I can't do it anymore

[booberry]

I met him in October 2005 while I was on exchange in Helsinki for a year. He called me over skype and we talked for months online. He is from Pennsylvania, and I'm from Ontario. We fell in love with each other and talked every single day - for hours and hours sometimes. The time difference and distance was difficult, but he eventually came to see me in Helsinki for three weeks! It was the best three weeks of my life.

 

I've had my life planned out for myself for a while. I've been going to school, completely passionate about what I'm studying, what I want to study for my MA, what I want for my career. I've been working towards my dreams, completely in paradise. Then I met the man of my dreams. We officially started dating in June when he came to Helsinki to visit me - even though we've been devoted to each other since we met online. We wanted to make it official when we met.

 

I moved back to Canada in July and we're a seven hour drive away from each other. He's told me he loves me with his whole heart, and that he never has a doubt in his mind that we can make this work. He said he'd come to see me as often as possible and find ways to get me down to see him.

 

I moved to Toronto in September and it's been all downhill from there. I moved into a place where the internet is terrible. I mean TERRIBLE. I can't use skype anymore to talk to him. We try and try and try and it's so frustrating. We can't call each other on the telephone because it's too expensive. I can't afford a proper internet, and his internet at school is terrible too. He's tried talking to the tech guys about it, but they haven't done anything. I've seen him about once a month since I've been back in Canada, but they haven't been good visits. We don't get any alone time - we're either at his parents place, sharing his room at school with his roommate, or we're at my parents place ... and the only time he was in Toronto here with me he was only here three days, and he got sick.

 

I mean, I absolutely LOVE seeing him. Every time I see him, I don't know how it's possible, but I fall in love with him even more. I feel like seeing him recharges our relationship battery. When I leave PA or when he leaves Toronto, I feel like we're going to be just fine, and I will wait as long as I need to for him. (we both will be finished school one year from now and were planning on moving at least into the same city at first, and eventually moving in together, and ... yes we've talked about marriage too).

 

But then I don't get to talk to him ever. EVER. And now recently I've been going through a depression, and the fact that I can't talk to the man I love about it makes everything worse. I dont want to be a burden on him, but at the same time, I really need his comfort right now. I am suffering from insomnia. I cry all the time. I try not to let him know these things, because our LDR is hard enough as it is. I want to be a good girlfriend to him because we live so far apart and its hard on both of us. Even when I do decide I want to talk to him about how I'm feeling, our internet doesnt work, or I can't hear him or he can't hear me. It's so horrible.

 

In a nutshell, I'm falling apart at the seams and I can't even TALK to the one I love. I'm depressed so I push him away. I won't let him comfort me so I get worse. When i do feel like letting him in, the internet doesnt work anyway.

 

I rarely get to visit my boyfriend, and when we do visit, we have ZERO alone time.

 

I'm ending it. I can't do this to him anymore. I can tell I'm frustrating him, and I'm completely ruining such a good thing that we had. If I was a good girlfriend I'd let him try to help me. He continues to tell me everything is going to be ok, and that we'll get through this. And still I'm alone. I still can't talk to him. I still cant see him and touch him. I want to quit school, because my academic and career dreams just seem so .... bland and boring now. Like they don't even matter anymore.

 

He is such a good man. I've been in at least one other serious long term relationship (it wasnt an LDR though), but the way this man makes me feel is like no other. Sure we have had our problems, but he really listens to me when we have problems. He is so sweet and caring. So affectionate and attentive. I just want to have a normal relationship with him; cuddle and giggle and laugh and fight and cry and hug and kiss and have sex and go to the movies and all those things that normal couples do.

 

But that's the sacrifice of an LDR, and I was fine with that, until our only means of communication was messed up.

 

If I could just talk to him like we used to, everything would be ok. It has escaladed to depression for me because we dont even have any opportunities to sit down and have a heart-to-heart. We simply can't talk.

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

I am sorry you are feeling so depressed. Depression can really take all the joy out of your life. If your world is becoming so dark that all you can do is cry and lying awake at night, I think it's best to look for professional help. I doubt that being in LDR is the ONLY thing that is at the source of this depression.

 

The bad internet is a very big obstacle if you are in LDR, but my friend is engaged to a Canadian (she's Dutch like I am), and she has a phone-connection for internet. Do you have a normal phone? There are a lot of cards you can use to call accross countries for very low prices.

 

In my experience, LDR's work if there is some perspective of living close to each other in the near future. But it's very hard, I agree. I get the impression that it's merely circumstances that are keeping you away from your man, not things that are relationship-internal, right? How are these things not changable then? I mean when you stay together, you don't HAVE to stay at his place? Why not go to a cheaper hotel? My LDR-ex had his roommates leave the apt. when I came over for my visit, I thought that was a very good idea, but the roommates have to be willing to crash at another place for a while.

 

I think that your depression is making things seem heavier than they are. Sure, a bad internet connection and not having been able to spend much alone time are not the GREATEST things in LDR, but they are not the end of the world either. Your bf is right, they can be fixed. But what he CAN'T fix, is your depression. That is something that you will ultimately have to do yourself. Find some help, go to your doctor. I have been depressed for longer times, and am still fighting it. If you want to talk, you can also send me a pm. I am here, ok?

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[booberry]

Well no, the LDR is not the only source of my depression. I have started taking some birth control pills that seriously affect my moods. I'm switching to another brand, now that I realise what is going on. I noticed that I would be happy all day, then just an hour after taking the pills (which was at 11pm) I would become so cynical about life, and would stay awake all night. So I will change those, and see if I can be optimistic again.

 

Of course the situation is the same with him and I, but perhaps I will feel more optimistic about things. Yes I do have a normal phone, but I am still charged for air time for incoming and outgoing calls despite having a cheap calling card. Perhaps though, I will still give it a try now and then.

 

It is difficult to get a cheaper hotel because we are both students, and any extra money we have is spent on paying for gas or train tickets to visit one another. By your suggestion, I will talk to him about asking his room mate to leave for a night perhaps. I think that is reasonable. I will bake him cookies.

 

Thank you so much for your advice, Ilse. I feel so much better now. I already feel so much more optimistic about our relationship compaired to yesterday. He is coming up to visit me in just three days now, too!

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

I am happy to read this more positive post of yours. Birthcontrol pills can really affect your moods, even microgynon made me very moody and it's supposed to be a light pill. I switched to a IUD (mirena, hormones only locally and not in the bloodstream) a few years ago and feel a lot better eversince. I am sensitive to moodswings, anxiety and depression, so the pill just wasn't the solution for me.

 

Yeah, being without money is even more complicating in LDR than it is in 'normal' life. I was also still a student when I was seeing my Italian ex, and we just used msn and would call once a week for like 10 minutes, just to hear each others voice.

 

I think that just one or two nights of private time together in like a weeks visit will already improve your situation a lot.

 

Do you have plans to move more closely after graduation, or maybe study in his uni?

 

Have a lot of fun with the bf!!! And keep us posted on how things went

 

Ilse

[booberry]

Yes, this coming summer we're going to discuss in detail the idea of moving, since our graduations after that will be in the following January (one year from now). Both of us agree that moving in together right away isnt a good idea. We can't go straight from an LDR to moving in together. We decided that we should move to the same city first - we'll decide where and how in the summer - and after we get to be a REAL couple for a time, then we may move in together. Even though we still both look to a common future goal and wish to spend the rest of our lives together, we want to take things slowly - one step at a time.

 

One thing that has really helped us is planning little "dates". Our lives are very busy and it's easy to get distracted on the phone - especially because he has a room mate. We planned once a week to get together for an internet date. Maybe we'd just sit and talk just the two of us, or we'd watch movies together that we both had on our computers. Taking time for just each other once a week made the distance not so hard to manage. But then the internet problem struck and we had nothing - not even the interrupted or distracting conversations.

 

Another thing we found that helped is not only having a concrete future goal for the long term, but setting little ones for the short term. If we constantly have planned get-togethers to look forward to, it keeps our spirits up. As soon as we finish one get together, we start planning and looking forward to the next one. Right now we have christmas break to look forward to, and after that, we will start planning our spring breaks (they are at two different times, but that just means TWO times we get to see each other!)

 

Thanks again for listening, Ilse. I'd better get to sleep now.