I'm a bad, violent person :( did something I regret.

[dizzy_bruce]

hey guys and girls,

 

first things first... im an alcoholic, i suffer from depression pretty bad, and am halfway through my (stressful) training to become a doctor...

 

i've been seeing my girlfriend for over a year now and suffice to say i've fallen for her pretty bad, i think i may even be enfatuated with her. a few months ago she cheated on me and lied about it, which obviously cut me up alot, but eventually i forgave her and we got back together.

 

fast forward to last night - i had heard a rumour that she slept with the same guy again so all though feelings of betrayal and rejection came back. i asked her about it and she denied everything, and only after pressing her did she admit that she still liked him and had seen him. upon hearing this i went temporarily crazy and almost hit her, but managed to stop myself and punch a nice sized hole in the wall.

 

this was completely contrary to my normal character - im quite a mild mannered and calm kinda guy. so the outburst scared me, and more importantly scared her, she ran away screaming and said i was insane. which i am kinda beginning to believe.

 

heelp guys please i cant get her out of my head and i feel like im nothing without her

 

advise needed asap.

 

bruce x

[yeawutever]

Are you still with the same girl that gave away her virginity to cheat?? If so, then she's not the right girl, dump her before she gives you more headaches/migraines.

 

As for your violent outburst, do seek counseling and also go to an individual program for alcoholics. I comment you for stopping yourself before doing something you would have regret for your entire life. Remember that no one makes you hit anyone, you and ONLY you alone are responsible for your own actions.

[Iceman26]

I think you need to put this relationship on hold until you get yourself some help. This situation with her is not going to help you get better. If you feel you are going to be violent then it is better to stay away until you right the wrongs in your life. Good luck.

[n83]

You really need to figure out how you're going to solve your alcohol/depression problems. You can't patch anything up with your gf until you get help for yourself. You should consider contacting a counselor or a treatment clinic.

[ratherbesailing]

Bruce -

 

She cheated a second time with the same guy. Of course you wanted to hit her but you stopped yourself and punched a hole in the wall. I'm not so sure that makes you evil. I think you showed as much restraint as anyone could expect of you under the circumstances.

 

By all means get counseling for the alcoholism and depression but I wouldn't label you violent and I wouldn't listen to a word she has to say about it. Just patch the hole, kick her out and forget about it. You have enough to worry about without getting down on yourself over this.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Bruce -

 

Sorry to hear about your struggles.

 

You first need to get a handle on the issues you already have - the alcoholism first and foremost.

 

Honestly, until you fix the reason you rely on alcohol, you will never have a normal, healthy relationship with anyone who is healthy. And if you are in the beginnings of anger flare ups...that can only spiral downward.

 

Get yourself some treatment of help of some sort before you even THINK about contacting this woman again. - That's MY advice anyway.

[finewhine]

I was so hoping this was silentalways back under a new name. Is it you?

[blender]

First of all, I'm sorry you are in so much heartache, but the good news here is you do feel remorseful, now you have a choice to do something about it. How you choose to respond to your own actions will define the quality of your character, and you can forgive yourself...

 

Even if you feel you are not ready to stop drinking, just walk into an AA meeting, stand up, tell this story, there will be so many caring folks there to help you handle this... and to discover "why" you did it, and "how" you can help yourself be more in "control" of your emotions... and how you can forgive yourself and improve yourself.

 

You can find an AA meeting near you by just doing a "search" on the web.. they are free, no judgement, annonymous, and so helpful. Just do it, for yourself, and for your girl.

[blender]

P.S. please know you are NOT "insane" you are simply at a point where you are discovering you are powerless over alcohol, and your life is becoming unmanagable, you have an "illness".. please give yourself a chance at a joyful future, and go to an AA meeting, there will be plenty of people there, classy people, from all walks of life, Doctors, janitors, lawyers, Dads, Executives, people just like you.. in pain over their choices.. and they make the choice to "help themselves".. you can too.

[dizzy_bruce]

hi guys.

 

thanks for the replies they've been really useful and made me feel a bit better too

 

TO AILEC...

 

yup its the same girl im really hung up on this one. sure she gives me headaches/migranes, but most of the time she makes me really happy and i'd like to think i make her happy too.

 

i think maybe i do need help about the alcohol problem, i get through about 4 bottles of vodka a week at the moment. i am going to try on my own first, i think i have the willpower. i havent drunk today, and i felt pretty down i will see my doc about the depression issue too.

 

thanks for you input ailec, it's always enjoyable to read and helpful!

 

DEAREST RODEO-RIDER

 

thee of little faith! i am half way to becoming a ''doctor'' (as you put it lol) at the brighton and sussex medical school in south England. medicine is 5 year long course - i started straight after college (being 18 ). Turned 19 towards end of 1st year, turned 20 at end of 2nd year, and am current 20 and halfway through my 3rd year! So there.

 

DEAR RATHERBESAILING

 

thanks for your wise words, they are soothing and rational. i thought i showed retraint in the situation, but my girlfriend obviously didnt think so! it just shocked me because didnt realise i had that in me!

 

oh and i actually punched a whole in her bedroom wall (plaster board im not that hard hehe).

 

thanks again guys, you're all legends. with the possible exception of rodeo rider lol just fooling.

 

xxxxx

[blender]

Please be aware that you can not "do this on your own" you are powerless over alcohol and it's merely a symptom of a deeper issue, I hope you have the courage to go to an AA meeting, and find out how to not only let go of the booze one day at a time, but how to become a man you yourself can admire...

 

I really feel for you, please go to a meeting, by taking this responsible action, you will be "showing" not "talking" but "showing" that you are taking what happened seriously, and you will not only impress yourself, but your girl will be in awe of your choice to seek help. No one can do this 'on thier own".... it takes courage to seek help... and I believe you have that courage, class and integrity to do so.. go to a meeting..

[yeawutever]

Umm, I suspect you either co-dependent to her somehow b/c see if you ask any guy if they would forgive their g/f who not only cheated, but gave away their virginity when they slept with someone else, I'm sure they would have dump her in that instant. That to me would be a complete deal-breaker.

 

Based on what you're describing it is not love, but clingyness. Either way she is bad news for you. Has she even express any level of remorse for her horrible cheating or was/is she acting indifferent/nonchalant about it??

[blender]

For right now, I beg to differ about "wondering what role SHE plays in all this".. it's not about HER right now, this is about HIM, and how HE feels about himself, regardless of her.. he has a "problem" with alcohol.. and he would be behaving this way no matter who the girl in his life was, or what she did or didn't do... it's time for personal responbility and taking care of his own issues... I hope that he can find the courage to seek an AA meeting, and to deal with his temper, drinking or not...

 

For now this relationship is being built on "quicksand" and both people will be swallowed by thier co-dependence and lack of personal responsiblity and accountablity. It's not about "blame" it's about asking yourself what you can do to improve your own character/life... regardless of how the other behaves...

[yeawutever]

True, he is still responsible for his own actions, but at the same time he's wasting time with a she that doesn't care no bit about him.

 

Breaking up with her and improving himself, along with doing to a program for alcoholics will do it. Bruce you'll be less stress without her than you are right now.

[blender]

Yes, you're correct, two wrong don't make a right, but we do "attract" those that are similar to us, be it in "different" ways, and it's not that "she doesn't care about HIM", she can't because she has "issues' on caring about herself, as does he...

 

she cheated oh him, and he cheats himself... by making choices that are hurtful to his sense of self... and I hope he has the courage to seek an AA meeting..that is where his healing will begin and his future is wonderful and hopeful...

[Dilly]

Hey Bruce -

 

Sorry to hear about your struggles.

 

You first need to get a handle on the issues you already have - the alcoholism first and foremost.

 

Honestly, until you fix the reason you rely on alcohol, you will never have a normal, healthy relationship with anyone who is healthy. And if you are in the beginnings of anger flare ups...that can only spiral downward.

 

Get yourself some treatment of help of some sort before you even THINK about contacting this woman again. - That's MY advice anyway.

 

I actually couldn't agree more. I think some people are extremely toxic to others and she tried to turn the hostility in the relationship back onto you by telling you that you are insane. You honestly need to be careful about what you feel for this person as I am very skeptical about here sincerity. I sense a manipulative move was made to flip the justified anger on your part into guilt which you readily accepted.

 

You need to recognize what she is saying and that she has all the power in this relationship because she is telling you she is still interested in the other guy. Let her go and regain your control that way. She's telling you goodbye and you would be a chump (like I usually am) to try to reel her back in with any remourseful comments and apologetic conversations. Let her go. Get through your depression and refrain from the bottle.

 

YOu are a great catch if you are half-way to being a doctor. Usually in the states, you would have to be about 24 or so. Nonetheless, don't be too hard on yourself. Your scholarly life is hard enough on you! Keep it cool, she's one fish in a vast sea and let me tell, as a man, a doctor in training no less, you will find another and if you don't, she will find you!

 

YOu have all the cards. But do understand that the source of anger is fear and you have been battling with this fear of abandonment by her and she is thriving off of it. Let her go and go toxic-free.

[blender]

It doesn't matter if he's a doctor or a KING, if he doesn't have a sense of self he can be proud of internally.. and it will start once he can accept his problem with alcohol first...

[Dilly]

He did accept it, right? He brought it to our attention in the first post.

 

He obviously has low self-esteem because he's vulnerable to the fear of abandonment (like me) and I think he should look himself in the mirror and recognize his potential, AND the path he is on and be proud, and know that he's better than the alcohol that weakens him.

 

I agree with you, I hope he can speak at the AA meeting.

[yeawutever]

He obviously has low self-esteem because he's vulnerable to the fear of abandonment (like me) and I think he should look himself in the mirror and recognize his potential, AND the path he is on and be proud, and know that he's better than the alcohol that weakens him.

 

And at the same time he also needs to know he's better than the girl who's using him as a doormat.

[Dilly]

FOUR FREAKIN BOTTLES OF VODKA ---- WOAH!!! I just read that!

 

Dude, or whatever the greeting is in England --- Lad, Fella, Gent, Whatever --- YOU HONESTLY NEED HELP!!!

 

You will get the DT's trying to do this on your own. There are some things that require outreach and as a person that does not truly invest alot of belief in the "magic bullet", I TRULY BELIEVE IN MEDICAL HELP WHEN IT COMES TO ALCOHOLISM. There are drugs that can make you sick when you drink and some that can make you less sick, and some that can prevent the DT's. Please use your good head and see a doctor and go to an AA meeting. There are people there with tremendous character, possibly even a future soulmate.

[Dilly]

And at the same time he also needs to know he's better than the girl who's using him as a doormat.

 

TOTALLY AGREE AILEC. Some people really are no good for us and really motivated people go for the rejection because if it comes too easy, it might not be worth it, right?

 

Gluttons for punishment, methinks, me being one of these fools.

[Survictor]

Alcohol will confuse you. You will not think clearly and you will act out of character and without thinking at all; not rationally at least. You will do things that the normal you (not drinking) would shun and it could get worse,=; much worse.

 

Please do something about the alcohol problem now.

 

Other things will fall into place later.

[amuse]

Go to AA.

Cut her loose.

[Rabican]

Almost only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades dude. You didnt do anything wrong. If anyone is insane its her. you obviously care enough about her to give her another chance after she cheated, and whats she do, carry on with this same guy again. If she were a guy, id say she deserved to be hit... but I dont condone hitting women... ever.

 

Best thing you can do, move on. Tell her to pack her stuff, and take a hike. IF she did cheat on you, she should be in full on begging for forgiveness mode. Doing anything and everything to make things right. not continuing to see this guy, talk to him, have a crush on him etc. TO THE CURB with her!!!!