Effects of obsesive ex partner ?

[4answers]

Hi this relates to a previous post but better clarified.

 

Has anyone suffered from a co dependant / obsesive ex partner who would not let you go. How did this affect you and how did it make you view your ex.

 

I ask because I have just come out of a relationship, where I realise that I have had co dependancy / obsesive actions, inability to let go and anger issues, that I am facing up to. But it is hard to see on the other person the full affects of this. And I don't know if there is any way someone can honestly make up for this.

 

The answers may help others to realise the destructive nature of their actions.

 

Thanks. 4 answers.

[robowarrior]

You have to show you have a life of your own,by bringing the power of your life back where it belongs,namely in YOUR hands. The OMG i can't live without you, only shows your clingy and don't have a life of your own.

 

People like this have to realise that you can only love someone , you can't hold them prisoner. You see life is like holding sand eventually everything will slip out of your hand. Loving someone sometimes means letting them go.

 

I don't blame anyone for making the mistake, its because we believe others are supposed to make us happy, while in reality we ourselves are responsible for our own happyness. Its important you have your life in your own hands, because giving it away to someone else who might play football with your feelings can get you seriously hurt.

[Survictor]

I have and my ex and I are not on speaking terms and haven't been for years now because of his alarming behaviour which included following me, following my friends, listening to my conversations by standing outside our house hidden in bushes nearby an open window, waiting outside my best friend's house to see if I would respond to something he had done by calling her, threatening my family, threatening my friends, manipulating them to give information, causing so many problems I was evicted from two properties, forcing me to move twice more after that, saying that people he knew I cared about were dying, telling me he had bowel cancer and was dying, telling me people I loved were seriously injured, phoning me at all hours of the day and night.... the list goes on but you get the general picture.

 

I felt like a fox, hunted with nowhere to hide and when I did find somewhere, it was only temporary respite because he would do something that would flush me out. I suffered Post Traumatic Stress with flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety attacks, trembling, paranoia (but not delusional). I rapidly lost weight as I was unable to eat and fear meant that anything I did eat went straight through me anyway.

 

I am still recovering from this nightmare, which lasted a few years and I can tell you that if he were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't attend his funeral or say how sorry I was to his family. I don't wish revenge because I am not that sort of person and believe that I would be wasting my energy on nothing because that is what he is.

 

Nothing.

 

You may or may not be quite as much as a pysyco as my ex but I can tell you that even half as bad and your victim will feel pity for such a pathetic, weak person and later, quite possibly hatred, depending on the person of course, resentment or in my case?... well I do not care if he lives or if he dies, if he suffers or if he does not although I would possibly stand by and watch a ton of bricks fall upon him from a great height and not shout a warning for him to move. I would never again have to look over my shoulder again, you see.

[4answers]

Survictor

 

Thank you for your honest reply. No one deserves what you went through. I hope you do not let it destroy the rest of your life in the slightest.

 

As for my self I thankfully did nothing to that extreame. I went over board with text messages, trying to get my point accross, anger and frustration building up and lashing out saying hurtfull things. Could not break the attachement !

 

Although she does not wish to be friends, i did send an email about a couple of weeks ago with an apology for my behavior and I had already informed her that I was in the wrong and struggling to deal with things.

 

I dont know how to make right what I have done, I am not contacting her now, Last time we spoke was about 3 weeks ago, when I told her I was handling everything badly. She was not interested and stated she did not care. Ouch!

 

The desire to call her, email, text, etc is still their but I am continueing no contact. I dont want her to feel like I am harassing her, (think she might already think that, I tried for 5 weeks to get her back).

 

 

In your opionion is there anyway that I or others who have been unable to handle the emotions of a break up, can make up for the way they have behaved and regain respect and get the ex to like them again ?

[Survictor]

Yes, I can think of a way....

 

Do nothing. Do not contact or attempt to contact your ex, you ex's friends or family members ever again and in the future, if you do cross paths really accidentally, you can say hello. Ideally, this won't be any time soon for the health of both you and your ex. If you choose to harass her, there will not be even the possibility of a "hello" in the future.

 

Time is a good healer.

 

I think that people that are unable to deal with rejection and are unable to see that the other person really does mean they no longer want a relationship with you etc., have some other problems that need sorting out.

 

It is very selfish and arrogant to believe you can force someone to change their mind. You have to earn love and respect, you cannot bully someone into loving you or respecting you. No, all you will earn is pity, fear, hatred and all the negatives that you really don't want.

 

You really should sort out why you reacted this way.

 

A self respecting person is one that also respects others and no self respecting person would attempt to harass another person in order to get what they wanted from them. People who stoop to such behaviour are bullies IMO.

 

If you were only with your g/f for such a short time, I dread to think what you would be like if you had been married with kids.

 

You really do need to tackle this now.

 

In order to try to handle the emotions, you have to understand what causes them and why you handle rejection this way. At the very least, you have to stay away from your ex and anything to do with them. Stop opening old wounds by picking away at it. Let yourself heal. Why would you want to torture yourself by being rejected by someone?

[TylrLvck]

Survictor is very wise. Well said.

 

I agree, your reactions are very selfish...and you probably have some serious deep rooted issues that you need to work on.

 

Can you get someone back after that? Or make them like you again??

I doubt it. Unless someone has the same sort of issues YOU are dealing with, you can't expect them to be empathetic with you.

 

You have to show by your actions, NOT your words that you have changed. If that means NEVER seeing or speaking to them again...then thats what it takes. It's a matter of respecting them and THIER wishes. Not doing what YOU want, and becoming abusive or hurtful when you don't get your way. That is not love. That is abuse. In it's purest form.

 

So stay away. Work on yourself, and learn from your mistakes.

[4answers]

Some very good points! As soon as I was able to get a grip on my emotions and force myself to cease contact that is what I did.

 

Very hard thing to do, simply because it goes against everything your feelings are telling you to do. That is not an excuse just a statement.

 

I appreciate your help.

[Survictor]

Glad to hear you are considering your actions and taking note of the potential damage you could do. I do know that my ex kept making excuses for his own behaviour and this allowed him to continue. One of his excuses was that he loved me. He obviously had a different idea of love to me because I would never harass or bully someone I loved!

 

Don't make excuses for bad behaviour.

 

The saying, "If you love her, set her free and if she is yours, she will come back. If she doesn't, she never was." is a good saying.

[ironpumper]

Thanks for posting these. It really helps me out, like 4answers said, it goes against EVERYTHING your heart is telling you. I've never tried this before, so I guess I'll keep hanging in, like y'all are...

 

It's extremely reassuring to know others are going through the same things, some WORSE than what I'm going through. I'll keep praying anyway.....for us all..

[4answers]

I am fully addressing my issues, I don't like the way I acted. (I would love to be able to make up for it). We were in contact on a friendly basis until a month ago, then my emotions, anger, frustration got the better of me and I lashed out, pushing her further away. All of which untrue !

 

I dont suppose my apology will mean squat to her, but I needed to apologise. I admit when I am wrong and when I **** up.

 

I do still love her, but the frustration of not being able to love her fuels the need to keep in contact. And the rejection, lack of responce fuels the anger which causes feelings of being wronged ! (Sounds silly I know!), It was only by forcing my self to no contact that I was able to emotionaly step back and begin to recognise how I had been acting and its affects on us both.

 

I can't make it right now though, evan though I am getting back to my Normal self.

 

 

For anyone else who has acted this way or is acting this way, you need to break the emotional connection that is causing you to persue the person, because the rejection produces a fight responce to regain the loss of the persons emotional interest in you. You need to go No Contact with the person at the beginning of the break up. After a period when you are back to your normal self you can then face up to issues without the obsesive need.

 

Has anyone any comments on this?

[Survictor]

My ex apologised and then he would follow that up with a call, a text, turning up and it would escalate because I would push him away and so he would apologise and then he would follow that up with a call, a text, turning up, inviting me out, hanging around, following me and obviously, I would push him away and he would get frustrated and angry etc just as you describe.

 

I absolutely agree that for your ex's sake and you own, you should step back in order to be able to see things for what they are, to get a grip on your emotions and regain composure in order to deal with your emotions etc., in a rational, mature way.

 

This also allows the healing process for your ex and she/he knows that when you said sorry, you really meant it.

 

He/she will at least respect you for that.

 

And so the healing process goes on.

 

Well done 4answers.

[4answers]

Thanks but I dont think well done fits...lol I feel like a complete jerk now!

 

Pity the ex girlfriend was not reading this ! lol.

 

I know exactly the feeling your ex was feeling, not justified, not right. Sorry if that has brought up uncomfortable issues, but I appreaciate your help with this.

 

This is a problem that I suffer from. I recognise that No Contact at the very beginning of the relationship breakdown is A MUST so that i can gain control of my emotions.

 

A question for people who do not suffer from this. How do you handle the emotions at the end of the relationship ? This is a serious question!

[Survictor]

Obviously you don't have an easy time dealing with rejection yet you must accept that she does not want to see you or speak to you, not now and maybe not ever. You have obviously damaged any feelings she had for you.

 

I remember when I discovered my ex (five year relationship) had been seeing someone else and wanted to persue that relationship. I was really devastated as I had hoped to marry him and a year prior to this, I had had a miscarriage. I felt betrayed, rejected, humiliated (I was the last to know about the other girl) and I loved him very much and was hurting so much. I also hoped that we would get back together.

 

I stepped back. I didn't want anyone to witness how I felt. I masked my feelings with a smile. Not even my closest friends would now how much I was hurting. I opened the doors to other possibilities because I needed to feed my bruised ego a bit, even if I didn't want any romantic involvement with anyone just now. And then my ex walked into the club where I was with this girl. It was so soon after I had discovered his betrayal and I was even more hurt that he would flaunt his new girl in front of me, knowing I would be hurt. And so, I took a deep breath, put on a brave smile, said a brief hello as I walked past and then I danced the night away etc.

 

Fake it until you make it.

[4answers]

!!!! I have heard that before. Basically step back and remove your self until the emotions dont overwhelm you. Then as you say fake it or aviod the person until you are over them!

 

An obsessive person, fights against the loss of the other person! Acts 110%on the emotions they are feeling. I guess its a maturity aspect of accepting that you cannot force another to love you and that the persons emotional interest in you is a valuable thing to be cherished, because once its gone its gone. Ouch!....lol.

 

Puts you off relationships for life......

[Survictor]

Children act upon their emotions; throwing their dummies or pacifiers out of the pram, throwing things etc. This is because they have not yet learned to deal with their emotions. An adult must have worked a few things out... it is perhaps another excuse?

[4answers]

No, emotional immaturity !

 

I dont yet know why my emotional reaction is so intence, but it really is and is extreamly difficult to control. I would not like to be on the recieving end of it.

 

I guess I need to accept this as a part of me for now, be aware of this and act like I have stated. At the end my priority must not be getting back together or sorting things out but distance and regain / maintain control. Then look at other things.

 

 

I really appreciate your help on this, its hard to face this or how this affects others. Not nice. I am sorry you suffered this.

 

 

? Do you think in 6 months or so I should explain this to the ex or just be aware of it for future relationships?

[Survictor]

Instead of thinking about how you feel, your own emotions etc., think of the other person. How would I feel if they did that to me?

 

I am glad you will not go on to make your ex suffer in the way that I did and honestly, to do the things he did, knowing he was destroying me is a very sick thing to do. I believe his intention was to destroy my friendships, my homes, my job etc so that I would want have only him to rely on. It is the act of someone who is purely motivated by their own needs with no thought or respect for anyone one elses and so, how do you hope to have the love of another if you cannot be unselfish and put their needs above your own on occasion? I don't think you can!

 

It is good that you are stepping back and I am happy to help if I know that another person will not go through what I went through.

 

Do not contact you ex at all, not now and not in 6 months. If you pass her really accidentally, smile and say hello and walk on. If you pass her again, do the same and wish her well. In fact say you can't stop and continue on your way, don't stop! Never initiate contact with her again, ever. Move on and yes, definitely be aware of this for future relationships and work on what motivates you to behave the way you have done so you do not do this to anyone again. It is very dangerous behaviour.

[GoingForIt_77]

Just read this post and I have gotten better this time around (past ex's I really took things too far when they fled).

 

My ex and I just broke up last Wednesday. I immediately went to her appt. She did not let me in and so I left. the next day I called her MANY time from 7:30am until 10:00pm. she emailed me that night, telling me the reasons why she left. she still loves me, but my lack of control over my emotions (losing my temper) and being overly critical and hurtful at times pains her too much and she has to protect herself...

 

I left it alone for 24 hours and then sent her a short reply... She was online later that night. She agreed to chat with me. It went well. I was so encouraged that went to her store yesterday and NO, she wasn't happy to see me. It hurt her too much. She started crying and asked me to leave... I sent her an email apologizing. I've done nothing since..

 

If I take a step back and let her breathe she will start to look at how I am NOT chasing her.. I guess it's the all or nothing at all attitude that gets us into trouble. that and having very little patience. Don't control them. Control ourselves and they'll see it/know it and will make them less scared and feel more at ease...

[LittleBlue]

I was in a co-dependent relationship. Figured out it was based on attachment bond-issues with my mom, when I was an infant (abandonment theory). You also need to face you biggest fear dead on (being rejected). And yes, emotional immaturity is very common, many people are stuck in a three-year olds emotional state. Therapy will clear up many questions about yourself, but not necessarily make you change.

[krnelson2]

What you have done is over with. Apoligizing will make no difference at this point. The best thing you can do, and I know it is going to be very hard. But here it is.

 

Let her go. NC all the way. And after time has healed you and you have let go, call her and meet up. She will see that you are a different person, and that will take care of the apologizing. Nothing you say can change anything right now.

 

You actions in the future however CAN!!!

 

Showing her that you have got your emotions and everything in check will make her take a step back and realize "he has changed. He is more like the person that I originally loved. I miss that person...." Now where it goes from there is up to both of you. But please believe me, she will notice, but if you continue pressuring her and being THERE for her. She has no way of seeing the changed you.

 

It will be hard as heck to let this go, but the earlier you do it the better (trust me I spent 2 months in a deep depression over my ex) I learned the hard way. And Now I am doing NC i feel sooooo much better. I still miss her and love her, and want to be with her. But hey there is nothing we can do at this point. Time is all we have.

 

Hope this helped!!

[jazzykat]

Been on the recieving end, in one of these relationships.

 

When I was a lot younger.

 

It wasn't very pleasant.... took while to get over the effects.. -very very emotionally draining.

 

The most straight forward advice I can give - No means No.

 

If the partners request that you don't contact them, then don't.

 

Simple... don't think that you "know what's best for them" -or they aren't really serious in what they are saying..

 

It's just basic respect.