Not sure what to do. Divorce or not.

[hedonist]

Hi,

 

First time poster on this site. Luckily, I stumbled accross it. Need some advice on what to do. Have been with my high school sweetheart for over a dozen years. We started dating when she was young,and I was her first lover. There was another guy she loved, but I was her first sexual experience. For the first 5 years or so, she idolized me. We were struggling, but still had each other. From that point on, our relationship changed. She seemed to still love me but not idolize me. The sex got worse. To make matters worse, she would occasionaly bring up her first love and I always felt she wondered what life would be like with another. We grew distant, I had a lot to do with that, and I met another woman. One became a few and in a year, I partied like I never did when I was young. The women offerred me what my wife had not. They made me feel good about myself. Anyway, I started to spend more time out of state to be with another woman, and we decided to separate. We also said we could do what we want. Well, I found out she is now speaking to the first guy she loved and would bring up. I love her but feel betrayed (I know I have been unfaithful and am already dealing with the guilt). I guess I feel that this was planned all along and that maybe even them talking is the same as her sleeping with him. I do not want to wonder if she will be with him or anyone else. At the same time, I think she needs this time to decide if I am the one. She has not dated really and does not have anything to compare me to. Shall I divorce her or is that just a preemptive strike ? She also knows if she sleeps with anyone, I will not ever take her back. Help!

[AwdreeHpburn]

hey hedonist - Welcome to ENA.

 

I hope you find some help here. I don't know if you'll find anyone tell you should divorce your wife...only you and she can make that decision...

 

But - and I hope I don't offend you, but Ido have some questions for you....

 

....without wanting to appear judgemental - I want to ask you, what's up with saying you will never take her back if she slept with someone else - knowing full well that YOU have.

 

I realise you said you feel guilt from that, but if that's true, then surely you could understand where that would be coming from with her???

 

I just don't think the hypocrisy is fair is all ...

 

As for the issue of whether or not to divorce, like I said, I can't with any kind of good conscience (sp? wh the?) tell you to do so, but you may want to consider:

 

You have had an outside relationship

She is and has been in love with someone else

You say unequivicolly that if she has sex with someone that will end it for you

 

I say - what's left? I mean, are you throwing in the towel or do you have some desire to try to make things work?

[hedonist]

I am a hypocrite, I admit it. She does not know that I have been unfaithful. I am not sure if them talking is the same as cheating. I guess is what is left is my love for her. My hope to have her running back to me. I just do not want to be second choice.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

do you two have children together?

 

Do you want to try and make your marriage work?

 

why did you get married in the first place?

[heartlessromantic]

I don't feel like you have a right to be upset with her. You decided to look outside the marriage when things went south, instead of taking steps to try and fix the marriage. Now, she is doing the same thing. Sorry to sound harsh, but you have no logical right to be upset.

 

I can understand how you would feel betrayed. It is a natural reaction, even in an "open relationship" (which is why I feel like these types of relationships are a farce). But at least she was upfront about her activities while you have deceived her for years.

 

Another thing that disturbed me is that you described your wife as "idolizing you" and that it bothered you when you felt that she didn't "idolize" you anymore. I don't think that in a healthy relationship, one partner should idolize the other or put the other on some sort of pedestal.

 

Out of curiosity, what is it that these other women provided that made you feel good that your wife did not do?

[hedonist]

No children. We were both just not ready. She was scared. The other women just made me feel like a king.

[hedonist]

We got married because it was just right after so many years. I do want it to work but I guess I envision her running to me.

[AwdreeHpburn]

maybe this guy makes her feel like a woman??

[SirenDestiny]

To be honest, if you were unfaithful.. what would you expect form her.. she may not act like she has no clue but believe me instict does play a part..

 

if you felt better with another women than there is a problem right then and there... it proves you are not ment to be..

 

and her being with another guy might have started as a shoulder to cry on.. and possibly this guy is making her feel better.. but there again that proves it was not ment to be..

 

my question is.. why stay when others make you feel better about yourself?

 

thats just my opinion

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it is very common for people who have married very young to wonder 'what if' they had not married young and had more time to date other people...

 

so it is not unusual that she would (innocently) wonder that, but you are the one who cheated, and now you are discovering one of the side effects of that, which is driving a wedge into the marriage that can lead to you losing your closeness with your partner, even though all you thought you were doing was getting a little harmless sex on the side that would not impact your marriage.

 

it is also very common for the person who cheated to start obsessing about whether their spouse is cheating too (i.e., hey, if i can do it, maybe she's doing it too!)... but that doesn't mean that she is, nor is it fair at all for you to hold her to a higher standard than yourself.

 

so i suggest you immediately go into marriage counseling if you want to save your marriage, or it will most likely implode from the stress of your own infidelity and the changes that causes in the dynamics of the marriage. people who cheat just assume that their own infidelity will not affect their marriage unless the wife finds out, but it has immediate and continuing repercussions related to creating distances, lies, deceit, suspicion, jealousy, etc. etc.

 

so you need to decide if you want to save your marriage, and better hurry up if you do, because it sounds like you are both rapidly drifting apart, and she might decide to end the marriage herself BEFORE she cheats, but BECAUSE she is lacking intimacy and trust in the marriage, and might be finding that somewhere else, with her old crush or someone else...