How can he not care

[survivor3]

...that we are getting divorced?? For those of you unfamiliar with my situation, please see the Need Support thread under R'ship conflicts.

 

Just talked to him and he is utterly emotionless. We discussed that I am working on the finances that need to be included in the settlement agreement as though we were discussing what we wanted to watch on tv!

 

I commented to him that this does not seem to be bothering him at all. He said he thinks he is bothered and just doesn't know it yet. Told him he just seems hunky dory about everything. He said he didn't know what to say. Then said he can't get his life his life straightened out if he is down all the time.....I couldn't help but say that I just wish he had been able to do that with me in it. And of COURSE my voice cracked in the middle of the sentence and I nearly burst into tears. He just flatly said "I'm sorry." Quickly said he had to go and we hung up.

[SuperDave71]

Hang in there Survivor3....

 

 

I am sooo sorry for your pain....Just hang in there. I believe (possibly) he may be in SHOCK..and just doesn't know what to do....

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[doyathink]

He cares survivor, he just doesn't want to show it. He hung up because he was going to break down...and didn't want to with you on the phone with him.

 

For some, showing their emotions is not easy. It's a sign of weakness...so they try very hard to hide it. Try to take it a day at a time.

[survivor3]

Thank you for your replies.

 

He made a comment several weeks ago that he "Is just a selfish bas**** and doesn't really have much of a conscience" -- I am beginning to wonder if that was not the truth.

 

It isn't like we were only dating a few months and decided to break up...and it is even worse that what was supposed to be our 3 year wedding anniversary is next Wednesday AND it is the holiday season!! I know this is what has to happen, but I certainly never imagined that it would not affect him. Even his co-workers say that he seems to be fine about it, just going along like nothing has happened. He has told them that he is "excited about moving on"!! Excited?! * * *?!?! I was the one who decided to finally end things and know that I am doing the right thing, but excited?! Um, not really!! How can any normal person be **excited** about getting divorced??

[doyathink]

What a jerk! Some ppl dont feel the 'effects' till all is said and done. Like a death...I've seen ppl refuse that someone died and they just chose to think that person is away and will be back.

 

If he truly is excited....then good riddance! Dont let him rent any more space in your head!

[Portage]

Isn't the grass always greener on the other side? is it possible that he is living in some kind of fantasy world, maybe when he wakes up from his coma he'll realize what a big mistake he's made.

 

And then maybe you'll be emotionally distant to his plea's of forgiveness...you'll be living your new life without regret.

 

i wish you the best

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

He has told them that he is "excited about moving on"!! Excited?! * * *?!?! I was the one who decided to finally end things and know that I am doing the right thing, but excited?! Um, not really!! How can any normal person be **excited** about getting divorced??

 

Statements he makes to his coworkers are not necessarily true of how he is actually feeling inside. I'm not rushing to his defense, because I don't know the guy and I don't really know what is going on with him, but I know that many people, myself included, will say things to friends and co workers to save face. He's probably telling himself that stuff and doing his best to believe it. His cold detachment towards the divorce is probably a survival thing kicking in. Really painful experiences can cause people to detach themselves. He's doing himself a disservice if that is true. You allowing yourself to feel and grieve will have a much deeper growth in your recovery. It's like he is putting problems in a box to deal with later, while you are bravely facing them head on now. He isn't going to grow or mature much from this if he doesn't confront the mess he's found himself in. Emotionally, you will be in a much better position in the coming months. On the surface you appear to be the one breaking down and flailing, while he calmly navigates his way through this divorce, but it's more like he's doing everything he can to avoid the real issues, including lying to himself about how easy this divorce is and running away from dealing with his emotions. So, don't feel bad because you are upset and it appears that he isn't. When the dust settles and you have become stronger from surviving all this, I think you will look at the man and feel some pity for him, because he probably won't be any further in his recovery than he is right now, and will probably be making the same mistakes over and over again.

[survivor3]

Wow, what wonderful replies!! Thank you all so much!! I need this input to keep me on the right track....

 

As much as I am disappointed and hurt, I think it is more of a pride issue (I made a bad decision/I was wrong about him) for me that he does not seem to care. After all, I put all of this emotion, energy, time, etc. into this relationship and it STILL doesn't matter to him.

 

I am still up and down, up and down, but I think a lot of my anxiety at this point comes from being scared of the actual process of divorcing him. I am worried he has something up his sleeve, will try to "stick" me with a debt I didn't know about, etc. The more I examine my feelings, the more I seem to finally be feeling some relief....It's almost like I have been mourning the loss of this r'ship for the past year and a half anyway....just crushed....and essentially paralyzed. I lost so much faith in myself, my judgement and my decision-making abilities that I sort of "went on hiatus" for a while. Wallowed in a depressive state and was afraid to change anything at all.

 

I think I have known for a loooong time that this would happen, but for whatever reason I didn't want to actually do it. I am trying to think positively and say positive affirmations....I DO have power over my life. I DO deserve to be happy and be married to someone who is honest and loyal. And you know what? I'll make a HELLUVA wife to someone who can appreciate it one day!!

 

**Can you tell I am having a pretty good morning today?! I might be a wreck by lunch! But I am going to try to stay in this place. If ANYONE has the right to be "excited" about moving on...it is ME. No more wondering where he is, what he is hiding. I will go to bed alone, but by CHOICE, not because he just won't come to bed. No more power struggles over the dumbest things on the planet. Just....NO MORE!!

(Feeling GREAT now!! I hope I don't crash this afternoon!)