one to realize in the heat of the love, because you care so deeply for your lover and the relationship, that you want to do anything to make it work - even sacrificing yourself. I accept that this is what i have done (or am working closer to accepting it). You and i are lucky though - some poor people go through marriages and bring children into the world before they do. I know that very soon i will fully appreciate having learned such a valuable lesson at a young age.

 

"My relationship with her was mostly me thinking it was going to be something it wasn't. I'm coming to find that what I expected to happen wasn't ever going to, because she was so young we couldn't see eye to eye on a relationship level. Maybe as friends, but not as lovers." --- This has been the hardest thing for me... I keep thinking back to the good times we spent together, and how happy i was. I find that i always neglect how i was constantly annoyed by her immature, selfish, and ignorant ways. However, we did have good times together because we were compatible as friends, but it is becoming clearer to me now that we werent compatible lovers.

 

My jaw dropped as well when i read your response. We have travelled down parallel love-paths, and are both coming to very similar realizations. Thank you for your story and advice; it is very powerful information. I am wondering though - have you been following a strict diet of NC? I would like to get over her as painlessly as possible, yet i dont want her to completely fall out of my life, as she is a good friend.

 

I hope that you continue to grow stronger and wiser through your pain, and i will do the same.

[SanSerif]

Hey! Sorry for the late response..I wrote out a good one yesterday but internet issues intervened and the whole thing was lost. Anyway!

 

About NC...it was different. At first, I pretended I could talk to her. One day..3 days after we broke up, she texted, called, and emailed me. I was befuddled, but played along. Eventually during the phone call I made it inadvertantly clear I couldn't talk to her. I wrote her an email later expressing exactly how I felt and that she should not contact me.

 

She didn't for 4 days. Then she texted me saying she got in a car wreck...I texted back..and picked up the phone when she called later. Really, looking back, (this was 3 weeks ago [wow]) I was still very lost at that point, and hearing from her...I'm sure didn't do much good. I just wanted to know that she was physically ok. I ended that phone call with "you can call me anytime, its ok". She sent me a little email saying, as long as everything's ok, I'm fine. I hadn't realized that I wasn't ready to talk to her at all.

 

Do not contact her. Trust me. She called me many times over the next week, and I never picked up; finally trusting my gut. Talking and keeping in contact with them, no matter how great of friends you are or were, only sets you back. Trust your instincts if they tell you to ignore her calls. Don't trust them otherwise Of course, your situation is different, I know. But I'm finding that the longer I stay with NC, the better I get a grip on who I am again and realize that this was just a part of life. Best of luck to you mate!

[SanSerif]

Uppercut: have you gone nc. let me know how youre doing.

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Uppercut: have you gone nc. let me know how youre doing.

 

Yeah ive been completely NC with one acception - she talked to me on msn the other day, and i was polite, but uninviting. Im positive that NC is the only reason that I'm feeling as good as I am today.

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"hey , hows it going?? i hope your having a great christams with your family, i like to know what your up to these days so give me some news when you can

merry christams and happy new year"

 

She emailed me this today. I havent responded and i dont plan on it. I keep thinking about that episode of friends where Rachel writes Ross a letter and after reading it he flips out and says "Y-O-U-R spells your. Y-O-U-'-R-E spells you are." Whatever gets me through the night...

[SanSerif]

Haha man that is FREAKING hilarious! We're here for ya bro. As long as you feel what you're doing is the right thing...and you're getting good results. If things are going smoothly and you feel your footing is returning then you know you've done the right thing.

 

Once you're comfortable with yourself and your life again without her, it's probably ok to talk to her. Then you can relate to her as a whole person again, which is what NC is all about. Before you feel comfortable in that, I'd probably stay out of contact, make sense? You're doin good man! Keep posting, let us know how things go.