Jealousy, feeling threatened

[Violette]

I'm not sure which forum is the best for my post, and many apply. Please feel free to comment as much as you would like.

 

I am in a long distance relationship. The distance part feeds little into what my trouble is, in this particular instance in my opinion. As things are right now, there is not a lot of time spent together (because of distance and exams), and I make things worse when we are together.

 

The trouble is that whenever my boyfriend makes the slightest comment about another girl, I feel jealous and threatened. This might be a woman on a tv show he likes, or a friend. It is really always (obviously) a joke, but I never see it that way at first. While he comments from time to time, it's really never anything I should be concerned with; after all, he likes me best or he wouldn't be with me. He has never cheated, and never given me reason to be suspicious of cheating. In other words, he's completely faithful, and this is never really a concern.

 

My trouble is, I still feel jealous and threatened. I get really angry (never name calling or physical involvement, but I am not pleasant to be around to say the least), and then we're both upset. I feel depressed and sad afterwards, as if my days are counted. He's taken a lot from me so far and never mentioned breaking up, but I am still afraid.

 

He does not deserve this. He's a great person, and defies my expectations. I've tried many things to try to stop myself from being angry, including journalling, music, exercise, and talking to him about this. Nothing seems to help. It may seem as though I'm not trying by posting here, or the short list of things I've tried, but I've run out of ideas. I should not be jealous, and I know that. It causes everyone pain. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am aware that:

1. I have low self esteem.

2. I have a fear of losing the relationship.

3. I have a fear of being forgotten about.

 

How do I change and act normal? If you have anything to say, however helpful you think it might be, please feel free to post.

-V

[Blue Skittles]

I completely understand what you are going through, I used to be a jealous person too.

 

You said your boyfriend has never cheated or has given you cause to worry about cheating. One thing you can do is to change your mindset. Instead of worrying about "what if", deal with it IF it happens. That goes for anything in life. Are you going to worry every time you get in your car that you are going to get into an accident? No, if it does happen, you deal with it then.

 

As for having a low self esteem, your boyfriend likes you for who you are. Continue to be YOU. That is why he is with you.

 

If he is constantly making the comments saying "________ is hot" then ask him to stop. It is, after all, disrespectful. Just tell him that it bothers you.

 

One way I started dealing with this is I started joking around too and replying back with "Rowan Atkinson is hot, I'm in love with him" (don't ask, I'm a little weird). It did get some good laughs though.

 

Anyways, its common for guys to think actresses are hot but they are all made up, they are not REAL, and for some guys its normal to fantasize about it. I'm sure there are actors/people in real life that you think are HOT too... but of course you would never act on it.

[Violette]

Your post is helpful Blue.

 

While he's never makes the so-and-so is hot comments, it's just....erg...hard to describe. Anything in this area makes me scared and angry. You're right about the "What if" mindset. That is precisely the frame of mind I have.

 

I have a hard time understanding it because to be honest, I can't think of an actor that I think is attractive personally. (I'm weirder!) It has been this way since I was...oh, 17 or so I think. I am not thin, nor pretty, and I can't help but compare myself to these women that are commented about, which is ridiculous, I know...

 

(Rowan Atkinson! Mr. Bean always makes me laugh!)

[Daligal83]

I think you need to find a way to learn to value yourself. Obviously your boyfriend finds you attractive and pretty if he's with you. And those three things you listed all have to do with you, not with his actions. Have you thought of seeking counseling to help with your self-esteem?

[Violette]

I think you need to find a way to learn to value yourself. Obviously your boyfriend finds you attractive and pretty if he's with you. And those three things you listed all have to do with you, not with his actions. Have you thought of seeking counseling to help with your self-esteem?

 

Oh, I know they are all my problems and not his doing. I was just pointing out things I thought were related to my main problem (the one that made me post in the first place).

 

I haven't considered counselling. I don't think it would help really...

[Blue Skittles]

Yes, Mr. Bean is funny - thats why I find him attractive.

 

I can understand - every time he talks about another girl, it kinda gives you that jealous feeling. Please, stop comparing yourself to these girls. I'm not a supermodel by any means either, I have a few extra pounds and may not be the most gorgeous girl on the planet but one day (hopefully soon!) a guy will see me for who I am and love me. ( I have a date tomorrow, wish me luck!!) You will be even more beautiful if you keep a positive outlook on things.

 

There are little things you can do to make yourself feel better, go out and get your nails done, go get your hair done, buy yourself a new outfit, or new shoes (thats my addiction - hey, they always fit!) Every girl needs a bit of that to make herself feel better.

[Violette]

Blue, I wish you much luck! You will not need it at all though, if you keep the same smiling and cheerful attitude that you write here with!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Believe you are amazing. You might as well, whats the worst that can arise from it?

 

It's not actresses etc that make me jealous, per se. Personally, what makes me jealous/angry/sad is that its clear that those are the type of person boyfriends/girlfriends would actually be with if only they had the chance, but they don't so they are stuck with me/you.

 

Thats how its presented in modern day society and you *know* its faulty thinking, but its so relentless, its soul destroying.

[Daligal83]

Why don't you think counseling would help? They could give you some great techniques that can help you feel better about yourself. It's easier to do it with someone who knows what they're doing than doing it on your own.

 

I have the same insecurities to an extent. It's more about me though, not about my boyfriend finding me attractive, because I know he does. I just don't get WHY he does. I am extremely insecure about my weight, and he knows that. I'm actually kinda boney on top but I'm definitely very chunky on the bottom, but I've been working hard to change that. I put on 3 pounds while I was sick this past week, yet last night he said he wishes he could put a little meat on me. He's crazy! haha. It made me feel good though.

 

Violette, I'm sure your boyfriend thinks you are the hottest woman around. Just becuase he makes comments about women on TV doesn't mean he'd actually date them. He is with you because he wants to be with you, try to remember that

[Violette]

I agree with you, AntiLove_Superstar, in the feeling like he deserves someone of much higher status, and is simply stuck with me by bad fortune. There's always the feeling that there's someone prettier, smarter, etc. out there, and that it really isn't fair for him. I realize this type of thinking isn't constructive in the least, and it happens from time to time, but usually at odd times...that is, after I've already been mad at him for a comment or joke.

 

Daligal83, while counselling may seem a good solution, I am not comfortable discussing relationships in person, especially since this is a long distance relationship... That might seem odd, but I can't get away from the fact that my mother says "it's not like he's really real" and gets angry if I try to talk to her about him. My boyfriend visits me sometimes, and so our relationship is not purely via phone/IM/e-mail, and so I don't exactly understand this. I feel very bad about going up to someone in person and telling them things and expecting them to listen. It's selfish for me to do it. Posting here seems a little more annonymous and responses are volunteered, so I feel less like I'm bothering anyone. You're right, he is with me, and I'm grateful for that. Sorry for the gloom!

Your boyfriend sounds great and you have a good, positive and cheerful twist in your post, which is refreshing.

-V

[Daligal83]

I can completely understand how hard it is to share your personal feelings with a complete stranger. It's different doing it on a forum for sure. If you're not comfortable with it, it wouldn't do much anyway. In case you ever consider it though, just keep in mind that listening to others and helping them is a career for these people. It's what they love to do and what they are good at, so you're not imposing on them in anyway.

 

I think you should do some individual research on cognitive behavioral therapy. You can learn about some of the techniques used on your own and see if they help you. This type of therapy helps you to reframe your thoughts from negative to positive ones. An example of how it works is that you record your automatic thoughts. So for example, your boyfriend says something about a pretty actress. Your automatic thought is that he wants to date this actress. Your feelings from that automatic thought could be sadness, anger, etc. This leads to your behavior of becoming less than pleasant with your boyfriend. So what you can try to do is at that automatic thought stage, stop yourself. Ask yourself if there are any other possible explanations for his comment. Could he be joking? Does he really want to date this actress or does he just find her attractive? (You can't stop yourself from finding people attracted, you just don't act on it) Does finding her attractive really mean that he wants to leave you for her or that he is any less happy with you? If you challenge your automatic thought, you won't have those feelings and behaviors associated with it. It's a process that takes getting used to, but it works.

 

Also try to remember, that this woman is a fantasy. YOU are real and you have a real relationship. I hope this helps somewhat! I know how hard it is to deal with self-defeating thoughts.

[Violette]

Daligal83,

 

Your post was helpful. I haven't heard of cognitive behavioral therapy before, and I will definitely research it. Your reasoning as far as changing the direction of the thoughts makes a lot of sense, but it is true that it's a very difficult thing to accomplish. When I hear a comment, something enough to make me notice, I seem not to think, exactly, but emotions take over. There is a sudden lapse of paranoia, then frustration, and anger. The last few times this has happened, I've considered breaking up, telling him not to talk to me, or telling him not to visit me. There's nothing he's doing wrong, either. Maybe a bit of purposeful teasing now and then, but nothing that should make me so mad. One might think that I should simply stop letting things affect me so much, but I have tried and it simply isn't working.

 

I don't want to break up etc., and after I start to cool down, I'm scared to death at how close I came. I think this is very childish of me, and I want to feel nothing when he pays attention to other girls. I think it's normal not to feel threatened. I look at other girls around me and they seem to be unaffected. I feel so frustrated that someone else (famous or not) is getting his attention instead of me. Our relationship has gone into the 'comfortable' phase which has taken some getting used to for me, despite the fact that we have been together almost 2 years. This in combination with the distance must have a factor, but it seems to affect only me.

 

Thank you for your advice, I will look into what you have suggested.

-V

[Daligal83]

A couple questions...did you feel this way before you were long distance? And when you are in person, is he flirting with other girls around you? When you said that he's paying attention to other girls instead of you, it just made me think if that's a possibility.

 

I'm glad that you'll look into that. Believe it or not, that rush of feelings is coming from an automatic though, but it just goes so fast that you're not even recognizing the thought. If you slow yourself down and figure out that automatic thought, it's the first step to changing it. Start by keeping a record of your thoughts and it'll be easier to spot them.

 

Here is a link to an article that has an example of how to record the thoughts. The order is slightly different than what I described, but I like this one. It's on the very bottom of page 3.

 

link removed

 

 

If you need any help figuring this stuff out, let me know!

[lydia87]

Violette, i have exactly your problem. everything you said is exactly what i have felt at some point or another.

i know it can feel really horrible when your boyfriend says someone is hot on the tv - so bloody upsetting. but, it's been said before, they arent real people.

i have kind of come to terms with that, even though it upsets me a little still. but i don't do anything about it like i would before. no fights hehe.

[Violette]

Daligal,

 

The paper that you linked to me is very helpful. Thanks so much!

 

To answer your questions, yep, I felt this way without long distance at times. The distance definitely makes things ten times worse, but the tendency was there already. He doesn't really flirt with women, rather he's just friendly, which is great. By attention, I really mean that by now we know each other well, and I'm not new and exciting anymore, so it feels different sometimes, ie I feel uninteresting as compared to when we first met. I don't mean to imply that he is disrespectful, or oogling other women; he isn't. I'm very lucky and I know it. The problem is really just me feeling so threatened and subconsciously afraid that I'll lose the relationship no matter what (which is my own problem of course).

 

Again, thank you so much for your advice! I really appreciate it.

 

lydia,

 

I understand what you mean by 'coming to terms' with it. For a while, I was able to lock it up inside without showing that these things made me feel a little upset. This was very hard to do though, and I believe that my general outward attitude was muted and unhappy, as observed by others.

 

It's a strange problem...but hopefully one that practice and time will change. Thank you for your support!

[Daligal83]

Violette, I think it's great that you can be so introspective and see what the root of the issue is. That's not an easy thing to do and it'll make getting through it so much easier. Let me know how those thought stopping techniques work!

 

btw, it's not a strange problem at all! Many people feel insecure in their relationships, but to make the relationship last you have to overcome those insecurities. You are on your way!