we still love each other

[swertyqwerty]

I've been going out for my ex for nearly 2 years, since we were 17/18. We've been in love with each other and we did everything together. We were nearly each other's first everything. First love, both virgins, first to be in each other's new car after we got our licenses. There was also trouble in our relationship. In the first two months, I cheated on her with my ex and for a while after that I lied to her about stupid things that she got really mad about. It was all fine near the end of our relatoinship and we pretty much forgot about those incidents. We decided that we wanted to spend our lives together and I promised that I would propose to her.

 

However, I've been doing some thinking. I thought about what if there was someone out there that was better for both of us. What if this isn't as good as it gets. I have no way of knowing if we were really meant for each other because we never tried anything else. I decided to break up with her for this reason (and she wasn't too happy about it, but she accepted it) sometime in September.

 

Since then, I've only gone out with one person for twenty days. It didn't quite work out. In fact, everyone I seem to meet seems so uninteresting to me. Since then, She's been going out with some guy she's known since elementary school and they are in love with each other.

 

We decided to keep no contact with each other for a while, but i guess both of us have been breaking that. I talked to her two nights ago for about 5 hours. For a while, she kept going on about her new boyfriend. The things they've done, the things he's good at, his friends, and some of the bad qualities she wants to change about him. After that, I told her about my "luck" in finding someone new. It didn't seem like anything bad. After that, we started reminiscing about our relationship. All the fun we had, and all the pleasure we shared with each other. And then one thing led to another... and I told her that I miss her and still love her. It took her a while to say it, but she felt the same way about me. I asked her what she was thinking, and she said that she was really confused. I know I can treat her so much better than that other guy, I know I can give her what she deserves. I tried telling her that I can be the most amazing thing in her life and she still feels so confused. You know, there's so many little things about this guy that seems to bug her.

 

This new guy isn't sentimental, and he doesn't spend hours on the phone with her at night. In fact, their conversations on the phone dont seem to last more than a minute. He doesn't wear his emotions on his sleeve and doesn't show when he's happy. He does get her gifts for her birthday, but it's more expensive gifts then gifts that have any thought in them. He's been making her feel guilty for spending his money on her because he was going to buy a car before the new year and now he cant, and she doesn't even ask him to spend any money on her. He's also not as gentlemanly as he could be. I asked her if she talked to him about these problems and she said that when she tried he was reallly sensetive about it and started acting like a baby. Also, every now and then she would say how wonderful I am. I told her something about how she deserved to be treated better, she told me how caring and wonderful and great I was.

 

You know... in a way... I kind of want her to break up with this new guy and at the same time I want her to know that I care about her and want her new relationship to work. I know that the right thing to do is to tell her that they should talk about it and if he loved you he would accept it, but I can't feel happy doing it.

 

I want her back in my life and I want to tell her that you should just break up with him because I can give you everything he can't, but I can't seem to do that either. I'm so in love with her and I really regret breaking up with her in the first place. It makes me so sick when I picture both of them together, especially in bed. I have tried REALLY HARD getting my mind off of her but I can't. I think about her every morning and I think about her right before I sleep.

 

I asked her if I should move on and forget about her and forget about our love. She said No and Yes. I asked her what I should do, and she said that she still feels this special link that we have for each other. She doesn't want to end our friendship because she doesn't want to lose that. I told her that both of us still have chemistry for each other and when I said that she said It's a sign. It sort of is a sign isn't it? If we haven't been talking to each other since September and we still both have chemistry, isn't that a sign?

 

While she was half asleep and seemingly sleep talking, I asked her to come back to me and break up with him. The first time that I asked her, she said that she loved him and wouldn't do that to him. The second time I asked her, she said okay. I'm not quite sure if she remembers that since we haven't talked since, but it gives me hope.

 

Hehe, I was talking to his ex (who actually happens to be one of my close friends, a very big coincidence), and he said that he was a terrible guy while they were going out. He said that in the first two months, he was alright, but after that he gets so boring so fast. He's such a baby, and whenever she slapped him he would cry. While he was driving her home one night, she said that she wanted to break up. After she said that, he let go of the wheel and said that if they broke up they would both crash and die. There were many more problems with him too but this wasn't necessary anyway It might be that relationships bring out the worst in people, but it made me happy to know that he isn't that great of a guy

 

I want to win her back. The situation right now is very delicate and I want to take extreme care in how I approach it. I know there's a chance that we could get back with each other, so don't tell me that there isn't. It might not happen now, but as long as it helps us get back together again in the near future, I'll be happy. What can I do and what should I do? I need some help here. I've been feeling terrible all day yesterday and want to talk to her again but I'm not sure when I should call.

 

Anyway, if no one does reply I'm glad I told that to someone.

[Survictor]

This doesn't sound like a mature relationship. Neither of you seem sure of what you do want and this means you are definitely not at a stage where you should propose or even consider a long term committment right now.

[swertyqwerty]

This doesn't sound like a mature relationship. Neither of you seem sure of what you do want and this means you are definitely not at a stage where you should propose or even consider a long term committment right now.

 

I'm sure that I want to be with her. The problem is convincing her that she should be with me

[Juliana]

Walk away. Walk away now.

 

From my perspective, it seems that you wanted to try to find something better, and since you couldn't, you're back with her -- and her having another guy in the picture you can compete with makes her twice as interesting as she was when she was actually yours.

 

She was apparently happy with you, but got burned bad and now she's trying to make a go of this other relationship. But as long as you're hanging around trying to "win her back," she doesn't have to miss you. She doesn't have to feel the lack of romance in her life with this new guy, because anything he doesn't/can't give her, you're supplying. She now has two guys, and you have no one. Genius. You see how well this situation is working out for you?

 

Sometimes there is someone better, and sometimes there isn't, but right now you're displaying enormous lack of self-respect, and that can only hurt you in the long run. Tell her that you wish she would consider leaving him and coming back to you. Tell her that you love her and know you could make her happy (or be happy with her, which, if she loves you, is more appealing to hear). Tell her that until she comes back to you, you have to live your life as if she isn't coming back, so you won't be waiting, but you know what you want, even if you never have it.

 

And then walk away. Try to see if there is someone better for you. Live your life.

 

But stop being the water boy to her relationship with another man.

[swertyqwerty]

I talked to her again last night. We had a conversation for a while, then I started to tell her that I don't want to be the waterboy to her relationship. I don't want to be a part of her life if it means that I'm going to be hanging on to a small chance of us being together.

 

It's hard to tell her all that because we both know that we love each other. I asked her to break up with him and she said no, she was in love with him. I asked her if she loved him more than me and she said it was a different kind of love.

 

I told her that if she wants what he can't give her, she should come back to me. She got so hurt and told me that I was being selfish. She said we still have a connection and the reason we keep talking to each other is because we still love each other. If I really did care about her, then I wouldn't hurt her and be out of her life. I should try and win her back. She also says I'm being so dramatic and says that I shouldn't listen to anyone else but my heart because no one else (this forum) knows how I feel about her.

 

She can't even talk to me when I'm with a relationship with someone else. That small period of time where I was, she was so hurt and couldn't even talk to me.

 

Another thing that really made me mad and call her a * * * * * is when she keeps asking me to things her BF won't do. She recently uploaded some pictures to her blog and she was asking me to look at them and comment them. She knows that I love her pictures and that I think that they are all cute and wonderful and so artistic, and I told her she knows what I think. She kept telling me to tell her though, she wanted to hear it from me. I eventually did tell her and she got so happy and told me that NO ONE else does that for her.

I know that if we were going out, I wouldn't want her to talk to her ex for things I can't give her. It made me so mad.

 

You know... I know that I have to get her out of my life and that if I kept her around I can't stop feeling hurt. I've tried doing that before and it worked for the period of time that I was in a relationship. After the relationship ended, she started to talk to me online again.

 

I also made a blog a while ago talking about how glad I was to be hanging out with my old friends again and how I can't wait to sleep over their house. Apparently she thought that I was going out with someone else and told me that doesn't want to talk to me anymore because she gets hurt when I'm with someone else and doesn't want to know that I'm sleeping over at "her" house.

 

Ugh... anyway. I told her that she can call me whenever she has problems or wants to talk about something. She usually doesn't call me so we might not talk for a long time and I'm fine with that. I need to move on with my life and I need to find someone else.

[Juliana]

When we love someone we trust that if we come to them and say "I'm hurt, I need you," they will help us. It is part of dealing with the reality of breaking up that when we come to them they tell us "no."

 

I think intellectually maybe you knew you'd left her, but emotionally you didn't, really, and because you were the one who broke up with her, in the back of your mind was probably the idea that if you changed your mind, she'd be there for you. I am so sorry it hasn't worked out that way. It's not your fault; you and she are still maturing, and you didn't do any of this intentionally to be mean. Still, I think she did take the breakup seriously and began at least some of the emotional repair work that has left her more emotionally advanced in the grief process than you are.

 

What you have been having with her is an emotional affair; comparing you with her new boyfriend, pointing out your own strengths versus his flaws, emphasizing the fact that you loved her, sexually and romantically -- this is the heart of the emotional affair. She has been cheating on him with you to get the "extras" he doesn't give.

 

Now you're doing the mature thing (maybe you just are more mature than she is, because whether clumsily or not, it is you who seems to instigate most of the growth -- painful and otherwise -- in the relationship), and you are demanding a deeper commitment from her. She is balking, and you needn't think that it's because he's a better man. You left her. No matter how bad the other guy is, he's never left her. For some women, that's the ball game, right there.

 

So, rather than seeing this as a contest between you and him, recognize that this is just one more stage in your long relationship with her. It may be the ending stage; that's not clear yet. However, what is clear is that you cannot continue being the third wheel in an emotional affair, as it isn't fair to anyone in the situation.

 

I don't know if you can be friends with her at this point; even if you have all kinds of good feeling for her, you have disappointed hopes that need to be taken seriously, and if she doesn't come back, are going to require grieving over.

 

I would tell her as quietly and sincerely as possible that you do love her, you do want her back, that you hope she will come back, and that you're going. It's not selfish to want someone who is faithful to you. If she can do that, it would be great, but if she can't you can't hang around hoping.

 

However, before you do this, give yourself some time to think and consider whether this is the course of action you want to take. When you know what you want to do, for you, do it, and don't worry about being accused of selfishness.

[swertyqwerty]

It didn't work. I tried telling her that I wanted to have no contact with her and she was so upset (again). I told her my reasons for why it's a good idea and she thought it was all stupid. She kept calling me immature and that having no contact is not the only way to get over someone. She says that I should concentrate on the positives in my life and stop worrying about her. She also says that she'll always be with me if I needed someone to talk to.

 

She wants me to mature and she wants to be 100 percent positive that she is the only one I need in my life. I believe she wants to keep me around to see me mature and see me become a better person. She wants to make sure I learned my lesson and suffered the consequences before she could even consider reconciling. She said that if we were really meant to be with each other, then we would find a way back together.

 

Maybe it's better if I don't think about it, because we do have great conversations with each other. I don't know. I really don't know what I want.

[Juliana]

That's okay. There's no big push for you to know what you want for the rest of your life right this second. I do think if your relationship with her is causing you pain, in that you're feeling you are in love and can't have the person you love, you shouldn't just "not think" about it. We need to protect ourselves from hurtful relationships, even if the other person isn't hurting us intentionally.

 

First of all, if you want to have no contact with her, you don't need her permission for that. You can just stop seeing her, talking to her, emailing/msng her.

 

Second, if you'd rather keep talking to her but maintain some distance, you can do that, too.

 

You can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do, but she shouldn't be calling you immature, or telling you what to do. That's not exactly going to promote the mature behaviour she says she wants to see; maturity is about knowing yourself and acting on what you know to be true about yourself and others, not just picking the easiest option.

 

Lots of people on here have done no contact and found it to be helpful, but you should make up your own mind about what you need. If you want to talk to her less frequently, and she doesn't like that, well, the world wasn't set up to help her feel comfortable. You also have needs. Take care of yourself.

[swertyqwerty]

Alright, so we have been no contact for a while. I told her that I'm pretty inclinced to not talking to her for a while. She was extremely upset and hurt that I said that. She asked me how far this'll go and I told her that I'm taking her out of my AIM, Myspace, Phonebook, and everything else. We have no mutual friends so i all aspects of my life are going to be completely private to her. She asked me how long this is going to last, and I told her that if she ever wanted to get back in a relationship with me she should contact me and see if I feel the same. That's how we ended it.

 

Honestly, a friendship with her isn't good enough for me. I either want it all or nothing at all.

 

You know what, I've been feeling better lately and I've been able to get my mind off of her. I'm so glad because I've been doing terrible at work before and now I feel really good.

 

There's only one question I have. She's been telling me how much she loves me and how the only thing preventing her from being with me is him. But do you think she'll actually contact me if she breaks up with her current BF? And if she doesn't and I still want her in my life, should I contact her?

[Juliana]

"There's only one question I have. She's been telling me how much she loves me and how the only thing preventing her from being with me is him."

 

Of course, the obvious answer is, if she really loved you, she wouldn't be in the other relationship. I do think she will contact you if she breaks up with him, but I don't want to tell you to wait around for that to happen, because who knows if it will. And if it doesn't, that's okay. You guys are learning who you are and what you want, and trying to make someone love you isn't a good lesson to invest in, especially when that person is in a relationship with someone else.

 

If you're feeling better now, maybe that's something that indicates you should be taking some time to yourself right now. Later, if you feel like it, you can still get back in touch with her. It would be nice if you guys ended up at least being friends at some point, I think. I hope though that you will always keep in mind that your own self-respect is an absolute non-negotiable; if someone or some situation makes you feel bad about who you are, that isn't something to pursue.